13 Moons Over Vietnam: 2nd Moon - Temptation

By Ben Thieu Long

This is a memoir addressing the emotional and ethical effects of war. The format folds a soldier’s stories of actual experiences in Vietnam ‘between the lines’ of letters sent home to his new wife. The stark contrast between those experiences and the content of his letters home reveals a tension between openness and self-censorship. The soldier’s focus is to protect their love relationship, but he struggles with his own behavior in an environment of moral challenges. As he encounters social and emotional violence, his own actions trigger inner turmoil and weaken his spiritual well-being. This book is the second in a series, organized by the thirteen months of his tour of duty. Read 2nd Moon: Temptation and follow a soldier’s drift into situations that challenge his moral convictions. These encounters begin his metamorphosis from faithful innocence toward detachment, as an internal battle rages for his heart and soul.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Aug 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781684706389

Ben Thieu Long

Ben Thieu Long was born in Chicago and spent three years in college before being drafted into the Army in 1969. His experience in Vietnam profoundly changed his identity and confidence in his beliefs. By the end of his 13-month tour of duty, Ben returned home a drastically changed young man. However, Ben also developed the strength and resilience to persist in the face of adversity. Insights gleaned from his experience reinforced his courage and determination to overcome failures. He learned an important lesson about choices and responses - a person may not always make wise decisions, but he can grow and mature. 

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LONG

Copyright © 2019 Ben Thieu Long.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

Revised Standard Version Translated from the Original Tongues being The Version set forth A.D. 1611, Revised A.D. 1881-1885 and A.D. 1901, Compared with the Most Ancient Authorities and Revised A.D. 1952

ISBN: 978-1-6847-0626-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6847-0638-9 (e)

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Lulu Publishing Services rev. date:  07/29/2019

PREFACE

This memoir addresses the effect of ethical and emotional strife during war. Encounters with moral temptation and interpersonal conflict lead to Ben’s inner turmoil with his values, identity and spiritual well-being. These personal trials trigger his metamorphosis from faithful innocence toward isolated detachment, as a battle rages for his heart and soul.

Stories of Ben’s actual experiences in Vietnam are revealed ‘between the lines’ of letters sent home to his new wife. His intentional censoring of those details is rooted in his hope to shield their love relationship from the contradictions of his own behavior in an environment with ongoing morality gauntlets.

This is the second volume in a series, sequenced by the thirteen months of his tour of duty. Read 2nd Moon: Temptation and follow Ben’s journey through situations that confront his moral convictions and commitment.

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INTRODUCTION: FROM INNOCENCE TO TEMPTATION

2nd Moon: Temptation is next in a memoir series revealing experiences that tested the author’s faith, challenged his commitment to his values and threatened the strength of his new marriage.

1ST MOON: INNOCENCE ~ RECAP

We met Ben in his initial month in Vietnam when he arrived as a loving husband but a naïve soldier. In preparation for his tour, Ben had focused on reinforcing crucial aspects of his life: protecting the relationship with his wife, strengthening his faith, and fortifying his mental capabilities to handle whatever may lie ahead. Ben was determined to adhere to his values, despite the temptations he might encounter.

Ben’s ability to manage his trials showed early signs of fracture as the temptations of drugs, alcohol, and women provided a distraction from the war. He suspected different behaviors might be needed to cope with his challenging new environment. Ben adapted to defend against emotional vulnerability, but it wasn’t clear whether these changes were temporary adjustments or indications of a metamorphosis.

THIRTEEN MOONS OVER VIETNAM: A MEMOIR SERIES

Thirteen Moons over Vietnam uses thematic titles for each month’s experience, which reflect Ben’s struggle to maintain his bearings in a morality minefield. His memoir illustrates the eternal battle between faith and temptation.

This work captures one soldier’s effort to reconcile troubling contradictions regarding behaviors in that setting. Ben has harbored shame, grief, rage, and self-doubt, and is compelled to bear witness with the hope that the process will aid him to put haunting memories to rest. His pen name, Ben Thieu Long, reflects that it has ‘been too long’ in finding his courage to acknowledge the fragility of his moral and character strength.

Ben’s behavior wobbled like a loose pendulum that swung between contrasted moral points. As a policeman trained to enforce laws, Ben crossed lines that obscured the distinction between law enforcers and lawbreakers.

