Whatever Will Be... or Not

By D. Kelly Yannucci

Grace Collin is a beautiful, painfully honest Psychology student in Connecticut that tries to combine her love of cooking with counseling. She struggles with classes, work and tries to find love in between, in this time she makes mistakes and although she can help others; she can't help herself. This book is for everyone that has had a good or bad affair. She stumbles through some poor choices and loses in love until she'd ready to give up. Grace and her best friend Alan travel cross country to Colorado Springs to start fresh only to be separated by death and rape. Alan finds a new life in his past and Grace discovers a way to accept, forgive and move forward. She loses family but uncovers her parents secrets and a sister she never knew about. After finally facing some hard facts about herself; perfectionist, impatiences, and fear of failing... she learns she can succeed.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 5, 2014
• ISBN: 9781312254855

Book preview

Whatever Will Be... or Not

Whatever will be… or not

RoViSa/ D. Kelly Yannucci

Greeley, CO. USA

ISBN: 978-1-312-25485-5

These are for anyone that dreams of a better life… it does exist; if only in your mind.

Again, I apologize for misquoting H. L. Mencken: Those who can; do. Those who can’t; dream about it and write.

To Carol Jean, September 8, 1928 – November 5, 2008. She fostered my imagination and pushed me to reach for my dreams, I hope her spirit will continue to be with me.

Romance/ Good for all Readers:

Welcome To my Flippin’ Life: This is all about getting knocked on your ass and pulling yourself back up. My Flippin' Life is Ellie's journey; she is the guardian of her teen siblings at 18 and works to find an escape. Dear Stupid Diary; Erika goes from future drop out to honor student without realizing it. Ken needs a change of scenery in reconstructing the truth but finds lies, love and a second chance. Devlynn is sent to live with her ailing aunt and discovers that Road Service can be a very good thing! Ken gets the Surprise of his life in a Valentine's gift that captures his heart. In Architectural History, Charlotte is hiding from life and love in her classroom until Ben teaches her a new lesson. Best Laid Plans go up in smoke when Marcy meets a man with a killer smile and kisses and a body to die for.

E-Book: Things Happen 2: Romantic stories; power, pain, love and lies mingle thorough this collection. In Long Island, Cody and his children start a better life when Mandy walks away without warning… Jillian starts her morning in Colorado with a hot, flirty cop and as much as she'd love to search him; she can't cross that line... Angela has a calm and ordered life until a car bomb kills her husband and she's plunged into a world of power and murder. It reaches from CA to NY and there she discovers a family that does love her… Gaming battles, pool parties and fashion are her life. Antonio's 4 teenagers and their friends fill her life with love and sex; then she has to leave it all to face the truth... Anastasia is forced to move out rather than be molested again; then she must face her father... Amy's quiet life as a teacher explodes around her when her husband cheats again. She tries to pick up the pieces through; divorce, a lusty attorney and kidnapping… Cammi helps her new neighbor move in and tries to remain just friends; wine, firelight and passion make that impossible!

Adult Reading:

Satisfaction Cruises:  Sage Benton is the director of a cruise line in Miami that satisfies their passengers every sensuous fantasy. Most of the request are very specific and beyond normal sexual experiences and some bring out painful memories for Sage.

A Life after Death:  Kate tolerates a virtually loveless marriage; becomes a widow and discovers the depth of her husband’s betrayal. With the help of her grown children, she leaps into the world of sexual adventure that she’d missed.

E-Book: WildKat Journals:  Feel Kat’s frustrations with men and life; experience her horrifying nightmares and more terrifying realities. This headstrong woman’s passion and heartbreak have been conveyed openly in careful detail. I know you’ll love the amazing, powerful and vulnerable woman that she is. Kat took control of the story line which begins with her 16th birthday; the end will leave you in tears.

E-mail me at rovisa1 @yahoo.com for information on my work and how to get one or more books for the cost of a flash drive and feedback.     Kelly Yannucci / RoViSa

Whatever Will be… or not

Everybody knows it’s true and I wish they taught this shit in elementary school. There are different types of people and I know someone wants me to say, ‘there are 4 or 6 types’ or something. It’s not that easy and people change according to the person they’re with and everything that happens to them. It’s easier to figure out when people are still in school, because after that the groups aren’t as well defined.

There are leaches; they aren’t popular and kiss ass to hang with popular people. They’ll usually lie or spread rumors to boost that person until they find someone more popular or with better connections.

