Hysterically Historical: August

By Daniel Paul Davis

August 1, 30 BC
Octavian (a.k.a. “Augustus” = “godlike”) enters Alexandria, Egypt, bringing it under the control of the Roman Republic. [It probably is not a coincidence that, as Julius Caesar hijacked the 7th month for his name, Julius Caesar’s nephew (Octavian) hijacks the 8th month for his nickname: he doesn’t name it “Octavian” but “August” to display his majesty as god as well as king. He dies, anyway. By controlling Egypt, Rome controls its food supplies and has sufficient bread for its circuses. Nowadays, the FCC merely controls TV broadcasts: same effect, less cost.]

August 1, 10 BC
One of Octavian’s replacements is born Roman Emperor Claudius in Lugdunum, Gaul (d. 10/13/54.) [He’s the 1st emperor born outside Italy and so is immortalized in the series I, Claudius. In Acts 18, Paul runs into Priscilla and Aquila exactly because Claudia evicted all Jews from Rome (so the flake has some purpose in life, at least.)]
August 31, 2017
Mumbai, India hosts a 117-year old building collapsing. [It was unsafe, condemned, and scheduled for demolition . . . but was still being used + occupied until then. 22+ dead; 13 injured. To compare, the monsoon floods that India is also dealing with have only killed 14. Relatives “plead” for help finding “loved ones” they didn’t love enough to put up in their safer houses. “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.” Yes, we all gotta die; you first?]
(See August 24, 2017) The Arkema chemical plant in Crosby, TX has problems with too much water. [But what’re you going to do? “This isn't a chemical release. What we have is a fire” (Richard Rennard.) 6th Grade chemistry taught me that fires feed off fuel and release chemicals we call “smoke.” Where did Mr. Rennard go to school? Propaganda College? The plant makes “organic peroxides,” and warm water can ignite organic peroxides. “Put this plant where there’ll never be a hurricane.” Ah, he went to architecture school.]
But wait, there’s more! [Irma officially forms into a hurricane. It isn’t due to arrive @ the Lesser Antilles until mid-next week, but with “zero vertical wind shear, very warm water temperatures, humid air and a robust preexisting circulation,” it’ll be a monster when it does arrive. Shirley MacLaine is ready for her character’s new independence and power.]
(See September 8, 2016) They were all set to have an anniversary party when someone found 1,400,000 more fake accounts. [That is, more money to be paid to more irate ex-customers. The total (so far) of fake customer-had-no-idea accounts is now ~3,500,000. “There’s never just one cockroach in the kitchen” (director of Wells Fargo’s largest investor Berkshire Hathaway Inc., Warren Buffett.)]
India’s Polar Satellite Launch Vehicle C-39 + its IRNSS-1H navigation satellite launch from Sriharikota, India’s Satish Dhawan Space Centre. [It manages that much, at least, but then “implodes.” This is their 8th launch, so it should have succeeded (obviously, one of the techs is out to launch.) The heat shield failed (they should borrow Captain America’s next time.)]

Thus you can read up on how to mock the shovers and makers in world history. Enjoy snarky comments, puns, satire, and political analysis (notice that third syllable) while reading what really happened. Really, history is the best soap opera.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Daniel Paul Davis
• Release date: May 28, 2019

Daniel Paul Davis

2 earned degrees + 3 teaching credentials (I won't call those "earned") = knowing more than I should about a sizeable clutch of useless stuff. However, after 25 years in education, I know 2 things about education: 1) How to teach. 2) No principal wants me to actually teach. Bonus 3) They want students indoctrinated. Thus, I write. "Do you have a degree in ___________?" Nope. I have 2 degrees in English, which means I know 2 things: 1) How to read. 2) How to research. Bonus 3) I remember what I read (why do you think I majored in English?!) Thus, the work I have here presented: researching the history was not that difficult, nor was winnowing out the frou-frou. Especially easy is seeing what is frou-frou. Gossip: Married; 3 daughters, all adult; 1 grandchild; 1 worthless, illegal alien, lying ex-son-in-law; empty bank account; full belly. If I ever have a full bank account, I plan to fast.

Book preview

Hysterically Historical

August

Daniel Paul Davis

August 1

It’s hot. Let’s have a party:

Angola’s Armed Forces Day

Barbados’ and Trinidad & Tobago’s Emancipation Day [See 1834]

Benin’s National Day [See 1960]

People's Republic of China’s Anniversary of the Founding of the People's Liberation Army [See 1927]

Democratic Republic of Congo’s Parent's Day

Nicaragua’s Fiesta Day

Rastafari’s Celebration of the liberation of Haile Selassie from slavery [Likely in 1924, but unclear why this date]

Switzerland’s National Day

Lughnasadh (Gaelic holiday) of Lá Lúnasa [Which is held in Ireland midway between the solstice and equinox. It is traditionally the start of Autumn]

Neopagan festival of Lammas [Loaf-mass day, celebrating the wheat harvest]

Lebanon’s Army's Day (Eid al-Jaysh)

Yorkshire, England’s Yorkshire Day [Since 1975. The Riding Society started this]

World Scout Day ]anniversary of the 1st day of the Brownsea Island Camp [See July 29, 1907]

August 1, 30 BC

Octavian (a.k.a. Augustus = godlike) enters Alexandria, Egypt, bringing it under the control of the Roman Republic. [It probably is not a coincidence that, as Julius Caesar hijacked the 7th month for his name, Julius Caesar’s nephew (Octavian) hijacks the 8th month for his nickname: he doesn’t name it Octavian but August to display his majesty as god as well as king. He dies, anyway. By controlling Egypt, Rome controls its food supplies and has sufficient bread for its circuses. Nowadays, the FCC merely controls TV broadcasts: same effect, less cost.]

August 1, 10 BC

One of Octavian’s replacements is born Roman Emperor Claudius in Lugdunum, Gaul (d. 10/13/54.) [He’s the 1st emperor born outside Italy and so is immortalized in the series I, Claudius. In Acts 18, Paul runs into Priscilla and Aquila exactly because Claudia evicted all Jews from Rome (so the flake has some purpose in life, at least.)]

August 1, 527

Justinian I becomes the only ruler of the Byzantine Empire. [Whose reign included rewriting Roman law (which re-write is still used by many countries formerly under the Byzantine Empire.) Building programs extend the empire itself. He gets 2 out of 3. See 902.]

August 1, 607

Ono no Imoko is dispatched as envoy to China’s Sui court (Traditional Japanese date: July 3, 607.) [And proceeds to immediately anger the emperor by greeting him: The Son of Heaven where the sun rises (Japan), to the Son of Heaven where the sun sets (China), may good health be with you. The Chinese do not believe those barbarians northeast of them have anything to do with heaven. And what’s with this we get to be the setting sun? But then, see 1894.]

August 1, 902

The Aghlabid army captures Taormina. [The last Byzantine stronghold in Sicily: very soon afterwards, Aghlabid rule falls to the Fatamids. Aghlabid, Obla dee, obla da, death goes on.]

