The Mother-of-the-Bride Book: Giving Your Daughter A Wonderful Wedding (Updated Edition)

By Sharon Naylor

Congratulations! Your daughter's getting married! Once the initial excitement of the announcement wears off, it's time to get busy as you begin planning for the big day.

This invaluable guide is chockful of the ice and ideas you need to help make your daughter's wedding truly special--everything from putting together a guest list designing a seating chart, to throwing engagement party and finding the perfect wedding dress.

Plus, there are tips for staying within a budget, a guide to the dos and don'ts of being the official hostess, reminders about the countless details that can't be overlooked, and for times when the stress of it really gets to you, you'll even find in these pages some simple calm-down exercises that really work. Here's the resource you need to fulfill one of the most important roles of your life--and create cherished memories that will last forever.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Citadel Press
• Release date: Apr 28, 2015
• ISBN: 9780806537665

Sharon Naylor

An Adams Media author.

Book preview

Part One

Wedding Planning Essentials

1

Your Role as Mother of the Bride

O

NCE THE INITIAL EXCITEMENT

of the announcement wears off, you’ll start to realize that Mother of the Bride is not just a title. It’s an actual role with a list of responsibilities and dos and don‘ts. There’s much more to it than just looking lovely in a pale pink dress in the first row at the ceremony.

So just what’s involved in the new title that’s been bestowed upon you? What exactly is your role as mother of the bride? Unfortunately, it’s not always as clear-cut as that of the bride or the groom. The details of the position vary widely from wedding to wedding: some mothers run the show, from making financial decisions to choosing colors to drawing up the bulk of the guest list. Some hand over a blank check and show up smiling on the wedding day. Some just show up smiling on the wedding day.

Clearly, a major break has occurred in recent times from the traditional role of the mother of the bride. Bridal guidebooks from past decades list the jobs that were to be taken on by the mother of the bride. If you look at a 1950s guidebook, the list is tremendously long. Today’s bridal guidebooks and bridal magazines offer the following list, always with the caveat that the selections are purely optional. The list is merely a jumping-off point, with individual duties to be discussed by the bride and her mom.

Traditional Responsibilities of the Mother of the Bride

Help plan the details of the ceremony and reception

Assist in choosing the bridal gown and trousseau

Help choose the wedding vendors—caterers, photographers, florists, and so forth

Help choose the guest list and design the seating chart

Record wedding gifts

Record invitation responses

Choose her own wedding wardrobe

Communicate with the mother of the groom on complementary wedding wardrobe

Communicate with the father of the bride on the details of the wedding

Communicate with the groom’s family on the details of the wedding

Serve as official hostess at the reception

Offer support and guidance to the bride

This, believe it or not, is not the 1950s list. Variations of it appear in every wedding magazine as today’s standard. However, no bride wants to be bound by this list, as if it dictated hard-and-fast rules to live by. The bride may choose to handle recording her gifts or selecting caterers on her own. The list, then, should not be viewed as a See, it says it right here. This is my job contract. The bride will not agree, and you’ll only foster resentment. The list is merely a guide to consult with the bride so that decisions can be made about your role on an individual basis.

Customs have changed since the time when you were married and have certainly changed even more since the old days before your time. If you think about who, historically, has been in control of weddings, you’ll see that in Western society, control over a marriage was initially in the hands of the father. In ancient and medieval times, the daughter would be virtually sold off to a suitable man. Deals were made, perhaps some cattle was exchanged. In those days, marriage was a matter of survival. Families were formed to create a cooperative entity, in which the man hunted or farmed, and the woman managed the home and cared for the children. Entire communities had a role in choosing and arranging marriage partners. As time went on, and as we as a people progressed and advanced, couples began to choose one another, and the marriage was formed with the help—not the ultimate control—of the family.

If you look back to movies of the 1950s and 1960s, weddings were a big deal, and the parents’ role in the marriage was emphasized. Think about the original version of Father of the Bride. (That’s the Spencer Tracy/Elizabeth Taylor version, not the Steve Martin remake.) While the father stressed the details of the wedding, it was the mother who supported the bride and helped her make her decisions. There, too, the family’s help was noted.

In the 1970s, we had weddings on our favorite soap operas and sitcoms. The mother of the bride was portrayed as a sack of nerves, often caricatured as a runaway mom with a garish clothing ensemble. This poking of fun, once it shows up on television, is a commentary on the times. In that decade, the mother of the bride maintained her role as keeper of the family and all things domestic, and the daughter’s wedding fell under her particular domain.

In the 1980s, money flowed. Now, more than ever, weddings became lavish affairs, and with all that extra cash, the mother and father of the bride could afford to give their daughter a far better wedding than they had had themselves. It was a decade of decadence, and in many ways people were measured by the toys they had; the creation of a drop-dead gorgeous wedding was more a statement of the parents’ position than of the bride’s and groom’s wishes.

