Beyond The 3 Barriers

By Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

What keeps a spouse from even considering saving their marriage? Why does one person think the marriage is worth saving and can be saved, while their spouse is stuck on believing the marriage is destined for failure?

Barriers block a spouse from seeing possibility, of seeing a path back to love and connection. That's the bad news. Those barriers (there are 3) keep a spouse from seeing the possibilities. The good news is the barriers need not be permanent.

If you want to save your marriage, you want to make sure those barriers do not get in your way. But you also need to understand how to help a spouse move beyond the 3 barriers.

In this brief and straightforward manual, Dr. Baucom tells you the 3 boundaries, so you understand why your spouse is stuck. But more importantly, you will quickly learn the 3 responses to the boundaries. Your response to each boundary makes the difference between stuck/failing and connection/love.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Aspire Coaching, Inc
• Release date: May 7, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393698029

Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Dr. Lee H. Baucom has worked with individuals and couples around the world for over a quarter of a century.  Dr. Baucom helps people to thrive in their lives and in their marriages. He is the creator of the Save The Marriage System, hosts two podcasts, and is the author of several books.  He was also featured in a video series on beating stress. In his spare time, Dr. Baucom scuba dives, paddle boards, and trail runs. Dr. Baucom is married and has two adult children.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

Why can’t my spouse see that we could have a great marriage? Why did my spouse just give up? Did our marriage matter so little? I’ve heard it over and over. And I know that many other people who don’t say it are still thinking it. Why can’t a spouse stop for just a moment... and consider saving your marriage?

Because of barriers. Not reality. Barriers.

Janie’s marriage had been in trouble for some time.  But now, it was not just in trouble, it was in crisis.  Her spouse said he was Done, no matter what.  There is no way to turn this around!  I refuse to watch us just sink to the bottom! His anger was more of a deep burn, not hot like it was before. Just a deep seething. As far as he was concerned, his marriage had been on life support for years. He was just pulling the plug.

Bill’s spouse declared that There was nothing that could be done. If there was, we would have done it. No therapy or program is going to fix this. Let it go. Sure, they had talked in the past about issues and problems. And yes, they had briefly tried therapy.  It didn’t help, so they quit. Now, she was ready to quit on the marriage.

Sue told me, we both are hopeless. I don’t even know why I called. There is nothing that can be done. Sue continued to tell me how her spouse just didn’t see any way forward and had just given up all hope.

Those 3 conversations were all in one morning! The 3 spouses had hit the 3 Barriers. What are the barriers? They block your spouse from seeing how your marriage could recover and why it could be great. The barriers are what your spouse can’t see beyond. They block the view of any other options for your marriage. And without any other solution, divorce is the only option.

Barriers are the reasons that a spouse can’t and won’t work on the relationship. And they are why your spouse is resisting (even refusing) efforts to save your marriage.

WHY IT MATTERS

A decision to end a marriage never comes lightly. The decision may surprise you, shock you, and scare you when divorce is proposed. But the decision didn’t happen in a vacuum. So far, in three decades of working with couples, not one person has told me they got married intending to get divorced. They never started the marriage with the intention of failing.

Yet we know that just under half of all marriages fail. Divorce is common, even though statistics show that divorce does not lead to more life satisfaction. Instead, divorce negatively impacts emotional health, financial health, and well-being of children. Marriages are the basic building block of family relationships, which form the building blocks of the community. Marriages matter! And your marriage matters!

If people do not start marriage with the intention of getting divorced, why won’t they work on it? Why won’t they find a way to fix things?

In your case, why won’t your spouse work on it (at least, right now)?

Because your spouse can’t see any way forward. That’s where these barriers get in the way. The barriers block the capacity of your spouse from seeing any way forward. They obscure the possibility of healing. They are a wall that keeps a spouse from seeing into the possibilities.

The good news is they don’t have to be permanent barriers.  You can help remove them. But you have to understand the barriers