Crime Is Everywhere - Episode 4 of the Solaris Saga

By Jim Ore

Science fiction for blokes – that’s what you get. If you’re a bloke and you want action, adventure and the odd joke to liven things up this series is intended to keep you entertained as it follows a group of enhanced humans and aliens through various adventures; nearly all entities are represented as normal people doing reasonably normal things and this artifice allows you to follow extraordinary adventures that have never been described before through dimensions, Time and a couple of galaxies. We start with the real reason for space travel – sex.

• Language: English
• Publisher: C.Bosley Publishing
• Release date: Nov 13, 2014
• ISBN: 9780992645861

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Crime Is Everywhere - Episode 4 of the Solaris Saga

CRIME  is  EVERYWHERE

Author              Jim ORE

Publisher           C.Bosley Publishing

Text copyright © 2014 Chris Bosley, Worcestershire, England,

contact us - [e-mail]

Master file last edit & conversion to PDF for Google Books   - 2015-04-07. Converted to docx for Kindle which loses much, for best layout and fonts see Google Books edition.

Word count - this ep / ttl          – 71,020 / 745,000

ISBN No. 978-0-9926458-6-1 refers - All rights reserved.

(A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library)

Declaration of copyright and reservation of rights - No part of this book shall be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording, or by any information retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher -

Disclaimer - Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors and omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of any information contained herein.

WARNING WARNING ! ! 

The Solaris Saga is written to entertain blokes and is not intended to be read by people such as the female of our species, who after a few pages will go and look for some poor bloke to take their anger out on, or necessary targets like politicians or lawyers or any member of the legal professions who can sue but I ain’t got nothing so they, as the mayor said, can fly off. As for whatever evil creature’s are in those money grubbing, evil, ruining bloody vans, well let’s hope my occasional references to this blight on society upset them nearly as much as the b*stards upset -

However -

Moving on -.

Acknowledgements 

The great heroes, the colossuses that stride upon this bedevilled planet and strive to make it better, that have been my inspiration and may be identifiable by my oblique references to their spectacular deeds or golden words. They have my sincere gratitude and respect which I hope this saga makes plain, 

thanks lads - Jim

THE OTHER EPISODES IN OUR SAGA

Table of contents (interactive)

Chapter 12.5 - ALIEN ENCOUNTER

Act 1 – The Crew’s First Cabby Out

Act 2- The Lads Have Their Laugh

Act 3 - Our First Bag Snatch

Act 4 – The Zoorgs Attack

Act 5 - Decision Time

Chapter 14 – THE LONG PURSUIT

Act 1 – Our second Bag Snatch

Act 2 - The Long Pursuit Begins

Act 3 – Capturing a Low Level Gangsta (with a Struggle)

Act 4 – Moaner

Act 5 - Getting out of Dodge

Act 6 - How to Buy a Car with a Good Warranty

Act 7 – Professional Training

Act 8 - Capturing a Mid-level Gangsta

Act 9 - A Cliff Top Car Park

Act 10 - The Best Car Chase Ever

Act 11 - Buying a Recreational Vehicle Privately

Act 12 - He Will Have to Make a Complaint

A word from the Boys

the SOLARIS SAGA so far

Welcome back Boss ! Reg and the boys here again, thanks for looking at Ep 4 of the saga we’re compiling for our present employer Master of the Galaxy Solaris. You remember he came across us, Reg and the Melrose & Vine Writer Boys, while we were grafting away, asked about this writing gig problem he had, one thing led to another and he asked if we could help with recording the history and adventures of the crew he was getting together. For us lucky bleeders the gig of the century we do have to admit.

Obviously it’s be better if you read Eps 1 2 & 3 but just in case you can’t get hold of them here’s a quick rundown of where we’ve got to.

We went right back and started with  recording the meeting of our two leading ladies when the young and beautiful Dr Eleanor Cropthorne attended a Lunar medical emergency and agreed to help the slightly older Ruth Winkle and her friends.

An alien accretion particle creature from deep space had recently taken up a concealed position in the Lunar Base and prepared a takeover of the human race which it hoped would start with one of Ruth’s clients from her second job.