In the 1990s, the mother and father of the bride have fallen even further behind in the category of control. Now, more than ever, men and women have equal status in the working world, and they are perhaps far more independent in their own rights before marriage. They wait longer after college to tie the knot, and their own self-sufficiency undercuts the parental control that existed in previous decades.

As time went on, the parents’ control has faded in most situations. Traditions of old, which used to prescribe that the bride’s family would pay for—and thus control most of—the wedding, are just as often the exception as the rule nowadays. Not all Moms and Dads shell out big bucks for the big day, as more and more couples opt to pay for their own weddings. In some cases, depending upon the financial status of both families and the couple, and depending upon mutually agreed-on arrangements, the groom’s family covers all costs. Basically, anything goes.

Your role, then, may be completely traditional or else totally unique. And you may be powerless to influence which way it goes. The bride and groom hold all the cards, and you will have to wait to see which category they choose.

Whatever your level of involvement and control, you’re still the mother of the bride. You’re still your daughter’s confidante and cheerleader, support system, and cold-feet warmer. In many ways, yours is considered the backbone role of the wedding. A wedding is an emotional time for everyone involved, but for the bride it is also a time of adjustment. Her entire life is about to change, and she senses that. If she has been living self-sufficiently, the idea of sharing a home with the man she loves may be frightening. Or it may be her first time living on her own—a double adjustment. If she has lived with her fiance before marriage, perhaps simply the change in her title to that of wife can be overwhelming. To her, the image of wife may have been formed by pictures she’s seen in movies and on television. More than one bride has had a panic attack about someday winding up in a fuzzy bathrobe and curlers, yelling at her husband about the toilet seat being left up. The words ball and chain, tossed around in jest by relatives, will hit a nerve with her. She has probably just become familiar with who she is after childhood, college, and her entry into the real world, and now she faces a new leap into another dimension. These issues prey upon her mind, and she needs you to assure her that she can handle whatever comes. She also needs you to assure her that she has what it takes to make her marriage work, and that she can—and should—remain in her old identity even as part of a married couple. She needs you to assuage her fears so that she can enjoy this process.

You are not only preparing a wedding, you are preparing your daughter for this big change in her life.

What about the change in MY life? Yes, your daughter getting married means that your life, too, will change, and it is important for you to realize several things. First, forget about wailing, My baby is going away! She hasn’t been a baby, much less your baby, for a long time. Granted, seeing your daughter in a wedding gown brings back memories of her playing dress-up bride at six years old, and you long for the days when she was small and, let’s face it, completely dependent on you. But she’s a grown woman now, and if you haven’t adjusted to that yet, it’s time to start. You also have a new son-in-law coming into the picture. Your daughter loves him, so no matter how you feel about him, if you haven’t yet accepted him as one of your own, it’s time to do that now—for your daughter’s sake.

Your daughter getting married doesn’t mean you’re getting older. You would be the same age today if your daughter remained single. Her life change doesn’t catapult you into senior-citizen status. Too many mothers look at their daughters’ weddings as a tearing-away, a pronouncement of ending. It is not. It is, rather, a new beginning for her, and for you. It is an opportunity for you to allow her to assume a new role and learn all kinds of new things that you have learned over the years. Your best approach, then, is not to hold her back from this wonderful new adventure. She will sense your uneasiness, and that will only compound her fears. The best thing you can do is show her how genuinely happy you are for her, lead by your example, and assure her that she should enjoy this time.

You’ve raised a wonderful, intelligent daughter who is strong enough to handle this transition, no matter how frightened she is to look over the cliff’s edge at this big leap. As the mother bird, you know she must leave the nest, so it is your job to give her a supportive nudge, smile, and watch her take flight.

And so the stage is set for the big sand trap that faces all mothers of brides: I know I’m supposed to be there for support—that, I get—but just how much involvement and control do I have in the details? How much can I do without stepping on toes? Where does my role begin and end in the fun stuff?

Among circles of brides and soon-to-be-brides, the biggest horror stories revolve around the Runaway Mother of the Bride. She’s the mom who took over virtually all aspects of the planning, who threw guilt trips like showers of rice, who tearfully cried, when confronted by a stressed-out bride and groom, It’s my wedding, too! She may seem like a cartoon to you now, as you are not deeply mired in the sticky web of etiquette and great aunts who’d take offense at that song played at the reception. Just remind yourself every now and then—for your sake and the bride’s—not to turn into the Runaway Mother of the Bride. Or your daughter may bitterly talk about you like this someday:

My mom not only changed the colors of the reception decorations, she did it because they would clash with HER dress.

—Melanie, bride

I wasn’t allowed to invite any of my college friends or coworkers. All I heard from my mother was I’m paying for it, so we invite my friends.

—Jenna, bride

If I didn’t have as much pride as I do, I’d drag the woman onto a talk show.

