Lipstick on Your Collar

By Raj Madnani

This is the two-sided story of Jaya, a sex-denying, menopausal wife and of Pankaj aka Pinkoo, her frustrated husband. At a cocktail party, Jaya witnesses a flirtatious encounter between Pinkoo and a voluptuous widow, both enjoying and laughing a bit too much, or so Jaya concluded. Right or wrong, her feminine instincts were on overdrive.

Egged on by her neurotic friend, she checks the apartment for evidence of an affair. Three pieces of incriminating evidence emerge, and Jaya decides to confront Pinkoo before convicting him. Jaya jiggles the evidence in Pinkoo's face while he wiggles his way out. Is Pinkoo really guilty? Can he disprove the evidence?

A farcical comedy in some ways, seriously funny in other ways, and amusingly realistic in many ways - take your pick.

• Language: English
• Publisher: One Point Six Technologies Pvt Ltd
• Release date: Aug 12, 2020
• ISBN: 9789390266357

Raj Madnani

Raj Madnani grew up in Mumbai, graduated from The Sir JJ College of Architecture in 1976, and then a Master’s degree from Harvard University in public policy and urban planning. In the USA for some twenty years, he worked in a consulting firm, New York City Government and NY Life Insurance, primarily in finance and new computer technology. In the mid-nineties, he relocated to Bangalore and set up the country’s pioneering cafes called Java City, and for several months wrote a weekly funny column on cooking for the Times. Then back to the US for software technology and design, obtaining thirteen US software patents as a sole inventor. Then back to India, back to business. If you’re feeling giddy reading all this, be thankful dates of education, work, and arrival departure have been thoughtfully omitted.

Book preview

1

PANKAJ MEETS BELLA AT THE PARTY

Ping.

The phone beeped with a message, it was Jaya his wife. Maya’s party at 8. Don’t forget.

Only the third reminder at work that day, Pankaj groaned. He thought of replying, Maya who?? But then he would have to deal with Jaya’s certain call back; she would not be amused. Instead he typed, rather dutifully, Yes, my dear.

Their college buddies Maya and Jay were celebrating their fortieth anniversary with a big party that evening. Pankaj glanced at his phone; it was 7 pm. Just enough time to get out of his corner office, get home for a quick shower, and reach by 8. Both he and Jaya liked to be on time, and that was one of the few things he had in common with his wife of 30 years. But there are these differences lately… he told himself to stop. Thoughts of forced celibacy by Jaya were avoidable at work, and more so before an evening of a social engagement with her.

His assistant Alexa popped her head through the door. Maya’s party at 8. Don’t forget. Jaya said I should remind you. Also, Tony’s here. Should I send him in?

Pankaj waved his arm to send Tony in quickly. Sometimes I think you work for my wife, not me.

I’ll respond to that another time. For now, here’s Tony. Alexa smiled and left.

Tony from Marketing entered, waving his report, smiling as he always did in the presence of a superior. Pankaj had yet to figure out if the smile was politeness, subservience, or stupidity, or all of the above. Pankaj had developed a close working relationship with Tony who quite often tried to take advantage of that. Pankaj recognized all that and took advantage of that advantage. Pankaj was clever like that.

Sir, we can finish this soon. You have a party at 8? Tony said. Pankaj glared at him - as his smile was beginning to look a bit too smug. My wife told you to remind me, right? There’s going to be a fight tonight. But first, Tony.

No sir, Alexa did. She warned me not to stay long.

She’s all-in-one, like Google. But never mind that. Your reports show monthly numbers, Tony. Change them to quarterly.

We’ll lose the detail, sir.

I want quarterly, Tony. With a graph, sorted by product. Yours here is ten years of data, 120 data points. It’s very difficult to read.

I had no problem reading it. Neither did Alexa.

You want to collect next month’s salary from Alexa? Pankaj smiled at him, mirroring his smugness.

No sir, from the HR department, Tony’s smile quickly disappeared.

Then change it to quarterly, with a graph, sorted by product. Like I had asked for three days back. Got it? Send it to me tonight, before 9.

But you’ll be at the party, sir!

I’m going late. Now go.

Sir, your wife will be upset.

I’ll blame it on you Tony. Go now. Go.

Tony mumbled, "Sir, my wife will be upset. She had plans for tonight."

What plans?

She’s made a special dinner, Tony said, not very convincingly.

Tell you what – go home now, spend an hour eating that special dinner. Tell her it’s very nice, give her a quick kiss, nothing beyond that. Then finish the report, by 9:30. Okay? Say hello to your wife. I’m sure she’s a great cook. Bye, Tony.

Sir, you’re planning my whole life now, hour by hour.

I need that report, Tony. You should have done it by quarter like I asked.

Yes, sir. Enjoy your evening. Mine is a mess. Tony left as Pankaj smiled and waved him off.

Ping. The phone beeped, it was Jaya. Have you left yet?

He grabbed his briefcase and jacket. On the way out, he waved Alexa bye. Could you set an auto reminder for Tony? He has to send his report by 9:30 tonight. Remind him every half an hour from now till 9.

You think I’m that kind of Alexa?

Even better, Alexa two-point-oh. If Jaya calls, tell her I left fifteen minutes back.

You know Alexa two-point-oh never, never lies… Bye, sir. Enjoy the evening. It starts at 8, remember?

Alexa talks too much, needs re-training. He smiled at her. But she was already busy on her phone, setting auto reminders for Tony, when her phone rang.

Hi Jaya… waving to Pankaj to leave immediately, …Pankaj just left the office. He blew her a kiss as he rushed towards the elevator. Phew.

