The Bouncing Bride

By Craig Strete

Mob boss Don Rodrico Gaspari had a standing rule, which was you don't zotz a guy in a church. Oops, but, it was the only way hitman Alphonse could do his job. Problem was, that made the church a crime scene, which made it impossible to hold the Don's daughter's wedding. Jordana Justina Lucia Mariabella Gaspari was definitely not going to be happy about that--imagine a Sandra Bullock rom-com--so the guys gotta become wedding planners and find another place real quick. Then there's the matter of the groom...

• Language: English
• Publisher: ReAnimus Press
• Release date: Aug 6, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463969854

Craig Strete

Craig Kee Strete is a Native American science fiction writer, noted for his use of American Indian themes.Beginning in the early 1970s, while working in the Film and Television industry, Strete began writing emotional Native American themed, and science fiction short stories and novellas. He is a three-time Nebula Award finalist, for Time Deer, A Sunday Visit with Great-grandfather, and The Bleeding Man.In 1974 Strete published a magazine dedicated to Native American science fiction, Red Planet Earth. His play Paint Your Face On A Drowning In The River was the 1984 Dramatists Guild/CBS New Plays Program first place winner.

Book preview

CHAPTER ONE

Don Rodrico Gaspari had a standing rule which was you don’t zotz a guy in church. Little Frankie Nardo got stitched with a bullet in St. Mary’s church on the seventh of June. It was one of them exceptions to the rule that was a double screw up.

Don Rodrico had sent Alphonse after that skimming bastard Little Frankie Nardo and the only way Alphonse Dibono could get him shot safely was when his bodyguards were out having cigars while Little Frankie was pretending to be a good Catholic in the St Mary’s of Veniza church. Little Frankie knew about the no zotzing in church rule so probably he felt safe.

But it was one of them rush jobs because of the wedding. And it was the wedding of Don Rodrico Gaspari’s only offspring, his daughter Jordana, was how it became a screw up in a big way.

Alphonse was supposed to shoot Little Frankie during the wedding which wasn’t maybe romantic but was you have to admit a hell of an alibi. All Don Rodrico Gaspari’s guys would be there including no less the Don himself so they couldn’t have done the killing, at least that was the plan.

Alphonse forgot to change his watch from Detroit time to New York time and he also didn’t remember Daylight Stupid Time so he was uncoordinated in the extreme. Alphonse could go months forgetting the Daylight Time scam but nobody wanted to tell him his watch was wrong as somebody had said it once to him and Alphonse kneecapped him with a thankless bullet.

The upshot of that being Nardo was shot at ten thirty in the morning in the same church that was supposed to have the wedding at noon. So instead of a mob wedding it was a crime scene with forensics guys and cops by the boatload and that yellow crime scene tape which while decorative isn’t wedding style decorative.

The Don when he found out was furious enough that Alphonse Dibono decided he had to be back in Detroit like right now. Alphonse being an out of town hitter wasn’t in on the wedding planning so he couldn’t have known he was objecting to the wedding by default. He got the hell away before the Don objected to him.

Giving the Don’s temper, the fast exit back to Detroit was a good idea but just barely. The Don did mention that he would like to see Alphonse’s nut sack in a vice grip so it was good that Alphonse’s nut sack was hiding with Alphonse in a cheap motel in Detroit and wasn’t available for vice gripping. At least not yet.

So they had to move the whole wedding to the hotel where the reception was instead.

The never blushing bride was Jordana Justina Lucia Mariabella Gaspari. Well actually, she was Giordanna and not Jordana but she didn’t think it sounded American so she changed it. The Don was mad but she still had four other all Italian names so he just said fuck OK and that was that.

Still it reminded him again, when he had to put that name Jordana on the wedding invites, that his stubborn daughter had a head like a coconut who didn’t want no advice from nobody.

So it was up to Sal Minetti, Don Gaspari’s enforcer to try to fix the new deal with the Hotel Star Regent. Soon as the church was no go, the Don sent him over there. The hotel was a mistake too.

Jordana had picked it out because there was no mob influence and she said she had enough mob influence to last her a lifetime so the hotel had to be strictly legit which the Hotel Star Regent was.

Now it was a problem as putting the screws on the hotel to move the wedding there was proving to be a problem.

First they kept Sal waiting in an office for twenty minutes and then when the hotel guy shows up he is not worth the wait.

My apologies Mr. Minetti. The hotel is rather overbooked at the moment and I’m afraid that what you are asking is frankly impossible.

How big a deal can it be? Money is no object. I mean if you are angling to get greased, OK, it’s no sweat but we gotta have that ballroom.

The guy almost yawned in Minetti’s face. He pretended to study some papers on his desk. He stabbed the forms with one pinky and said, The ballroom is completely out of the question. Let me assure you no additional amount of money can change that. The ballroom is completely booked.