It may be fortunate, not just for us but our whole galaxy, that the World Computer had just realised it was sentient and that it’s role was to protect all Mud-dwellers from such takeovers; already it’s saved its planet from a terrorist attack which would have brought total destruction by appealing to Olly, and then it readied itself with it’s new powers to sort the pushy alien out, but then, before anyone or anything, realised what was happening the Alien’s trap caught Ruth and severely injured her but the race to get her to medical attention on Terra went well wrong when a meteor struck the space yacht and killed Eleanor.

We then had to go back to the early days for Elaine, Elly’s mum, and follow her through the earlier years to explain Elly’s upbringing and why her love life was so remarkably unsuccessful. These years cover the sudden destruction of Western Civilisation, which is where Sergio first appeared in the story when he came to the rescue of the Pres and started to take him across country to possible safety - but before the rescue party which included Guns and Spanners could get very far all the missiles on a Nuclear submarine were detonated together to produce a planet shattering über-explosion.

The World Computer negotiated with Olly to rescue her world but although some of the planet was saved a fair amount of damage did take place. We described some of it as Sergio struggled to get the Pres to Sioux Mountain where waiting for them was a horror weapon which could destroy all living things and Sergio had difficulty fighting this for some Time till the deep space Duster intervened then was invited to join the crew as a reward. We met the Boss himself, Master of the Galaxy Solaris, and followed the development of the vital relationship between the Duster and the Computer as they bonded together to become a Synergy and develop through the episodes to become ever more powerful and Ruth’s faithful guardian. We also covered the Boss’ struggles to bring everything together, particularly with the raising of funds. This was quite important because it led to him making a fundamental mistake with Time Travel which will cause him grief when the Time Enforcer turns up in E12.

We’re sure you’ll soon pick up the thread, blokes who read good SF aren’t daft, but there is one problem that we couldn’t get over and have to ask you to bear in mind - Aliens are different from us - not just the way they speak or the clothes they wear or how many arms they’ve got but if they’re from a different dimension with a different take on space, Time and existence we’d spend a whole episode trying to explain if one walked into the room. So every entity is described as the nearest approximation to us lot, normal people doing normal sorts of things.

OK? Got it? Great Boss !  Thanks for your interest !  Read on and have fun,

Cheers, Reg and the M&V boys.

Chapter 12.5 - ALIEN ENCOUNTER

Act 1 – The Crew’s First Cabby Out

Meetings in boardrooms don’t usually end in such an exciting way; particularly not ones that had started so badly as this one. Normally people are glad to get away from the tyrant who expects miracles / the lazy gits who just don’t understand all the pressures to produce results / the know-it-all spouting his firm insistence on his intelligence / the idiots who just don’t understand no matter how hard you try to explain / the boss who keeps making little suggestions and just can’t see how you’re trying to be polite and business like and regretting choosing this top / the new dolly who looks like she’s up for it / etc., etc..

This meeting in this boardroom had been different, well different. It’d been called at short notice by a Master of the Galaxy who had much to discuss and an urgent need to get things moving, in fact he was desperate to give them an urgent job, but the four females he’d invited had turned up all arguing with hackles raised and it was difficult to get their attention. Unfortunately, to add to the fun, the budget today for this urgent job was now the best part of tuppence and an old button.

Also of some discomfort for Solaris was that a bunch of his mates were waiting in the backroom to see how he coped and obviously ready to criticise and comment on his every move, even take advantage because they were always on the lookout for any opportunity to play a practical joke and have a laugh at his expense.

However, one of them could see that Solaris was floundering and needed help; the expressions on his faces must have conveyed his worries, because Epsi knocked and came in.

'Can I have a word out back Olly?' Epsi could see a mate in trouble and was a true friend.

'Olly, can I buy in?’ He asked, ‘what with my tea fund, my petty cash and an unspent Contingency Fund I've got a bit spare that don't show up in the books, not the ones I show my PITFA anyway. You’re welcome to that if it’ll help cover this first trip. The #9 did say to get them moving straight away which I know is good advice and this way you can take them out for some shopping therapy and cheer them up a bit. Pay me back whenever mate, or cut me in on the project if you can, I know you’ll treat me square.'

