Dilf: Confessions of a Sexy Dad

By William Wright

Everyone who's watched American Pie knows about MILFs, but have you ever heard of a DILF? You have now.

DILF: CONFESSIONS OF A SEXY DAD covers topics such as jorts, Honey Boo Boo and the Pittsburgh Steelers. Even when more controversial subjects such as drugs and religion are discussed, DILF – Yours Truly – maintains his sense of humor.

DILF is built around three stories. The first is “Forbidden Fruit,” the story of Adam and Eve told as if Adam’s gay partner Steve lived with them in Eden. The second is “Bed Buddies,” about a modern-day couple trying an open marriage, and the third is “A Family Affair,” a potboiler about a woman whose family secret comes back to haunt her.

Anyway, I’d say more but the ol’ ball and chain is telling me to wrap it up. Apparently our kitty made a number two, and the litter box isn’t going to clean itself. Clearly my wife didn’t get the sexy dad memo.

Just give it a try. C'mon, it's a cheap-ass eBook for cryin' out loud!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Jun 9, 2015
• ISBN: 9781329204300

William Wright

William Wright, the author of ten nonfiction books on diverse subjects, was born in Philadelphia in 1930. After earning a BA at Yale University, he served in the US Army as a translator and interpreter of Mandarin Chinese. Later he became an editor at Holiday and the editor of Chicago magazine. In addition to The Von BülowAffair, Wright is the author of many books, among them Lillian Hellman: The Image, the Woman; Pavarotti: My World; and Born That Way: Genes, Behavior, Personality.  

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Dilf: Confessions of a Sexy Dad

DILF: Confessions of a Sexy Dad

By William Wright

Copyright © 2015 William Wright. All rights reserved.

Published by Lulu.com

ISBN: 978-1-329-20430-0

For Tom

Intro: DILF or No DILF

My name is Bill Funnyballs, and I approve of this message.

Actually that’s not my name, but wouldn’t it be great if it was? I’d have no problem getting elected to public office, even if I was a crappy politician. Who wouldn’t vote for a guy named Bill Funnyballs?

I thought about using it as a pen name for this book, but I’d probably better just leave well enough alone. The title alone is funny enough, I think. DILF: Confessions of a Sexy Dad has a nice ring to it. It’s catchy and hip, as the kids would say. Well, hip may be a bit dated. Rad is more like it. Rad is short for radical, of course. We cool dads know that kind of thing. Or sick – not in a bad way but in a good way as in my book’s title is sick and in need of medical care. Fooled you! That’s the bad sick. The good sick would be something like that title is mad sick and totally off the chain. See what I mean?

What makes the title rad and mad sick and totally off the chain? It all starts with DILF.

Teenagers often employ anagram-speak. For example they say things like LOL, which means Laughing Out Loud even though they aren’t always laughing out loud when they say it. DILF, for those who don’t know, is a play on MILF, which stands for Mom I’d Like to hmm…maybe I could say another word that would serve as an acceptable substitute. Ooh, I’ve got one – finger! Mom I’d Like to Finger! On second thought, some folks may find that objectionable. Mom I’d Like to Fondle – no, same problem. Mom I’d Like to Fuck. Wait, what was the question?

If I were to describe my writing style, it would be something along the lines of Edgar Allan Poe meets Erma Bombeck. Poe is the 19th century author of such works as The Raven and The Tell-Tale Heart. Some considered him insane, but to certain teenage fans that assessment cemented his reputation as rad. Bombeck also wrote stuff, such as the humorist book If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits? Bombeck wasn’t rad or even hip. She was quaintly amusing.

The thing is, Poe died in 1849 while Bombeck wasn’t born until 1927. How could I possibly be the product of their loins? I’ve given the matter some thought, and here’s how it happened: Edgar, furious with sexual desire, deposited his seed onto a phallic-shaped piece of fossilized tree resin, better known as amber. (Poe actually called it Amber. I think that’s where the name originated.) Bits of the seed became entrapped in the amber, where they remained until Erma, in her early 40’s and frustrated in her marriage, received the amber as a gift from a fan and used it to pleasure herself one day in 1968. Poe’s seed was released and reanimated. It fertilized her quaintly amused egg, and here I am! It’s like the movie Jurassic Park with a touch of porn.

