Hysterically Historical: December

By Daniel Paul Davis

Read history and laugh at the foolishness of those afflicting you with their malarkey. The more you read, the more you know. The more you laugh at the movers and shakers, the less likely you will be to join a revolution (lest you become a Shaker.)

December 1, 2016
NFL Running Back Joseph Nathan McKnight dies of lead poisoning (b. 04/16/1988.) [Specifically, he apparently cuts off one Ronald Gasser in Terrytown, LA. Angry Mr. Gasser gives chase, catches up, and Mr. McKnight makes the mistake of waiting for Mr. Gasser to approach his vehicle. Mr. Gasser shoots someone inarguably more famous, more well-liked, and darker-skinned than he. Police wait 5 days to indict Mr. Gasser; when they do, “manslaughter” (I’d have guessed 1st Degree, but I’m no lawyer.) Sheriff Newell Normand tells us this amidst so much profanity, MSNBC cuts out of there.]
(See October 6, 1988) Staphandlers on the NY Subway watch as 3 men accost Moslem lass Yasmin Seweid, chant “Donald Trump,” and tell her to go back (to Egypt.) [1st, Facebook: “I was harassed on the subway last night. And it was just so dehumanizing I can’t speak about it without getting emotional.” 2nd, out with a “Christian” friend drinking booze and needing to put off dear ol’ dad. “Nothing happened, and there was no victim” (Police.) Punchline: 3 years ago, brother Abdoul did the same thing for the same reason. Why does she now face jailtime? Dad made her shave her head.]

December 1, 2017
“While I 100% support more transparency with respect to claims against members of Congress, I can neither confirm nor deny that settlement involved my office as the Congressional Accountability Act prohibits me from answering that question” (Rep. Blake Farenthold, TX-R.) [Liar. HE is the guy who used the Office of Compliance account to settle sexual harassment charges: $84,000 (Broadrick got 10x that.) Yes, if he ‘fesses up here, he’ll need to ‘fess up everywhere—or quit (what a plan!)]
New Jersey Regional Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force and agencies spend 9 months to tell of 79 arrests (ages 14-75) on minor-aged sexual assault + pornography charges. [One of the arrested WAS a “youth minister,” but I’m more intrigued that the Craigslist-ad-email-and-text-with-minor tactic is still used after that many were already arrested for the “minor” being a cop. They are not only criminals; they are STUPID criminals. We still need fear the smart ones.]

See what I mean?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Daniel Paul Davis
• Release date: Jun 25, 2019

Daniel Paul Davis

2 earned degrees + 3 teaching credentials (I won't call those "earned") = knowing more than I should about a sizeable clutch of useless stuff. However, after 25 years in education, I know 2 things about education: 1) How to teach. 2) No principal wants me to actually teach. Bonus 3) They want students indoctrinated. Thus, I write. "Do you have a degree in ___________?" Nope. I have 2 degrees in English, which means I know 2 things: 1) How to read. 2) How to research. Bonus 3) I remember what I read (why do you think I majored in English?!) Thus, the work I have here presented: researching the history was not that difficult, nor was winnowing out the frou-frou. Especially easy is seeing what is frou-frou. Gossip: Married; 3 daughters, all adult; 1 grandchild; 1 worthless, illegal alien, lying ex-son-in-law; empty bank account; full belly. If I ever have a full bank account, I plan to fast.

Book preview

Hysterically Historical

December

Daniel Paul Davis

Table of Contents

December 1

World AIDS Day [Practice safe sex: ignore the person completely]

Portugal’s Restoration of Independence Day [See 1640]

Costa Rica’s Military Abolition Day [See 1821]

Ancient Latvia’s Barbes Diena

Romania’s National Day of Romania [Marking the union of Transylvania with Romania (see 1918 for when they really wanted to suck blood)]

Angola's Pioneers' Day

December 1, 1167

Representatives from Verona, Padua, Vicenza, Venice, Crema, Cremona, Mantua, Piacenza, Bergamo, Brescia, Milan, Genoa, Bologna, Modena, Reggio Emilia, Treviso, Vercelli, Lodi, and Parma meet at Pontida, Italy to form the Lombard League. [3⅔ centuries later, Italians perceive a need to nullify Holy Roman Emperor Frederick I, who’s trying to assert his August, Imperial influence over Italy. The problem is obvious: HE’S GERMAN! Who thought a German should be ruling Italy, I don’t know.]

December 1, 1420

Henry V of England enters Paris. [He marries the French king’s daughter, Catherine of Valois; she gives birth to Henry VI (who loses everything Henry V gains, for the best payback by a conquered people, ever); Henry V then dies of dysentery, and English rule of France with him. All those eggs were in that basket and Henry drops it. Oh, and ENGLISH King Henry V never speaks any French.]

December 1, 1640

Portugal regains independence from Spain; João IV of Portugal becomes king. [But you don’t understand, it’s 1 peninsula so it should be 1 nation. What’s wrong with us (besides pronouncing everything incorrectly.) Portugal spends some years proving that independence; Spain won’t admit it until 12 years after João IV dies. Political folks are stubborn like that.]

December 1, 1761

Anna Maria (Marie) Tussaud Grosholtz is born in Strasbourg, France (d. 04/16/1850.) [Later, as the French creator of wax sculptures, she is more famously known as Madame Tussaud. She cleans house for a doctor using wax figures to teach anatomy. Unlike most, she pays attention + learns. Arrested during the French Reign of Terror, she makes nice by making death masks of the notorious executed (not herself.) Serve the murderer, somehow, and you might live to talk about it.]

December 1, 1768

Slave ship Fredensborg sinks off Tromøy, Norway. [Originally, it was the slave-ship Cron Prindz Christian. Bought, renamed, and re-sailed on a different route, it meets a storm made of stronger stuff than it can dream of being. Then Leif Svalesen discovers it September 1974 (I knew I left that thing somewhere around here.) The Africans on board are probably not used to Norway’s waters.]

December 1, 1821

Costa Ricans assemble and publish the 1st Costa Rican Constitution (Pacto Social Fundamental Interino de Costa Rica.) [At this point, it’s technically an autonomous province under Spain. But it acts independent, both of Spain and of everyone else around them arguing and fighting. By 1949, Costa Ricans wrangle both a new & improved Constitution and no military (they replace it with an Army of Teachers.) That’ll attract the tourist dollars (well, that and booze.)]

December 1, 1822

Dom Pedro I is crowned Emperor of Brazil. [Why not? He’s already been reigning since Columbus Day (which also happens to be his birthday.) He loves his distant, inattentive father and refers to mom as a female dog (using the 1 syllable word for that.) Careful with that argument; the children are listening; when mom is older, they still remember. Only when wife Maria Leopoldina dies does he realize he’s a jerk.]

December 1, 1824

The U.S. Presidential election of 1824 becomes the House of Representatives’ problem. [A deadlock forms between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, William H. Crawford, and Henry Clay. See February 9, 1825. As stipulated by the Twelfth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. Adams wins. Never mind Jackson’s more votes because not all states vote by citizens. J. Q. Adams is bald; Andrew Jackson is not; this how we know there’ll be hell toupee.]