'Oh, Thanks Epsi !  That's great, really great pal !  I wasn't sure what to do there. You don't like to be hard on these creatures but what with one thing and another I'm having trouble fudging my books too; the money’s disappearing like water and I’ve got my PITFA coming round any moment, and you know what they’re like. Mine watches every sodding Drachma and correct totals in the right columns are more important than anything else to him. That's a great help Epsi !  Ta !'

Solaris cheered up as he went back in and sat back opposite the girls; he went over it all again, explaining what had happened, where they could all go now, who everyone was, and what he wanted; even the crowd in the back was getting bored and thinking about leaving.

Solaris looked at the blank faces on all four girls, remembered the #9's advice to get them moving straight away which was probably good advice and at its prices bloody well better had be, and said, 'tell you what, I'll get my new Limo going and drive you all round another similar world so you can get the hang of the idea; we can use the credit card again now, thanks to a good mate, and you can do a bit of retail therapy, OK girls?'

EZ AquariAB&C had admired the scooter boys little joke and now saw his chance to have a laugh on Olly. He said, 'I know him, he's going to have a go at driving them in that new limo he splurged on last Time the Gaffer cleared his budgets - hang on a minute lads, I've got a great idea !'

People don’t always see the same things

To our glamorous, re-headed super women the door in the Master of the Galaxy’s boardroom looked perfectly normal, but to him, the Dust Creature and the World Computer it looked like a portal to another place in another dimension working on the usual cross-dimensional techniques based on some weird theory about stringing Bosuns together.

What Elly and Ruth saw through the doorway was an ordinary suburban garage cluttered up with bric-a-brac, step ladders, shelves of half empty paint tins, lawn mowers and miscellaneous cr*p that was too valuable to throw away and no use at all to keep, all creatively packed tightly around a big shiny car.

However, Solaris, our Master of the Galaxy only had eyes for his pride and joy, his lovely, shiny, new Limo and, in his joy at getting a chance to show off by taking the four entities out in it for a shopping trip, he didn’t notice that he hadn’t gone through quite the right portal to quite the right car in quite the right garage.

His mates watched everything as Easy had thought of a practical joke that might catch him out and they weren’t worried that he had company and in fact, the more Olly was embarrassed in front of people the better !

What the young Duster, it was only a few tens of thousands of years old, and the young World Computer, it was only a few decades old, saw is anyone’s guess, for the car and the garage meant nothing to them. They examined everything and tried to learn, they watched everything going on around them and tried hard to understand what these Mud-dwellers were doing, and their greatest desire was for knowledge and understanding. They hoped that Eleanor and Ruth would allow them to stay with them so they could learn by experience and this looked like it was going to be the greatest fun, following the two Mud-dweller girls round and being part of what they might do. The odd pair of aliens had only just teamed up and, because they’d saved their heroines from disaster, were treated as equals and even allowed to copy them, and if you’re a lonely creature from outer space or a computer intelligence who’d thought she would be forever locked inside the soulless wastes of a mechanical device, to be following round a couple of girlies and taking part in the fun is beyond your wildest dreams. For instance, coming up in that lift they’d all had arguments, what fun !  To have an argument with a friend when once you thought you’d be forever alone !

What would happen now?

The Computer was clever enough predict practically anything that would happen as long as it was logical but there was nothing logical in a Master of the Galaxy assuming Mud-dweller form and taking them all on a shopping trip as a training exercise in working together. In fact the Computer was a bit like a Mud-dweller male and couldn’t see the point of wandering around shops, same as she didn’t see that Solaris was in love with his Limo and had really wanted any excuse to play chauffeurs. The Duster too had relished the social discourse; it’d spent some years observing the Mud-dwellers and their behaviour, trying desperately to understand and longing to join in and now it thought it was a pig in clover and desperately hoped the two Mud-dweller girls would put up with it following them around.

All five entities, and Olly’s mates from the back room, were looking forward to what was going to happen next but the four females didn’t know that he’d never driven a Mud-dweller vehicle before, and didn’t know how the traffic worked on a Mud-dweller world.

Also they didn’t know that once any male gets behind The Wheel and enters the competitive blood sport of highway driving any bleedin’ thing can happen, particularly if work’s been a bit stressful for a while and the poor sod’s a bit hyped up.