There are the opposites that say they don’t want to be popular but they are with their kind. They might be ‘hippies’, ‘dropouts’, or ‘Goth’. It’s the same, one generation after another and some are the smartest kids in school. The ones that don’t seem to pay attention in class… then show up and pass everything!

Everybody knows the popular people, usually sports or with rich parents; as much as we’d like to be popular, we don’t really like the people. There are also the popular kids within their group like drama and music.

There are of course the brains… always getting academic awards and of course, each subject is slightly separated from the others.

That’s how the basic groups are, but there’s so much more to it! There are always two or three guys that go out with every girl ‘as friends’ but won’t commit and girls that flirt and hang on all the guys; everyone on the outside might think they’re sluts, but they aren’t having sex! Don’t forget the ‘friends’ that comfort others after a break up; they probably get more sex than anyone else. I hated the girls that did ‘anything’ to be with popular boys a few times… they were never asked to be a girlfriend.

There’s a quiet group you have to careful of; they collect ‘friends’ but turn on them the second they get bored; ‘back stabbers.’ Sometimes they’re your friend for a reason; date for prom, tickets to a game or to end their boredom during summer. There doesn’t seem to be an obvious reason for the friendship to ‘break-up’, but they’re the kind you told ‘secrets’ to and they use them against you.

I fell into several categories; brain, theatre and being collected; I learned about the back stabbers the hard way. I was a comforter for breakups (boy or girl), but a rebound girl too. I was stupid enough to believe people when they said they liked me, but it always turned out the same.

That’s how I lost my virginity; one of the ‘sports’ popular guys comforted me, he was friends with the guy that dumped me. He took me out for more than a few dates and he was so ‘nice’! His kisses made me hot and crazy, but sex was a lot less than… I heard it was supposed to be. He took me out after ‘it’ and thankfully didn’t tell everybody we did ‘it’! Of course, I never told him it was my first time.

When I was hurt by someone dad told me to suck it up, there were more people in the world and some were good. Mom would hug me and say ‘whatever will be will be…’ I knew it was from a song but it was also her answer to everything… then we’d cook.

It was only after graduation that I laid out the patterns and knew I wanted to be a Psychologist. I thought people would be different in college; more mature, I was wrong… they were just better at using people and hiding the truth.

High school was ‘human relationships 101’. I wrote down what I learned from high school and what I saw in college to help me understand but it confused me! If I collect enough data, I’ll use it as my thesis somehow. Relationships vs. Relations – a study of love, lust and libido. I didn’t plan on being part of my study and my life got complicated.

Michael and Megan:

Michael was Megan’s high school sweetheart. I would describe him as a popular guy; good looking and smart. He was a music major and played at least 10 instruments but concentrated on 4. He liked to write little songs; I thought they sounded alike.

Megan was studying acting and directing; she wanted to write a 3 act play and asked to be my roommate for that reason. I read what she wrote in the middle of our 2nd year and gave my honest opinion… we weren’t roommates in my 3rd year. That wasn’t the only reason that I got my own place.

I guess Michael was a good boyfriend and when Megan was around, he was faithful; after the first semester, he started flirting with me. On New Year’s Eve he kissed me just after midnight and it wasn’t a simple ‘Happy New Year’s’ kiss. It didn’t help that I hadn’t had a boyfriend since the summer after high school! Megan wasn’t even bothered by it, but maybe she was too drunk.

To Valentine’s Day he flirted more and hugged me every time he came over. When he stayed over, he came out in only those snug, long legged boxers. He had a great body and he knew it; the ‘good morning Grace’, and hugs were just frustrating me!

He brought me Valentine’s flowers while Megan was in class and said he really wanted a chance to be with me. I handed him back the flowers and said I wasn’t into cheating; he smiled, so if Meg and I weren’t together… would you go out with me?

I doubt it so don’t break-up to ask me out; we’re still roommates. After that, he didn’t stay over as much, but he still walked around in almost nothing. They broke up at the end of semester… Megan found a guy in Drama that liked her writing.

To sum them up; I’d have to say that Megan was a leach; she hung around band in high school because she was in color guard. She was in one of the music popular group as part of a couple. Michael really was one of the good guys. He was a good friend and except for the possibility of cheating, he was a good boyfriend… some girls didn’t care; they just said ‘whatever’.