December 1, 1835

Hans Christian Andersen publishes his 1st book of fairy tales. [He’s already published The Improvisatore to much fame. These cultural stories, cleaned up for children, make him even more popular. He’s the knight slaying the dragon adultism, freeing literature for children. His work is so influential that hypnotizing movies are required to begin undoing it.]

December 1, 1847

British railway companies establish the 1st time zone: Railway Time. [Greenwich Mean Time shows up later as a more universal label. The real motivation (see November 18, 1883) is to get the customer to stop whining about the train being late (We’re not late; your watch is wrong.) London and Northwestern + Caledonian are 1st on board. 6 more join next month. Eventually, we’ll go so fast that our watch will be wrong, whatever we do.]

December 1, 1860

Charles Dickens publishes his 1st Great Expectations installment in All the Year Round. [All the Year Round runs the years between 1859 – 1895, so that’s easy to remember, replacing Household Words because that publisher was being pesky. This becomes a family operation. Another big change is wisely ignoring those colonists and their ridiculous civil war (Am not. Are too.) This novel goes 20 months, then is published as 1 item . . . in 3 volumes. The beginning of vacation reading.]

December 1, 1864

President Abraham Lincoln reaffirms in his State of the Union Address the necessity of ending slavery. [Which he not-coincidentally had outlawed 10 weeks earlier with the Emancipation Proclamation. See September 22, 1862. John Quincy Adams had predicted that with independence, the South would only see an unending series of slave revolts; in other words, folks would die anyway. Get it over with.]

December 1, 1866

George Everest dies (b. 07/04/1790.) [Born in Wales, he’s a surveyor and cartographer. In 1865, Andrew Waugh names Mt. Everest after him (he objects much, not thinking it a privilege.) So start calling it Qomolangma instead; Mr. Everest would like that.]

December 1, 1867

Johann Herbeck conducts the 1st 3 (of 6) movements of Johannes Brahms’ Ein deutsches Requiem, nach Worten der heiligen Schrift ("A German Requiem, To Words of the Holy Scriptures") inVienna. [Sacred, not liturgical, but more to the point, in German, not Latin. It’s his longest work (up to 80 minutes if the conductor takes his time at it.) The text is still from the Bible (back then, folks knew which books to take seriously.) Others say this is Brahms’ 1st lullaby.]

December 1, 1884

Deputy sheriff Elfego Baca withstands 40 (no, 80!) Texan cowboys aiming to liberate Charles McCarthy. [Not Edgar Bergen’s Charlie McCarthy, but 1 drunk cowboy indiscriminately firing his weapon (which Elfego keeps.) Punchline 1: he’s only 19 when he faces down 40-80 armed men unscathed; punchline 2: he deputizes himself with a mail-order badge. He finally dies in 1945.]

December 1, 1897

Muir Mackenzie signs Letters of Patent annexing Zululand to Natal. [Most have this on 12/30. That’s when this decree takes effect. The theft happens ~1 month, earlier, 1 continent away. Nation-building, he? The U.K. absorbs Natal (and gets a prize in every package.)]

December 1, 1904

St. Louis’ Louisiana Purchase Exposition closes after 7 months + ~20,000,000 visitors. [The movie Meet Me in St. Louis is some soap opera plot points focused on this event. Yes, yes, the purchase is in 1803—they wait another year to enable other states & nations to participate. Sue ‘em if you want, but inclusion is much more important than historical accuracy (right?)]

December 1, 1909

Having originated the idea of saving for capitalism’s high holy day earlier in the year, the Carlisle, PA Pennsylvania Trust Company disburses its Christmas Club accounts to ~350 customers. [They have an average of $28/customer, which in 1909 is some serious St. Nick swag. It’s later sold as a way to teach children self-reliance and the savings habit. Not if we help the economy spending it on trinkets.]

December 1, 1913

Gulf Refining Co. opens the 1st drive-in automobile service station in Pittsburgh. [They also offer free maps (tho without a map, one would burn more fuel and buy more of their product looking for the correct location; they’re generous like that.)]

Ford Motor Co. begins using a new movable assembly line. [Thus begins the age of mass production. The worker stands here and does the same thing. What he used to do is neither here nor there. 1 thing over many things = easier to train for a lower wage. Continuous motion decreases the time required to make a car from 750 minutes to 93 minutes: 12½ hours to 1½ = 11 hours to do something else (make more cars?) Thus, the assembly line’s born barely in time for WWI (tanks a lot.)]

International politics admits what the Cretans had already said: they’re part of Greece. [Greece had fought off Turkey from the 1st Balkan war and obtained self-rule, which might be why they’re skittish. Crete might be the largest of the Greek islands, but it’s not large enough for the coming war. The 1898 Turkish massacre of Cretans might’ve influenced their choice, can’t tell. One of themselves, even a prophet of their own, said, The Cretians are alway liars, evil beasts, slow bellies (Titus 1:12.) What if this is merely another of their lies?]

December 1, 1917

Bolsheviks seize control of Russian military headquarters at Mogilev. [See December 2, 1917 for what they do with this power.]

December 1, 1918

Iceland becomes a sovereign state, yet remains a part of the Danish kingdom. [They’ve the oldest continuous constitution on the planet. The interesting part is that, while Iceland has always been icy, Greenland used to be green. Knowing how to handle problems = longevity (volcanoes included.)]

Transylvania unites with Romania, following the April 9 incorporation of Bessarabia and November 28 incorporation of Bukovina. [So when Bram Stoker wrote of Count Dracula originating in Transylvania, he does not mean Romania. He means that province beyond the woods. He still vants to suck your blood, whatever country he’s from.]

The Kingdom of Slovenes, Croats, and Serbs (later known as the Kingdom of Yugoslavia) is proclaimed. [International recognition happens July 13, 1922. The Yugo happens October 2, 1978. The whole thing implodes in civil war, beginning June 26, 1991. Ordering humans to kiss and make up never works. The person always feels as if he’s actually making a kiss-up.]

December 1, 1919

Lady Astor is sworn in as the 1st female member of the British Parliament. [Her clout is by being 2 things a politician must be: acceptable (her morals are similar to early 20th century British morality) and different (an American honesty.) She could be independent without yanking their chain.]

December 1, 1921

(See July 2, 1919) U.S. Navy LCDR Ralph F. Wood flies the 1st non-rigid dirigible (blimp) using helium. [The C-7 flies from Hampton Roads, VA to Washington D.C., remaining in Army use to train and locate submarines (the latter especially important in ~20 years, give or take a week.) An earlier C-Type blimp inflated with hydrogen did a Hindenburg and exploded in front of ~200 people while landing. They deflate the helium blimps, anyway, for some weird reason (birthday party next week?)]

December 1, 1926

Ontario, Canada votes government control on liquor sales. [When the alternative is complete prohibition of alcohol sales, any government oversight is better than no alcohol at all (so they say.)]

December 1, 1934

On Josef Stalin’s orders, Leonid Nikolayev assassinates Politburo member Sergei Kirov (b. 03/27/1886.) [Assassinations are used as excuses to remove enemies; in this case, the Great Terror (1935 to 1939), with 800,000 executed, 8,500,000+ arrested. Tragically, those numbers are paltry compared to the 47,000,000+ dead from Stalin’s collectivization and other purges.) Joe Steel, indeed. Subsequent show trials include confessing to complicity in this pre-arranged crime: judicial theater (only this version combines Judge Judy with The Running Man.)]