Unbook it.

I couldn’t even if I wanted to. He looked at his watch. There is another wedding, the Roper-Steadman wedding. In fact, in about ten minutes the bride and groom will be walking down the aisle. So you see, with 400 guests, and the wedding just about to begin, certainly you can understand that nothing can be done. The Gaspari wedding reception is scheduled at six tonight. It will take some time to get it ready but we will have ballroom availability at the appointed time. We take our obligation to our guests very seriously.

My boss takes not getting what he wants very seriously. I should mention that.

We’ve been paid for the Roper-Steadman wedding and I am afraid it takes priority over your needs. I do extend my sympathy to the family. I know losing your church venue at the last minute must be quite an ordeal. I only wish that there was something the Hotel Star Regent could do for you.

You don’t know the half of it.

If it would help, I could have my concierge call around and see if another hotel could accommodate you on such short notice.

My boss, Mr. Rodrico Gaspari wants it should be at the hotel where the reception is so it don’t inconvenience his guests.

I am rather afraid they will be inconvenienced.

I think the half I know will change the half you don’t know.

I don’t understand.

I’ll explain it all later.

Really, other than... The hotel man started to say but Sal Minetti was out the door and gone.

Some people have no manners, said the management guy. They simply don’t know how to act.

But Sal did know how to act. He was acting right now on the spot with no rehearsing and it was an almost Academy Award winning performance. He was taking the role of wedding planner and he was moving quick with a couple of muscle guys who were acting like muscle guys as it was type casting.

All the acting happened at the Roper-Steadman wedding.

They had to punch one of the groom’s fraternity brothers to find out where the groom was as he wasn’t in the hotel suite.

After they picked the guy up off the hotel floor and gave him a hanky for the bloody nose which kept right on bleeding, the guy turned out to be super helpful.

The groom is on a secret mission, he said. He ain’t here but I know where he is.

They grabbed him and shoved him into the hallway.

Take us to where he is or Jake will hit you again, said Sal being all business.

Jake Sambuccini was Sal Minetti’s helper and being a former Golden Gloves boxer had done the punching and he had a great left hook.

They scooted down the hall and they got to another room which turned out to be this guy’s room. He used his key real quick because Sal being very impatient kidney punched him to encourage him to go faster. The guy was bent over double but he got the door open and they pushed past him into the room just as this older but attractive woman was opening the bathroom door. She saw the guy and winked at him and held up five fingers and then tapped her wrist where her watch was. It won’t be long, she said, ignoring Jake and Sal altogether. She was all flushed and had a happy-I-am-drunk look on her face. She went in the bathroom and they heard the lock slam behind her.

They looked around but there was no groom.

Sal turned to the guy and gave him a burning look like maybe the guy was having him on.

Who was the broad that just went into the toilet?

It’s the bride’s mother.

Sal Minetti pulled out a gun so Jake pulled out a gun too.

So where’s the groom asshole?

Oh, he’s probably in there, in the bathroom.

The bride’s mother and the groom are in the can together. I don’t get it, said Sal. He turned to Jake. Do you get it.

Jake Sambuccini shrugged. I really don’t get it, so no.

Sal Minetti backed up and then he kicked open the door and then they got it.

The bride’s mother was giving the groom a hand job while he gave her one right back.

It’s a marriage made in heaven, said Sal Minetti with a look of disdain.

He reached in and got the mother of the bride by the hair and tossed her out in the room. She tried to claw him in the face and he didn’t care for that so he hit her in the snoot with one balled up fist and she folded and threw in her consciousness cards.

You could a been a boxer yourself, Sal. That was a great shot, said Jake in admiration as he stared down at the woman stretched out on the carpet.

The groom came shooting out of the bathroom like a scalded cat.

What the hell are you doing! Who do you think you are? he screamed, moving so fast his stuff was tucked away but he hadn’t zipped up all the way.

You should clean your hand with a blowtorch. A broad that old and scaly will probably give you hand cancer, said Sal.

Why you vicious unspeakable...

Sal sapped him. He used the sap because his hand was already sore from punching the old broad. The guy fell to the floor at an OK speed but he was still not out because he groaned and since he was still moving, Sal bent down and sapped him again only this time harder.

You get matching lumps. Consider it a wedding gift. People say I ain’t good at picking out presents, but I think this time I did good.

He got the bride’s mother by one leg and dragged her over by the bed. He got down on his hands and knees and shoved her as far under the hotel bed as he could get. If anybody asks what you’re doing in there, tell them you was looking for dust bunnies, he advised her.

The frat guy was standing there, crouching really more like because of the kidney punch and he started to sneak out. Sal noticed it and grunted to Jake. Take care of him will you.

Jake came up fast, did a one two combination and then finished it with the terrific left he was known for. The guy went down for the count. At the speed with which Jake hit him, he was almost knocked out twice before he hit the carpet.