August 1, 1096

Peter the Hermit’s 1st Crusade arrives in Constantinople. [Proving the concept for later Crusades: come armed. Peter the Hermit is not, nor are most of his many followers. Constantinople’s emperor agrees to take them across the Bosphorus (But wait.) They don’t. Turks cut them apart. Peter and a few others barely return to Constantinople, Turks in pursuit, showing that only armed soldiers maycan re-take that land (so much for his divine vision.)]

August 1, 1203

Restored Eastern Roman Emperor Isaac II Angelus declares his son Alexius IV Angelus co-emperor after pressure from 4th Crusade soldiers. [This crusade is supposed to conquer Jerusalem by going thru Egypt. Instead, they conquer Constantinople (dumb move), then expect to control the king; he doesn’t even control himself. This incompetent is merely deposed a 2nd time (Alexius IV is strangled in favor of the new guy.) What holy land? Only people, not land, is holy, and without power, we can’t make people be holy (but we can take land from them.)]

August 1, 1291

The Swiss Confederation is formed. [A.k.a., Helvatian Confederacy (that CH bumper label is the international code for Switzerland.) These 3 forest cantons, Uri, Schwyz, and Unterwalden sign a Federal Charter uniting them in the battle against Habsburg rule. See the Battle of Morgarten, November 15, 1315. They get to keep their gardens some more.]

August 1, 1461

Edward IV is crowned king of England. [The first York King of England, and he sufficiently squelches the Lancastrian threat (Eddie and the Bruisers) to rule well—until dying suddenly.]

August 1, 1492

Roman Catholics expel Jews (and Moslems) from Spain. [They are to have left by yesterday. The tragic irony is that even as dhimmis, Jews are better treated by Moslems than by either Christian Visigoths or Roman Catholics. The Ottoman Empire welcomes the expelled (they know who makes the money.) Shifting Julian to Gregorian, this’d be August 11, 1492. Today is another 9th of Av event that plagues the Jews (see also August 5, 70 AD; July 23, 71; August 4, 135; July 18, 1290; and August 1, 1914.) Since Columbus boards his ship today, many think he might’ve been (at least part) Jew. Would a Jew born anew be a Jew or two?]

August 1, 1498

Christopher Columbus lands on Isla Santa (Holy Island), now called Venezuela. [Oh, I get it: canals = holey land for all the water-filled holes and scars in the land. Ha ha, funny guy, that Columbus. This is the 1st time he steps onto the continent (yes, he’s spent the last 6 years finding the many islands in the Caribbean Sea.) That it’s the largest defined sea on the planet might’ve slowed him.]

August 1, 1578

Shakespeare’s Juliet Capulet is born. [She’s just a kid; I mean, child. She was no goat (rumor has it she’s prettier, at least as pretty as some actresses.)]

August 1, 1589

Jacobin monk Jacques Clément assassinates King Henri III of France. [Disguised as a priest, he used the Judges 3:20-25 method, only he doesn’t escape like Ehud: the king’s guard slices him apart. King Henri³ dies anyway, canceling the attack on Paris, which news some hail as an act of God. Any death would be, but Clément thought he was protecting Europe from those evil Protestants.]

August 1, 1619

The 1st darker-skinned people (20 Africans) land at Jamestown, VA. [Except the folks there call them slaves. 350 years later . . ..]

August 1, 1664

The Battle of Saint Gotthard arranges for Raimondo Montecuccoli’s Austrian army to defeat the Ottoman Empire. [The Peace of Vasvár results . . . for ~2 decades (the time needed for border skirmishes to become a war again.) This treaty gave Transylvania to the Ottomans (check with Vlad Dracula about that one.)]

August 1, 1714

Great Britain's Queen Anne dies (b. 02/06/1665.) [King George I replaces her. Queen Anne is the last of the House of Stuart; 17 pregnancies, not 1 survives to be an heir. Hanover takes over 1st and profits hand over fist. Only, beware that genetic code for senile dementia.]

August 1, 1717

J. S. Bach becomes Cothen’s Kapellmeister. [Not a great gig, but a means of escaping Weimar where the Duke had briefly jailed Bach for quitting (that doesn’t play in Peoria.)]

August 1, 1774

Chemist Carl Wilhelm Scheele successfully isolates Oxygen from our air. [One might see a commercial for a portable item that will do this. We don’t realize how difficult it is with 18th century (non) technology. Scheele heats mercuric oxide, silver carbonate, magnesium nitrate, and other nitrate salts to distill oxygen. He 1st writes about discovering oxygen. Joseph Priestly 1st publishes about discovering oxygen. Antoine Lavoisier names it 5 years later. A French electronic album about it in 202 years.]

August 1, 1776

(See January 11, 1775) Patriot Francis Salvador is the 1st recorded Jewish soldier killed in the American War for Independence (b. some day in 1747.) [Leading a militia group under Major Wilkinson, Cherokees and Loyalists ambush Salvador and his men near Seneca. Salvador’s wounded, then scalped. That’s a hair-raising adventure.]

August 1, 1779

Francis Scott Key is born (d. 01/11/1843.) He’s a composer, attorney, poet, and social worker. His poem Defence of Fort McHenry later becomes our Star-Spangled Banner. And he gets such people as F(rancis) Scott Fitzgerald named after him. At least Mr. Key wrote a poem for a song in an easy key to sing.]

August 1, 1798

The Battle of the Nile / Battle of Aboukir Bay begins when Rear-Admiral Horatio Nelson’s British fleet engages Vice-Admiral François-Paul Brueys d'Aigalliers French Revolutionary Navy fleet. [Unusual for occurring at night. You can see the purpose of attacking in dark when you look at the 1,700 dead French sailors (and 3,000 captured) vs. 218 dead British.]

August 1, 1790

The 1st U.S. census is completed. The population of the 17 states is 3,929,214. [x80, now. Ever drive thru Utah? We have room for more . . . at least 1 more.]

August 1, 1794

The Whiskey Rebellion commences. [What went around, came around. Exactly as the intolerable acts were Great Britain’s attempt to pay off winning the French and Indian War on behalf of the colonists (so they should pay for it, right?), these are Alexander Hamilton’s new taxes to pay off the cost of winning the Revolutionary War. Everyone wants, but no one is willing to pay for the want. C’mon, cough it up. Hey, cough syrup . . . that’s brilliant!]

August 1, 1800

The Irish Parliament votes the Act of Union 1800. [The English Parliament passed it July 2, so the Kingdom of Great Britain and the Kingdom of Ireland merge into the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland. Notably, Ireland’s unconsulted on this, and hadn’t had a king for some centuries (they don’t even have the same language.) But since they’re hard workers, we should be able to get them to turn a profit. Ever after, we hear about Irish whiskey.]

August 1, 1815

Lawyer, politician, and author Richard Henry Dana, Jr. is born in Cambridge, MA (d. 01/06/1882.) [His Two Years Before the Mast gets Dana Point, CA named after him. Before the mast is where the sailors sleep; officers’ quarters are in the stern (rear), tho that’s not what they mean by a rear admiral. He also has a clutch of schools named after him, which is an even worse curse than naming a So Cal subdivision after him.]

