Generation Squeezed : A Holistic Guide For Taking Care Of Aging Parents

By Morgan H Smith Jr.

This book is primarily for adults with aging parents who want to be informed or help them. The goal is to help you and your parents not make the mistakes that others have made for a tranformative experience in life.

You'll need to be prepared when events with your parents begin to happen (and when a decline begins, events can develop very quickly) so your life doesn't fall apart and you can actually transform the  process into a healthy and happy experience for you and your family along with a sustained peace of mind after all is said and done. This book would also be helpful for your aging parent to read as well.

There are many things you'll need to know when you start helping your parents. How do you prepare yourself emotionally? Do they need a private fiduciary? What is hospice? How do you deal with siblings? What is the best financial plan for your parents? How do you approach your parents? Do you need a durable power of attorney? How do you settle the estate? All of these questions and further insights will be answered by someone who has lived it.

You can find information on just about any of these issues on their own, but without integrating them into a holistic approach, you are bound to have numerous unwanted surprises that could prove detrimental to your family's financial, physical, and emotional health. People falsely think decisions are typically made from having the right information. That perspective is missing the all-important aspect of how greatly emotions affect our decision-making process. If you just try to consume data to find a solution to make decisions, you are fully discarding the emotional influence on your decision-making. So this book is not intended to answer all of the details of every legal, financial, or emotional issue that comes up but instead shines a light on a path forward to give you perspective, insight, and real knowledge for the journey ahead.

As busy adults, we usually deal with issues that arise with our parents reactively. Often, it's because we are truly busy with our family, work, and friends, and we assume everything is fine unless we hear otherwise. We also know parents often don't like to trouble their kids about problems; you may not hear about things until you find out one of them is in the hospital. But if yourIf your parents are important to you, their loss will be deeply meaningful. If your parents' loss would be deeply meaningful to you, they must be important to you. And someone who is deeply meaningful to you really deserves your best efforts.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Morgan H Smith Jr.
• Release date: Feb 24, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393749080

Morgan H Smith Jr.

Morgan H Smith Jr. is an author, speaker, and experienced financial advisor. He has trained as a Buddhist monk and conducted combat operations as an F-14 Tomcat  Naval Flight Officer and holds an International MBA and is a CERTIFIED FINANCIAL PLANNER™. He was a caretaker for both of his parents who passed away and works with numerous clients on intergenerational financial issues. He is married with a six year old son.

Book preview

GENERATION

SQUEEZED™

––––––––

A HOLISTIC GUIDE FOR TAKING CARE OF

AGING PARENTS

MORGAN H SMITH JR

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Copyright © 2020 Morgan H Smith Jr.

www.gensqueezed.com

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be scanned, uploaded, reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. Purchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Thank you for supporting the author’s rights.

Cover Design: FastDesign360

For My Family

And

Yours

Table Of Contents

The Bull & Balls

New Beginnings. New Endings.

Let It Ride?

Before The Fall. Decline. End Days.

Before The Fall

Personal Inventory

Tools to Cope: Personal Story

Stress Factors

Why Take Care of Your Parents?

Parents’ Response—When Kids Try To Help

Fear vs Being Afraid

Family Meetings

Siblings

Financial Plan

Life Insurance

Long-Term Care Insurance

Document Consolidation

Splitting Assets Among Multiple Beneficiaries

Trust/Wills/DPOAs

Healthcare Directives & Power of Attorney

Do Not Resuscitate

Probate vs. Trust

All Trusts Are Not Created Equal

Living Trust

Asset Structure

Web Access & Passwords

When A Parent Did Not Leave a Will

Probate

Will Contests

Decline

Medication

Paying Bills & People

Individual Retirement Accounts (IRAs)

Accumulation/Holding Phase

Distribution Phase

Inherited IRAs

In-Home Care

Medical Alerts

Home Configuration

Assisted Living

End Days

Hospice

Getting Older, Parents Dying, The Paradigm Shift

Your Search For Understanding

When Your Parent Passes

Grieving & Depression

And You Are...?