In the basement, he walked rapidly to his car, waved to Rajoo his driver to get going, and not worry about getting the door for him. He sat in the front seat, strapped his seatbelt on, as Rajoo pulled the car out of the basement.

I think you’re late, sir, Rajoo quipped, the party’s at 8. He had that look of importance. It’s 7:25 already.

Pankaj became distinctly unhappy, with everybody telling him he was late. So you think I’ll reach the party by 8:15, if we go home first?

No way, sir, not before 9… look at this traffic, maybe later. The idiot is right, Pankaj realized.

All right Rajoo, take the next right, we’ll go straight to the party.

But sir, what about Madam? She’s waiting. She’ll be very angry.

I’ll call her, don’t worry.

And if she calls me? She’ll shout at me.

Don’t answer the phone.

Then I’m really dead. And I avoided my missus call all day… so I’m dead twice! But I messaged her to say I was busy.

That was smart, Rajoo. He called Jaya who answered in a second. Hi dear, look, we’ve hit heavy traffic. Pause. It’s true, you can check with Rajoo. Pause. No, not now, he’s driving. Pause. Yes, I am in the car, where else will I be? Pause. Pankaj rolled down the window for her to hear the traffic. Can you hear the traffic? Pause.

I think you should take the red car and go, I’ll meet you there directly. Pause. No, we won’t be stuck with two cars. I’ll ask Rajoo to take this car back home and come back for us. Pause. Of course, he can do this much. My instructions will be very clear. Pause. Yes, Alexa reminded me. Three times. Pause. You knew Tony had come? No, Tony did not stay long. Pause. Yes, Rajoo reminded me. Pause.

No, I don’t need a change of clothes. Pause. My distinguished grey suit, hand-tailored, and my elegant red tie. Pause. No, not trying to be cute, just crystal clear. Pause. Yes, now I’m being cute. Jaya, you will be late if you don’t hang up and leave now. Pause. You reached already? How? Pause. Smart. You left before my call. Why didn’t you say so? Pause. Right, I should have asked! See you later, I have to give our brilliant driver some instructions. Pause. Yes, I’ll be crystal clear. Bye.

He turned to Rajoo, Listen, if Jaya asks, tell her we met heavy traffic. Got it?

Sir, madam will shout at me for lying.

She won’t know, Rajoo! Listen, tell her there was traffic, or I’ll call your missus and tell her you were listening to the radio all day.

How did you know that?? Okay, okay, I’ll say - that as soon as we left, two container trucks got into an accident, there was broken glass everywhere, three people got injured, there was blood all over, and ambulances blocked our way. Is that good?

Just say the traffic was heavy, that’s all. No need for melodrama. Got it? We’re almost there. Listen, after dropping me, take this car home. Then come back and wait for us, to drive us both back home. Got it?

Yes, sir. Very crystul clear, got it.

It was 8:45, not too late, Pankaj thought, straightened his jacket and tie, caught the lift going up just as the door was about to close.

When he got out of the lift, the front door was open, and Maya and Jay were there to graciously receive their guests, even if they were late.

Congratulations Jay, Maya, he hugged his friend. Forty years, you look too happy for forty years.

I’ve been a good husband, he said, glancing at Maya to see if she was listening. And hurriedly added, And she’s been good too.

It’s an anniversary, Pankaj, not a therapy session. Maya kissed him on his cheek, and lingered for maybe a moment too long. She straightened his tie, So glad you’re here. Jaya’s here already.

Sorry, I’m late, Pankaj apologized. Maya would never miss an opportunity to rub it in. You look stunning, as always. I should have met you forty one years ago.

Jay butted in, Haha but you followed Jaya only, everywhere like a puppy, remember? Tongue hanging out… That’s true, and Jay always reminds me, Pankaj thought, but said with a smile, Catch you inside. Other guests, late arrivals like him, had lined up behind him to greet the couple.

He walked into the living room, not sure if he was in the mood to party or chit chat much. Suddenly, Jaya emerged in front of him, You’re late. We were supposed to enter together. She smiled artificially, in case someone was looking. One half on-time is not bad, he also smiled for the general public, this was not the place to quibble loudly. And, in any case, she would want the last word.

Traffic for me was not that bad, she announced. But was she hiding her accusatory look? Had she spoken to idiot Rajoo?

It was bad outside the office, maybe there was an accident, I’m not sure, Pankaj hedged carefully, putting on his charming half-smile. That might work on Jaya, and good for the general party public too, if anybody was watching.

Rajoo knows what to do? she wanted to make sure. You were crystal clear?

Of course, I was crystal clear. So she had talked to him. You like? she asked, pointing both hands to her dress. Switching gears again.

Black… Nice.

You sound like a corporate annual report. Jaya was unhappy.

I should have said ravishing, maybe not too late now. "And ravishing too!

Let me get you a drink, dear," Pankaj ventured, switching his gears into party mode. Might as well be the nice husband.

You get started, dear. I need to find Freni for tomorrow’s lunch. Not smiling, she sashayed into the crowd.

Pankaj sashayed one step, then caught himself and stopped. He made his way to the bar counter, greeting people along the way, waving to those who caught his eye. Phew, made it. As was his habit of success, he slipped 200 rupees to the bartender. Money talks. Hey, I remember you and this tip from before, claimed the podgy man behind the counter, grinning broadly under his toothbrush moustache. Money talked. He had a mini black bow that looked too small for his double chinned, bulging neck.

Vodka tonic, fresh lime squeezed in, ice. Tall glass, make it stiff, Pankaj said pointing to the Grey Goose bottle.

He was hungry. He pulled a bowl of munchies towards him, and surveyed the crowd. People were well dressed, women all dolled