50 Things Not to Do after 50: From Naming Your Pets after Tolkien Characters to Signaling ?Peace Out? to Your Friends

By Leland Gregory

If you or someone you know has just turned fifty, it’s time to accept that the rules of life have changed, and that fifty is not the new thirty for most of us. Leland Gregory understands the forgetful minds, sagging bodies, and flagging pride of his fellow middle-agers, and in 50 Things Not to Do after 50, he offers helpful advice aimed at combating the humiliations this stage of life can bring.

For example, regardless of your gender, under no circumstances should you ever

attempt to wear leather pants
start a story that involves a lot of namesyou'll forget most of them before the story is over
stalk your high school sweetheart on Facebook. You might discover the person you had the hots for in 10th grade isn’t so hot anymore
get drunk in Pamplona and deciding to run with the bulls
volunteer to be a drug mule
Say things like "fo’shizzle," "whatev," or "cray-cray"
And do we really need to mention thongs, Speedos, or jeggings?

50 Things Not to Do after 50 is a lighthearted and sometimes painfully on-target book about how what we used to do in our twenties, thirties, and forties should be avoided at all costs now that we’re in our fifties.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Skyhorse
• Release date: Feb 10, 2015
• ISBN: 9781629148472

Book preview

Introduction

If you’re turning 50, or have recently turned 50, or you’ve been 50 for a while and have just been lying about your age, then this book is both for you and about you. First, congratulations on this major accomplishment. From the 1500s to around the year 1800, life expectancy throughout the world hovered between the ages of 30 and 40 (and, in some countries, even less). Having turned 50 myself, I thought I would put together a list of things you should or shouldn’t do when you reach this ripe, old age (even though I’ve always thought it was insulting to use the word ripe when talking about old people). Don’t get me wrong. I’m not telling you not to do certain things. I’m only making suggestions, so don’t get your Depends in a wad.

Turning 50 is not so bad considering the alternative. Hopefully we are wiser, have overcome our destructive behaviors (at least some of them), have learned from our mistakes (or learned to make different ones), have realized some of our dreams, and have not given up on the others. This is an age to rejoice. We are the survivors. So take this book in the playful manner in which it was written and with a grain of salt—but not more than a grain because you need to watch your blood pressure. I had so much fun taking potshots at people in their fifties that I’ve included ten more bits of advice as a bonus. The truth is, I lost count. Anyway, since I enjoy dispensing unsolicited advice, you get 60 for the price of 50. Lucky you.

I thought I’d leave you with some fun facts about turning 50:

If you are exactly 50, then you have been on this earth for 18,262 days, or 438,288 hours, or 26,297,280 minutes, or 1,577,836,800 seconds. Doesn’t that make you feel a little younger, especially when you start running the same numbers on the Earth, which is estimated to be 4.54 billion years