December 1, 1935

Film director, actor, and comedian Allen Stewart Königsberg is born in The Bronx, NY. [Later, as Woody Allen, he obtains fame and some notoriety. He also plays the clarinet in a jazz band. Then he goes and marries his adopted daughter and ruins everything (it’s not funny anymore.)]

Singer Lou Rawls is born in Chicago, IL (d. 01/06/2006.) [Another musician’s coincidence. Like many early 20th century darker-skinned singers, he starts in the local church (which is how he met Sam Cooke and Curtis Mayfield.) Soul is truth, .. no matter where it comes from, no matter how it is presented (Lou Rawls, 1968.) And here all this time we we’ve been told Beauty is truth, truth beauty. Apparently, my English teachers lied to me.]

December 1, 1938

Salt Lake City, UT hosts Farrold Silcox driving his fogged-windows schoolbus of 39 12 to 18-year olds thru a blizzard’s white-out to Jordan H.S. [He stops at the railroad crossing like he’s supposed to, sees nothing coming (shorten that sentence, and proceeds into the path of the 50-car Flying Ute. 25 students, 1 bus driver dead. Since if he’d opened the door on that blizzard, he might’ve heard the train, bus drivers now must always open the door on every railroad crossing. 1959’s Children Are Not Expendable Act of 1959 law did away with sending a passenger out to also check the tracks.]

December 1, 1939

Golfer Lee Buck Trevino (Super Mex) is born in Dallas, TX. [He learns and practices golfing as a caddy, then joins the Marines and makes himself a golf partner (says he got promoted that way.) He’d play games with wagers on them with some ridiculous handicap (shovel and Dr. Pepper bottle?) and he’d win anyway. Then he’s hit by lightning in 1975. More than coincidence?]

December 1, 1940

Actor and comedian Richard Franklin Lennox Thomas Pryor is born in Peoria, IL (d. 12/10/2005.) [Whatever else his failings and crimes, he broke the comedy barrier wedged open by Bill Cosby. He also managed to make the epithet nigger funny, which is quite the trick. He tries to destroy his cachet with drugs, so another comedian puts out an album mocking him right back: score settled.]

December 1, 1941

Fiorello H. LaGuardia signs Administrative Order 9 and creates the Civil Air Patrol. [By April 1943, it’s placed under Army Air Forces jurisdiction (he’s right that it’ll be useful for the military.) See July 1, 1946. They function somewhat as a combined Coast Guard and Air Force, being observant while flying. Membership includes learning, but not UFO spotting.]

December 1, 1942

Nationwide U.S. gasoline rationing takes effect. [We spend only a year realizing supplies are being imported across hostile oceans. Called on to sacrifice for a known (agreed) purpose, Americans are quite happy to comply so they can ream others who appear to slack off. Here’s a comb; do your part.]

December 1, 1943

President Roosevelt, British Prime Minister Winston Churchill, and Soviet leader Josef Stalin conclude their Tehran conference. [Reaffirming their previous goal (see October 30, 1943), which meeting calls for an early establishment of an international organization to maintain peace and security. That they leave without assassinations testifies to effective Soviet spying (funny how we ever trusted them.)]

December 1, 1945

Actress and singer Bette Midler is born in Honolulu HI. [She learns in Hawaii, gets a bit part in the movie Hawaii, then uses that money to go to New York (?), freeze, and begin her career in singing by getting a gig in a bathhouse . . . where she meets Barry Manilow playing piano. He produces her 1st album and the rest is her story (But you got to have friends . . .)]

December 1, 1947

Wickedest man in the world Aleister Crowley dies in Hastings (d. 10/12/1875.) [He writes, For nearly all purposes, human sacrifice is best while teaching his Law of Thelema: Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Crowley also appears on the cover of Beatles' Sgt. Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band. Later, Jimmy Page buys his bookshop. Popular guy (wickedness is like that.)]

December 1, 1948

Speaking of death’s mystery, the Mystery of the Somerton Man begins. [A.k.a., the Taman Shud case for the scrap of paper in his pocket bearing taman shud, Persian for ended. He sure is. That ends up being torn from a copy of The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam. Police get the copy it’s torn from: inside is a phone # + code. He’s dead, but from what poison no one knows; who he is, no one knows; suicide or murder, no one knows. Switched his Kensitas brand cigarettes? That’s low AND mean.]

December 1, 1949

Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar is born in Rionegro, Antioquia, Colombia (d. 12/02/1993.) [There’s a movie about trying to hunt him down. Being elected as a deputy/alternate representative to the Chamber of Representatives of Colombia's Congress doesn’t help. Then Forbes magazine names him the 7th-richest man in the world (unsure whether that helped or hurt.)]

December 1, 1951

Bassist Jaco Pastorius is born in Norristown, PA (d. 09/21/1987.) [He’s bipolar and his death is his penalty for losing a fight with a club bouncer unwilling to let him in. But 1st, there’s hospital and coma. Helping himself to drugs + alcohol doesn’t help himself at all. John Patitucci has similar music without the tragic ending.]

December 1, 1952

The New York Daily News reports the 1st successful sexual reassignment operation. [For Christine Jorgensen. This isn’t the 1st attempt (that distinction belongs to Berlin’s Lili Elbe, who dies during the 1930’s procedure. Additionally, one could call ancient castration a sexual reassignment. The main character in The Rocky Horror Picture Show is Dr. Frank N. Furter; the doctor guiding Ms. Jorgensen is Dr. Christian Hamburger. That’s probably not a coincidence.]

December 1, 1955

Darker-skinned seamstress Rosa Parks refuses to surrender her seat to a paler-skinned man on a Montgomery, AL city bus. [Mrs. Parks is arrested, photographed (her booking photo is viewable online), and released. A year-long darker-skinned citizens’ bus boycott results, and succeeds famously: integrate or go bankrupt. She gets perpetual security guards for the death threats (d. 10/04/2005 of natural causes, age 92.) Grow up.]

December 1, 1957

3 rock and roll acts debut on the Ed Sullivan Show: the Rays (Silhouettes), Buddy Holly & the Crickets (That'll Be the Day, Peggy Sue), + Sam Cooke (You Send Me, For Sentimental Reasons.) 1 of those 3 fades into the obscure background of what might have been if they’d only worked at it.]

December 1, 1958

An arson trash fire spreads across Our Lady of Angels Elementary School in Chicago. [3 nuns, 92 students dead (many by leaping to their deaths when smoke closes the exit.) The school’s in legal compliance with 1958 fire codes; this event changes those codes (at least legislators admit they’d not yet done enough work.) Perhaps part of their code should include being cold.]

French colony Oubangui-Chari becomes an autonomous territory in the French Community and changes its name to The Central African Republic. [Independence from France happens later (08/13/1960.) The original name’s from the 2 rivers whose basins are most of the country. Arable land, uranium, crude oil, gold, diamonds, lumber, hydropower and it’s one of the poorest nations on earth. If only there were someone strong enough to make them all get along with each other.]

December 1, 1959

12 countries, the U.S. and USSR included, sign a treaty setting aside Antarctica as a scientific preserve, free from military activity. [No nukes? Counting penguins? What kind of treaty is this? We can’t even have an armed border (there aren’t any.) In General, nothing’s Private.]