As a soldier required to obeying military rules of engagement, Ben vacillated between being a hesitant pacifist and an intense aggressor.

Raised as a devoutly religious person with a strict moral standard, Ben ricocheted between his values-anchored morality and the dark seduction of temptations.

These stories bear witness to the turmoil many soldiers felt as they struggled emotionally and spiritually in facing moral contradictions in war. Ben’s strength of faith was continually pressured and he struggled to hold his moral ground. Despite his failings, Ben clung to his faith and a determination to protect his identity and sense of self-worth. His ability to be resilient was tested as he careened through his tour.

Ben has been driven by a compelling desire to reclaim his sense of personal worthiness and redemption through witnessing his lessons in facing temptation.

How he recognized his limitations, used resources to sustain his faith, and how well his moral strength weathered the journey is a story familiar to many who served in Vietnam.

CONTEXT: PERSONAL TRIBULATIONS AND LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES

Some experiences are so traumatic that they shatter us and what we believe about life. Victims of physical and emotional violence carry some scars for life.

Early in their tour soldiers feel a suffocating uncertainty, accompanied by ambiguous fear and an existential self-confrontation. Soldiers in war often encounter ethical contradictions and emotional disorientation. Morality lines are blurry in the fog of war, and sometimes soldiers choose immediate safety over the morally correct behavior.

Decent people can misstep during challenging circumstances, and the impact can have profound and lasting effects. Behavior choices triggered by fear and social pressure can precipitate destructive consequences. Some experiences tear at our self-expectations and shred our sense of humanity, leaving damaging effects well beyond the event.

At some point, some individuals reach a crossroad that poses diverging paths which can impact their sense of self-worth, purpose, and character. These personal dilemmas can confound and torment individuals. Beliefs and values are threatened when the behaviors people choose lead them down an unhealthy path.

Soldiers compartmentalize their experiences when communicating with loved ones. Correspondence, as illustrated in these letters home, is intended to shield others from worry, but also may contribute to a mental and emotional dissociation for the soldier.

This pattern, prolonged under stress, often continues after discharge from service and throughout the remainder of their lives. Actions initially used to protect others become self-preservation traits, sacrificing truth and clarity of one’s self-identity and worth.

17

NEW YEAR, OLD TRIALS: FAITH UNDER FIRE

JANUARY 1, 1970

WORRIES OF DEATH AND DISHONOR

The barracks was nearly empty as Ben sat on his bunk struggling with a letter. Most of the platoon was on duty, and only a couple of guys were still around at mid-morning. One of them was an MP whom Ben felt could be a good friend after recognizing they shared values and several common interests.

Larry Jackson, a devout Christian from Tennessee, was in-country two months longer than Ben. Larry had a reputation as a sensible guy. Men in the platoon respected Larry’s opinion; they thought he had a good head on his shoulders and tended to consider things through before acting.

This is going to be the longest year of my life, Ben muttered, dropping the letter he was writing.

Larry paused from his book in the next bunk. He muttered a bland, Yeah?

Ben was frustrated but also apprehensive about bothering anybody. Larry’s response sounded like an opening to continue.

I’ve been here a month. I don’t know how I’m going to get through another eleven months. It feels like I’ve been here longer. The time is hard, but there’s something worse that bothers me. We all want to avoid getting killed, but some things would be worse, Ben explained, glancing cautiously at Larry.

What’s worse than dying? Larry asked.

Ben was uneasy about mentioning a confidential situation but continued, What’s worse is to be in George’s situation. George believed he was doing his duty when he shot someone on the docks, but now he’s facing charges. He could get jail time if the judgment goes the wrong way. It’s bad enough here, but facing charges is horrible. Going to jail would ruin my life.

Larry stared at his feet before responding, George’s circumstances are messed-up. Nobody predicted that would happen. We shouldn’t judge others for what they do. We don’t know what he was thinking, and any one of us could be in a similar situation. None of us knows how we might respond to those circumstances.

With a sharp tone in his voice, Larry added, Fear about getting killed is normal, but you gotta put that stuff out of your mind. If you let it into your head, bad things happen that would be worse than being shot or killed.

What do you mean? Ben asked.

When guys worry about getting hurt, they make judgment errors, Larry explained. Sometimes they’re too cautious. Hesitation brings its own risks, which can get other people hurt. Guys need to focus on doing their duty to the best of their ability. Then, whatever happens, will happen.