It ended in time; Sue and a friend from class helped me find an apartment; and I moved before I went home for the summer at the end of May. It wasn’t what I wanted, but the price was right and it was out of the main stream. I’d have my bedroom and private bath; a good sized combined kitchen/ dining room/ living room open to a enclosed patio and a 2nd bedroom with a full guest bath, it was a big apartment for 1 person. I knew it was possible that a friend might stay over, but I didn’t want to worry about roommates or hear them with their boyfriends!

My new neighbor, Chris, helped me with boxes. I tried to pretend that I was hot because it was May but the temperature didn’t compare with him! He had 3 different girls over during the 2 days I was moving in so I tried to write him off. I did beg him to watch and run my car while I was gone… it was crappy but I needed it. He said sure and came out to look when I was leaving for the airport; it smelled musty like it always did so I sprayed the back seat with my vanilla body spray. You’re trying to make it smell better but I think you have a leak around the back window.

Well… I can’t fix it right now and I hate the moldy smell!

He took my body spray. I don’t like it either, maybe I have a friend that can patch it but I’ll have to spray it again… or I can use my cologne.

I stood up and turned but he didn’t back out of the door so I was against his chest. He smelled amazing and I was positive he had no cologne on! No… I mean… it’s okay to keep me, I mean my spray to do what you want… to the car that is!

He had an honest but sexy smile and put his arms around me, then he pulled the back of my blouse out and sprayed vanilla on my back. The cold made me press against him, I like the way you move. He moved his head past my shoulder and inhaled, it smells better on bare skin… it smells like you have it in your hair too. He nuzzled my hair and neck; I had to hold onto his arms! Maybe you’ve been out in the sun too much; your face is red… his finger trailed down my throat and he even held my blouse out! I don’t know how you’d get sunburn all the way down there but I’d love to find out.

I put my hand against my blouse, its hot out… its probably heat rash! I gotta go! I was so grateful my cab pulled up!

Chris carried my suitcase over, held the back of my head and gave me one hell of a kiss! I had to slap him on principal! I expected that; it was so worth it… I won’t forget about your car. He put my suitcase in after me and stood in the parking lot rubbing his cheek. The kiss was hot, passionate and a little rough; I’d never been kissed like that! I was sure he’d forget about me and my car as soon as the next girl walked by; what a jerk.

Mom and Dad:

My dad picked me up at the airport; as always he said I’d lost too much weight and mom was at home cooking up my favorite dinner to put some meat on my bones. My favorite dinner was her version of shepherd’s pie with tropical dump cake for dessert or maybe key lime pie. It was a simple and quick meal; she was probably getting neighbors together too. I asked dad if there was a party when we turned onto our road; it was lined with cars… he shrugged and smiled. My dad wasn’t a big talker, but my mom was usually chatting about something so I guess they were good together.

I grew up on a 20 or 25 acre farm, it was over 2 miles wide so neighbors weren’t close. We were part of a farming co-op in central Alabama about 35 miles northeast of Montgomery. The farms were deep and went back forever, some of the families had crops and others had livestock. We had chickens, corn and salad vegetables; our neighbors grazed their horses or cows on our land, so dad claimed to be a ‘gentleman farmer’. He also repaired tractors, or any other kind of machine and sharpened tools.

Mom and a few neighbors must have been cooking for hours and the house smelled heavenly! She said I was too thin, but I looked good; maybe it was a boy. I said there was no boy and I was tired, but she told me to wash up and come join the party. I really didn’t stand a chance against mom. She made sure our ex-neighbor’s 22 year old son and I were together as much as possible!

John was more… muscular than I remembered. We tried to make polite conversation but… we always picked at each other. Him being sexier just made it more frustrating for me. When I tried to be flirty, he said my fancy college and me were too good for him. I tried to ignore him, but he was staring at me… he looked pissed and kept shaking his head when he talked to dad.

The party was amazing as always; by the end of the evening (8pm), I was up to date on what everybody was doing; who was together, apart and having babies (that included the animal world). I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow and up at 5am with mom.

We got into our routine; breakfast, (leftovers from dinner, usually on a biscuit), collect eggs and pick a few more vegetables. Dad and John helped us load the wagon to visit neighbors and trade crops; we’d drop off and pick up, drop more off and collect more. It would go on for about 4 hours in more than a 30 mile circle and there was a lot of ‘visiting’ too.