August 1, 1818

1st female professional astronomer and 1st women elected to the American Academy of Arts and Sciences Maria Mitchell is born in Nantucket, MA (d. 06/28/1889.) [She locates Miss Mitchell's Comet, among others. To protest slavery, she stops wearing cotton (ouch!) Oh, wait, linen? Is that cheating?]

August 1, 1819

Moby Dick author Herman Melville is born in New York, NY (d. 09/18/1891.) [He has an early fame (Typee is a best-seller.) By death, he’s obscure (he wrote other stuff? When?) After death, there’s a resurging interest in his work to the point of Moby Dick being one of those great American novels you might have heard about . . . and it does him no good, whatsoever.]

August 1, 1820

London's Regent's Canal opens. [Which means more when rapid transit = boat. Read The Wind in the Willows for an idea of how important waterways were before subways. Now it seems as if that’s the only kind of sandwich we can get around here.]

August 1, 1831

London Bridge opens. [Not the Tower Bridge (which is what is usually shown when films want to tell you you’re in London.) Until Tower Bridge was built, London Bridge was the city’s only bridge over the Thames. Now, one has 214 bridges, 20+ tunnels, 6 ferries and 1 ford (no VW.) Of course, the 1st London Bridge was that thingie the Romans built.]

August 1, 1834

The U.K. Parliament abolishes slavery thru-out the British Empire. [One wonders what took us so long (the answer is a cotton-based economy.) Imagine how that 650,000+ deaths war might have looked if we’d never gotten independence.]

August 1, 1837

Mary Harris Mother Jones is born (d. 11/30/1930.) [She gets labeled the most dangerous woman in America for her skill at organizing mine-workers (and families.) Badge of honor? See 1917 for why this work is important. Who says women aren’t influential?]

August 1, 1843

Future U.S. Secretary of War Robert Todd Lincoln is born to Abraham Lincoln in Springfield, IL (d. 07/26/1926.) [Todd is mom’s maiden name. Robert Todd Lincoln is rescued from a train accident by Edwin Booth, brother of the John Wilkes who assassinates his dad. R.T. Lincoln has mom committed to an asylum; she escapes; she then proves she isn’t crazy. Talk about estranged from parents (maybe it was dad’s annoying Kentucky twang.)]

August 1, 1847

The Musical Gazette of Paris says of Verdi: There has not yet been an Italian composer more incapable of producing what is commonly called a melody. [Then there was Bolero (see March 7, 1875), which is all melody. What do the French know? French.]

August 1, 1870

Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov is born in Shchigry, Kursk gubernia, Russia (d. 03/20/1932.) [Early in his career, he perfects artificial insemination, useful for horse or cattle breeding (semen’s easier to carry than the whole animal.) He becomes a good Communist, a devoted atheist, and works on the creed of life-by-incremental-changes. Since we’re all related, what if he could breed apes + humans? Graft a human ovary onto a chimpanzee? Okay, but no success. Inseminate women with simian semen? Still, nada. Then Stalin does a purge and he ends up in Kazakhstan. Dang. Say, maybe we can interbreed Alien and humans? Predator and humans? Alien-Predator?]

August 1, 1873

Inventor Andrew S. Hallidie successfully tests the cable car he designed for the City of San Francisco. [At least, today is when it’s supposed to debut. Some say it didn’t, but does tomorrow (which the city ignores.) The conductor looks at the incline he’s supposed to guide that thing down and exits; Hallidie must do it himself (he does), and brings it back up, no problem. Even if he were a day late, he is considered the Father of the Cable Car because he isn’t a dollar short.]

August 1, 1874

Charles Clinton Spaulding is born in Columbus County, NC (d. 08/01/1952.) [1 of 14 children of an ex-slave, Mr. Spaulding sets up 5 companies: 3 insurance, 1 bank, and 1 building and loan (1952 assets of $33,000,000+.) He’s the insurance man who built one of America's largest black-owned businesses, What have you done with your freedom?]

August 1, 1876

Colorado is admitted as a U.S. state. [#38 in a series. I’ll be right with you after I color a do.]

August 1, 1892

John Philip Sousa quits the U.S. Marine Corps Band to form his own 100-piece band. [That way, he can write music for that sousaphone thingie. After all, he’s only 37. It’s time to move on. One of his band’s 15,623 concerts is marching down Le Champs-Élysées á L’ Arc de Triomphe. What was that about Verdi, again?]

August 1, 1894

Japan and China 1st go to war over Korea. [Japan routs the complacent Chinese Emperor (Japanese are suddenly warmongers?) These roles ironically switch 55 years later. Meanwhile, this defeat produces the later revolutions (they realize their leaders are worthless) which results in Sun Yat-Sen’s efforts (which both Communist and Nationalist look to as inspiration and originator.) Think about that the next time the military budget is up for vote.]

August 1, 1901

Burial within the San Francisco City limits is prohibited. [No room at the in . . . ternment site.]

August 1, 1902

The U.S. buys the rights to the Panama Canal from France. [Lightweights. WE are willing to die to get this thing finished! The purchase price is $40,000,000—1/7 the $287,00,000 they spent (and then there are the 22,000 French deaths) —$10,000,000 for equipment and $30,000,000 for the usable part the French had dug. A man, a plan, a canal, dam. Gatan Dam is the then largest dam, creating the then largest artificial lake (Gatan Lake.) 2 American changes: refusing the corruption that plagued (and sank) the French effort, and removing the mosquitoes. One could then calculate lives saved by the fuel not burned going around Cape Horn, instead (how would you like global warming to have started in the 1960’s?)]

August 1, 1907

Set-up is finished, so the 1st Scout camp opens on Brownsea Island. [See July 29, 1907. This event runs until August 9, 1907. That looks like fun; can I join?]

August 1, 1914

Germany declares war on Russia. [See July 28, 1914. Why Russia and not Serbia is best left to Germany to explain (tho it likely has to do with interlocking defense treaties and perception of who’s rear is easier to kick.) All this merely sets up WWI. Since Germany declares war on Russia, Russia responds by severely increasing its pogroms against the Jews. Yes, this also is one of those 9th of Av events. See also July 21, 587 BC; August 5, 70; July 23, 71; August 4, 135; July 18, 1290; August 1, 1492. H8 summer.]

August 1, 1917

Frank Little is dragged from his room in a boarding house and assassinated by hanging (b. 1879, no date.) [A mining company hires goons to be rid of this IWW activist; Dashielle Hammet works security in Butte, MT until a company boss offered him $5,000 to kill Frank Little. He quits. Mr. Little once got 30 days in jail for reading the Declaration of Independence out loud on a street corner. Liberty? What makes you think you should have that? We’ll ask the NSA.]

August 1, 1927

The Nanchang Uprising is the 1st meaningful battle in China’s Civil War between Kuomintang + Communist Party. [Thus, the People's Liberation Army commemorates this day as anniversary. It seems Nanchang military dislike He Long’s and Zhou Enlai’s leadership. Isn’t that what demotions were invented for?]

