Living On the Edge of Wetness: A Funny Ride Through an Interesting Life

By Jim “JK” Kelly

Our tour guide through this adventure learned early in life that most girls like funny guys so he became one. Being adopted by an Irish catholic couple that operated a funeral home gave him plenty of comic material and he was off from there. Kicked out of college he heads west to LA to ply his writing skills and sick sense of humor wherever he can. He snags a gig on a late night cable show, where he scores his first big hit: “The Edge of Wetness”.

Jaded by fading fame and wear and tear he heads to Israel to figure things out. There, he meets Sara and discovers something very special about her.

Turns out Sara’s returned to Jerusalem to get her sister, Mary, out of an incredible dilemma. Mary is none other than Mary Magdalene and the dilemma is a place called Purgatory!

The Apostles weren’t very entertained by a recent Hollywood blockbuster and Sara’s been sent to latch onto “JK” and get him to guide her to LA where only the movers and shakers he knows have the key to free Magdalene.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu Publishing Services
• Release date: Aug 3, 2015
• ISBN: 9781483434292

Book preview

LIVING

ON

THE

EDGE

OF

WETNESS

A FUNNY RIDE THROUGH AN INTERESTING LIFE

Jim JK Kelly

Copyright © 2015 Jim JK Kelly.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored, or transmitted by any means—whether auditory, graphic, mechanical, or electronic—without written permission of both publisher and author, except in the case of brief excerpts used in critical articles and reviews. Unauthorized reproduction of any part of this work is illegal and is punishable by law.

ISBN: 978-1-4834-3428-5 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4834-3429-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015910648

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Lulu Publishing Services rev. date: 07/23/2015

Contents

Chapter 1   Flyin’ High!

Chapter 2   How’d I Get Here?

Chapter 3   Edge Of Wetness

Chapter 4   Seriously?

Chapter 5   Panty Claus And Waffle Butt

Chapter 6   Hr Nightmare

Chapter 7   Lady Bird Did It!

Chapter 8   Catholic School In The 60S

Chapter 9   Growing Up With The Dead

Chapter 10   Martians, Jc, And A Typewriter

Chapter 11   Get My Cigarettes!

Chapter 12   The Apostles Are Pissed

Chapter 13   It’s Showtime!

Chapter 14   Turbulence

Chapter 15   Heaven

About The Author

T

hanks to my adopted parents for choosing me over the little dude in the next bassinet. Who knows where the hell I might have wound up then? Whatever great things they didn’t give me genetically they gave me in other ways, and I can never thank them enough. They died way too early, but as I have come to learn, shit happens, so you have to wipe and move on.

In the order of their appearance, to my children David, Melissa and Kristen, and to the love of my life -my wife Lisa, thank you all for your love and for putting up with me all these years!

To my comedy heroes, whose names rhyme with pickles and yearn. Thanks for the attitude and thirty years of morning ride-alongs.

CHAPTER 1

Flyin’ High!

I ’m high as a kite, lying flat at thirty-eight thousand feet somewhere over the North Atlantic. The beer and some PMs are working really well as a team, and The Star Spangled Banner is playing in my headphones. I can usually sleep just about anywhere, so I’m not sure if this is a red-eye ritual or if I do the mix just for the fun of it. That alcohol and pill concoction might be one of my favorite foods. But the Banner is so very special, and it does just the opposite for me. It stirs up emotions and gives me goose bumps. I love that song.

After all these years, it still stirs a thrill in me every time I hear it played. They should play it at the start of every movie, public gathering, the nightly news, whenever. When I was a kid, I would hear it played at the end of the day’s broadcast on any one of the three channels we had on TV.

It’s strange, but late at night it lulls me to sleep. Okay, so that’s my night-night. Only thing missing is the Jaeger, but that ran out just past the duty-free at Heathrow.

Crap! Who the – what the hell’s going on? The cabin lights are on bright. Some dipshit just yanked off my headphones, and everyone in first class is looking at me like I just shit myself. The two guys standing over me are telling me to get up and get up now. I really love the lay-flat seats. They are the only way to fly more than six hours anywhere. Okay, so what the hell’s going on? I wasn’t playing with anything, now was I?

So the two dudes are sky marshals. The one with the flattop haircut wants to cuff me, while the other one is looking at me like I just humped his lover.

The flight attendants are also in play. It’s amazing how sometimes you get the