My Soul Hurts: A Walk Through Abuse

By Petra Ramirez

INTRODUCTION OF MY JOURNEY
The journey to freedom:

After hearing the contrary of what is happening (abuse) a victim/survivor begins to question themselves and question if the abuse is really happening. Often, when the victim fights back because they reach a point of not able to tolerate the abuse. Their abuser will shift the blame and make the victim believe that they are abusive.
Don't question yourself if something is abuse, know what abuse is and do not tolerate it anymore.
To Survivors, I am with you. Keep your head up, find people that will stand next to you in your pain. What feels like a never-ending mess will start to get better? Healing is possible, not easy, but possible. Find your courage and RISE.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 9, 2019
• ISBN: 9781543988994

Book preview

Copyright © 2019 by Petra Ramirez

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN: 9781543988994

Index

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCES

INTRODUCTION

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

INTRODUCTION OF MY JOURNEY

THE STRUGGLE AFTER MY FIRST DIVORCE

A SEARCH TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE

MY BOYS

I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE A NEW START WITH NO MORE ABUSE

STATUTORY RAPE

THE ABUSE GETS WORST AFTER OUR WEDDING

THE LITTLE GIRL IN A SAILOR DRESS

BULLIES

SHE WEARS PONYTAILS AND HAS A SILENT ATTITUDE

PUPPY LOVE WILL MAKE YOU A HIGH SCHOOL DROP OUT IN MY HOME

THE ABUSE CONTINUES AFTER HIGH SCHOOL

MY LAST YEAR WITH MY FATHER

ENDING A RELATIONSHIP IS NOT EASY

ISOLATIONS IS THE LONELIEST PLACE

SURGERY: THE DRAMA, CONTROL, PAIN, AND CHOCOLATE CAKE

GOING BACK TO WORK

THE PURSE

HOW I HEALED: SELF-REGULATION TOOLS TO REBUILD MY LIFE

LIST OF BOOKS

SPORTS FOR THE ENDORPHINS AND SELF-REGULATION

MY SPEECH

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCES

I received an Associate of Arts in Liberal Arts from Bakersfield College in Bakersfield, California, Bachelor of Science in Psychology from National University, and I started the Master of Social Work at California State University, Bakersfield with plans to finish my degree.

My work experiences include working with children with special needs, children’s behavioral health, drug and alcohol prevention for youth, mentoring, and leadership for youth.

I have eight years’ experience working with survivors of sexual assault and domestic violence with nonprofit organizations — experience working with CASA of Kern as child advocate volunteer. I have also participated and lead groups for adult women who were sexually abused during childhood at a religious organization.

I am athletic, my sports are cycling, running, and CrossFit. I’ve run more than 20 half marathons and four marathons, most of them I have ran on my own. Two of the marathons I ran alone, one was for my birthday and the other just because two marathons were at the Bakersfield Marathon, 2017 and 2018. I have completed four double centuries (200 miles in one day) on my bike and several century rides in various locations. I enjoy riding and all sport activities for self-care and the company.

INTRODUCTION

When I decided to release my journals and put them into a book, I had to remember the parts that I did not write in the journals. I am sharing my journals because I feel that I have important information for those who are working with victims of sexual abuse and domestic violence. I also want to emphasize the need for children who have been abused to receive counseling. Many children grow up seeing unhealthy relationships, so it is crucial for them to be around healthy relationships. I journaled consistently during the years I was married to James, my second husband. During those years, I needed to write because I was suffering and needed an outlet for my pain. I never thought I was going to use some these journal writings for this book. To the women, men, children going through an abusive relationship, I invite you to start journaling. It will be a good outlet for your pain, a source for self-regulation, or a good record for a protective order.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

My boys, Coby, Julie, Sandra, Karen and Tony, Steve, Able, Becky and Keith, Eric and Don, Kerri Ryan, Ryan Ibarra, CASA of Kern, and The Alliance Against Family Violence and Sexual Assault. I also dedicate this book to the survivors of Sexual assault, child abuse, and neglect survivors.

The people I mentioned above help me in my journey of healing my heart and soul. I had nothing to offer emotionally or financially. They took care of me and provided me with the basic needs I needed to regain attunement and reach my best potential. For the first two years riding with the Kern Wheelmen, I spoke very little to almost nothing. I let no one into life or the internal struggle. Thank you to all who rode alongside me for not giving up. I needed your presence and strength while I was finding mine.