August 1, 1931

Cartoonist Thomas Albert Wilson is born (d. 09/16/2011.) [He draws comic strip Ziggy for 16 years, then son Thomas Wilson, Jr. takes over the panel in 1987. He’s a brilliant and experienced marketer, working on the groups conjuring up both Strawberry Shortcake and The Care Bears. Ziggy works pretty well as a market, himself.]

August 1, 1936

Adolf Hitler presides over the 11th Olympic opening ceremony. [Chancellor of Germany announces: I proclaim the games of Berlin, celebrating the eleventh Olympiad of the modern era, to be open. It all becomes an influential Leni Riefenstahl film because she isn’t a Nazi; she’s merely paid by Nazis to show everyone else how to present images on film. Her and that Jew Walt Disney could have worked up something together that we’d really remember (instead, a long line of hacks merely rip off what she taught us.)]

August 1, 1937

Tito reads the resolution Manifesto of Constitutional Congress of KPH to the constitutive congress of KPH (Croatian Communist Party) in the woods near Samobor. [Anticipating a Communist Yugoslavia under the Nazi shadow. He takes over leadership when another is arrested. Some studied in Russia. The smart ones studied in New York—and stayed there.]

August 1, 1941

The 1st Jeep’s produced. [Jeep = G.P. = General Purpose, not Jeepers! At this point, it’s Willys brand, and some consider it to have been the transport of WWII. Bill Mauldin drew the seminal cartoon of the sergeant next to his wrecked jeep, eyes covered, about to shoot it to put it out of its misery. Many really did feel that way about these things (Jeepers!)]

August 1, 1942

American musician and genius Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry Garcia is born (d. 08/09/1995.) [Arguably the most skilled 8-fingered guitarist ever. But 1st, his mom buys him an accordion. See October 23, 1959 for what might have been.]

August 1, 1943

Several deaths occur in a race-related riot in Harlem, New York, NY. [Again. And AGain, a paler-skinned police officer shoots a darker-skinned citizen and the rest of them go ballistic like the Baikonur Cosmodrome. He’s only wounded, but some doofus in the crowd yells he died. Mob rule or mob drool? 6 dead; 400+ injured; 500+ arrested; $5,000,000 in damages to where they live—Harlem; 100’s of businesses destroyed and/or looted—all in their own neighborhood. Some shoot themselves in the foot; these hit the kneecap.]

August 1, 1944

An uprising against Nazi occupation begins in Warsaw, Poland. [It goes 2 months. One could posit that its value is in pulling men and resources from the war to thoroughly crush this uprising. These Polish heroes suffer greatly, but contribute to Germany’s defeat. Uncoincidentally . . .]

Anne Frank writes the last entry in her diary. [Dad’s the only one who survives. When he returns home, he finds it and wonders what that was all about. Now we know.]

August 1, 1946

The U.S. government establishes its Atomic Energy Commission. [Transferring control of atomic energy from military to civilian; atoms for peace before Eisenhower popularizes that phrase. When I was a kid, I knew a Tom. Does that count?]

The Japanese Federation of Trade Unions is formed. [If the date looks familiar, it’s because previous efforts in Japan at organizing trade unions were opposed, up to and including passing laws to forbid their activities. Having lost WWII, that government must listen to pro-union U.S., so encourage this waste of time and resources.]

President Harry S Truman signs the Fulbright Program into law, establishing the scholarships named for Sen. J. William Fulbright. [It operates in 155 nations that can go to another nation to study, do what they do best, etc. 43 of these scholars have Nobel Prizes (more than any other award program) and 78 have Pulitzer Prizes. Of course, you must be good to get here, so those #’s are a tad skewed to begin with.]

August 1, 1948

The U.S. Air Force Office of Special Investigations is founded. [Very much like the Navy NCIS that you likely are familiar with. This bureau handles espionage and terrorism as well as fraud and crime, even counter-intelligence. Everyone knows how the military is counter-intelligence.]

August 1, 1953

The 1st aluminum-faced building is completed. [Harrison and Abramovitz design the 30-story Alcoa Building using aluminum wherever possible. While more expensive initially, it’s lighter and eminently more recyclable than brick. 20 years later, the WTC copies the idea, only taller. This building is paneled with thin aluminum sheets, as well. In the future, transparent (Close the blinds!)]

August 1, 1954

The middle and lower reaches of the Yangtze River overflow. [8,000,000 acres/12,500 miles² are under water; 30,000 dead; 18,900,000 homeless. How the government responds to this crisis will heavily influence later decisions on joining that Communist thingie. Just sayin’.]

August 1, 1957

The U.S. + Canada tell us they have already formed the North American Air Defense Command (NORAD.) [Ooh, ah, now we can track Santa Claus. Actually, if Russia were to launch, the missiles would come over Canada (and Canada would end up with half the radiation.) Believe it or (s)not, our government’s actually looking out for us (or them, same thing in this case.)]

August 1, 1958

Provoke the Americans into military action and I’ll give you as many divisions as you need to crush them (Communist China Chairman Mao Zedong to U.S.S.R. General Secretary Nikita Khrushchev.) [Oh, and you have to get the Americans here to fight. I can’t send that many troops somewhere else on the planet, like Cuba. Maybe have them attack Mongolia? Vietnam? Even North Korea would work. Khrushchev already said Mao wouldn’t get any Russian nukes, so this might be Mao’s effort to change his mind, which will probably work as well as Chinese women proving their relationship with Mao by willingly obtaining the STD they know he has: they’re still sick; he still doesn’t care because he doesn’t want them.]

August 1, 1960

Dahomey (later renamed Benin) declares independence from France. [The reason for naming it after the Bight of Benin off the coast was angling for political neutrality, which Dahomey didn’t have. Isn’t United States of America better than United States of Republicans?]

Islamabad is declared the federal capital of the Government of Pakistan. [Choosing a city far enough upland to not be too flooded out (and so be able to help.) How they help: Islamabad has a 38/1,000 infant mortality rate; the rest of Pakistan has a 78/1,000 infant mortality rate (That’s it, Mab-el, we’re moving to the big city!)]

Senegal’s government bans the Communist PAI (Party of Independence and Labor.) [It tends to cause problems, conflicts, and other agitprop; some members go to Russia to study and others to Cuba to study. Lesson not learned, or learned all too well?]

Chubby Checker releases The Twist. [His version. The earlier version did less well. In fact, his version does so well that he’s hired (paid the SAG minimum $100) to cut a commercial for one of (if not the) earliest oldies records. It sells 1,000,000’s (and he got his $100.)]

The East German newspaper, Young World identified Elvis Presley as Public Enemy #1. [You can’t buy PR like that! Enemy of my enemy = my friend!]

August 1, 1961

The 1st Six Flags park opens in Texas. [Six Flags Over Texas refers to Texas’ history: over Texas has flown 6 separate governmental flags: Spain, France, Mexico, the Republic of Texas (not the State of), the United States of America, and the Confederate States of America. These theme parks are the only ones who can get away with flying a Confederate flag because it’s their business model (I see what you did there.)]

