Hate, Popularity, And Other Things That Happen At Midnight

By J Svogar

Hate, Popularity, and Other Things That Happen At Midnight is a collection of essays that delve into the author's personal struggle with PTSD, grief, and living with mental illness. 

• Language: English
• Publisher: J Svogar
• Release date: Aug 30, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393708995

J Svogar

I am J. Svogar, a writer of whatever genre I can get my hands on. I write erotica, romance, fantasy, supernatural stories, creepypasta, horror, fan fiction... You name it, I've probably tried my hand at it at some point or another.I'm currently working on my third novel, a series of essays and poetry about living with mental illness, and a collection of short horror stories. I have two published novels, "Mara's Journey" and "Dialos: Eternal Love"; they can be found on Amazon.I live in Nevada currently, where I enjoy watching the Burners return from Burning Man and hoping for more snow this year (whichever year it happens to be).

Book preview

These essays are dedicated to many people, some of whom are no longer with us.

To my Mama, who has seen me through everything in my life and still stands by my side.

To my best friend - he has helped me through so much in the past 20 years, and I couldn’t

get through this life without him.

To my husband. I can’t imagine where I would be without him - he is my world.

To my brothers, who lived through our father’s mental illness in ways I cannot imagine.

Desiderata states that You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, and author Max Ehrmann was not wrong. We all have within us the light of the universe; we are made of stardust. That’s not just New Age mumbo-jumbo, it’s science. We are created by the same material, on a molecular level, as the stars and planets, and everything therein.

Some theorize that matter cannot be destroyed or created, only changed. From the moment the universe was created, all matter existed in some form or another, even on a subatomic level. Therefore, to many of us, the idea of a soul simply ceasing to exist seems silly. It is part of our existence, part of who we are as individuals, and many people believe that the soul will continue to exist in another form, throughout the universe, just as it has since the dawn of time.

But what about our time here on earth, during this life cycle? How do we best use that time, with the cards we have been dealt? Well, dear readers, in this volume I hope to give you some insight into how to answer that question. I don’t pretend to know how to live your life, I can only tell you how I chose to live mine, but I hope it will be of some help to someone out there.

In the following essays, you will find discussions about mental illness, sexual abuse, abandonment, and other distasteful things that have shaped my life. Some may be triggering to those of you who have lived through trauma of your own. To you, I offer this trick I learned a while back and it has helped me immensely.

When you’re in a crisis moment, when your lungs tighten up on you and you can’t breathe and your heart is racing and your palms sweat and your legs go weak, put the book down. Take a deep breath for a count of four (average) heartbeats. Hold it for a count of eight, and then slowly breathe it out for a count of seven. 4, 8, 7. Do this two or three times, and you should feel your heart rate start to slow, and the anxiety of the crisis start to subside.

If that doesn’t do it for you, try to find five things around you that you can see, four things around you that you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste. Register each one individually with your brain. This is known as a grounding technique and is used by therapists and counselors to help bring your mind back to the present. You’re not reliving your trauma, you’re sitting down reading a book. You’re safe.

That’s the most important thing to remember when reading these books. You are safe. Nothing in them can hurt you, just like nothing in them can hurt me anymore. We are free, we are safe. Perhaps you aren’t free of your own monsters yet, and that’s okay too. We will get you there.

I love you. Take my hand, and let’s proceed. We can do this, together. And we will. Together. If I wrote the damn thing, you can read it! Haha! We’ll get through this.

Chapter One

You know that scary feeling you get when you’re on the verge of doing something big, and then you realize that you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing and you probably shouldn’t do the big thing? That’s me, starting this book. I write fiction. I write fantasy novels about elves in the woods, and romance novels about lovers finally finding each other. I don’t write about my life, and I certainly don’t try to help people. I’m no good at that , I tell myself on many occasions as I sit here, staring at the blinking cursor. Then, somehow, I manage to pull up memories through my fibro fog brain; memories of friends and family telling me I should write down some of my advice I give to people. That maybe that advice could help more people, if I’d write it down and get it out there. So that’s what I decide to do—and terrify myself wholeheartedly along the way.

The fact that I’m doing the first draft of this thing during NaNoWriMo should tell you how long I’ve been putting it off. NaNoWriMo, for those who don’t know the term, is short for National Novel-Writing Month. Every November, writers all over the place get together and spend the entire month trying to write 50,000 words in 30 days. Will we achieve it? Who knows?! But we’ll go mad trying! Usually I take NaNo and start a novel, like any good participant. But this year, I’m doing a help book. Not a self-help book, those are all crocks of... well, you get the idea. But an advice book, from the things I’ve learned. Will I get 50,000 words? I doubt it; not in a month. But I’ll try anyway. Most of this will be edited out with the final draft anyway, so what does it matter?

Let’s start with my disorders, because that’s always the best thing to get out of the way first. Clears the air a little, so to speak. Let’s start with the physical ailments, and we’ll move on to the mental illnesses. I can see you cringing away from the pages, even from here. Don’t worry, it’s not a pity party. I just want to get these out in the open, so that when I explain other things later, they’ll make more sense.

I HAVE FIBROMYALGIA, first off. It’s not the most severe case by a long shot. I know plenty of people with it who have it waaaaay worse than I do. I have nerve pain and stiffness most of the time, and when the barometric pressure rises or drops too quickly or too far, I hurt a lot. It also causes all sorts of fun side conditions, like flares to my eczema, fevers, irritable bowel syndrome, and the dreaded fibro fog, where I forget things from moment to moment, including words! (This makes writing especially fun.)

I am also a diabetic, thanks to psychiatric meds I was on for years (more on that later), and my weight, as well as a predisposition to it thanks to my father (again, more on that later). I have been on a variety of medications for it, and have managed to curb the worst of it over the past few years, but let me tell you—being poor and trying to eat right is a very difficult thing. When you have less than $300 a month in a food budget for two people and two very different sets of dietary needs, it’s a difficult prospect to eat what the dietician is telling you. I have managed, to an extent, and I work with what I have. As of late, I have actually managed to lose some weight, which has helped. Now I’m just working on maintaining.

At 37, I have arthritis in both knees and one shoulder. This means bone spurs from time to time. I am familiar with them, as my ex-husband used to get them often, and they hurt! I do what I can for them, as my insurance doesn’t really cover going in to have them shaved off when they appear, and I take over-the-counter painkillers. I’m still in pain, but it’s tolerable. I also try to go to the gym multiple times a week and spend time in the pool. The resistance from the water helps me exercise without putting much strain on my joints. There was a community center that offered the