I know it sounds crazy, but that’s how I roll. Must be the Poe side.

7/4/14

By the time you read this, I will probably be dead.

How long have I been here? I’ve lost track of the time. I think it’s been about a week and a half, but I can’t be sure of anything anymore. After I was kidnapped they took away my watch and cell phone, my only links to the outside world. In fact they took away everything I had on me, including my clothes. All I have in this small windowless room is a toilet and eight other naked men and women, all just as confused and terrified as me.

I’m writing this on toilet paper with an old Bic pen I found. Part of me is frightened by the prospect of getting caught, but the other part realizes that it doesn’t matter because my fate will probably not be affected regardless. If the pattern holds, I will be tortured and then killed because as far as I can tell, the ones holding us are members of some kind of sex/death cult.

When I was placed in the room, I became the ninth one inside. Soon afterward someone was taken out, and what followed was a prolonged series of piercing screams, hours of the most god-awful sounds you can imagine, and then an eerie silence. Dinner that evening, and every meal thereafter, consisted solely of meat, but it wasn’t like anything I’d ever tasted. What was this mystery meat? I was afraid to ask.

The eight of us soon became nine again when a crying, desperate naked woman was thrown inside. Apparently nine is their magic number, because after the number drops to eight a new victim is always added to the mix. The eight original people in the room with me are all gone, and I am almost certain to be next. The last one was taken several hours ago, and the end could come at any time.

What was that? I heard a sound outside the door. Is it them? Are they coming for me? Oh god please help me, the doorknob is rattling…

Fortunately that was all made up, just a little something to break the ice. I hope you liked it, even if it means you enjoyed reading about me finding myself in a horrible situation. I won’t take it personally. Do you like stories? I’ve got a doozy for you coming up after this.

Perhaps I should tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Bill Funny…I mean, William Wright. I’m a white guy in his 40’s who lives with his Filipino wife and teenage daughter in Antioch, Tennessee, a suburb of Nashville. Good times, like a beer commercial.

Today is Friday, the Fourth of July. It is early in the morning. My wife Susan and daughter Angelica are still asleep, and I’ve just enjoyed a few stiff ones. Y’all got dirty minds! By stiff ones, I mean alcoholic beverages. Fancy, our kitten, is sleeping on the chair next to me. We’ve had Fancy for a little over a month. She’s about three months old and a royal pain in the ass. We love her, though.

In a tank by the wall is our goldfish, Elmo. We don’t know whether Elmo is a girl or a boy, but we refer to it as a boy. Angelica came up with the name. I think she subconsciously remembered the Sesame Street character Elmo having a goldfish, which he called Goldfish (makes sense), and decided that our goldfish should be named after Goldfish’s namer. Our third pet is a gray bunny named Sparkles. We’ve had Sparkles for eight or nine years now. She’s not very sparkly, but I was drunk when I threw out the name and Angel liked it so there ya go. She’s a senior bunny, and we keep her relaxed by doing our best to keep her away from the little fireball we call Fancy.

I hadn’t planned on writing this morning, because my family and I had planned to go to a waterfall with some friends. It got cancelled, though, at the last minute. I’m actually kind of glad it got cancelled. One, it gave me the chance to write and two, we all had a big day last night. We went to a waterpark, ate at a nice restaurant and had a great time. Tonight we’re watching fireworks.

Tomorrow and Sunday we’ll be busy as well. This is a far cry from the way it was before, when I had a second job at CVS. I worked a lot of crazy hours, and as a result my family and I had pretty much no social life. It was important for me to pay off a student loan that had been nagging me for a long time, and last March I accomplished my goal – $70,000 paid off in five years. Now I’m down to one job, and it’s great. I work banker’s hours, which gives me time to do stuff like writing this.

Fancy’s wide awake now, running around and driving me nuts. I guess that’s my cue to sign off.