We also checked on a couple of families; one was a young woman with 3 small kids, her husband was overseas and she had the most beautiful garden (fruits and berries), but had trouble getting around to trade.

The other was a widow; she’d been ‘Widow Johnson’ since I was about 3 and raised cows and had chickens. She wasn’t weak or frail and I swear she hadn’t aged! Her son and his wife lived with her, but they had a baby on the way… any day now. We helped load milk tins in our wagon and left her with meat, fruit and vegetables.

We started the trip home and that meant dropping off things we’d picked up, including mended clothes and a repaired harness. Someone else would make the run tomorrow and the next day before it came back to us. A few women including mom were ‘cooks’; they made batches of their specialties and passed them around. My mom made some of the best stews and jams. Mrs. Morganroth made all kinds of bread; including regular loaves and rolls but my favorites were zucchini and pumpkin and I knew I’d have some to take home with me. Mrs. Cromwell knew how to ‘put up’ or can any vegetable, so we’d all have them through the winter, she dried fruits and vegetables too, some of those went into our sausages… my favorite food!

Our days ‘off’ were for making sausage and stew to vacuum seal. We were at the meat packer closer to town at 5am; they loaded the soft frozen packages of meat into the wagon. Kyle Morganroth flirted and asked how long I’d be home. I told him the same as always; just the summer with no time for love. Mom nudged me and said there was always a little free time. I told her again it would be nice but Kyle was my last choice!

We unloaded the wagon and set out the packages from neighbors, then mixed and ground the partially frozen meats. Then came the liquid smoke, spices, dried fruits, mashed pumpkin or sweet potato and the dried ends from breads; they were fillers, but so good!  We added according to taste; what we had, what we didn’t have and generally had 60 lbs. of meat. This time it was 28 lbs. of pork, 12 of beef, 7 lbs. of lamb and 16 lbs. of turkey. No organ meat or rendered meats were allowed and we had a different mix every time. When we were done, we’d have about 200 5 ounce sausages with dinner for that night or breakfast; my favorites were Andouille with apple and raisins or spicy Chorizo! I always took a little of the Italian to make meatballs, I liked bites sized even though mom and dad said the bigger ones were better.

A neighbor dropped off zucchini and sweet potato breads, along with potatoes, carrots and onions for stew and a block of cheese. We were done making sausage around 1:30. I cooked some; cut chunks of cheese and bread, sliced fresh apples and took lunch out to dad and John with a pitcher of sweet tea. John and I didn’t talk… it was best; he did say the sausage was wonderful and carried the tray back in for me. I got busy cubing the meat for stew, but he took his time going back out to work with dad.

He pulled off his t-shirt and went in the bathroom to wipe down and cool off… then stood by the counter to finish drying. I don’t know where he got a clean shirt. His arms, chest… his whole body had beefed up since last summer. He came up behind me and kissed my cheek, lunch was nice Grace; it’s nice to have you home. He was out the door before I reacted and thankfully, he couldn’t see me blush!

Mom came in while I was still watching John walk out to the barn. He’s put on some muscle since last year… I can take over if you wanna go out and talk to him.

Gross! We wouldn’t have anything to talk about; I don’t need a summer romance… even if John knew how to be romantic or liked me!

She shook her head, your cheeks are awful red for a girl that’s not interested in a boy that just kissed her. We got back to making stew; this would have beef and venison with onion, leeks, parsnips, and carrots. We’d make 4 pots and fill about 20- 1 gal freezer bags, then we’d have a late dinner with the last small batch.

Tomorrow was back to our ‘regular’ delivery we’d take our cooked food to neighbors and pick up fresh fruit to make jam the next day, I loved the fruit! Three days after that we did the meat market again, it wasn’t always the same schedule… but close.

We still had to buy things we couldn’t grow… but it was a wonderful way to grow up. It took me almost 2 weeks to realize that mom and dad hugged before we left in the mornings and I was a little surprised at the way they kissed. They acted like a young couple… in love, I’d never thought of my parents being in love; they were my parents!

I liked to see them happy, but it was difficult to watch. When I walked in the kitchen on June 2nd, they were hugging and dad was rubbing his hands over moms back and lower. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.

Dad held my arm when I turned to leave, why do you always leave when we hug or kiss… you run away. There’s nothing wrong with it, your mother and I have gotten to know each other again since you left for college and that’s a very good thing.

I know there’s nothing wrong with it… it’s a little uncomfortable to watch people make out. I haven’t had a lot of experience and I don’t understand the feelings. I really am glad that you’re so happy, but I’d rather give you your privacy.

