How To Be A Fire Engine

By Adam D. Rice

So, you want to be a fire engine, but you're not sure how. Or, maybe, you're just curious what it takes. Either way, this is the book for you.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Pitmix Press
• Release date: Oct 27, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393334286

Book preview

How To Be A Fire Engine

Adam D. Rice

Copyright © 2020 Adam D. Rice

All rights reserved.

Any similarities to fire engines, running or up on blocks, are a coincidence.

While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the information contained herein.

Dedication

Thank you, firefighters—heroes, one and all.

Contents

Preface

What Exactly Is A Fire Engine, Anyway?

Before You Start Sweating

The Training

Finding Work

The Job

Well Done, Fire Engine

Appendix – Glossary Of Firefighting Terms

Acknowledgements

About The Author

Preface

So, you want to be a fire engine, or you care about someone who does? Perhaps you’re just curious what it takes to become a fire engine, and you’re not quite ready to commit to the process. Regardless, thank you for picking up this book. I’ve packed in as much practical advice as possible while keeping things punchy.

I’m not much of a hype guy, but let’s see if I can fake it for a bit. Deep breaths. Relax. Let it just... are you ready to embark on the biggest adventure of your life? Are you ready to scale the mountain of success, climbing until your hands are blistered, and you’re so successful you can hardly breathe? Are you ready to be low on oxygen, but high on life? Well, what are you waiting for? Embark! Train! Win!

~ Adam D. Rice, 2020

An Entire Book About This? Really?

Before we get down to brass tacks and hubcaps, I have a couple of things to shove off my chest and onto yours. The time has come to address the elephant in the room. The most common question I receive about this book is as follows: Homo sapiens becoming fire engines? Seriously? It’s not possible! Some of you thought it. Don’t act like you didn’t. You just picked up this book, because your curiosity got the better of you. Well, you caught me! Most people will never wake up one morning, watch a fire engine tear up the street, and think, That’s my life’s purpose. Not driving a fire engine. Not cleaning a fire engine. Not building or designing a fire engine—none of the above. This book is dedicated to helping the handful of men and women who feel something stirring when a fire engine flies by, siren blaring. The ones who, in that moment, whisper, "That will bring me fulfillment." The rest of this book is addressed to you, wannabe fire engines. You’re among friends now. Welcome home.

Sure, your loved ones are going to wonder why your Christmas list is filled with industrial horns, whistles, strobe lights, hoses, and axes. They might even call the police or threaten legal action to get you to give up on your dream of fire engine fame. Everything comes at a cost—especially something as counter-cultural as pursuing a career as heavy machinery. Before we dig into the details of how you can begin weaving fire engine principles and practices into your daily routines, I’ll pause to give you an opportunity to put down this book and go on living life as though you’d never purchased this helpful guide. It may be short, but that doesn’t make the task easy.

What Exactly Is A Fire Engine, Anyway?

Dictionaries typically define the term fire engine as a conveyance for firefighters and their equipment. Technically speaking, the term fire engine and its cousins fire truck and fire appliance are interchangeable, and I suppose I can’t force you to use my preference, even though mine doesn’t sound like a pick-up plastered with flame decals, tailgating at a country music festival. Or a faulty washing machine.

Boring Historical Context

Back in ancient times, if something (or someone) caught fire, nothing could be done about it. I suppose, if someone had a bucket or jar of water handy, they could’ve generated some steam by tossing it toward the fire, but then, they would’ve had to walk all the way to the nearest well and back again, and that would’ve been a lot of work. So, long story short, everything just burned to the ground. Sure, some people tinkered with hand pumps. None of them appear to have caught on, because, if you haven’t noticed, most ancient structures are ruins.

It didn’t take too long—but, yet, longer than you might’ve suspected—for one of antiquity’s great thinkers and serial experimenters to do something about the fact that everything kept burning down all the time. The person I’m referencing was named Ctesibius of Alexandria. This one-time barber is often credited with inventing a force-pump (a.k.a., piston pump) capable of squirting water at fires. I’m not going to get down in the weeds—too many ants—to debate who was the first to invent which type of pump. Suffice it to say, Ctesibius of Alexandria invented one of the earliest known pumps, and its intention was to direct a stream of water at something. You might have noticed I used the verb squirt earlier. I was attempting to help you visualize the pathetic output of Ctesibius’ pump when fighting Ptolemaic-era fires in Egypt. In a stroke of irony, Ctesibius is believed by some to have been associated with the Alexandrian Museum which included the fabled Library of Alexandria. As you may have heard, the library was destroyed by a devastating fire a little less than two hundred years after Ctesibius’ death, an event that still brings tears to the eyes of sauced historians. I’ll say it again. This early pump was not a success.

Not to be outdone by Ctesibius’ documented shortcomings, another ancient inventor, Hero of Alexandria (also known as Heron) designed a version of