December 1, 1960

Crooner Bobby Darin and Tammy Sandra Dee marry. [The marriage lasts 7 years; one assumes Darin promises in sickness and in health and Dee (Alexandra Zuck) isn’t completely healthy ever since she starved herself to be as skinny as the high fashion models (almost died.) Anorexia, etc. follows and she dies of renal failure. Darin dies even sooner. 1 advantage of Marilyn Monroe’s Playboy photo shoot is that she has flesh on her bones. She looks healthy. What happened?]

The German government evicts Paul McCartney + Pete Best from Hamburg because they’re accused of arson. [George Harrison has already been kicked out for being a minor without a work permit. John Lennon is what remains of the Beatles, and he doesn’t go home until December 10. Then they get to jam with this unknown drummer named Ringo Starr for an audition they don’t’ get. Imagine British music if these 1st 3 had joined other bands by the time Lennon returns.]

December 1, 1961

The independent Republic of West Papua is proclaimed in modern-day Western New Guinea. [50+ years later, this little declaration remains proposed but unrecognized as Wikipedia puts it. In other words, give it up, you lost. Get along with your neighbor anyway. See 1973.]

December 1, 1963

Nagaland becomes the 16th state of India. [A mountainous state in northeastern India. See 1965. It borders Burma, so if you’re trying to escape there (understand if you are, I’d expect that), head there (so many go for Thailand that they’re watching that border.) And mountainous = places to hide.]

December 1, 1964

2 crucial meetings (today and 2 days later) at the White House have President Johnson and his advisers agree (after some debate) to a 2-phase bombing plan for North Vietnam. [The Viet Cong are about 2 go 2 school 2 learn not 2 mess with the U.S. What he (Dean Rusk) does say, is that the consequences of both escalation and withdrawal are so bad that we simply must find a way of making our present policy work. This would be good if it were possible. Bob (McNamara) and do not think that it is (Mac Bundy’s memorandum to President Johnson labeled Fork in the Road, the result of this 2-phase bombing policy. In other words, it doesn’t work, either.) Apparently, no generals are 1st asked.]

December 1, 1965

An airlift of refugees from Cuba to the U.S. began. [Having realized that in merely 6 years, the revolution had become a worse dictatorship than Batista’s. Many who are outcast row away. The airlift brings in 3,000 – 4,000/month: we get the smart ones.]

India’s Border Security Force forms as a special force to guard the borders. [~240,000 with the motto, Duty Unto Death. Consider that some of India’s neighbors are not nearly as friendly as whom we have living next door, and one realizes they don’t care your opinion of Secure Borders.]

December 1, 1968

Janis Joplin has her final appearance with Big Brother & the Holding Company. [Chester Leo Helms is who discovers Janet and pairs her with Big Brother. This last show is to benefit his production company Family Dog Productions, named after the hippie commune where the jam sessions began. Up next, Kozmic Blues. Okay, whatever; just ignore the drugs.]

December 1, 1969

The U.S. government has its 1st draft lottery since WWII. [Affecting men (not women? How discriminatory!) born between 1944-1950, ~850,000 citizens. ~70,000 merely leave the country for Canada (some return.) 58,269 leave the country for as-yet unnamed regions (none return.)]

December 1, 1971

Khmer Rouge rebels intensify assaults on Cambodian government positions, forcing their retreat from Kompong Thmar and nearby Ba Ray. [The $64,000,000 question is, Who’s paying for all these weapons? One learns later that Pol Pot & co. are very incompetent, so they don’t earn it. To keep you is no benefit. To destroy you is no loss (Khmer Rouge motto.) Go out shooting back, then.]

The Indian Army occupies part of Kashmir. [Meanwhile, the U.S. also cancels weapons shipments scheduled for previously-at-peace India (let’s not get tarred with that brush!) This invading being in and acceding Kashmir to India begins in 1947 (not ending soon.) In a few days, India invades Pakistan, too. Some years later, Led Zeppelin writes a song about Kashmir (not Pakistan.)]

December 1, 1973

1st + 3rd Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion dies (b. 10/16/1886.) [He’s considered the founding father of Israel. Like George Washington, he unifies the military, is 1st to govern the nation, and sets up the models for the government’s institutions (bureaus.) He also defines their attitude towards the Moslems/Arabs utter unwillingness to have any relationship with them at all (shoot 1st?)]

Australia’s colony Papua New Guinea gains self-government from Australia. [A colony of a colony? This walking towards independence (see September 16, 1975) is like a spin-off of a sitcom spin-off being in the top-10. It’s still part of the Commonwealth while being allowed to solve its own problems—instead of rioting.]

December 1, 1974

TWA Flight 514 (Boeing 727) crashes northwest of Dulles International Airport. [Into Mount Weather, VA. Diverted from Washington National (high winds), the plane descends to 1800’ for an approach; strong winds (crosswinds) leave only a 100’-200’ margin for elevation. That’s how it meets the 1,670’ mountain: all 92 dead. They need to figure out how to break wind.]

A bad day for 727’s has Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 6231 also crash. [The crew forgets to turn on the heater for the airspeed tube; atmospheric icing gives false numbers; the crew overreacts to erroneous data; the plane hits the ground: all 3 crew dead. The good news is this at least occurs before the Baltimore Colts board the plane, so at least they still have someone Manning the team.]

December 1, 1976

The Sex Pistols appear on Thames Television's Today show to replace absent-but-also-signed-with-EMI band Queen. [Someone gives them booze before they go onstage, so what happens is that one’s fault. Then host Bill Grundy goads them: Jones: You dirty sod. You dirty old man. Grundy: Well keep going chief, keep going. Go on. You've got another five seconds. Say something outrageous. He does. The press has a field day because the host knows how to get the ratings (it works.)]

As if to celebrate such freedom, Angola joins the UN. [We promise not to sully your name, I mean, your Namibia.]

December 1, 1981

An Inex-Adria Aviopromet Flight 1308 MD-81 jetliner flies into Mont San-Pietro while approaching Ajaccio Airport in Corsica. [In a holding pattern, waiting for clearance to land, the crew descend to the minimum altitude of 6800’, which is fog. Despite on-board warnings, the plane finds the mountain anyway. All 180 dead.]

December 1, 1983

Ex-EPA official Rita Marie Lavelle is convicted in Washington of perjury and trying to obstruct a congressional inquiry. [She forges documents showing some company cleaned the Stringfellow Acid Pits (notorious SuperFund site) when it hadn’t. She uses them to get a loan that the bank then can’t collect on. OF COURSE they squawk. Sheesh. Would you believe, Sewergate?]

December 1, 1984

A pilot over there deliberately remote-controls a Boeing 727 jetliner into California's Mojave Desert. [Testing an anti-flame fuel additive: if it burns in the engine to generate thrust, it’ll burn anywhere else. Disappointed scientists are educated scientists (the fireball took an hour+ to extinguish.)]

December 1, 1986

U.S. President Ronald Reagan says he welcomes investigating the Iran-Contra fiasco if the Justice Department so recommends. [So who in the Justice Department makes those decisions? Gosh, I wonder who would be the shot-caller on this one.]