August 1, 1964

The Republic of the Congo is renamed the Democratic Republic of the Congo. [The ex-Belgian Congo should not be confused with Congo-Brazzaville, which is the smaller country west of it. Together, the two countries form a Congo line.]

August 1, 1966

Ex-Eagle Scout and U.S. Marine Charles Whitman carries a sniper rifle onto University of Texas at Austin. [He climbs the UT tower and begins firing indiscriminately at people: 13 dead. [3 Austin PD officers kill Whitman 96 minutes later. He’d already killed his wife and mother, regularly complaining of nasty headaches. He goes nuts; he dies; autopsy finds a glioblastoma in his brain. 45 years ago, we couldn’t really find those things that easily. See August 10, 1965. Maybe he was merely torn up over the loss.]

Purging intellectuals and imperialists becomes official People's Republic of China policy. [So begins the Cultural Revolution . . . by killing those who know culture. Here, culture is on the TV and everyone willingly participates in the brainwashing. No one dies (unless he goes outside, gets in a car, and drives somewhere; he should’ve stayed with the TV.]

August 1, 1967

Israel annexes East Jerusalem. [Spoils of war (many wars, won ‘em all.) Stop whining. Stop picking fights. Live and let live? If you don’t know how to war, be willing to try peace.]

August 1, 1968

Hassanal Bolkiah is crowned the 29th Sultan of Brunei. [His reign began last October; this is merely the coronation. He’s still there, still ruling, still defining absolute monarch by also being Brunei’s Prime Minister. Owns a whole country = one of the wealthiest humans.]

August 1, 1971

George Harrison and friends holds a day-long concert to support the newly-independent but impoverished nation of Bangladesh. [Bob Dylan, Eric Clapton, Ringo Starr, Billy Preston, Ravi Shankar and Leon Russell raise $243,418.50, which isn’t bad considering this is the 1st rock ‘n’ roll benefit-someone-else-concert of this scale. UNICEF administers the money.]

Tony Kaye quits Yes to form Badger. [Rick Wakeman replaces him. Others call it fired to hire someone who played more than the organ. Coincidentally, the drummer backing John Lennon on his Imagine album, then George Harrison on All Things Must Pass (and so backs singers at the Concert for Bangladesh) is Alan White, who takes over from Bill Bruford as the Yes drummer. Or is that more than coincidence?]

(See July 30, 1971.) Astronauts uncover a rock they say might date back to the origin of the Moon. [Media call the almost-pure plagioclase the Genesis Rock, which is hilarious because David Scott sited the landing off of 4 known craters: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Index (because Madalyn Murary O’Hair sued them over the Apollo 8 Astronauts reading from Genesis.) She lost, but to be on the safe side, the 4th crater isn’t John. It happens, anyway.]

The Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour begins on CBS, running for the next 3 years. [It’s canceled when they divorce. They re-unite for the 1976 Sonny and Cher Show, but that doesn’t work as well (we know how they feel.) Then Cher gets her own show and Sonny appears on an unrelated TV show opposite hers. Who won? Well, she’s still alive. Ratings? Who cares?]

August 1, 1973

American Graffiti opens. [It has everyone assuming that Happy Days, which also stars Ron Howard, is based on this movie, not the Love, American Style episode called Love and the Happy Days starring Andy Griffith’s kid, Ron Howard. A later Happy Days episode actually refers to that pilot. Yes, no one watched Love, American Style. Except me.]

August 1, 1974

The UN Security Council tells the United Nations Peacekeeping Force in Cyprus (UNFICYP) that they may go ahead and create the Green Line. [It runs 112.2 miles, with a width varying from 65’ to 22,750’ to thus engulf 134 miles². This area testifies to the Law Of Unintended Consequences both in this loss of area and in the proliferation of Cypriot wildlife where no one may shoot someone. It also testifies that humans will not get along with each other, tough beans, now get out of the way, you’re blocking my shot.]

August 1, 1975

CSCE Final Act creates the Conference for Security and Co-operation in Europe. [It results in the Helsinki accords pledging the signatory nations to respect human rights. Read their 10 declarations. The curious part is how much they sound like the League of Nations (see June 30, 1935) and the UN (see April 6, 1994.) Your homework assignment is to identify where nations signed to this have then also ignored their promises.]

August 1, 1977

Francis Gary Powers dies when his weather helicopter crashes in Los Angeles, CA (b. 08/17/1929.) [He’s the U-2 pilot shot down over the U.S.S.R. (see May 1, 1960.) He’s received back home rather cooly 17 years ago because he’s supposed to be dead, not captured . . . so this death was going to happen eventually (whether or not he wanted it.)]

August 1, 1980

George Harrison forms his Hand Made Films Productions company. [It produces Monty Python's Life of Brian as well as Time Bandits, which many thought was a Monty Python film in spite of having James Bond in it.]

Icelanders democratically elect Vigdís Finnbogadóttir as their 4th President. [She is thus Europe’s 1st female head of state. They’re probably on the political cutting edge because of all those volcanoes. She also has the longest female-head-of-state term of service @ 16 years. Now she’s a member of the Club of Madrid (members run around trying to force on others what she enjoyed.) Oh, and UNESCO goodwill ambassador, whatever they do.]

August 1, 1981

Cable music network MTV launches. [They presciently start re-writing the music industry with the Buggles’ Video Killed the Radio Star. Then Pat Benatar's You Better Run (music industry take note: we could even broadcast the wannabes if we felt like it.) Yes, Virginia, once upon a time, MTV actually played music videos. Michael Jackson owes his career to them (okay, it was a symbiotic relationship.)]

August 1, 1984

Lindow Moss, Cheshire, NW England, UK hosts bog cutters uncovering Bog Man. [Later, they settle on Lindow Man. He’s the 2nd body found there, but the 1st was called Pete Marsh (ha ha ha ha ha.) His last meal was toast (like he’ll be soon), and his never-did-work body shows he died by strangling, wanged on the head, then his throat’s cut (they really wanted him dead.) As the evidence is the guy was upper class, he was obviously the local dictator (see December 30, 1916 for another example.)]

August 1, 1985

The U.S. House of Representatives votes economic sanctions against South Africa, 380-to-48. [Then the Senate forces a postponing (What’s the hurry? They’re gonna desegregate in a few years, anyway.) Sure enough, by 1989, F. W. de Klerk is elected and he begins disassembling Apartheid on his own without our help. I’m sure Iran will solve their problems without us.]

August 1, 1986

John McEnroe and Tatum O'Neal marry. [One wonders how Ryan O’Neal feels about having a cranky tennis player for a son-in-law. They divorce in 1994; Tatum Beatrice O’Neal hasn’t remarried. McEnroe later marries Patty Smyth (who declined Eddie Van Halen’s offer to replace David Lee Roth.) Maybe it’s just as well: we couldn’t repair the ear damage from twin screaming fests.]