Mom hugged me, just tell John you like him and see where it goes from there.

I stared as if she’d turned green, what are you talking about! He’s always been mean to me; he always bumps me, pulls with my hair, picks me up and dumps me in the hay pile, or tickles me till I cry! He’s been mean to me… forever.

Dad cracked up and hugged me, with all your studies, you can’t see what’s in front of you. That boy likes you and always has; he might not bring you flowers and candy, but he likes you! We’ll be working on Mr. Jackson’s tractor next week, give him a chance.

I agreed to try after my mom gave me ‘the look’. Maybe you could show me what you’re doing… I can’t even check oil in a car.

He kissed my cheek, I think you should say that to John… it’s a start and I’m sorry you can’t fly my old motorcycle back with you… but its shot. I nodded but reminded him that it wouldn’t be any good in the snow.

My mom went on the deliveries by herself when John showed up the next week. She gave me ‘the look’ again and told me to mind my manners. I felt like a child and took lunch out at 10. John smiled and started to say something then clamped his mouth shut… I think dad talked to him. Dad grabbed a couple slices of roast and a chunk of bread before getting comfortable away from us.

John sat down by the tray and asked if I’d join him. We talked about stupid things and made small talk… it didn’t feel normal and I didn’t like pretending.

I should go inside… I’m keeping you from work. I’ll come back for the tray later. I ran back to the house without crying and got busy cleaning out the refrigerator. Mom helped and asked why I was upset; we talked until we finished making dinner.

She had me make apples and sausage over rice and set the table for 4, I thought it would be nice if John had dinner with us; if he sleeps here they can get an earlier start.

I broke the spoon when I slammed it on the counter, why do you keep trying to set us up? I don’t like him!

If you didn’t like each other; you wouldn’t make each other so crazy and your cheeks wouldn’t be red. He spent the afternoon telling dad how he screwed up and what he should have said; like you did with me.

I looked down at my filthy clothes as John and dad came in the back door. I ran upstairs; jumped in the shower and changed into clean shorts and a t-shirt… it might have been a little snug. Once my wild curls were pulled back, I took a deep breath and went down to the kitchen.

You look very pretty sweetheart; John is in the shower, we planned to have him stay over anyway. His drive back and forth takes too much time and we need his help all the time; maybe we should ask him to move in.

John came around the corner before I could say anything, I’d love to move in; my apartment building is horrible and too far. I turned, but he was so close we were touching. You look beautiful Grace and dinner smells great, can I help with anything?

I froze and stared in his eyes; I did like him. I don’t know why I couldn’t accept it, maybe we were too busy fighting. I blinked to break the spell and stood on my toes to kiss his cheek, thank you; you could carry the skillet to the table for me, and I’ll get the rice. I realized that we’d been nice to each other and weren’t struck by lightning!

I guess… John and me:

Dinner was relaxed and I was brave enough to ask John if he could possibly teach me a little about regular engines… so I could take care of my car. I swear he sighed in relief and said he’d love to. Dad said they could spare a little time and mom said she could do the runs on her own.

John picked up our glasses, maybe we could sit on the deck and really talk. Mom nodded and said she’d take care of the honeybuns, so I followed John out. I don’t know what we talked about, and for a couple of hours we just looked at the night sky and he held my hand. When he got up, I thought he was ready to end our evening but he smiled, held up a quilt and put his hand out.

I followed him off the patio and we spread the quilt beyond the oak tree… past sight of the house. I don’t know what you think will happen.

I wouldn’t mind holding more than your hand, but I don’t wanna make your parents uncomfortable in case we do more than snuggle. I laughed, rolled toward him and stole my first kiss. Yeah… I was hoping.

After the first kiss, I thought there might be a little talking, but I didn’t realize how horny I was! I’m sorry John… but I haven’t been with anybody since last summer but I don’t want you to think I’m bad or ‘easy’.

He stopped kissing my neck, I think you’re honest and I’m in about the same situation. He asked if I was on birth control and could I trust it or should he go to his car before he got his pants and shoes off. I told him I got a 3 year implant just over a year ago and I trusted it.

Our lovemaking was slow, rich and truly loving but gentle. The sky was starting to get light when he pulled his jeans on and slipped his t-shirt over my head.

