Android Hell

By Jim Ore

Science fiction for blokes – that’s what you get. If you’re a bloke and you want action, adventure and the odd joke to liven things up this series is intended to keep you entertained as it follows a group of enhanced humans and aliens through various adventures; nearly all entities are represented as normal people doing reasonably normal things and this artifice allows you to follow extraordinary adventures that have never been described before through dimensions, Time and a couple of galaxies. We start with the real reason for space travel – sex.

• Language: English
• Publisher: C.Bosley Publishing
• Release date: Nov 13, 2014
• ISBN: 9780993086311

Book preview

Android Hell

ANDROID HELL

AUTHOR     Jim ORE

Publisher           C.Bosley Publishing

Text copyright © 2014 Chris Bosley, Worcestershire, England,

Contact us- [e-mail]

Created in Google Docs and converted to Docx format for Kindle 2015-04-12. Sorry, much intended layout and fonts  lost - for best version see Google Book Store edition.

Word count this episode / TTL- 53,830 / 745,000

ISBN No. 978-0-9930863-1-1 refers - All rights reserved.

(A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library)

Declaration of copyright and reservation of rights  No part of this book shall be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical including photocopying, recording, or by any information retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher -

Disclaimer - Although every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this book, the publisher and author assume no responsibility for errors and omissions. Neither is any liability assumed for damages resulting from the use of any information contained herein.

WARNING WARNING ! !  The Solaris Saga is written to entertain blokes and is not intended to be read by people such as the female of our species, who after a few pages will go and look for some poor bloke to take their anger out on, or necessary targets like politicians or lawyers or any member of the legal professions who can sue but I ain’t got nothing so they, as the mayor said, can fly off. As for whatever evil creature’s are in those money grubbing, evil, ruining bloody vans, well let’s hope my occasional references to this blight on society upset them nearly as much as the b*stards upset -

However -

Moving on -.

Acknowledgements       The great heroes, the colossuses that stride upon this bedevilled planet and strive to make it better, that have been my inspiration and may be identifiable by my oblique references to their spectacular deeds or golden words. They have my sincere gratitude and respect which I hope this saga makes plain, 

thanks lads - Jim

ALSO IN THIS SERIES

Table of contents

the SOLARIS SAGA so far

Chapter 32 - LET THE CELEBRATIONS BEGIN

Act 1 – The Saucy Tale of Mrs SlutBennett

Act 2 – The Queen - God Bless Her

Chapter 33 – LIFE CHANGES FOR SEVERAL PEOPLE

Act 1 - Three School Girls

Act 2 – Am I Dead or What?

Act 3 - Vital to the Start of Any Mission

Act 4 – We’re Going Racing

Act 5 - The Race

Act 6 - Reverse Racing

Act 7 – Sunday Tea with the In-Laws

Act 8 – The Relief to Know That You’re Alive

Chapter 34 - NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE

Act 1 – The New Beginning

Act 2 Queen Isabella of the Dark Galaxy & the Board Meeting

Chapt 35 – LIFE’S TOUGH, SOMETIMES YOU’RE UP

Act 1 – Do I Really Look Like That?

Act 2 – Did I Really Say That?

Act 3 – Did I Really Ought to Have Done That?

Act 4 - Want to See a Video?

Act 5 – A TRIP TO DAMNATION

Act 6 – A Trip to the Planet of the Film Producers

Chapter 36 - DAY EIGHT - GETTING ORGANISED

Act 1 – Our Second Board Meeting

Act 2 - The Joy of Suicide Doors

Act 3 – Fête Vous Jeux

Act 4 - Powered Hoods

A Message from the Writers

the SOLARIS SAGA so far

Welcome back Boss ! Reg and the Boys here again, thanks for looking at Ep 9 of the saga we’re compiling for our present employer Master of the Galaxy Solaris. You remember he hired us, Reg and the Melrose & Vine Writer Boys, to compile the records and history of his Crew that go round rescuing worlds and things?

Obviously it’d be better if you read the previous eight Eps but just in case you can’t get hold of them here’s a quick rundown of where we’ve got to so far.

The Boss has built up a Crew around his Grandsons to go round rescuing planets, mainly by stopping them blowing themselves up, and fortunately the Crew were on hand when the Dark Galaxy expedition turned up and is needed to help them find some way of stopping a collision between their galaxy and ours.