Forbidden Fruit:

The Story of Adam and Eve and Steve

Open your eyes.

In the wondrous Garden of Eden, a naked man on the ground sat up. He was a handsome man in his twenties. Who said that? he asked, looking around.

Unseen, God answered. I am God. I created you. Your name is Adam.

Where are you? Adam asked.

I choose not to be seen.

Adam asked God what he looked like, but God said that it wasn’t important. What was important, God said, was that you know I love you and always want what's best for you. Adam didn’t know what to make of this non-answer, but he decided to leave the subject of God’s appearance alone for now. God asked if Adam had any other questions. Ask me anything. 

Adam thought for a minute. He gazed out at the garden then asked if God created it too. Yes, I did, God answered. I made it for you. Do you like it? Indeed, Adam did. He loved it, in fact. How could anyone not love such a beautiful garden? This prompted another question: If God created him and his surroundings, who created God? God’s perplexing answer was that no one created him, that he had always existed. But how could that be? I know your understanding is limited, but trust me it's true. Anything else?

Thinking some more, Adam looked down, discovering his penis. He pointed to it. What's this thing do? Nevermind that, God replied. He tried to change the subject by asking Adam if he wanted some fruit, but Adam was undeterred. He grabbed his penis. I like it.

*

In a different area of the garden, Adam sat on a large stone and continued his conversation with God. Beside the stone was a lovely fruit tree, the Tree of Knowledge. In the tree slithered a large snake.

I live here with you, but I also live in a place called heaven, God said.

At the same time? Adam asked.

At the same time.

Adam didn’t understand how God could be two places at once, but God said he could do anything and was, in fact, everywhere at the same time except a place called hell that you don’t need to concern yourself about.

Adam asked if God had anyone in heaven that he was close to. I am with my son Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I am talking to them now, even as I am talking to you.

Why can't I hear them?

I prefer it that way.

Adam asked who God was closest to, and God answered simply that he was close to all of them, including Adam. Adam smiled. I'm glad we're close, he told God.

You are my most magnificent creation, a flesh and blood human being. I am proud of you, and I love you.

I love you too.

There followed an uneasy pause as God braced himself for the next topic. Adam, I want to talk to you about that tree you're sitting beside. Innocently Adam commented that it was beautiful. It’s also deadly, God said.

This was a new word to Adam. What’s deadly?

Pick up the mouse by your foot.

Adam looked down, saw a mouse and picked it up. It just laid there, unmoving, in his hand. He asked God why the mouse didn’t wake up, and God explained that the mouse was dead and that it would never live again. If you eat the fruit of that tree, you will die just like that mouse.

Disturbed, Adam slowly set the mouse back down. I don't understand. If the fruit is so bad for me, why did you create it?

God told Adam that this was his way of making sure Adam would obey him. To be worthy of me, you must obey me.

You're starting to scare me.

Just follow the rule and you'll have nothing to worry about, God said. Oh, and watch out for that serpent. He can talk, and he may try to get you to eat the fruit. Don't listen to him, whatever you do. Adam asked why the serpent wasn't talking now. He talks when he wants to talk, God said.

And you created him too? Adam asked.

Yes, I did. Now what's the rule about the fruit of that tree?

Don't eat it.

What happens if you do eat it?

Something bad will happen.

Such as?

...I'll die.

*

Adam lazily tossed some pebbles into a lake. He looked as if he was sitting alone, but of course he wasn't. God spoke up. You've been so quiet lately.

I guess I have.

Is everything all right? God asked.

Adam sighed. I don't know, God...I'm just trying to make sense of things. It was all very simple, God said – he created Adam and he loved Adam. I love you too, Adam replied, but I just don't understand you.

You understand everything you need to understand.

Adam said that since God could do anything he wanted, he could appear before Adam as another human being. It would mean so much to me, God, just being able to see who I'm talking to. Won't you at least consider it?

God wasn’t too keen on that idea, so he presented Adam with an alternative. What if I created a human for you instead?

You mean like a companion?

Yes, God answered, if that was what Adam wanted.