Dad came out with his coffee cup, stood over us and smiled, I guess we could relax a little today… maybe the 2 of you need to go in and get some sleep… sound carries over the fields. He chuckled and went inside.

I buried my face in John’s neck, I don’t know about you, but I’m embarrassed!

He smiled, nodded and kissed me, I hope it’s not old fashioned, but does this mean you’re my girlfriend, or was it just for last night?

It’s not old fashioned, I’d like to be your girlfriend for the summer; I have to go back to school in August. What do we do then?

He shrugged, I guess we enjoy ourselves and see where we are.

Mom couldn’t stop grinning at breakfast; giving us ‘knowing’ smiles.

I sighed, Okay, I concede; you and dad were right to get us together. Since you were right and John will be moving in… maybe we could share my room. They said okay and I was shocked. My bedroom was at the opposite end of the house from my parents since I was 13 and got a stereo.

I was in heaven and John asked why. Besides the obvious? You’re my 1st real boyfriend; I was never official; even last summer or in college. It feels… special.

He twirled my curls around his fingers while he kissed my forehead, you’re special Grace. I’m proud to be your first boyfriend… you’ll judge future boyfriends against me.

Are you saying that we won’t stay together?

I’m saying that you’ll go back to Hartford in 6 weeks and we won’t see each other till next summer. A lot can happen, we shouldn’t tie each other down while we’re apart.

I knew he was right, your honesty doesn’t make me feel better.

Around the 3rd week of June, we stayed at his apartment for a week. It was to pack his stuff, but he didn’t have much and most of it was packed a couple days after my folks asked him to move in. He invited some friends over for a pool party and barbecue’ I loved it when he introduced me as his girlfriend; I knew a few people from high school.

I thought he sounded a little sad when he told somebody that I was dumping him in August for college. I might be able to transfer… I had a 2 year scholarship, but I think I can move now.

He brushed a curl back and hugged me, then lifted me off the ground, calm down; I know I put down your fancy northern college, but I’m proud of you and how smart you are. The fact that you’d consider moving back here to be with me… means everything. I’ve loved you for years and been a jerk; I wanna make the most of this summer.

He was relaxed about it and realized that I was being clingy; I watched girls do it in high school and swore I wouldn’t be like that! He was special to me and I could honestly say that I loved being with him and the way he treated me but I couldn’t say I loved him. If I was honest; the one kiss from Chris was better than all of them from John! But John was with me and Chris had a harem. Being in Psychology makes relationships hard; you over analyze your feelings while you make the mistakes you swore you wouldn’t!

We took his things to my house and set him up in the spare bedroom by mine; but went from his room to mine. Before he and dad left to get parts, he’d hug me and say he loved me… in front of my parents! By the end of July, I think they expected us to announce our engagement!

I started packing to go back to school the next week, I checked on a transfer, but the college in Montgomery didn’t have the classes I needed. I should have been sad to leave or thought he’d be sad that I was going. But we were okay when he took me to the airport.

We’ll see other people and I don’t want you to tell me all the details, although I like that stuff. I need to know if you’re serious… so I’m not surprised if you announce that you’re engaged or something.

I smacked his arm, I don’t even know anybody this semester… a lot of students move around to get the exact classes and jobs they want. He still wanted to know… to keep up with each other.

He hugged me when my flight was called for a third time and I finally got up. I tried to hide my face in his neck so he wouldn’t see me cry, but he pulled me away; he was crying too. I didn’t wanna do this, but I’m really gonna miss you Gracie. I nodded, kissed him again, shouldered my bag and turned away. I tried not to turn back but I had to; he waved, blew me a kiss and wiped his face before he left.

My flight was delayed in Ohio so I didn’t land until almost midnight. At least it was easy to get a cab to my new apartment; I almost forgot the address! Chris swore he’d been ‘taking care’ of my car and started it every few days, he even drove it around the parking lot once a week. It was covered in dust when I got home; I moved it back to my assigned space; put my suitcases inside, put the breads in the freezer and fell into bed!

Alan and Tina/ Chris and…

I dragged myself out of bed and sent John a text before going through my mail, starting my housework and setting up my apartment. The furniture was the only thing I took care of before I left. I hadn’t even set up my coffee maker and the only food I had were 2 zucchini breads, some frozen dinners and dry goods.

