To Hell With It!

By Joe Noland

The book opens with the author announcing an absurd bid for the USA presidency 2020 (tongue-in-cheek serious). The Father of Lies (the devil) interrupts this announcement offering to be the author's co-narrator (conspirator), willing and able to say outrageous things that the author (candidate) could never get away with saying himself. Kind of like a ventriloquist and his dummy, thus bringing a bit of intrigue and drama to the story.

The journey unfolds whimsically in two parts: Part One: "ONE HELL OF A CHALLENGE: An Absurd Conversation." Part Two: "HOW TO NEVER EVER LOSE AGAIN: 7 Not-So-Absurd Hell-Beating Actions for Developing a Winning-While-Losing Mindset."

The first part documents 'how and why' it will be impossible to lose the presidential race. In the second part, the reader will also discover how to win while losing within his/her competitive field of choice. "To hell with losing!' his/her battle cry. And the campaign slogan accentuates the books subtheme, one that is especially relevant today: MUST! "Make US (United States) Truthful (Trustworthy).

Father of Lies: "Heh-heh! Noland, this is going to be fun, insanely absurd and embarrassing. Dear reader, you are in for one hell of a read (please note the absence of the adjective 'good' before the word 'read'). But be forewarned. It's all fake news. Just like the failing N.Y. Times."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Joe Noland
• Release date: Mar 20, 2020
• ISBN: 9781386637059

Joe Noland

Joe’s ministry can be summed up in three words: Chaos, Creativity and Controversy - three elements implicit in any successful innovative endeavor. Cecil B. DeMille, renowned producer of Biblical epics, once wrote, “Creativity is a drug I cannot live without.” Joe’s mantra reads, “Creativity is my drug of choice.” Look for this creative opiate to make itself increasingly apparent in ongoing innovative endeavors.

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

The Competitive Dilemma

Four out of ten Christians (40%) strongly agree that Satan is not a living being but is a symbol of evil. An additional two out of ten Christians (19%) say they agree somewhat with that perspective. (Barna Group)

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

(1 Peter 5:8)

The Devil Made Me Do It!

Seems pretty clear to me. Evil (the devil) is adept at matching opposing forces against each other competitively. In so doing, he/she has purposely distorted the outcome by inventing two competing words: WINNING and LOSING. Winning is supposedly a good thing and losing bad. This competitive adeptness has resulted in chaos, mayhem and destruction throughout history.

Human decency (Good), on the other hand, removes the negative competitive aspect from losing and winning altogether. In so doing, it tells us that even in losing, we can still achieve (win). Absurd? Yes, but so was the creation of the universe, if you stop and think about it deeply. The creative process always originates out of absurdity. And every competitive endeavor requires creativity.

This does require a radical change in thinking, however. That is, the ability to see winning as a process rather than an outcome. If the process is successful, in the end everyone wins, no matter what side you’re on.

It’s Not About Finishing First.

It’s About Finishing BEST.

To test this axiom experientially, I have decided to attempt something very competitive that many will consider naively absurd. I do this first, to get your attention, and second, to prove that even while losing, I can still win. I thought about competing for something less absurd, like a sack race at the church picnic, but that would be self-defeating… and very embarrassing if I happened to lose.

In the competitive outcome sense of the word, what are the odds of winning the race I have chosen? Probably a zillion to one. Absurd? Remember, the creative process always originates out of absurdity.

This book represents a whimsical documentation of that process, with tips along the way on how to win while losing. It will take some interesting twists and turns, with a victorious turn of events in the end. Enjoy the process. Then I encourage you to go out and attempt something equally absurd yourself. Hey, what do you have to lose?

Father of Lies (the devil): (Interrupting) Hey Noland, @realfatheroflies here. How about me being your co-narrator, willing and able to say outrageous things you could never get away with saying yourself. Kind of like a ventriloquist and his dummy. Pretty unique approach, don’t you think?

Hate to admit it, Father of Lies, but that is a damned good idea. After all, Screwtape Letters had a pretty good run at it, eh? Let’s do it, but with one caveat. I’m the ventriloquist and you’re the dummy. Now, all we need is a hook.

Heh-heh, we’ll see about that. The dummy is in the eye of the beholder. The premise of your book is the art of winning while losing, isn’t it? Here’s an idea for a hook. Run for dog catcher or city council. Doesn’t matter, you’re going to lose anyway. Then document it chapter and verse, with tips on what it feels like to be a stone-cold loser.

Aren’t you full of bright ideas! Dogcatcher? City council? To hell with it! Let’s shoot for the moon—President of the USA 2020. Think of the intrigue this will bring to the story. During the journey, we’ll document how and why it will be impossible for me to lose. In so doing, the readers will also discover how to win while losing within their competitive field of choice.

Heh-heh! This is going to be fun, insanely absurd and embarrassing. Dear reader, you are in for one hell of a read (please note the absence of the adjective ‘good’ before the word ‘read’). But be forewarned. It’s all fake news. Just like the failing N.Y. Times.

