Parenting by Text: Managing Conflict with Teens Through the Fine Art of Texting

By Mike Lund

In this book, you'll explore how to use the one thing that most teens pay attention to - their cell phones - to deliver advice and direction. Even in times of conflict.

Specifically, you'll learn about dynamics that are present in every conversation via something called, "The Communication Cycle". You'll also discover specific needs that are important to us all. Needs that help to shape our identity. Based on these teachings, you'll be able to craft a text that can vastly increase the chances of your teen actually listening to you.

Parenting is hard enough - especially when there is conflict. Why not use all the tools available?

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Nov 28, 2019
• ISBN: 9781543987928

Book preview

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© 2019 by Mike Lund.All Rights Reserved

Published by BookBaby. Reproduction of this book in any manner, in whole or in part, without written permission of the author is prohibited.

This book is designed to provide information and motivation to its readers. It is sold with the understanding that it is not engaged to render any type of psychological, legal or any other kind of professional advice. No guarantees are expressed or implied. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial or commercial damages, including, but not limited to, special, incidental, consequential, or other damages.

Print ISBN 978-1-54398-791-1

Ebook ISBN 978-1-54398-792-8

First Edition

Contents

Introduction

Part 1 Staying Connected

Chapter 1 Importance of Texting Everyday

Chapter 2 The Parking Lot Story

Chapter 3 Conflicts and PBT

Chapter 4 Why Parenting by Text Works

Chapter 5 The Communication Cycle

Chapter 6 Identity Needs

Chapter 7 Parenting by Text Attitude

Chapter 8 The Parts of a PBT Text

Chapter 9 Opening

Chapter 10 Benefit and Intent

Chapter 11 Advice/Expectation

Chapter 12 Closing

Part 2 Other Important Info

Chapter 1 FAQs

Chapter 2 Scenarios

Chapter 3 Worksheets

References

Acknowledgements

Before becoming a parent,

I didn’t realize that I could ruin someone’s life

by asking them to put pants on.

-Taloringer

Introduction

Another perfect day with your teenager. You can’t believe your luck—their room is clean, they empty the dishwasher without being asked, they clean up after the dog, and they do well in school. Not only that, but they always let you know where they are; they are polite and respectful, they show appreciation for their grandparents, and they are a pleasure to be around.

What—wait a minute! You’re telling me that isn’t always the case?

While your teen might show some of the behaviours listed above, they probably don’t do all of them. And in some cases, they might not do any of them. Well, this is part of the reason that I decided to write this book. After experiencing a few years of wince-inducing interactions with my teenagers, I felt there had to be something different I could do. After all, the hoping, praying, and talking we were doing didn’t seem to have any effect.

While raising our teenagers, both my wife and I read about the physiological and psychological changes that they go through. On an intellectual level, we got it. The brain of a teenager is working hard to do all the developing it needs to do. At the same time there are social, school, and, sometimes, work demands at play. Because of this, teenagers often can’t help themselves when it comes to their impulses and reactions.

However, understanding this logically did not prepare us for the emotional toll that these normal outbursts would have on the entire house. My wife and I were exhausted and ultimately felt like we had to walk on eggshells every time we needed to ask a question. We never knew what would set off the next tirade. Even a simple, How was your day? could be met with a sarcastic grunt or with the harshest of tones. It’s a wonder to me how a person can convey so much disgust in a one word answer. It is a real art.

And we saw other behaviours described by the raising-teenagers experts. Our teens wanted to spend more time with their friends than with us. Gone were the movie nights together or consistent family dinners. Going to the store was now more of a solo adventure instead of the family trip it once was. Sports and social activities partly contributed to these changes, but there was also the teenage desire to gain some independence. Again, logically it made sense, but our hearts longed for the simpler times when we could cart the kids around without any resistance.

While this pulling away is regarded as typical, it was unsettling because we were used to children who in the past would willingly go wherever we wanted or who would laugh at our often repeated lame jokes.

My wife and I noticed that with the introduction of cellphones, the withdrawal from us was even more pronounced. It was easy to see why: phones offer access to the easy-to-use social media formats that exist today—texting, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, etc. These are infinitely more interesting to a teenager than hanging out with parents.

Like many other mothers and fathers, we heard ourselves saying, They’re always on their phone! They don’t talk anymore. This is a common complaint. Many parents feel ignored and at a loss on how to deal with what they see as excessive use and dependence on cellphones.

So, based on the saying, If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, I decided to try using my phone as a way to strengthen my relationship with the kids. After all, what did I have to lose? In the worst case scenario I would be the uncool, try-hard parent—but I was willing to risk my already-weathered reputation. Out of all the social media options, I chose texting. For me, it was a matter of keeping it simple. With texting, I didn’t have to take selfies, post pictures of my food, update my status, or be witty. And since I was already texting the kids to find out when their practice ended or to let them know I was outside waiting to pick them up from a friend’s place, why not continue? They were used to reading my texts, and I was used to sending them. But the dilemma then was in crafting a text to share my parenting wisdom with these resisters (who were cleverly disguised as my children).

Luckily, in the grand scheme of communication, texting is still fairly new, and with anything new there is always room to grow and improve. So, it is on this evolution premise that I suggest we now look at how to use texting to build stronger connections with our teens. And as the title Parenting by Text: Managing Conflict with Teens through the Fine Art of Texting implies, this book looks at strategies to help with those moments in our parenting lives that are less than perfect.

In my almost two decades of work in the conflict resolution field, I’ve conducted countless mediations, worked with groups in conflict and have coached hundreds of individuals on how to approach difficult situations effectively. In almost every situation, I’ve used the tried and true approaches described in the pages ahead. Of course there are many differences between face-to-face conversations and texting. And this was my initial challenge, both as a parent and as an author. How do I apply these reliable communication strategies in a faceless, non-verbal format (i.e. texting)? After experimenting with different variations and testing them on unwitting volunteers (my teenagers), I’ve been able to rework these strategies so they are better suited to the texting format. (Examples of some of my texts to my teens can be found at the back of this book.)

Ultimately, it’s about increasing your texting skill to build and maintain a stronger bond with your teen, even when there is a difference of opinion. You’ll find two areas of communication with teens included in this book. The first focuses on moments of connection. Little moments where the simple daily events are discussed—lunches, movies and basic check-ins. You know—the easy stuff.

The second focuses on those moments where there are disagreements or behaviour that you find troublesome. In other words—conflict. You know—the harder stuff.

I hope this book helps.

Good luck in your parenting adventure!

Part 1

Staying Connected

Zits

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© By King Features Syndicate Inc.

Chapter 1

Importance of Texting Everyday

In any relationship, personal or professional, we don’t realize how often we connect verbally and non-verbally. Whether it’s a simple nod of the head to imply, Good morning or someone asking, How was your weekend? These moments serve to cement the link to those around us.

Imagine how awkward or tense it would be if your colleagues or boss at work rarely spoke to you. And on the occasions they did, it was solely to give you pointers on how you could do your work better. No small talk, no interest in what is currently going on for you. Odds are, you’d become pretty resentful. Not getting recognition or not being able to talk about everyday events would grow pretty tiring. Ultimately, it might even make you feel