December 1, 1987

NASA announces the 4 companies given contracts to build Space Station Freedom. [The lucky 4: Boeing Aerospace, G. E.'s Astro-Space, McDonnell Douglas Aeronautics, and Rocketdyne of Rockwell. By 1993, Freedom is a white elephant: the President’s different and Congress is tired of the cost. Canceling the program = simple solution to complex problems. Oh, look! Free money. Get the Russians to help, add International, and it’s built that way, instead.]

Prince cancels the release of The Black Album a week before its 12/07 release. [Copyright troubles, ya know. It’s released as album #16, November 22, 1994. Meanwhile, we get Lovesexy next May, instead. Something about religious affirmation in an album equating love and sex. Go figure.]

December 1, 1989

Philippine military dissidents start a coup d’état against Corazon Aquino's government. [It fails. The Right-wing military rebels call themselves the Reform the Armed forces Movement or RAM. Their failures have others saying, Ewe.]

East Germany's Parliament abolishes the Communist Party's constitutional guarantee of supremacy. [Capitalist competition in politics: fear or irony?]

December 1, 1990

Workers drill a car-sized opening thru a wall of rock 132’ below the English Channel. [Thus they connect 2 ends of the underwater tunnel linking Great Britain with the European mainland for the 1st time in 8,000+ years (this had been a serious fear of Brits, including cartoons of political enemies doing this to invade the island.) What do you do when your nightmare comes true? Repent or hide?]

Iraq accepts a U.S. offer to talk about resolving the Persian Gulf crisis. [Talking instead of leaving is what is meant. After the Vietnam War, the U.S. stopped falling for that one. Can we walk and talk at the same time? Or is that like chewing gungum?]

December 1, 1991

92.3% of voting Ukrainians favor independence from the U.S.S.R. [After that forced fifties famine, folks fail to feel fear of their feelings for Russians. One is surprised the Russians continue to try. Don’t call Kiev chicken.]

December 1, 1992

The Russian hard-liners (Communist die-hards) attempt to impeach President Boris Yeltsin. [They fail, and it’s the Russian Congress opening. The Supreme Soviet (so they won Iron Chef, did they?) stumbles at the gate. Their arguments of, I’m in charge No, I am are settled. Punchline: after winning, Yeltsin tells the truth about KAL Flight 007, American POW’s in Russia, entertaining stuff (and a good way to ensure these ex-Communists are never able to challenge him again, now that we know all their dirty secrets.) That is political theater.]

December 1, 1993

A Northwest Airlink Flight 5719 Jetstream 31 crashes. [All 18 dead. 1 lucky passenger is removed because the plane’s overweight. It’s then sent to runway 31; pilots request runway 13 because of a tailwind. Okay. No distress call; it merely clips trees and veers down. Flight captain’s error (uncontrolled anger and failing semi-annual proficiency checks.)]

December 1, 1994

The U.S. Senate hands final congressional approval to the 124-nation General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade. [The rest of the world is waiting for a sign. The news here is that many consider this law important and whether or not the U.S. supports it cannot be known until this event on this day. Yeah, President Clinton will sign it, but many legislators hate it. Like or hate, at least it’s settled (now if y’all could only settle your likes and hates, we’d get somewhere.)]

December 1, 1995

Auctioning some of Frank Sinatra's property earns him $2,072,000. [On his 80th birthday (December 12), the Empire State Building glows blue like his eyes. Christies handles the ultimate garage sale, from tchotchkes to a jaguar. He won’t see any of it after he dies, so he might as well enjoy seeing what happens to it while he can. Smart move. Now who gets the $2,072,000? (Oh yeah, his Uncle, Samuel.)]

December 1, 1997

14 year-old high school student Michael Carneal opens fire on students while they pray in Paducah, KY. [He brings a .22-caliber Lugar handgun and earplugs. 2 Christians and a bystander dead; 5 wounded. Carneal pleads guilty but insane; he gets life in prison, no parole for 25 years, which is where we should put all people that cranky.]

Motorcycle manufacturer Harley-Davidson sues Anabolic Video Productions. [The production company responsible for Gang Bang #20 features sex on the company's motorcycle, prominently displaying the brand name and associating it with pornography without their permission. Viewers might think the company agrees with such activities. The shame (ha ha. Maybe 40 years ago, this would’ve worked, but now that it’s both reliable and American, even pastors ride Harley-Davidson motorcycles—and won’t if this gets out.) Sometimes, the lawsuit is required.]

Georgia State Senator Ralph Abernathy tries smuggling marijuana from Jamaica (in his underwear?!) [Caught by a drug-sniffing canine and fined $500, this son of the famous civil rights leader of the same name (who was Martin Luther King Jr.'s lieutenant) has the Georgia State Senate censure him (they try impeaching him.) Politicians are the ultimate entitlement programs.]

The Ranvir Sena (from Ranvir Baba, a local, mythical hero + Sena, Sanskrit for army) find and murder 61 Dalits. [16 children; 27 women; only 18 armed males; 5 adolescent females disfigured, then shot. We kill children because they will grow up to become Naxalites. We kill women because they will give birth to Naxalites (Ranvir Sena.) Yes, they are a terrorist group. Yes, important politicians are members because their über-acceptable goal is to maintain the status-quo. Get back in line!]

December 1, 1998

Exxon announces its plan to buy Mobil for $73,700,000,000. [And thus form the largest company in the world. So far. For now. By the time they finish it, they form the 3rd largest company (missed it by that much.)]

December 1, 1999

~250,000+ endure freezing temperatures to see the 67th annual Rockefeller Center Christmas tree-lighting ceremony. [That 'N Sync, Britney Spears, Enrique Iglesias, and Rosemary Clooney perform is irrelevant; they’re all there for tradition and community. Koom Ba Ya. 30,000+ and World AIDS Day on the same day—it’s either synergy or, wait, huh? Sorry. Some folk are livid. Oh well. I went to my city’s tree-lighting once: the city councilwoman wouldn’t shut up and throw the switch.]

An international team of scientists announce they’d mapped the entire human chromosome. [Almost isn’t all and knowing isn’t explaining. Chimpanzee DNA is 98% like human DNA came by ignoring a huge swath of DNA; know that and know they’re wrong--again. What did they decide to leave off this time? All sorts of stuff called junk DNA turns out to be crucial (the most arrogant scientist of all was the one calling it a simple cell.)]

December 1, 2000

Vicente Fox becomes El Presidente de Mexico. [This ends 71 years of PRI (Partido Revolucionario Institucional) domination. Emphasis had been on institution. They’d relaxed, assumed purchased victories would happen, and generally made voters feel taken for granted (easiest way to lose.) Buying victory destroys the economy. Sr. ZorroFox and his Alliance for Change (sounds familiar) get 6 years to prove their worth.]

December 1, 2001

2 homicide bombers of the Moslem persuasion explode themselves back-to-back at a downtown Jerusalem pedestrian mall. [11 innocent bystanders dead; 188+ injured. 2 guilty murders also dead. There have been at least 5 previous bombings on this Ben Yehuda Street (remind me to shop somewhere else if I ever visit.)]

Trans World Airlines (TWA) flies its last after being bought by American Airlines. [All those movies’ free advertising does them no good.]

December 1, 2008

Paul Benedict dies (born 09/17/1938.) [I’m going to paint a number 70.]