My sons took care of me when I was trying to recover from the divorce while going to work. Thank you for the unconditional love. It felt good to come home to a clean house and cooked meals. I did not have the stress of trying to figure out what to cook. I often came home, and they had taken care of what needed to be done. Your listening ears and understanding helped me get through some difficult times. Thank you for sharing your friends, it was good to have them over our home for meals, guitar lessons, and video games. Do you know, I love you, no matter what.

Kerri Ryan, it always felt good to walk into your store and feel welcomed. Thank you for the support in keeping me on my bike. It was that one thing that helps me fight to heal. I appreciate the gifts; honestly, I was in awestruck that someone would give for no reason but just out of pure kindness.

To the Alliance Against Family Violence and Sexual Assault, thank you for putting me to work. I needed the assurance that I was going to be financially stable to continue pursuing my divorce. I couldn’t open up about the abuse at the time I was working as I was still gripped by fear. I respect the work that you do and look forward to continuing in this line of work. I hope that sharing my story will open more opportunities for survivors to get help. I hope for more support for agencies such as yours.

To CASA of kern, thank you for trusting me with your child. The work that you do is extremely helpful and needed for our vulnerable kids. My experience as an advocate has confirmed that a child needs the voice of a healthy adult. I hope that more funding and assistance is provided for agencies like CASA, so they can continue to help raise emotionally healthy children. Advocates for children are needed to get them through the trials of life. In the book, The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog, by Bruce Perry, MD, Ph.D., stated that research has shown that the most effective treatment to help a child who has experienced trauma is to increase the quality and number of relationships in their life. The child will begin to learn to trust, and with trust, he/she will establish healthy relationships.

Ryan Ibarra at Back2Back Complex Sports. Thank you for the opportunity to work again. I had not been working for several months. Working at your gym gave me a chance to CrossFit, which added to my healing. I feel strong, healthy, and confident.

To Survivors, I am with you. Keep your head up, find people that will stand next to you in your pain. What feels like a never-ending mess will start to get better? Healing is possible, not easy, but possible. Find your courage and RISE.

CHAPTER 1       INTRODUCTION OF MY JOURNEY

After incidents of abuse, I questioned myself about what had happened. I asked if what had just occurred was abuse? My ex-husband clarified those questions. He told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about, that there was no abuse on his part. After telling him how I felt about the abuse that had just taken place, he would say to me, You are a Freak! You are crazy ― that never happened. After hearing him tell me those words and standing his ground, that it never happened, I started to question myself and my sanity ― I felt crazy.

CHAPTER 2       THE STRUGGLE AFTER MY FIRST DIVORCE

My first marriage was abusive, my first ex-husband was always cheating on me and did not respect my boundaries sexually. I became pregnant with my youngest child when I did not want to. I was going to school and working. I thought that I had no right to say no because I was his wife. This is what a wife is obligated to do, Right? Hell No!

After getting educated, I learned that I have the right to say no, regardless of the kind of relationship – spouse, boyfriend, or sexual partner. I learned this after my second marriage. During my first marriage, my husband had several affairs.

I remember when a man called his phone, and I was nearby, so I answered it. He asked to speak to my husband, when I told him he could not come to the phone, he said that my husband was having an affair with his wife. He further explained that all he wanted was for my husband to stop talking to his wife, and he hung up. I told my husband what the man said, and my husband told me that it must have been the wrong number because he had just received a new phone. I believed him, so to speak because I was scared it might be true. Hence, I spoke about it no further.

At one point, I helped him clean up his van.

We took everything out of his work van and put it in our garage. We cut up cardboard to lay it on the floor of his work van. I later found out from his mistress Mary that he was meeting with her in the van and subsequently, had sex in it. I could not believe that he wasn’t moved about his actions, I mean I was helping him get his van ready, just for him to meet with her. We had a good conversation while we were cleaning his van. I remember enjoying my time with him, talking, laughing, and spending time with each other.

We drove to Rancho Cucamonga because he needed to have a paternity test for someone that had taken him to court for child support. It was not his child, so he told me he wasn’t worried because he had been faithful. He looked worried during the drive as he didn’t talk much.

I am not sure if it was the stress of going to school and feeling like I could trust my husband because calls or clues of him cheating would come up. I was pregnant two years after my oldest son Johnny was born. I was having twins. I lost my twins at the beginning of my second trimester. I felt hurt for my babies even if I didn’t get the chance to meet them. They were a part of me, and I was enthusiastically awaiting