Getting Your Kids Through The Process

Settling The Estate

Valuations

Step Up In Basis

Taxes

Estate Sale

Memorial & Burial/Cremation

Your Personal Voyage: a Timeless Classic

The Bull & Balls

One day, I decided to visit my father, a twenty-minute drive from my house. We sat down in my parents’ front patio, where so many times over the years he had given me life advice or just cracked a few jokes. It was a sunny fall day in Coronado, California, with the ever-present ocean breeze and the occasional ship horn claiming its passage in the San Diego Bay. Sitting in the sun with my dad and enjoying the moment, I was tempted to just let it pass and pretend everything was okay. But it wasn’t. His dementia had gotten to the point where he could be a danger to himself and others if he was out on the roads; something needed to give before it broke. Because of my love and respect for him, I was committed to help, as hard as it was. I was really worried there would be a lot of pushback, but mostly I felt bad for taking away one of the main things that gave him a sense of control and freedom.

Dad, you understand you’re having a more difficult time with your memory, don’t you"

Yea. Ha ha. Jeez. Getting old ain’t for sissies. But I’m doing all right, son, don’t you worry about me. I’m happy.

Well dad, I know you’re happy and that’s great. But do you remember when you got lost the other day driving around town?

Did I? Ha ha. No, I don’t remember. Really?

Yep.

Jeez, that’s, well, ha ha, really?

Yes really. Mom and I want you to be safe and I don’t want you getting in an accident where you might hurt someone else, so it’s really time you stopped driving. It’s for your safety and everyone else's, so I’m going to have to take your keys away and no more driving.

There was a pause as he looked at me, trying to grasp the full context of what I had just said. Inside, I was fighting the anxiety and guilt, trying to keep myself together. Trying to keep it light and breezy when in actuality I felt the weight of my entire life squeezing my heart and head. He stopped and looked at me. For a moment, I did not think he fully comprehended what I was suggesting. I also worried he might blow up and start yelling and tell me to take a hike. Then he looked at me, and very innocently said, It’s all right son. I understand.

Silence. I just stared at him for a moment making sure I heard his words correctly. And then boom! That’s when all of that anxiety, fear, and guilt just washed away. That’s when I realized I was really doing the good work in life—helping my father—which was helping my mother, my sister, and myself be happy and give us peace of mind. That moment gave me supreme steadfast confidence that I should continue the path I was on.

That was a transformative moment for me, but as I later found out, despite this small victory, there were many, many difficult times to come. Transformative as it was, it was also a very sad moment for me. My father, tough as nails on the outside, softie on the inside, the strong foundation for my life and our family, had just resigned to the fact that he had met his match. And it tore me up inside. Some people who have dementia get very combative and angry, while some are more serene and calm. Thankfully, my father was the latter; I felt at times he was regressing to a boyhood innocence, taking comfort and a sense of safety in his family. Over the years, our relationship had grown from one of father-son to one of friends, with a love that was solid and always there. This day was a marker in my life, as in essence it was a role reversal, where I was the father and he was my young son.

If I wasn’t somewhat prepared for this chapter in my life, it’s quite possible everything I had worked hard for could have come tumbling down. But, from this moment on, I was able to approach the decline and death of both my parents with an enlightened and informed approach that was full of confidence and commitment.

A final note on this conversation with my dad. After he told me that he understood and was okay with me taking away the car, he sat there for a moment and then looked at me with the old humorous fire in his eyes and said, You know son, taking away a man’s car is like chopping the balls off of a bull. I laughed and cried at the same time and was very happy to have my dad back for that fleeting moment.

New Beginnings. New Endings.

Moving through life, seeing your parents getting older and knowing you’ll most likely experience their passing maybe sooner than later, can be a weight on anyone’s emotions. Unless you are thick in it right now, you probably don’t walk around thinking about this all the time. But it’s there, and it will come.