I only found out what a mess my car was when I wanted to go out for breakfast. I knocked on Chris’s door twice before he finally answered and a mostly naked girl came out behind him. I forced myself to look at his face and from the smile on his face; he was enjoying my discomfort. Chris, I appreciate you watching my car over the summer… but could you come and clean up your mess. I’m pretty sure I didn’t leave clothes, fast food wrappers or condoms in there.

Should I put on more than my underwear or do you like me better this way? I crossed my arms and tried to look mad but he just laughed. The girl said she’d help too; he told her to wait for him in bed.

I started wiping the dash off while I waited and looked in the mirror. My mad look wasn’t very scary; I had brown hair with a glint of red and some blond from the sun. It was naturally curly so I had cute but unruly ringlets around my face. When I pulled the sides back with combs, I looked professional and a little bit ‘Greek’… right now I looked more like a little girl’s rag doll.

Chris and his ‘friend’ came out… but she left after calling him a few choice bad words and slapping him across the face. He held up a t-shirt and shrugged, I guess it wasn’t her shirt… oh well no great loss.

What was she… number 500 since I left? He cocked one eyebrow and my stomach flipped! We washed and waxed my car; then a few neighbors pulled their cars in the grass and everything was wet. Ryan from one of my classes was there too, (he told me about the apartments), and he introduced me to Alan. I wasn’t sure what Alan’s girlfriend’s name was but she was a bitch. There was a sponge fight, buckets of water dumped over heads and when Chris got a little too personal; I put the hose down his shorts.

Thanks, I needed to cool off. Then he hoisted me over his shoulder and said he was going to stuff me in the bucket. The way he slid me down his chest made my knees weak and he knew it! We had a lot of fun and I got to meet most of my neighbors; find out what classes they were taking and watch them flirt. I flirted too but it was all in fun; I’m not sure how much was innocent, Chris was by me and found a way to hold me every few minutes. I wanted him to stop, but I really didn’t.

Chris finally wrapped a towel around my shoulders and asked if my car was clean enough, you could’ve waited to wake me up.

I was headed out for breakfast when I saw the mess… I haven’t even had coffee; yes my car is clean and thanks for your help.

He stood closer. Come to my place for coffee; I’ll even whip you up breakfast.

Thanks but you’re not safe, I have to go to the store; here’s your towel.

He smiled again… then looked at the front of my shirt, if you’re really going to the store like that; I need to pick up a few things! I can guard that tasty little body. I looked down at what used to be a light yellow t-shirt; the dirt marks were molded around my breasts. A bra would have been helpful, but I was only a B cup so why bother. I slapped him with a wet sponge and went in to change.

I told John about the car wash and he asked about Chris, I told him he was a nice guy, a good neighbor, but messy… why? He didn’t respond so I reread my email; I’d mentioned Chris at least 15 times! I saw neighbors while I was getting ready for classes to start; coming and going, some weren’t students. Two girls moved out to share a house and Alan moved in with his girlfriend, Tina. He was nice but I was right; she was a total bitch; they were on one side of me and Chris was on the other. We helped with boxes and she flirted with Chris right in front of everybody! When Alan shook my hand and said thanks for the help, she grabbed his arm and told me ‘yeah thanks, bye.’

I saw Tina at the library and after a week, she was in my Psychology class! I stayed away from her; it was enough to put up with her at home! I was pissed when she made friends with Sue and they both came over to study; Sue thought it was convenient that Tina lived next door. I felt better when Alan came over to get Tina for dinner.

Sue gave me a strange look after Tina practically dragged him out the door, she turned into a clingy bitch as soon as he showed up!

I nodded and got out the wine; we talked about relationships and how it changed people; we finished the bottle so she slept over. We promised to be honest with each other if we saw changes… if we ever had boyfriends. We talked about guys in general; our ex’s, Ryan, John, Chris and Shane. Shane was in a few of her classes; they were ahead of me. He and Chris were at the top of our discussion; both hot and a pain. She said I should date; John was very clear about not tying each other down. Not ready.

She asked if I’d ever thought of going the other way so I didn’t have to put up with men. I said I experimented in high school but I liked everything that men had to offer and I didn’t have enough practice to switch gears. She got a lot more… descriptive; it turns out that I had a lot less experience than I thought. It’s not that it was bad, but she was talking about ‘overwhelming passion’ and ‘animal lust’. I told her that I could only describe my sex life as desire and satisfaction, except for the kiss from Chris before I left. He kissed you? What did you do?