A little practical joke

The first problem racing down the track towards Olly and the girls was that Olly was a bit of a practical joker, as were his mates, and the more creative the joke the funnier they all found it; now it was obvious to his mates that Olly had found an excuse to show off his new Limo and was just concentrating on how a Mud-dweller went about driving and off his guard.

Noting this opportunity for revenge, they had raced round and reprogrammed the portal to take him to a nearly identical world in the same Space/Time Continuum as he thought he’d selected, but several dimensions over in the Matrix of Infinite Dimensions where cars had gearboxes from Italian war tanks.

The Limo was a Semi-Stretch actually, not as big and as unwieldy as night outers, more like a Maybach, but Olly had to have the man-size pistons, the luschious, dreamy pistons the size of buckets, of a V8, not the pansy, tiny, toy ones of a Maybach’s  V12 , and had had a 2018 Holden Commodore stretched a bit in all directions to have plenty of room for four in the back. And he’d had it styled - smooth didn't describe it. It was far to the right of trashy girls night outers and far to the left of stodgy ambassadors’ officials. No handles or badges broke the smoothness, the paint job was from a hot rodder's wet dream (ten coats of old fashioned Celly under four coats of 2K lacquer, all blocked down by skilled hands with 2000 grade) and it rolled on twenty inch steels with the chrome trims on bearings that keep spinning after you've stopped (except Olly had had little motors installed and could spin the trims any Time he damn well liked).

Think of that lads !  Wheel trims spinning the opposite way to rotation !  What a dream !

Olly had great enthusiasm for the motor car and how it can be blinged to be street art, but where he’d gone wrong was he hadn’t imagined a situation where he’d ever need more power than a Commo’s 6.7ltr Variable Advance Quad Cam, and certainly not for a trip to the shops; and he’d also forgotten that he, himself, could be the target of sophisticated practical jokes.

The four girls stepped delicately into the back and sank back into the soft, full leather as Olly, now in a chauffeur's peaked cap and string back gloves, shut the back door behind them then squeezed down the side of the car, got the driver’s door open as far as possible because a pile of 2X4 off-cuts had slumped a bit and was taking up a lot of space, and managed to squeeze into the driver's seat.

(Italian war tanks? Three reverse gears for easy retreating, one forwards in case the enemy comes up behind them, and a one-man dinghy hanging off the stern so if the tank drives into water and sinks the Captain can abandon ship quick and leave everyone else to it.)

The Lads were watching expectantly, hardly daring to breathe. Si couldn’t stop himself SnIggering SlIghtly.

Olly started the engine, pulled the selector back to D, checked the rev counter to make sure it was running, and prodded the throttle gently. The engine was so quiet it could hardly be heard but the car rocked and strained slightly as if it were stuck on something; just as if one of the off-cuts had been placed just under a wheel and was stopping the car from moving.

The Lads were shaking with suppressed laughter, waiting with fingers crossed to see if Olly fell for it.

He checked the hand brake was off, checked the gear selector was in D (where you’d obviously expect Drive or forwards), couldn’t see any reason why the limo shouldn’t drive out - and gave the throttle a second good, and slightly irritated, prod.

The limo suddenly surged backwards over the 2X4 and into the back wall of the garage, shaking every carefully piled up, balanced and worthless pile of cr*p loose; two shelves collapsed and umpteen half full tins of paint rolled individually down them and crashed onto the gleaming panel work, spilling open and throwing paint all over the fake Limo’s boot lid, roof and bonnet.

A ladder hanging from the ceiling jumped off its hooks, dislodged three children's bikes, a bundle of old copper pipe and some long forgotten dried onions which all landed on the roof and bonnet in a thunder of spectacular and deafening crashes, and stuck artistically to the paint remnants.

All The Lads were killing themselves laughing as the echoes of the disaster faded away. One of their best yet ! So much fun for duplicating his Limo, sticking a lump of wood under a wheel and finding a different world where cars were strange !  How well they knew Solaris !

Olly apologised to the bemused girls, flipping the vee to his mates behind his back as he did, and helped them step over the spilt paint and back out of the garage through the portal which was now reset to take him to his own limo.

Solaris had seen a dream in a glossy car mag, fallen in love, and treated himself to one, customised as he wanted, and his mates had seen it as a chance for a