The universe has a beautiful strangeness to it and here’s a reminder. When I was going through the decline and death of my parents, I seemed to be running into a lot of people who were going through the same thing I was—the universe confirming its ways to me. Most of them seemed somewhat adrift, lost in the maze of things they had to take care of. And although they might have felt somewhat confident handling certain things, they were unclear about how to take care of the majority of issues, such as legal, financial, taxes, and their own emotions. I realized I was not alone, and most people are, or will soon be, going through the same situation.

Whether or not you’ve realized it, entering this new phase in your life means you’ll have to decide if and how to help your aging and dying parents. You may be daunted by the prospect of doing this—getting the right caretakers, paying the bills, reviewing investments, settling the estate, dealing with siblings, finding those passwords, understanding the importance of powers of attorney, preparing yourself emotionally, and more. The list goes on and seems overwhelming; in fact, it is—especially if you have nowhere to turn or don’t feel like talking about it to anyone.

In this book, I will help you help yourself and your family. Through my personal experiences with my parents and my professional experience as a financial advisor helping families facing similar issues, I’m confident you’ll gain new insights and tools to help you through this difficult journey.

There are so many things that could go wrong throughout the process; it’s very hard to do things on your own and not be informed. Even if you are getting help, you’ll want to be informed. We are all under increased demands in today’s life, especially if we are taking care of our own households, our relationships, our children, and our jobs. Even if you thought you had the knowledge and expertise to do everything, you could easily stress yourself to the breaking point and have everything else in life that you’ve worked hard for over the years come crashing down.

Your parents are a reflection of a national issue that will continue to grow. If you define the aging population as those 65 and over you’ll see what I mean.

●  There is a sizable growth in our aging population the likes of which has never been seen before in the U.S.

●  Our aging population is forecast to almost double in the next 40 years to almost 100 million.

●  A significant percentage of aging women lived alone in 2018 and these percentages only increase as you look at older age groups.

●  The amount of people requiring nursing home care will be close to 2 million in ten years.

●  The demand for elder care is also increasing significantly in large part due to cognitive disorders. In 30 years this number could approach 13 million.

But it’s not just about your parents. It’s also about you. You are a lead character in this story as you (and therefore your children and your legacy) are most likely beneficiaries of your parents’ values and at least some of the wealth your parents have built through their lifetimes. And as you might have surmised, the research tells us you are probably unprepared to handle the new complexities of sudden wealth. U.S. Trust recently surveyed high-net-worth individuals with more than $3 million in investable assets to find out how they are preparing the next generation for handling significant wealth.

Looking at the numbers, 78 percent feel the next generation is not financially responsible enough to handle inheritance, according to Chris Heilmann, U.S. Trust’s chief fiduciary executive. He notes 64 percent [of parents] admit they have disclosed little to nothing to their children [you].

The night I took away my father’s access to his car, I took some time to reflect on the fact that I had just denied my father a clear and tangible part of his freedom. I was also thinking about all the friends and clients I had spoken with who were going through similar situations. What I saw in their eyes and heard in their voices was a mix of sadness, fear, love, and surrender. They had surrendered to the idea that this would be a painful and difficult process and there was not much they could do about it.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. Having been through the death of both my parents and helped my clients go through the same, I found out it doesn’t have to be this way at all. There is hope that this could actually be an experience that transforms your life in a very positive and significant way, including enhancing your relationships with your partner, your children, and of course your parents and the life- long memories you’ll have of them.

This book is going to explain to you in a very clear and simple manner the many things you’ll need to understand and accomplish throughout this process. But I don’t just leave it at that. Data and knowledge unto themselves do not make up our lives and our relationships. This book also explores and gives a perspective on your own emotional barriers and the issues that come up with parents and children as well. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my personal life and professional life as an investment expert, it’s that the emotional and behavioral biases and projections we have can have the most negative impact on our future and our results. You need a holistic approach for the best chance of success and happiness.

Let It Ride?

There's a great Seinfeld scene I’ll always remember where Kramer, unbeknownst to Jerry, uses Jerry’s money to place a high odds bet on the Knicks. If the Knicks beat the Pacers by more than thirty-five points, the bet would pay ten to one. Kramer’s logic to using Jerry’s money was that Jerry did not have a gambling problem like Kramer did, so it was