August 1, 1987

Siobhan Fahey (Bananarama) and Dave Stewart (Eurythmics) marry. [I guess Annie Lennox and he aren’t an item anymore. But that’s as well; Siobhan and Dave divorce by 1996 (1 more year than John + Tatum.) Do any of these performers keep their promises? (Any sport is a performance—just ask the advertisers.)]

Iranians attack Tehran’s Saudi Arabian and Kuwaiti embassies. [Word leaks of the Mecca fiasco (See July 31, 1987.) The weird part is the dearth of realization of personal responsibility for what happens to oneself (besides Moslem attacking Moslem.)]

August 1, 1988

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III is syndicated nationally as a 2-hour radio show. [He has so much fun in Sacramento, he takes his act on the road. His contract is for $31,250,000/year. Apparently, his most recent contract was worth $400,000,000. He’s also considered (one of) the most reliable of news broadcasters, probably for reporting what other media won’t (or disagree with.) As with any human, sometimes he’s right; sometimes he’s wrong (how well developed are YOUR critical thinking skills?)]

Iran says it’ll honor an immediate cease-fire in its 8-year war with Iraq. [The one Iraq’s Saddam Hussein started. Islam allows for a 10-year truce so that both sides can re-arm; 10 years later, Iraq has . . . other concerns (problem solved!)]

August 1, 1991

77-year old Actress Hedy Lamar is arrested in Florida for shoplifting. [After working with George Antheil to develop a technique for spread spectrum communications and frequency hopping, which wireless communication relies on—before the computer age—I would expect her to have a sinecure from the government, not reduced to begging or robbing. Charges dropped both times (2nd time in Florida, eyedrops and laxatives.) Sic transit gloria mundi (You’re confusing her with Ms. Swanson!)]

President George H. W. Bush, visits Kiev (capital), Ukraine to beg Soviet republics to restrain demands for more autonomy. [Let’s not induce the Soviet dictatorship to do what dictators usually do when opposed. Give them a little of what they want and they can then give us what we want (civil wars are messy, messieurs.)]

August 1, 1993

Reggie Jackson is admitted to Cooperstown, NY’s Baseball Hall of Fame. [For all his troubles, he didn’t gamble. And he did have that movie career.]

(See July 16, 1993) The copious amounts of water filling the Missouri + Mississippi Rivers peaks. [Unnamed hydrology engineer paddles out to where the flood is sensored, peeks, and {CENSORED}. That kind of talk is the only talk that piques an audience’s attention. 32 dead; 320,000 miles² flooded; $15,000,000,000+ in damages; see December 25, 1926 because it even beat that flood. They studied this one to learn how to not prevent the next one.]

August 1, 1994

Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley confirm rumors that they married 11 weeks ago. [This is a bi-racial marriage no one says anything about. We’ve advanced at least a teensy bit. And, oh look, they later divorce like many same-skin-color couples do!]

Supporters of Haiti's military rulers declared their intention to fight back in the face of a UN resolution paving the way for a U.S.-led invasion. [You and what army? This. You call that an ‘army’? That’s not an army. Now this is an Army!]

August 1, 1995

Westinghouse Electric Corporation announces their deal to buy CBS for $5,400,000,000. [Compare with the price Disney paid for ABC: see July 31, 1995. Someone isn’t pulling his weight in Neilson ratings.]

August 1, 1996

Michael Johnson wins the 200-meter dash in 19.32 seconds, beating the old world record by 0.3+ seconds. [At the XXVI Olympiad in Atlanta, GA. This is 1 of 4 Olympic Gold medals he wins. He also has 8 World Championships gold medals. He ends his career with a gold medal in the 2000 Olympics and now must figure out how to distinguish himself from all the other Michael Johnson Athletes.]

August 1, 1997

The National Cancer Institute reports fallout from 1950’s nuclear bomb tests exposed 1,000,000’s of children country-wide to radioactive iodine. [If you’re wondering why cancer seems more common nowadays, it’d be from doing it to ourselves. Unfortunately, our own children are our canary in the coal mine.]

President Clinton lifts a 20-year-old ban on the sale of high-performance aircraft and other advanced weapons to Latin America. [Because we now have stuff beyond what we’re selling them (every plane we sell should have a kill-switch for if it’s ever used against us.)]

August 1, 1998

The Borders Books and Music opens its 1st European outlet with a 40,000-square-foot store on London's Oxford Street. [Now they’re bankrupt and out of business. Expanding rapidly will do that; expanding rapidly in a rapidly dying industry is really asking for trouble.]

Singer Sandra Crouch is ordained as pastor of her church in spite of the Church of God in Christ banning woman pastors. [I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet (1 Timothy 2:12.) Like it or not, that’s what the Christian Bible says to Christians. Different denomination? Different religion? Once I get up there and begin to teach, they will be persuaded by the clarity of my thinking.]

August 1, 2000

A U.S. military court in Germany sentences Army Staff Sergeant Frank Ronghi to life without parole. [The occasion is peacekeeping duty in Kosovo. He decides to assault, rape, and kill 11-year-old Albanian Merita Shabiu, apparently assuming he’d get away with it (like every other conquering soldier?) Keep peace? Monger war? Hmmm . . ..]

August 1, 2001

Macedonians agree on the answer to the minority Albanian language’s use in the Republic of Macedonia. [You know how much trouble people have with one language; needing to learn a 2nd might actually require thinking before they speak!]

Bulgaria, Cyprus, Latvia, Malta, Slovenia, and Slovakia join the European Environment Agency. [I.e., those places with all the land mines and unexploded ordinance. Maybe this is on the way to qualifying to join the EEU itself (or at least getting help with their clean-up.)]

Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore picks a fight with the ACLU by installing a 2½ ton Ten Commandments monument in the judiciary building’s rotunda. [His correct point is that a place of law should show where those laws came from. Nevertheless, as it alludes to the Bible in some obscure way, a lawsuit demands both it and he be removed. Or he could have installed other religions’ laws echoing the same thing (they exist.) Or he could have referenced these origins in his rulings and really made people angry (forcing lawyers to read it.)]

August 1, 2002

Ex-WorldCom executives Scott Sullivan and David Myers are arrested for falsifying the books at their ex-company. [It’s bankrupt, built on the deregulation of long-distance that disappeared many companies. They lied; careers died. WorldCom merges with MCI and now Verizon owns both. Sullivan gets 5 years for testifying against Ebbers, who got 25 years. Myers gets 1 year + 1 day (which influential people did HE know? Or did he not steal as much as Ebbers?)]

The U.S. and a bloc of Southeast Asian nations sign a sweeping anti-terrorism treaty. [Since many of the 1st terrorist acts are perpetrated in Asia, and they’ve that problem still. But in some ways, terrorism is used instead of the previously-common insurgency. These folks really do want to take over the government like any other revolutionary. Their god says so.]

August 1, 2004

The Ycuá Bolaños supermarket fire occurs in Asunción, Paraguay. [9 missing; 394 dead; 204 orphans; ~ 500 injured; all from a faulty barbecue chimney. Flue epidemic?]

