Zombies Eat Last

By Tim Heaton

Leadership advice as found in Leaders Eat Last reminds one of an exercise routine. Everyone knows they should follow it, few do. Here's a book for everyone else.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Tim Heaton
• Release date: Jan 16, 2020
• ISBN: 9781393987901

Tim Heaton

Trick Albright stars in the Cassiel Society triller and is from Holly Springs, Mississippi and London, England. He invented shagging, the airplane, and sarcasm, but not the internet. He is also a world-renowned chef, international momma’s boy, and complete flop with the opposite sex. His spends most of his time with Golden Retriever, Mousse, who is the person he aspires to be.

Book preview

PREFACE

I wrote this to take a poke fun at all the ignored advice contained in leadership books—not to say the writing itself, which is drier than chalk dust. You may find this book disturbing or enlightening, but not dull. It’s too short to be dull.  You are certain to recognize some of the very worst leaders you’ve suffered under on these pages.

Some of the worse CEOs carry on after they have eviscerated their company by writing books about themselves. You will read about those twats in these pages.  But you will not read about the leaders you should be following, they don’t write books about their leadership philosophy. Perhaps they are too humble?

More likely, they realize the futility of it all.

The books by military folks run a close second to the celebrity CEO trope. No disrespect to the armed forces, but leadership in the working world has nothing in common with being shot at, although it gladdens me to imagine the possibilities.

Enduring offensive hygiene, tackling impossible deadlines, and associating with pathological liars are far more effective in developing leadership skills than reading leadership books.  Often recommended is 70% direct experience, 20% mentoring, and 10% reading.  For the reading part, I recommend the Gulag Archipelago by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn. Given the state of management today, it is likely that the Gulag is appropriate for you.

INTRODUCTION

This is a book for aspiring leaders who think the formula in Simon Sinek’s book Leaders Eat Last is just too much work, silly new-age claptrap, or simply doesn’t fit your psychopathic personality. This guide is for those of you who believe employees are like toilet paper.

You shit on them; your shit is good.

You are the whole shit; they are a piece of shit.

You don’t give a shit, but believe you are the shit.

They don’t know shit, so they must take your shit.

With this guide on management, you’ll never get poo-finger.

In Leaders Eat Last, Simon Sinek advocates a leadership style that focuses on serving others. This book is the leader’s guide for serving employees—to zombies.

Psychopaths leading zombies is the dominant management style today by a wide margin.

Why zombies and not vampires? I must admit, blood-sucking makes a delicious allegory. However, vampires are fast, strong, difficult to kill, intelligent, and charming.  Ergo, they would be a challenge to a psychopath’s (your) dominance. Zombies on the other hand, are slow, weak, easy to kill, and dumb.

FOREWORD

You might be asking yourself, How does one know if they are leader material, AKA a psychopath? Four out of five on this list qualifies you.

1. You’re charming: Psychopaths make good first impressions. They’re great at making small talk and using flattery and quick wit to gain trust.

2. Your lack empathy: Psychopaths don’t care about other people. When they hurt someone else, they don’t experience any distress. They are blind to other’s pain and deflect responsibility away.

3. You prey on other people’s emotions: Psychopaths are highly manipulative. They view other people’s emotions as weaknesses to be exploited. They often claim to be victims. Psychopaths brag about their manipulative successes.

4. You don’t