December 1, 2009

The Treaty of Lisbon goes into effect. [It was worked up 2 years ago to amend (fix) the Maastricht Treaty. This one creates both the European Union and the Euro. This one aims to waste more €€ on a 2nd (bicameral) legislature . . . as if the 1st one didn’t have any authority.]

December 1, 2011

Rhapsody Online Music Service purchases Napster, evaporating its existence. [I did what you asked. I stayed away from copyright infringing. You’re being unfair. RIAA high fives.]

December 1, 2013

(See May 17, 2013 because some people won’t learn) the commuter train on the Metro North Line (again?!) derails in Bronx’s Spuyten Duyvil section. [4 dead; 65 injured (12 critically); Engineer Bill Rockefeller says he applied brakes; train’s black box says he didn’t. It does say he had the train going 82 mph into a 30 mph curve (that’s how you derail 7 cars + a locomotive.) Turns out Mr. Rockefeller was in the engine, at the controls, but not all there: eyes open, brain asleep, no drugs. Maybe he can get a job running the model train railroad at the county fair.]

December 1, 2015

Nicaragua’s Momotombo Volcano erupts. [It last spewed out ash + lava 110 years ago, a nap worthy of Rip Van Winkle. While the geologists are watching the Cocos plate crunch under the Caribbean Plate, no one is reporting on the geothermal facility on the mountain side (the warmth is free, but it’ll cost you.) Those living nearby felt the warnings, go to work tomorrow, anyway.]

Known flake and gadabout, 64-year old Crown Prince Maha Vajiralongkorn says Yes to the proposal. [Thailand’s parliament asked him to succeed dear ol’ (88 years) dad as king. Mr. Unreliable is now King Maha Vajiralongkorn Bodindradebayavarangkun. BTW, Thailand has laws against speaking ill of the king, so if you go there, be very careful how you pronounce that.]

Carnival Cruise Lines gets a $40,000,000 fine for in-sea dumping. [A Caribbean Princess engineer said his ship used a magic pipe to slip waste off-ship. We are extremely disappointed about the inexcusable actions of our employees (high five!) who violated our policies and environmental law (raises all around!) . . .. We are very sorry that this happened (were caught) and have taken additional steps (to screen rats from employment) to ensure we meet or exceed all environmental requirements (Roger Frizzell.)]

(See April 28, 2015) Russia launches its Progress 65 freighter on a 3-stage Soyuz-U rocket. [@ 118 miles, the fortunately unmanned thing explodes and scatters 2½ tons of burning supplies back down. Best guess is 3rd-stage separation occurred early; apparently, early to bed, early to rise doesn’t make a rocket healthy nor a government wealthy. Who knew?]

A Mueller Park Junior High School 15-year old student enters the 9th grade science class (ah, there’s the problem) with a pistol + shotgun, fires the latter at the ceiling, spooks everyone. [Meanwhile, back at the ranch, mom + dad notice the weapons are missing and return to their son @ school. They hear the shot, find the room, and disarm their son. No known motivation because police don’t check for when #’s don’t match. Did I mention how home-schooling removes peers, helping self-esteem?]

Baltimore, MD hosts an armed darker-skinned adult settling a score by firing @ 3 people outside the 1 Stop store. [3 injured, 1 critically (might die.) Police search local CCTV tapes for clues. Clearly, we need to have any people going out accompanied by their parents.]

December 1, 2016

NFL Running Back Joseph Nathan McKnight dies of lead poisoning (b. 04/16/1988.) [Specifically, he apparently cuts off one Ronald Gasser in Terrytown, LA. Angry Mr. Gasser gives chase, catches up, and Mr. McKnight makes the mistake of waiting for Mr. Gasser to approach his vehicle. Mr. Gasser shoots someone inarguably more famous, more well-liked, and darker-skinned than he. Police wait 5 days to indict Mr. Gasser; when they do, manslaughter (I’d have guessed 1st Degree, but I’m no lawyer.) Sheriff Newell Normand tells us this amidst so much profanity, MSNBC cuts out of there.]

(See October 6, 1988) Staphandlers on the NY Subway watch as 3 men accost Moslem lass Yasmin Seweid, chant Donald Trump, and tell her to go back (to Egypt.) [1st, Facebook: I was harassed on the subway last night. And it was just so dehumanizing I can’t speak about it without getting emotional. 2nd, out with a Christian friend drinking booze and needing to put off dear ol’ dad. Nothing happened, and there was no victim (Police.) Punchline: 3 years ago, brother Abdoul did the same thing for the same reason. Why does she now face jailtime? Dad made her shave her head.]

December 1, 2017

"While I 100% support more transparency with respect to claims against members of Congress, I can neither confirm nor deny that settlement involved my office as the Congressional Accountability Act prohibits me from answering that question" (Rep. Blake Farenthold, TX-R.) [Liar. HE is the guy who used the Office of Compliance account to settle sexual harassment charges: $84,000 (Broadrick got 10x that.) Yes, if he ‘fesses up here, he’ll need to ‘fess up everywhere—or quit (what a plan!)]

New Jersey Regional Internet Crimes Against Children (ICAC) Task Force and agencies spend 9 months to tell of 79 arrests (ages 14-75) on minor-aged sexual assault + pornography charges. [One of the arrested WAS a youth minister, but I’m more intrigued that the Craigslist-ad-email-and-text-with-minor tactic is still used after that many were already arrested for the minor being a cop. They are not only criminals; they are STUPID criminals. We still need fear the smart ones.]

December 2

Laos’ National Day

United Arab Emirates’ National Day [Commemorating their independence from Britain; see 1971]

United Nations’ International Day for the Abolition of Slavery

December 2, 1409

The University of Leipzig opens. [Frederick I, Elector of Saxony + William II, Margrave of Meissen (brothers) begin the institution with 4 faculties. 600+ years uninterrupted in teaching and research. Excuse me, Prof? I have a question. How does dry cleaning work?]

December 2, 1755

Fire destroys the 2nd Eddystone Lighthouse. [Which gives you an idea of how much the 3rd Eddystone Lighthouse teaches them about using non-combustible materials such as concrete. The crew vainly tries to extinguish the blaze, ends up stranded on the rocks, needing rescue as the conical structure carbonizes all the way down to the surf. Ships are broken up over this loss.]

December 2, 1804

Napoléon is crowned emperor of France at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris. [The French king is supposed to be crowned in Rheims. One would think Monsieur Frenchie would know that (maybe he picked the archbishop’s seat of power to make nice with him . . . or replace him.)]

December 2, 1805

At the Battle of Austerlitz, Napoléon’s French troops defeat a combo-act Russian-Austrian force. [He defeats the all-powerful Hapsburgs to get ₣40,000,000  as well as territory. War of the 3rd Coalition hath ended. Notably, they don’t stop trying (Something about that Napoléon just sticks in my craw. I think it’s how he keeps mispronouncing German.)]

December 2, 1814

Donatien Alphonse François, Marquis de Sade dies in a lunatic asylum at Charenton (b. 06/02/1740.) [The ol’ Marquis writes, There is a kind of pleasure which comes from sacrilege or the profanation of the objects offered us for worship. Yeah, it’s called imagined power. They’re still only things. The pleasure is in the imagined power to hurt another. Some do the same thing with insults. Germans call it schadenfreude, malicious or smug pleasure in another’s misfortune. Grow up, already. ]

December 2, 1816

The Philadelphia Savings Fund Society opens for business as the 1st savings bank in the U.S. [Condy Raguet reads about the concept in Britain and imports (steals?) it to implement here. It succeeds famously, across generations of Philadelphians who would open an account as a child and continue depositing into it as an adult. It goes under in 1992; Citizens Financial Group buys it in 2001 to save the savings bank. Now we have debit cards and commercials, instead.]