There are four females who form the nucleus of the squad; two are enhanced Mud-dwellers, Eleanor Cropthorne, a talented doctor and research biologist in her early twenties and Ruth Winkle, similarly tall and red headed, in her not so early twenties at all. There is a world computer become sentient who models herself on Elly and, as calling her Eleanor Two was a bit of a handful, she has come to be called Rusty, and an alien accretion particle creature from the outer void who assembles herself from space dust has been named Dusty.

Rust&Dust have bonded to form a Synergy, an entity of super powers existing across several dimensions and to their great joy the expedition from the Dark Galaxy brought a male Synergy which has bonded to Rust&Dust to make them far more powerful and capable; for some reason they all worship Ruth and will do anything for her.

On a more mundane level Captain Sergio Leaf, an uber-competent warrior, worships Ruth as well.

His brother, Lieutenant Barry Brain, does not have a girlfriend. Barry is keen to make films and in the first rush of enthusiasm negotiated informally with every likely possible starlet who was interested in getting a leading part and is now in rather a difficult position.

The expedition’s Star cruiser was offered to the crew with huge benefits but one awful draw-back which has brought matters juddering to a halt - the Queen of the Dark Galaxy was brought in stasis and when she was revived she turned out to be the most obnoxious, difficult, teenage girl you’ve ever meet and gave the Crew some real problems, and just as Olly thought he was pulling things together when his first live, genuine, paying customer turned up the nasty criminal the Queen had taken up with staged an embarrassing takeover attempt. In the end the Crew had to go off and do the Customer’s job and leave sorting her out till later.

The first paying job of planetary rescue wasn’t as easy as the Crew thought it was going to be as they found that the customer didn’t know the extent of his problem, the cure was difficult and Time/resource consuming so the bill was a bit steep at the end, but the Crew’s new Sales Advisor negotiated very successfully to everyone’s satisfaction.

We went into motor racing in some detail, and a potential new Crew member was snatched from the teeth of an Atomic explosion with his only chance for survival from the radioactive damage appearing to be if he can be turned into an Android. We continue with the Crew returning in triumph to home base and ready to sort Queenie out, do what they can for Andy the Android, get on with the next job etc..

We’re sure you’ll soon pick up the thread, blokes who read good SF aren’t daft, but there is one problem with recording it all that we couldn’t get over and have to ask you to bear in mind - Aliens are different from us! Some much more different than you think - not just the way they speak or the clothes they wear or how many arms they’ve got but if they’re from a different dimension with a different take on Space, Time and Existence we’d spend a whole episode trying to explain if one just walked into the room. So every entity is described as the nearest approximation to us lot, normal Mud-dwellers doing normal sorts of things.

OK? Got it? Great Boss !  Thanks for your interest !  Read on and have fun,

Cheers, Reg and the M&V Boys.

Chapter 32 - LET THE CELEBRATIONS BEGIN

Act 1 – The Saucy Tale of Mrs SlutBennett

(and the tongue stud)

About 16:00 Thursday afternoon things really began to look up; the acceleration cut down to just 1G and the floor gravity came up to meet it, light flooded in through every porthole and the inside of one the THE_BAstard_Thing’s subsidiary docks could suddenly be recognised around them. They had come within range of the main transporter system of Solaris’ office after completing about two thirds of the distance on their own Tritium power and Olly had been waiting, reeled them in and plonked them down on the dock. Now he was banging on the door, grinning like a madman to welcome them back.

‘Bloody good show lads.’ He shouted up the steps. ‘What happened? What little miracle did you accomplish? A fortune’s come in to my office account - from Boston !  PITFA disbursed most of it straight back out into the office accounts in less than the allowed sixty seconds to avoid paying interest back to me on it, but he almost smiled when he brought round the dockets to say thank you. He did dock you two days unpaid holiday pay for the Monday and Tuesday when he should have paid you for them and double-time for working Saturday and Sunday but I insisted yesterday and today were travelling days so you’ll get paid for them, and we’ll keep arguing about the money for the days he’s got wrong till he gives in. I’ll make him pay you, don’t you worry. But that’s the only bad news. Oh! Hello. You must be Andy.’

Guns and Spanners were helping the tin man down the steps. Andy was encased in a thin flexible film of a metallic compound that not only kept his radioactivity inside so that he was no danger to the Synergies, but absorbed it and he was rapidly becoming less radioactive; his health however was failing rapidly, which was only to be expected.