Now what?

Leave him. The way you hit him he won’t wake up till Thursday.

Jake stared down at his fists. Just like riding a bicycle. Once you learn how to punch a guys lights out, you can always punch his lights out.

Never mind memory lane, grab up the groom and we’ll carry him out.

Jake Sambuccini obeyed and heaved the out like a light groom over his shoulder. He asked Minetti. What are we doing with this guy anyway?

Wedding planning, said Sal. This guy is eloping with his lovely bride and we are setting it up.

Since when are in that business. I never got the word, said Jake.

We been in the business about three minutes already. We’re naturals at it.

Go figure, said Jake who was having a hard time wrapping his head around it. He was having a more hard time making it sense of it by the time he got down to the hotel parking lot and found his job was now stuffing the unconscious groom into the trunk of a battered Toyota Camry. The trunk already had another occupant which surprised Jake Sambuccini a lot.

Hey, there’s a woman in there in a bride dress. What gives?

Sal Minetti laughed. You can’t elope without a bride. He’s the groom, she’s the bride. It all works out.

How come we knocked them out and how come they are eloping in the car trunk? It sounds like a New Jersey thing to me.

In fact, these two are honeymooning in New Jersey. So yeah it’s New Jersey all the way, said Minetti.

Jake slammed the trunk lid.

Now he got it.

You ask me there ain’t nobody in New Jersey what has any style, complained Jake.

What do you mean?

If it was a New York operation. It would have some class. It wouldn’t be a trunk ride in no crappy Toyota it would at least be a Lincoln or a Caddy.

I’ll bring it up if the eloping couple mentions it and complains about the service. Otherwise stop yapping about it and drive the car, said Minetti.

He dug into a pocket and took out a cocktail napkin and handed it to Jake. It had blue ink writing on it.

Here’s the honeymoon route and instructions. Don’t screw it up. Just do like it tells you and you’ll be alright.

And then Minetti left and that was that.

Jake read the instructions. Yeah it sounded like New Jersey even more. All he had to do was drive around in New Jersey for like twenty hours and then open the trunk and dump them two elopers in the woods. There was no zotzing, it was just dumping them, awake or unconscious. Jake thought maybe there honeymoon was they woke up and went for a hike. Maybe it was one of them arranged marriages and both families hated each other. Jake stopped thinking about it cause he knew the answer however dumb could only come down to one thing. He thought his last final thought on the subject.

Forget it Jake, it’s New Jersey.

CHAPTER TWO

The Gaspari wedding guests wore enough gold jewelry they could qualify as a Swiss Bank. There were very expensive suits hanging on well fleshed bodies and elegant high name designer clothes on some very attractive women. These couples stood out in the crowd like pieces of artwork in a gallery.

But the majority of the wedding guests were occupying bad suits that fell off a truck. The men had sharp faces even if they was fat and were styled with greased down hair if they had hair. Completing the set were overly developed, very chesty women also badly dressed in a style one should hope had never been in fashion because it wasn’t now.

The guests were all confused because they had been to the church where the wedding wasn’t and now they were at the hotel in their church clothes which was not the same as the wedding reception clothes so it was a style mess.

And also they were waiting in the lobby because they had been told the room wasn’t ready. This made no sense since what numbskull was dumb enough to keep Don Rodrico Gaspari waiting for anything. So they were all in the dark and felt inconvenienced but knew not to complain.

While they were all down there in the lobby, it was Sal Minetti’s sad but convincing duty to march into the ballroom of the Roper Steadman wedding and make it not the Roper Steadman wedding.

He announced this by revealing the startling fact that the bride and groom had eloped. They were not in the hotel and on behalf of the hotel, the policy was, a room could not be tied up for a wedding that wasn’t a wedding.

This was news to the Ropers and the Steadmans and they did not take the news well. Hard to say if they were more upset about losing the room than losing the wedding couple. Anyway Sal Minetti’s thoughts that the eloping news would hustle them out quick didn’t go so quick.

There was a lot of complaining and moaning and crying from some women and men in suits were coming up to Sal and trying to give him the business.

Sal Minetti took if for a minute or two. Some people were leaving the ballroom but not quick enough.

He motioned with his hands and a couple of them muscle guys who had been typecast as muscle guys in the evening’s performance came up fast. Sal bent over and whispered something in Luigi Sesterno’s ear. Luigi was the point man in the muscle crew. He was built like a snow plow and he was all muscle. Even his head looked like a muscle.

He got hold of a bridesmaid by using her hair as one handle and a well gripped crotch as the other. He hoisted her over his head, well it hurt like hell, so yeah, she screamed and he marched across the room, went to the ballroom door and threw her out into the hallway.

He turned and faced the crowd. Unless you want the same thing done to you, you should leave now.

This had the desired effect.

They left