Adam loved the idea. Oh, yes. Thank you, God.

God’s response was tentative. Adam, I want you to know that I'll always love you, even if it doesn't always seem that way.

The notion that God’s love could ever be questioned was absurd to Adam. You're very good to me. Nothing will change my feelings for you.

I'll remember you said that...behold, Steve.

An explosive ball of smoke surprised Adam, and he sprung to his feet. When the smoke cleared, he saw before him another man – young, handsome and naked like Adam. The men gave each other the once over, and both were pleased. Adam tried to make the situation slightly less awkward by introducing himself. Hi Steve, I'm Adam.

Hi.

Adam searched for something else – anything else – to say. So...what's up?

Not much.

God helped the two men break the ice. Adam, perhaps you'd like to give Steve a tour of the garden.

Steve looked around. Who said that? Adam laughed and asked if Steve would like to go for a walk. Sure, Steve replied.

Adam could barely contain his joy as the two men started walking. He turned to Steve. I've got so much to tell you.

*

Adam and Steve continued to get to know each other, until one day their conversation went beyond friendship. They were lying on their stomachs, relaxing quietly when Adam turned to Steve. So now that you've had a look around, what do you like most?

I like you most, Steve replied. Flattered, Adam lowered his eyes and smiled.

It looks like you two are already good friends, God interjected.

An awkward pause followed, until Steve continued his discussion with Adam. He told Adam he was handsome. Am I? Adam asked furtively.

I wouldn't have made you any other way, God again interjected, creating another awkward silence finally broken by God. What?

Well…it's just that Adam and I don't have any time to ourselves. We're never alone, Steve said.

I thought you liked having me around.

We do like having you around, Steve replied, just not every minute of the day. God asked Adam if he felt the same way, and Adam said that it was nothing personal but yes, he did feel the same way.

God thought about it for a minute and then suggested a compromise. The best I can do is not say anything, so it can seem like you're alone.

The men nodded and shrugged. What other choice did they have? OK, fine. Whatever, Steve said.

Take as long as you need, God said.

The men turned their focus back on each other. What were you thinking the first time you saw me? Steve asked with bedroom eyes.

I thought that God had outdone himself, Adam answered. Adam and Steve shared a warm pause, and then Adam giggled. I also felt something in my penis.

Your what? Steve asked.

The thing between your legs.

Oh – yes, I felt something there too. It felt good, still does.

It's tingly.

God could no longer keep silent. All right, guys. Let's talk about something else. The comment was met with frustration as both men hung their heads. Yes, I know I said I'd be quiet, but I can't just sit by while you two talk about...well, what you were talking about.

Why not? Steve asked.

God laid down the law. You and Adam are friends, that's it. Anything else is wrong, and I'll have no part of it.

Steve was floored by this. He turned to Adam as if to say maybe you can talk some sense into him. Adam spoke up slowly, choosing his words carefully. God, I understand you have rules, and I know how much those rules mean to you. But isn't there any way you could just bend this one a little?

God tried to sound upbeat. I know the problem. It's the whole naked thing. How can I expect you to control your desires when you've got everything hanging out? Stand up, both of you. Adam and Steve stood. Try this on. A ball of smoke similar to the earlier one cleared to show Adam and Steve wearing Old Navy-style khaki outfits. God was quite impressed with his handiwork. Oh, I like that. It's much better, don't you agree?

Adam wasn’t quite so sure – Well, I mean, um... – until Steve gave his assessment, telling Adam it looked nice on him. Smiling, Adam returned the compliment.

But I still want to rip it off, Steve added with a soft, hungry growl. He mouthed Adam a kiss.

I already miss your penis, Adam moaned.

All right, I have another idea, God said. What if I gave you an acceptable way to indulge yourselves?

As long as it’s with Adam, Steve answered.

You haven't even seen her yet, God said.

Her?

Behold, Eve.

More smoke ushered in Eve, a stunning beauty standing naked before the men. Adam was impressed. Steve was not. God told Eve to say hello to the guys.

Hello.

Gentlemen, say hello to Eve.