August 1, 2005

German spelling reform of 1996 is formally implemented. [Germany, Austria, Liechtenstein, and Switzerland agree, Luxembourg does not. For example, the original was Schloßstraße. The new is Schlossstraße. However, both Schlossstrasse and Schloßstrasse are wrong. Got that? Is Luxembourg smarter than everyone else?]

President George W. Bush uses a recess appointment to install John Bolton as ambassador to the United Nations, bypassing the Senate after a testy standoff with Democrats. [Now he makes them Democrats testy commenting on FoxNews, later works as President Trump’s National Security Advisor (after being UN ambassador again.) Democrats are so cute when they’re angry.]

August 1, 2006

Mel Gibson apologizes to everyone. [He denies being bigoted while apologizing to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words he'd used when arrested for investigation of drunk driving (he was drunk.) But if you’ve a problem with your behavior when you consume alcohol, don’t consume alcohol. People go nuts when told this. Weird.]

Fidel Castro releases a statement a day after temporarily ceding power to his brother Raul in which he tries to reassure Cubans that his post-intestinal surgery health is stable. [He hopes. It is. Of course, he assumes everyone believes what he says because he says it. He realizes that until he appears in public, folks will assume the worst, so he does. He’s still El Jefe.]

August 1, 2007

The entire span of the Interstate 35W bridge spanning the Mississippi River in Minneapolis, MN breaks into sections and falls into the river. [That it’s under construction when it collapses might have been some cause; occupied vehicles plummet anyway. 13 dead; 8 missing, presumed dead; 45 injured. Later research finds photos showing sagging trusses (stress) that had the expected end. Then there was the school bus with 63 children on board.]

The island of Vanuatu gets a Richter scale 7.2 earthquake. [As the economy is largely agrarian, few buildings fall. Maybe that’s the point these earthquakes are trying to make. They’re trying to force us to do what we keep singing and get us back to the garden.]

August 1, 2008

K-2 kills 11 of the ants (humans) crawling up its back, injures 3. [@ 28,251’, it’s 2nd highest but definitely most dangerous (no gentle upslope like Mt. Everest has.) 1) Climbing season is June-August. 2) June-July have storms, making for an August Rush. 3) Being smarter, the Americans turn around to return, creating a trail bottleneck. 4) 2 deaths further delay. 18 reach the summit by 20:00, so a serac (chunk of glacier) cuts loose, cuts ropes, cuts lives, cuts paths. Maybe jetpacks should be required wear.]

Communist China opens its Beijing–Tianjin Intercity Railway. [That 72.7 miles between those 2 cities but be a profoundly boring, enervating slog to persuade the Communist government to install a high speed rail line merely to get to work on time. 47 train pairs to begin with; next month, 10 more. 2nd class 1-way (you and me) = ¥55 ($8 if you don’t count the exchange tax.) If you think of it as a Disneyland ride, 244 mph is quite the thrill.]

August 1, 2010

Begun in Dublin, Ireland May 30, 2008, the Convention on Cluster Munitions today goes into effect. [That is, becomes enforceable, whatever that means. So far, 93 signatories promise to neither develop nor stockpiles bombs that scatter to bomblets (which really do damage.) I expect a terrorist to work up a D.I.Y. version any day now. As long as we’re banning weapons, how about outlawing nuclear bombs, too? (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!)]

August 1, 2012

Financial Services outfit Knight Capital installs a new cloud-based, high-frequency trading software. [The software’s algorithm has about as much rithm as Al Gore: it begins making losing trades . . . ~40x/second. Knight Capital stock loses ~75% of its value as this 1 faceless employee loses $440,000,000 in 3 days. Good night, good Knight; good morning, good mourning.]

August 1, 2013

(See August 7, 1986) The U.S.S.R. Soviet Union Russia says ex-NSA employee Edward Snowden left Moscow’s airport. [Which means he’s in the country of Russia, which means he has asylum there (not in Venezuela as had been expected.) He earlier said, Any analyst at any time can target anyone, any selector anywhere. We later learn he told the truth.]

August 1, 2014

Since the Council of Europe began the signing 3 years ago (May 11, 2011), today, the Convention on preventing and combating violence against women and domestic violence takes effect. [Mostly-Moslem Turkey led the signing (and it occurred in Istanbul.) 39 signers so far. Its enforcement is defining such violence as both discrimination and a human rights violation. But so is everything else, so nothing will actually change.]

August 1, 2016

Typhoon Nida (the 3rd of 3 so named) wades ashore in Hong Kong. [75 mph winds, 90 mph gusts. See May 13, 2004 + November 21, 2009 for not living up to its ancestors.]

Meanwhile, well NW, where it’s as dry as Hong Kong is wet, Kabul, Afghanistan has 2 Taliban attempt to invade the foreign-workers compound. [I've spent eight years in Afghanistan and it was the loudest and the most heavy blast I have ever experienced (Afghanistan Broadcast System COO Andreas Wilmers.) A whole truck full of the nitrates! None in the compound injured; 1 policeman killed; both attackers die. The Taliban is the Typhoon Nida of Afghanistan.]

August 1, 2017

(See July 16, 2016) Turkey begins ~500 trials of sundry conspirators for last year’s non-coup. [They expect these 500 trials of über-high-level folks (e.g., former Air Force commander Akin Ozturk) to occupy a month. See you in September. See you when the summer's thru. But August will be unusually warm (Hot town, summer in the city. Back of my neck feeling radiocity.)]

Herat, Afghanistan’s Jawadia Mosque (city’s largest Shi’ite mosque) gets a Sunni making Mohammad a liar, again. [He enters, looks at all the fellow Moslems praying to the same Allah, and opens fire. Jammed rifle merely means time to explode himself. Official death toll: 20+. Eyewitness death toll: 100+. I’m sure the murderer saw some of these guys last year in Mecca. I blame their Madrasas schools; no one reads the Quran, anymore.]

Jealous of California’s 10,000 earthquakes/year (only 41? Really?), Oklahoma begins to try to catch up today. [5 earthquakes (2.0 – 5.0, but if it registers on the seismometer, it counts) today, 2 more in ~30 hours. Residents who moved out from California to be safe wonder what the frack is going on. TV news says it’ll be oil right.]

August 2

Costa Rica’s Our Lady of the Angels [Los Angeles, CA has that one sewn up already]

Bulgaria’s and Republic of Macedonia’s Ilinden (St. Ilya Day), a day of remembrance of the Ilinden-Preobrazhenie Uprising [An organized revolt against the Ottoman Empire; see 1903]

Russia’s Day of Airborne Forces [Go outside on a nice warm(er) day and look up at the planes]

August 2, 216 BC

The 2nd Punic War’s Battle of Cannae has Hannibal’s Carthaginian army defeat Lucius Aemilius Paullus’ and Gaius Terentius Varro’s numerically superior Roman army. [Not bad for a Celt. Varro had wanted to lead the troops out; Paullus advised against doing that right now; Varro leads them out, anyway; Paullus goes to help + dies; Varro escapes. Sometimes, it’s just gonna happen and the only way to avoid it is to walk away from everything.]