PART 1

ONE HELL OF A CHALLENGE

(An Absurd Conversation)

CHAPTER ONE

An Absurd Announcement

(Tongue-In-Cheek Serious)

July 17, 2019

After much prayer and contemplation, I have decided to throw my hat into the USA Presidential ring. HUH? Well, why not, everyone else has. And I’ve chosen my birthdate for this announcement.

Yep, this is no joke. I’m serious. I’m not lying.

Lying (adjective) not telling the truth:

he’s a lying, cheating, snake in the grass.

(Apple Dictionary)

Absurd! you say. Perhaps, but have you noticed the absurdity swirling around the USA President today? According to the secular-inspired word (Washington Post), the number of lies told since taking office, as of this writing:

10,796

And according to the real inspired Word (Bible), referencing the snake in the grass:

When he lies, he speaks his native language,

for he is a liar and the father of lies. (John 8:44)

Father of Lies: Wait a minute, listen to me, don’t pay attention to this dribble. Lying is essential to be a successful lawyer, politician or real estate mogul—one of those necessary evils. You know, the end justifying the means.

You’ve got me there, Father of Lies, I must confess. Okay, maybe a few little white lies, but not 10,796, for God’s sake!

(Mockingly) Oh my, isn’t that a bit racist—‘white’ meaning a ‘good’ lie and ‘black’ its ‘evil’ antithesis? Dude, with this kind of thinking, you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning. Lie boldly! Don’t worry, it’ll quickly become the new normal. You running as a Republican?

Stop interrupting this announcement. Go interfere somewhere else please, thank you. Point taken, however on the racist part. But as for the truth, it must always prevail, no compromise, no excuses, no vacillating. The end never justifies the means. Didn’t our forefathers set the bar high for us? George Washington chopping down the cherry tree, for example: I cannot tell a lie.

(Triumphantly) Wait! Isn’t that story a myth, a lie made up by his biographer to sell more books? Lies and more lies! And it was successful beyond the author’s wildest expectations.

There you go, masterfully bending the truth again. Yes, I suppose it is folklore, but it was told to instill a higher moral purpose: truthfulness and trustworthiness, important virtues for this day and time.

(Smugly) Ah, so the end does sometimes justify the means, eh? On second thought, maybe you do have a shot at becoming a successful politician. You are running as a Republican, eh?

No, I’m not running as a Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative or anything else close to representing the establishment. Rather, I’m running independently under the MUST! banner:

MUST!

"Make US (United States) Truthful (Trustworthy)."

And when we use a myth or allegory to communicate a higher moral purpose, it MUST be done with full disclosure, fingers crossed.

(Gleefully) Yes! Fingers crossed. Always done to sneakily cover up a lie. You’re starting to catch on, boy.

No. that’s another myth, as you well know. It has its roots in early Christianity when Christians used the fingers-crossed gesture to secretly invoke the power of the cross (over you) or to let other Christians know of their affiliation. Overcome evil with good. This, in essence, sums up the intent and purpose for this announcement of our candidacy.

Absurd! ‘Crazy Joe,’ they’ll call you. You’ll be the laughingstock of this country. A real social media clown. Get real. Get a life!

Get thee behind me!

You want to talk about absurd? When you consider the number of people dying every single day upon our streets because of gun violence, that’s absurd. When you think of the opioid crisis in this country, then think absurd. This is the wealthiest country on this planet, yet millions wake up every morning without the security of health insurance. Talk about absurdity. And the racial divide in this country? The height of absurdity! And you’re the evil absurdity behind it all.

Laugh all you want. Tweet away with sarcasm and guile. Make fun of the messenger to try and diffuse the message. That’s why we’re entering this race. To communicate a critical message: That Truth prevails. That good is more powerful than evil. That opportunity abounds. That everyone can win. And we’re going to convey it creatively through these pages. Remember, the creative process always originates out of absurdity. Put that in your pipe and…

(Interrupting) Ha! With this ‘goody-goody’ attitude, you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning.

Isn’t that what you whispered into David’s ear as he marched out to face Goliath?

(Weakly) Touche!

Keep your fingers crossed

+ Spread the Word

Thanks

Winning Tip

Honesty always finishes BEST!

Edwin Sandys is credited for coining the phrase, Honesty is the best policy.

A set of policies are principles, rules, and guidelines formulated or adopted by an organization (or person) to reach its (his/her) long-term goals... (businessdictionary.com)

In Act 3, Scene 5 of William Shakespeare’s All’s Well that Ends Well, is this line: No legacy is so rich as honesty. In other words, honesty always wins (ends well). Could the Bard have been influenced by the wisdom (guidelines) of Solomon here?

Truth lasts; lies are here today, gone tomorrow.

(Proverbs 12:19)

Honesty is Not the Language of Hell.

ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL!

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