December 2, 1823

President James Monroe outlines his doctrine opposing European expansion (interference) into the Western Hemisphere. [A.k.a., the Monroe Doctrine. The essence of his doctrine was that any Europeans trying to expand into the Americas would be treated as an invader of the U.S. This keeps much hassle from other American nations but in turn condemns the Africans (where else would Europeans colonize?) See December 1, 1824—John Quincy Adams wrote it. The only exception is the French invasion of Mexico, uncoincidentally timed in the middle of our Civil War (but we eventually ensured that they got theirs.)]

December 2, 1845

President James K. Polk announces to Congress that the U.S. should aggressively expand into the West. [The real point of the Monroe Doctrine: Mine! Mine! Mine! The policy of removing them (Native Americans) to a country designed for their permanent residence west of the Mississippi, and without the limits of the organized States and Territories, is better appreciated by them than it was a few years ago, while education is now attended to and the habits of civilized life are gaining ground among them (President Polk, his 1st State of the Union Address.) It was all his fault.]

December 2, 1848

Franz Josef I becomes Emperor of Austria. [Quite the reactionary, by resisting any effort to liberalize the government, he loses territory to the Italians. Nationalism is a bogie (as it is for any emperor.) His son suicides; his wife’s assassinated; he must fight something so it isn’t his own dumb fault.]

December 2, 1852

Newly-elected French President Charles Louis Napoléon Bonaparte overthrows the 2nd Republic. [He’s Napoléon I’s nephew and heir. He gets elected guy-in-charge and then undoes the whole notion the nation fought for 60 years earlier. Oh, and he’s not the military genius his uncle was. See May 10, 1871 for how well this chutzpah turns out. Lesson of the day: be yourself (don’t imagine you’re smart when you’re not.)]

December 2, 1859

Militant abolitionist John Brown hangs for raiding Harper's Ferry (b. 05/09/1800.) [See October 16, 1859. But for federal intervention in his seizure of the arsenal (with which he intended to arm slaves), there’d have been more such incidents and very nervous Southerners working in a failed economy. They sure are glad he hasn’t seceded quite yet.]

December 2, 1862

Circus entrepreneur Charles Ringling is born in McGregor, IA (b. 12/03/1926.) [He’s a very good manager, employees calling him Mr. Charlie, consulting him on many questions, not necessarily circus topics. While building his own mansion, he develops Sarasota County, FL, donating land for the courthouse and other county needs. Being of sound mind and body, he spends it on others, too. It’s a pity he’s constantly distracted by such frivolity as entertainment.]

December 2, 1867

Charles Dickens gives his Boston reading @ Tremont Temple. [He begins his 2nd tour of the U.S. (5 years later) as much performance as publicity, and almost kills himself from exhaustion (no roadies in those days.) He’s hugely popular, even promising never to denounce America again—and returns home in 1 piece. Just about scared the dickens out of everyone, tho. He dies 2½ years later.]

December 2, 1899

During the Philippine-American War, the Battle of Tirad Pass occurs. [Since labeled The Filipino Thermopylae: a 60-man Filipino rearguard delays (but loses to) a 500-man American Infantry regiment, allowing Emilio Aguinaldo to escape. Home court advantage wins again. When General Gregorio del Pilar dies, the Filipinos ask for his body to bury it. Ixnay on the urybay. See September 17, 1900 for chivalry in the face of insults.]

December 2, 1917

(See December 1, 1917) Russian emissaries sign the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk which calls for a cease-fire on the WWI eastern front. [Lenin gets Russia out of WWI. Troops recalled, money spent securing Bolshevik control at home (never mind what those stinkin’ capitalists are doing.) Russia loses 1,000,000 miles² of territory, ⅓ of its population, most of its coal, oil, and iron reserves, and much of its industry, accepting a shameful peace to save the world revolution. They get it all back, too. Curiously, much of Germany’s WWI plan is predicated on Russia being easy-to-beat. Now, none would dare. There’s that for the Communists.]

December 2, 1920

After a month+ of Turkish-Armenian War, the Turkish dictated peace Treaty of Alexandropol concludes. [Almost everyone (except President Wilson) considers the Treaty of Sèvres to be a suggested serving size, but not reality. Instead, this is those Turkish revolutionaries’ 1st treaty signed with an internationally accepted state (Armenia.) They’ve left each other alone since then, but Adolf Hitler references Turkey’s previous treatment of Armenians as proof no one will bug them about killing a few Jews (the 1 time the nut was right, too.)]

December 2, 1923

Opera singer Maria Callas is born Sophia Cecelia Kalos in Manhattan, NY (d. 09/16/1977.) [Then she’s baptized Anna Maria Sofia Cecilia Kalogeropoulou. Leonard Bernstein calls her, The Bible of Opera because her Greek parents soon take her back to Greece and impose upon her intensive musical training. She thus also defines diva as applied to a female opera singer, but part of the reason for her crankiness is being so myopic as to be nearly blind on stage. So cut her some slack, man; let the woman sing her way out of this one.]

December 2, 1924

Soldier + politician Alexander M. Haig, Jr. is born in Balitmore, MD (d. 02/20/2010.) [We’re in control when President Reagan’s shot. Korean and Vietnam Wars earn him the Distinguished Service Cross, the Silver Star with oak leaf cluster, and the Purple Heart. He also runs things while Nixon had checked out during the Watergate Hotel fiasco. Maybe he feared that history was repeating.]

December 2, 1925

Actress Julie Harris is born in Grosse Pointe, BlankMI. [She does a genius 1-woman show on Emily Dickinson: 5 Tonys, 3 Emmys, 1 Grammy, nominated for 1 Academy Award©, gets the 1994 National Medal of Arts, a member of the American Theatre Hall of Fame, and receives the 2002 Special Lifetime Achievement Tony Award. If you’ve not heard of her, why not? You play too much Halo.]

December 2, 1927

Ford Motor Company presents the Model A automobile as the successor to the Model T. [So, as the Model T came first, then the Model A, we know that Mr. Ford isn’t working alphabetically. Rather, we see an odd pairing of T and A. More than coincidence? At least he offers 4 colors, this time.]

December 2, 1930

President Herbert Hoover uses his State of the Union address to ask for a $150,000,000 public works program to help generate jobs and stimulate the economy. [Pretty much what FDR wants 3 years later. For the 4,500,000 unemployed, Congress approves $116,000,000. As Hoover said in his speech, Economic depression can not be cured by legislative action or executive pronouncement. Otherwise, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

December 2, 1931

Politician Edwin Meese is born in Oakland, CA. [Under President Reagan, he’s the 75th Attorney General, earns himself the Shot-Yourself-In-The-Foot Award, and is now a member of the Constitution Project, The Heritage Foundation, and the Hoover Institution. Advice on riot control: the people in that building should be arrested and taken out of there . . . if they were allowed to stay, there would be another mob scene, even bigger, the next day. He understands how mobs think.]