—Traci, bride

My out-of-control mom ruined my whole wedding. I wish I could do it all over again.

—Anne, bride

Think about these brides’ quotes before you clash with your daughter over something as simple as the lettering on the cocktail napkins. Flip back to these pages every now and then and think about how you want your daughter to feel during the planning of her wedding, during the wedding itself, and for years afterward.

Remember, ultimately, you’re there to assist, not to take over—even if you are paying for the wedding. You’re there to see your little girl become a bride. You’re there to nod your teary-eyed approval when she tries on that perfect gown. You’re there to take the burden off her when she does need you to take over a few small tasks. Perhaps she’s still in school and is in the depths of studying for finals. She’ll need you to finalize some orders for her wedding, just weeks away. She’ll need you to do the roundup work, to help her out and lighten the load a little. And then she’ll also need you to hand the reins back to her when she’s ready for them.

She’ll need you to respect her wishes, to be diplomatic when you really want to scream, and to put up with all the stops and starts without driving her crazy about them, too.

Mostly, your daughter needs you to be there.

It’s nice just to be able to participate in the decisions, when asked. The ultimate decisions are the bride’s and groom’s, but I’m here to support them, whatever they choose

—Anna, mother of the bride

What I appreciated most was that Mom was a good listener. Even when she didn’t agree, she kept it in her mind that it was our big day, and that we were just trying to work out what we wanted. She was there for us completely, and I’ll always remember that.

—Jen, bride

2

Working With Others

C

ONSIDER YOURSELF THE

G

OODWILL

A

MBASSADOR

of the wedding party. During the planning of every little detail, you’ll find yourself dealing with many, many people—from the groom’s family to the bridal party to the professionals who will cater, take pictures, and so on. A great part of your job is to coordinate these people, to light fires under them, if need be. If this sounds like grunt work, so be it. Your daughter has a million details to worry about, so you’ll help her tremendously by keeping the waters flowing.

Communicating With the Bride

We’ll start by working with the bride, since that’s the major part of your role. You’re there to consult with, to support, and to help out when the bride’s two hands are not enough. The most successful mother-daughter teams begin the whole process with a sit-down talk, to discuss exactly what’s expected in their partnership.

I was a little bit nervous about how my mom would take it when I told her I wanted her role to be limited, but we went out to lunch, just the two of us, and talked it out. She was great.

—Lindsey, bride

Your daughter, too, will be nervous about setting up any parameters, but you can ease her burden by asking her exactly what she would like you to do. Have her compose lists in the following categories.

1. Duties that will be solely your responsibility, perhaps booking the limos

2. Tasks she would like your help with, such as choosing her gown, going for fittings, and constructing the guest list

3. Activities that are not your domain, such as planning the honeymoon or choosing the menu

Of course, in the beginning of this process, the bride may not have all of the bases covered. During the wedding’s unfolding, issues and tasks will come up that she may not have covered in her original lists, so assure her now that she’s free to add, delete, or move things on these lists. This is not a one-time-only contract, and you should not be offended if your daughter chooses to remove one of your responsibilities. Promise her that you’ll abide by her wishes, and this is just a step that she can take to assert her own wishes.

Your daughter will appreciate, more than you realize, that you respect her enough to ask for this input. With this very preliminary step, you give her the message, loud and clear, that you have no intentions of running her over or overruling her. You are setting a good foundation for your partnership, removing some of her fears, and putting her at ease.

Communication is key, the one thing that will make the planning process go smoothly, that will prevent fights, resentment, and bitterness. It’s up to both of you to learn to work together now, even if you never could before. It may not be easy, but for this special time you have to make it work.

To begin with, it’s important that you and your daughter establish a time to check in with each other on the issues and tasks that you have to discuss. Avoid becoming a nag, though. Don’t call every day with questions, details, and gripes. Respect your daughter’s schedule, her down time, and her personal life. Perhaps you can arrange a once–a–week call for updates or questions. (Some moms and daughters communicate via e-mail.) If you agree on the once–a–week schedule, with understood exceptions for emergencies, whether yours or hers, keep a spiral notebook handy in which you can make all your notes. This will be your communications handbook, where you will record everything that needs to be run by your daughter. Having one notebook like this is the best way to be organized and efficient. Date your entries so that all matters can be discussed at the right time. Here, you will also record your daughter’s instructions to you.

Communicating With the Bridal Party

Don’t be surprised if you land in the position of having to push the bridal party to set deadlines. Those individuals are in the middle of their own lives. They’re not in the center of the action, so to speak, so your getting their shoe sizes may not seem urgent to them. All it takes is a quick phone call or a polite note explaining that you’re on a deadline and could they please send that information as soon as possible?

Since I didn’t want a confrontation, I just called the bridesmaids at home when I knew they’d be at work. I left messages on their