Olly shook his hand gently. ‘Bloody grateful to you mate. Bloody grateful. Looks to me from the initial reports that you saved my Grandsons; here’s some transport for you, hope you like it. Do you know, these bloody things look better and better the older I get.’

A really flash invalid buggy that nearly made being ill a pleasure trundled out of a corridor.

‘Here we are, try this for size. The application’s in for your little rebuild and I’m trying to get all the permissions for you to have a few improvements so you can keep up with the crew. OK Chap? Is that what you want?’

Andy nodded, his mouth was dry and he found it hard to speak, and he wasn’t sure if his face could be seen through the mask, but it looked as if the Boss was taking him on and, despite the pain and discomfort, he was suddenly very happy.

‘We’ll need to ask some questions to get you registered - hello girls!’

Ruth jumped down, hugged Olly and kissed him on the cheek, Sammy and Priyah jumped down kissed him on the cheek as well, and Dusty got down and stood there.

‘Nice to see you Olly, glad you’re pleased, can’t stop, got a Queen to do. Hurry up with those bags, love !’ Ruth said, hardly glancing back up at the doorway.

Sergio handed all the ladies’ cases down carefully and politely, as Guns behind him glanced a significant glance at Spanners who imperceptibly pushed a thumb down.

‘How long do you think it will take love?’ Sergio asked his woman carefully and politely.

‘Can’t guess love, how long’s a piece of string. Could be tomorrow, could take the weekend. Go round to the house and give it a good airing in case we get the chance to spend a night there.’ Ruth ordered as she dashed off.

‘My mates are coming round the Rovers about 20:00 this evening to have a little celebration of your successful first retail job. Is that OK with you?’ Olly asked the blokes. ‘I thought we’d celebrate such a successful job and having a real, live, genuine racing driver amongst us. But here’s the thing you won’t know yet! Boston IV added a twenty per cent gratuity to what he paid and marked it – ‘staff only’ – so PITFA had to release that after he got an automatic authorisation from Accounting. I put you in the books Andy, and started an account for you mate, is that alright? And it’ll be in all your accounts tomorrow morning. I divided it equally with each person is that alright with you all? Seemed only fair.’

Master of the Galaxy Solaris left, walking alongside Andy’s buggy and the others shook hands all round smiling widely before racing off; Spanners and Guns to greet Dottie and Nichelle, tell them all about their adventure and catch up on some how’s yer father ; Sergio to air the house and mow the paddock in peace and quiet; Barry to discuss his epic second or third movie with Bill and Spot and create a few storyboards after they looked at a few previous attempts at piss-artist tiny Spaceships in old movies, while ‘King of the Track’ Boris got help from a few interested Spots, hanging about in case there was any chance of a job, to unload his Porchah and put itah awayah for the nightah.

Thus began the lead up to another memorable evening in the Rovers Retreat.

Sergio had returned there as there wasn’t anything more to do at the house, he’d been round the paddock twice, and was working on a small pale ale and an excellent burger and chips, when his Granddad bounced in with the boisterous Star crowd. Olly handed round half litres of extra strong lager to everybody and replaced Sergio’s pale ale with a decent drink.

Spanners and Guns made it back just after but had to sit in a corner and have a little rest.

The Rovers Retreat was how a bloke would describe Heaven on earth or rather Heaven on an intergalactic starcruiser. Big screen plasmas showed the track days, the racing and Mrs SlutBennett walking up and down the pit lane and bending over. Scratchings came with every named tankard, the snacks or meals were excellent and the toilets shiny, clean and upmarket; the hubbub was rising when Olly raised his voice and asked, ‘where’s our tame racing driver? Any bugger know?’

Bartend Spot, a font of all knowledge and the most comforting of shoulders to cry on, said that Boris was putting his car away but he’d be while.

This was because this was the first Time our Boris had put the Porcha away safely for the night and as he was deeply in love with it this was not as quick a process as you might think. Everything on the Porsche 911 had been reassembled after the space flight and checked and double checked. Then a car cover in chamois leather had been tailored by Hymy Spot to be a perfect fit to the monster’s generous curves and just as it was going to be gently pulled over Boris had decided that the object of his lust needed a nice thick coat of best wax to help it slide easily into place. He was making good progress, had done most of the exterior, the door shuts, the undersides of the engine lid and boot lid, under the cills, all the places he could get to around the engine and quite a lot of the engine itself, inside the wheel arches as far as he could reach, right behind the bumpers and was just removing the dust caps from the tyre valves to