Ben stared at the floor, uncomfortable. Larry sounded agitated and angry, but Ben wasn’t sure why. Ben mustered the courage to ask, I know you have strong beliefs, but how does that help me?

Larry looked Ben straight in the eye and declared, That’s my point. You need to believe in something, and it’s better to think positive. I believe in a higher power, and that gives me the strength and courage to face whatever is being thrown my way.

Ben stammered, I know that, and I try to keep my faith and strength, but there are many difficult challenges here.

TEMPTATION EVERYWHERE

Larry scoffed, Bullshit. There are trials everywhere. There aren’t any more temptations here than in Tennessee or anywhere else.

Ben started to argue, but Larry continued. The difference here is there are fewer controls and limitations. You can almost get away with murder. Guys do drugs and prostitutes without much restriction. Guys can behave like a cruel asshole, and nobody thinks anything about it, unlike back home.

That’s sure true, from what I’ve seen, Ben acknowledged.

Larry nodded and added, Temptations are everywhere; the opportunities to stumble are everywhere. What makes it more likely is that constraints are practically absent. So, you’re on your own to make lots of mistakes. THAT ought to make you afraid. It’s you alone facing the devil here, and he owns the place.

Well, that’s plenty to worry about, Ben replied. I get what you’re saying. That will make this both the longest and the toughest year of my life.

Larry laughed as he warned, That’s the problem. There’s plenty of temptation. Maybe the most dangerous temptation is expecting you can get away with everything you do because you think no one sees your behavior?

Ben said, Nobody sees me, but I still know what I did.

Larry continued, That’s the worst part, isn’t it? You may be able to get away with assault, violence, drugs, and sex, practically without consequences. Except you know what you’ve done and know those behaviors are wrong.

Ben said, That’s the dishonor. My behavior might be unseen, but I know what I’ve done. I know the temptation that I embraced. I know the transgressions committed.

Larry leaned forward and whispered, That’s our real war here. It’s the battles we fight as we try to resist temptations. It’s worse than the Vietcong, black market violators, and the corruption that we deal with as MPs. Sure, we got a job to do as military police, and we’ll do it to the best of our ability. But the temptation to cross the line of morality is the battle that will push you over the edge. For me, and maybe you, the real war is the battle within us, not fighting communists.

Ben leaned away and half turned before he acknowledged, I’ve found that out. I’m afraid about my next year. I worry that I don’t have the strength to win the battle against temptation for that long. I’ve already found my weakness. I’ve felt the pull of temptation and the scent of ‘delicious fruit’ so close to my face.

Larry suggested, Brother, we’re all tempted. It’s the way of the flesh, and none of us are immune. Yes, you believe, and yes, you have faith, wisdom, and courage, but that won’t be enough to protect you from being seduced by temptation.

Ben sighed hopelessly and wondered aloud, So how do you do it? How do you resist and stay above it all? What’s your secret?

Larry laughed and said, Who says I do any better than everyone else! Are you kidding? Do you think I’m immune? Do you think I fight this better than anyone else? No, I don’t have a secret solution.

Larry paused to draw a deep breath and said, Shit, man. The reason we’re having this conversation is that I’m aware of how difficult this fight is! Fighting this is a daily battle for me too. I’m not doing as well as I should be, nor am I doing as well as I’m telling you to be. We’re in the same boat, brother. Just grab an oar, and maybe we can help each other keep from sinking too many times. That’s the truth.

Ben’s face displayed shock as he searched for the right words. He didn’t find them. They sat a long time in silence, each lost in their thoughts.

FAITH UNDER FIRE – GIVE ME COURAGE

Ben shivered when he thought of a year of constant temptation. He wasn’t confident he had the strength to resist the many enticements and stay true to his moral code.

Ben doubted himself and recalled his prayer for wisdom, strength, and courage in the garden five weeks earlier. He worried about how well he would defend himself and was afraid he could be lost here. He sensed he was already defeated in his personal battles of commitment versus temptation.

Larry stared at the sunlight streaming through the door. He said, Maybe I’ve been too blunt about this year is a constant battle. It’s just that a prolonged struggle can shake anybody’s faith, beliefs, and sense of identity.

It’s better to be honest than to stay silent and let me stumble into difficulties, Ben said.

Larry said, You know, this is not all bad news, Ben.

Ben looked