December 2, 1933

Newfoundland, Canada gives up self-governing Dominion status and suspends its constitution because of a disastrous financial situation. [The Great Depression hits different groups in different ways. There are no elections for the next 15 years while England pays bills and helps them figure out what to do next . . . they need 15 years to decide to join Canada. Maybe that’s why Canadians mock Newfies.]

December 2, 1938

Albert Kessel and Robert Lee Cannon test California's new gas chamber. [Their executions succeed. Officer James Richard Hill’s knee-jerk murder begins to be avenged along with Prison Guard Martin and Alcatraz Warden Larkin (prison escape last year.) Some were executed immediately, some now, 2 next week, the leader in 2 weeks (none stay escaped.) Kessell tries to hold his breath, making his lengthened death look worse than usual. No mask, of curse. Jack Allread, Ed Davis, and Paul Martin die later. The rest of us relax because at least those nuts won’t kill anyone else (whatever movies say.)]

December 2, 1939

New York's La Guardia Airport begins operating as a Chicago airliner lands @ 12:01 AM. [Punchline: what begins this thing is New York Mayor La Guardia flying back to New York with a ticket reading, New York and his plane lands in Newark, NJ. He demands to be flown to NEW YORK like the ticket says. Then he has a press conference shaming ‘em into it. No cure for the New York Jets and Red Bulls playing in Jersey.]

December 2, 1942

Dr. Enrico Fermi and staff demonstrate a self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction @ the U. of Chicago. [The future arrives in a dank basement under tight security. Also born is every don’t-go-down-into-the-basement horror trope because this one really is haunted . . . by radiation. You’re better off remaining upstairs where it’s safe . . . in the athletic field bleachers.]

December 2, 1943

Carmen Jones opens on Broadway. [Featuring either Muriel (Smith) or Muriel (Rahn) in the title role. The assembled cast, all darker-skinned, have one member who’d been on stage before. Acting can be learned but authentic can’t be faked. 11 years later, it’s a Harry Belafonte/Dorothy Dandridge movie.]

A Luftwaffe bombing raid on the Bari, Italy harbor sinks U.S. Liberty ship John Harvey. [Tightly classified is that it carries (only in case Germany does 1st) a mustard gas stockpile. Besides the deaths from the bombs are deaths from the released gas. Maybe the Nazis now know we mean it? Tragic punchline: the secrecy prevents harbor master from telling crews why this should unload now. The illegal cargo had been in the ship some days already, as if waiting for that date with a Nazi bomb.]

December 2, 1946

The British Government invites Nehru, Baldev Singh, Jinnah, and Liaquat Ali Khan to have all posses participate in the Constituent Assembly. [These 4 are considered the primary Indian leaders, so the Brits start there to not only say what they want, but to hear what others want. If they sound ridiculous, so do you. Now compromise.]

December 2, 1947

(See November 29, 1947) Arabs respond to the UN approving its 1947 Partition Plan. [Riots erupt in Jerusalem. If we noticed protests and riots being ignored nowadays, this is why: overuse and misuse of 1 tactic leaves no other response; after a while, one is clicking on an empty chamber. Another problem is the UN Plan has 3 Arab sections dividing 3 Jewish sections. So much for visiting neighbors.]

December 2, 1954

The U.S. Senate votes 67-22 to censure Senator Joseph R. McCarthy for what it labels conduct that tends to bring the Senate into dishonor and disrepute. [His conduct is what they’d gone along with themselves. That they’re only now questioning his tactics begs the question of whether this is to hide their own culpability. Punchline: Iron Curtain falls, archives are opened, and McCarthy was right.]

Taiwan and the U.S. sign the Sino-American Mutual Defense Treaty in Washington, D.C. [The (non-Communist) Republic of China is protected from its neighbor across the Taiwan Strait 5 years after being kicked onto the island. Communist China is arming itself sufficient to making this necessary, as these are whom our treaties are with. Besides, the food still tastes the same.]

December 2, 1956

The Mad Bomber strikes! At Brooklyn's Paramount Theater. [6 injured (3 critically.) This is his 5th effort, beginning in 1940, and none have been killed—yet. For some reason, this one makes the NYPD set about finding the perpetrator in earnest. Upon his arrest, George P. Metesky becomes the poster boy for criminal psychological profiling.]

The 6-person yacht Granma reaches the shores of Cuba's Oriente province. [Fidel Castro, Che Guevara, and 80 other members of the 26th of July Movement disembark to initiate the Cuban Revolution. Their dedication shames the rest of us. Irony: ex-President of Cuba Carlos Prío Socarrás buys the boat for them (they’re chronically poor.)]

December 2, 1961

(5th Anniversary Speech) Cuba’s Fidel Castro declares in a nationally broadcast speech that he’s a Marxist-Leninist and that he’s going to lead Cuba to Communism. [The choice of date is probably not a coincidence. Thanks for the help, gringos; get lost.]

December 2, 1962

After a trip to Vietnam at President Kennedy’s request, Senate Majority Leader Mike Mansfield is the 1st American official with a pessimistic public comment on the war's progress. [See 1956. Communism succeeds in areas where the populace are not as dedicated as the Communist insurgents. Senator Mansfield could have easily realized that was Vietnam’s problem. He also realizes that any U.S. money sent Ol’ Diem is squandered. Spend it on ourselves, instead.]

December 2, 1963

#1 Billboard Pop Hit: the Singing Nun’s Dominique. [Sister Luc-Gabrielle writes the song to eulogize the founder of the Dominican order. One is permitted to assume The Flying Nun is a direct result of this woman’s fame (after Lilies of the Valley, producers assume Nuns are popular. 10 years and some rapped knuckles later, they’re not. 7 years in a Roman Catholic parochial school and the only guitar I ever saw was in lay teacher Mr. Smith’s hands . . . singing Peter, Paul, and Mary stuff.]

December 2, 1964

Beatle Ringo Starr has his tonsils removed at University College Hospital in London. [He misses part of the Scandinavian and Far East tour for being sick. On the other hand, he’s outlives 2 of ‘em (maybe not going to the doctor was their problem.)]

December 2, 1968

Actress Lucy Alexis Liu is born in Queens, NY. [Usually choosing her work carefully, she has profited very well in movies and TV. Then there’s that Ecks Vs. Sever. But that’s all forgotten now that she’s Dr. Joan Watson.]

December 2, 1969

The Boeing 747 jumbo jet has its 1st public preview as 191 people fly from Seattle to New York, NY. [The passengers are mostly reporters and photographers. Once in NY, who takes them back to Seattle? Do they have to pay return fare? 10 days later, Pan Am gets one; movie producers exult. Impressive: the thing’s bigger than a B-52.]

The Supremes’ Cindy Birdsong is kidnapped. [She has 2 male escorts (future hubbie Charles Hewlett + friend Howard Meak) and his knife yet prevails: she ties her friends up and gets in his car. Then she jumps out on the highway. 4 days later, Charles Collier shows up at PD headquarters to surrender (since he’s maintenance at her apartment, she will recognize him.)]

December 2, 1970

1st director William Ruckelshaus begins the Environmental Protection Agency. [Now with 27 laboratories, 10 regional offices, and 17,000 employees, it’s big enough to start getting its own conspiracies. Why was that fellow stringing me