I slapped him… but I thought about the kiss all summer, then I was pissed when I saw my car. I e-mailed John; he asked about Chris and said dad was trying to relax more so he was helping mom with the last of the garden. They’ll clear everything out soon, fertilize and put down a layer of straw. He asked if I was coming home for Christmas, I said not if I wanna make it back next summer… sorry.

You should’ve said yes to Chris for breakfast and you need to date.

We had a lot of open time in one class and I should have been studying but I was more interested in watching 2 professors. I’d swear there was something going on and they weren’t married to each other. I know people cheat… but somehow I thought my teachers were supposed to be above that; I know… naive.

I asked Sue if she saw the little ‘looks’ and she shrugged. Shane interrupted by wrapping one arm around each of us, I knew Sue liked him last semester; this was the first class I had with him. I backed away, I’ll leave you in Sue’s capable hands. He pouted but pulled Sue closer. They went out that night; she told me later that he was sooo worth putting up with… and that it was cute when I blushed.

I paid too much attention to my professors and changed their names for this.

William and Zoe:

Well they’re 2 married professors and I thought they were flirting. Since I’m a 3rd, year student I get closer to teachers and as much as I didn’t wanna know… I wanted to know if I was right. I started spending my spare time in ‘the brain lab’. A computer lab and reference library that’s in the psych lounge.

It took over a month of looks and little touches; I knew that they at least wanted to be together. I was introduced to their spouses at a Thanksgiving banquet… neither of them seemed to see or care what my teachers did. Zoe’s husband was drunk by dinner, she apologized and they left. William’s wife was horrible; she didn’t even pretend that she wanted to dance with him! For the few days before winter break, I did some research on ‘cheating’, yes, there have been major studies.

Zoe touched me and I jumped, what are you working so hard on?

I covered my notebook, it’s my thesis; why wait to the last minute?

She sat down, took the book and sighed, Anyone in particular or just curious? I couldn’t look at her. Grace, you’re a very smart young woman and from your reaction… we should talk. I nodded, got my things and followed her to one of the offices; Will turned from his desk.

She asked if she could see what I had so far, then handed it to Will, you’re very observant and I think your thesis will be worth reading if your declaration is clear. Is there a reason you’re watching us? I shook my head; I still couldn’t look up.

Will handed my notebook to me, why do you think we have to be held to higher standards, we have bad marriages and it’s not a good time to make changes. I clutched my notes and stared at the floor.

Zoe put her arm around my shoulder, we not mad; my husband knows I don’t love him. We got married after graduation and started working; he joined the Marines 2 years later and was injured. Between alcohol and painkillers… we haven’t been together for over 6 years; we don’t even sleep in the same bed.

William sat on the edge of his desk, I dated my wife for a few years in Nebraska… and had no intention of getting married. About a week after I got the offer here… 6 years ago… she said she was pregnant and would ruin my career if I abandoned her. She was pregnant about 3 months later but wasn’t far enough along; it wasn’t mine. She lost the baby a couple months later and I had a vasectomy when she refused a divorce. I’ll get proof that she’s cheating and divorce her.

You can get a no fault divorce, but how can you claim infidelity… Zoe shook her head no, and I understood; they hadn’t crossed the line and it had to be killing them. I would never say anything and I don’t see a reason to put any of this in my thesis. They said my observations were correct and proved I was learning to observe. They also said they waited long enough; maybe I was the boost they needed to move ahead.

A different approach and a surprise:

I promised to be less intense when I watched people and now I wasn’t sure I could talk to people about personal problems! I’d do research on other careers in psychology over the break. The first day of break, someone knocked on my door at 6:32am! I was ready to yell at whoever it was but John was standing there with coffee and doughnuts! I almost knocked them out of his hands but he was ready. He put the food down and his suitcase inside before he lifted me off the floor kissing me. Our coffee got cold.

We stayed in till after lunch, then played in the snow with Tina, Alan, Chris and his newest ‘girlfriend’. Chris asked why I hadn’t mentioned I had a boyfriend; I had to think about it… it’s not like he was available so I shrugged.

John asked what Chris said and why it was bothering me hours later but I think, he already knew. Grace, there wasn’t any reason for you to stay home alone since you got back; we agreed to date.

I nodded and rolled against him, you said ‘we’ should date… did you go out after I left? He said maybe a few times. Well that’s fine for you but I didn’t feel like seeing anyone. He said it would be better… if we had a future… to date now. "Are you trying to say that