August 2, 1100

King William II of England (Rufus for his red face) is killed in a hunting accident. [Known is that he was shot with an arrow thru the lungs; Walter Tirel is later attached to the bow as owner. His brother Henry’s also present and runs back to London to be crowned successor—the body left there for a charcoal burner to find, collect, and return. Disliked enough to be assassinated? Better dead than Red?]

August 2, 1274

King of England Edward I finally lands at Dover to take his Crown. [He’d been away on the Crusades (#9, #9, #9, #9) when his dad died (took his time returning.) See 1307.]

August 2, 1307

The Pope exempts Templars from English King Edward’s tax. [This might be why they’re later that unpopular. See October 13, 1307, for example. At this point, the Templars are the security force defending pilgrims Saladin and Richard’s Treaty of Ramla had agreed could visit (and spend money.) Later Moslems wondered, Who’s Ṣalāḥ ad-Dīn?]

August 2, 1610

Henry Hudson does a Columbus and sails into Hudson Bay, thinking he had made it through the Northwest Passage and reached the Pacific Ocean. [That the Pacific Ocean is ~9,000 miles wider is not known to him because the Spaniards hadn’t shared De Cano’s intel with him. I hate it when people make their knowledge proprietary; it’s as if knowledge is power.]

August 2, 1754

Architect, engineer, and Revolutionary War officer Pierre Charles L'Enfant is born in Anet, Eure-et-Loir, France (d. 06/14/1825.) [He designs the plan for the city of Washington D.C. and how the streets form a sort of pentagram. Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson pick the location—on the 33rd parallel, and he merely did what he could with available materials.]

August 2, 1776

Continental Congress delegates begin signing the United Colonies’ Declaration of Independence. [There are multiple copies, some which survive (many do not.) This signed beginning this date is the one displayed in Washington D.C.’s National Archives. Then there are all of Jefferson’s + Franklin’s + Adams’ corrections: which is the genuine? Is the Pursuit of Happyness really in there?]

August 2, 1791

Samuel Briggs and his son Samuel Briggs, Jr. of Philadelphia, PA receive a joint patent for their nail-making machine. [The first father-son pair to receive a patent. They aren’t the only ones with ideas in this area, but at least they have the family business nailed down.]

August 2, 1823

The New York Mirror and Ladies Literary Gazette is founded, Samuel Woodworth editing. [$4/year subscription. This weekly later became the daily New York Mirror. The Raven is 1st published with Poe’s name attached in this periodical, but since Poe dies young, there are no more genius poets to print so the thing goes out of business (Emily Dickinson is hiding.)]

August 2, 1824

In New York City, 5th Avenue opens. [A 5th? This is getting to be a habit.]

August 2, 1832

The Black Hawk War ends. [It’s named after the Sauk chief leading his people across the Mississippi into land where they can settle (Illinois) but which the U.S. government believes they own (from a well-disputed treaty.) This war brought to you by Abraham Lincoln, Winfield Scott, Zachary Taylor, and Jefferson Davis (they’re calling it practice.) Ol’ Black Hawk himself waves a white flag yesterday trying to surrender. Americans don’t care.]

August 2, 1858

The 1st mailboxes are installed along streets in Boston, MA and New York, NY. [The idea of mailboxes began in Belgium in 1848. We don’t invent; we improve.]

August 2, 1869

Japan's samurai, farmer, artisan, merchant class system (Shinōkōshō) is abolished as part of the Meiji Restoration reforms. [The Japanese calendar sticks this at June 25, 1869. More important is the fact that this change removes feudal lock-in of the class distinctions. Go forth and prosper. You aren’t born into a job anymore (now what do I do with myself?!)]

August 2, 1870

The world's 1st underground tube railway (the Tower Subway), opens in London. [It runs from Tower Hill to Vine Lane. However, the 1863 Metropolitan Railway between Paddington and Farrington Streets is the first underground railway. Later, someone leaves a bear in one of the stations and it must be adopted out.]

August 2, 1876

Wild Bill Hickok is shot in his back while holding aces and eights in a Deadwood, SD poker game. [Jack McCall foments a curious legal quandary by later bragging about the shooting. A braggart’s motivation can only be guessed; having shot Hickok, he’s then tried and acquitted. He goes to Wyoming, brags, and is arrested. Turns out Deadwood, SD at the time was Indian Territory so that li’l trial thingie wasn’t at all. Having a 2nd trial isn’t double jeopardy because he hasn’t had his constitutionally guaranteed real trial . . . yet. Acquitted in fiction but condemned in reality, he hangs by the neck until dead on March 1, 1877.]

August 2, 1892

Jack Leonard Warner is born Jacob Warner in London, Ontario (d. 09/09/1978.) [Perhaps this Warner Bros. Studios mogul explains why so many Canadians work in Hollywood. The other

Warner Brother is Sam Warner, with whom Jack argues; after Sam dies, he cons other brothers Harry and Albert into a joint sale of stock, then buys their shares, ably running it himself since the 1950’s. Business over family? Heh, he paid ‘em off. Notably, he names his successful business after the people he conned it out of, then makes movies to scare us away from doing wrong.]

August 2, 1902

William Murphy, Lemuel Bowen, + Henry M. Leland decide to form the Cadillac Automobile Company instead of selling off Henry Ford’s bankrupt assets. [Henry Leland name his new company after his ancestor, Antoine de la Mothe Cadillac, founder of the City of Detroit. The Cadillac is the 1st automobile with electric starter and electric lights. After WWII, the folks who worked on the P-38 (coolest fighter plane, ever) worked on the Cadillac. When asked about connoting speed, the best they could think of was to put fins on the rear so it looked like a P-38. Batman added jet assist.]

August 2, 1903

Anticipating the Fall of the Ottoman Empire, Bulgarians stage an unsuccessful uprising. [The Internal Macedonian Revolutionary Organization organizes this action against Ottoman Turkey while underestimating Turkey’s strength to put down rebellion. This is how we learn these things and do it correctly next time . . . or make others do it for us.]

August 2, 1905

Actress Myrna Loy is born Myrna Adele Williams in Helena, MT (d. 12/14/1993.) [Initially, she plays vamps and Orientals, but when she gets the Thin Man movie role of Nora Charles (with William Powell), her roles improved. She enters acting because her mom got sick: 1st pneumonia had them try La Jolla, CA as safer than Montana for a lung infection, and later Ocean Park, CA is a safer place for a hysterectomy than Helena. Myrna takes dancing lessons there, profits.]

August 2, 1914

Germany initiates its Schlieffen Plan. [Which plan is Germany’s response to the Anglo-Franco-Russian alliance. Surrounded, they reason that if they trounce France immediately, Britain and Russia will be less likely to join in. And, to get around French fortifications, they would instead send 34 divisions (90% of its army) around that border, thru Belgium, to take France. It’s a great plan if everyone sticks to it. We mean you, General Von Kluck. Punchline: there was an immediate glitch and one of the generals tried to cancel the plan after it had started: they realized that was impossible. The 20th century starts here (we are still dealing with the geopolitical fallout from this fiasco a century later.) Fate is still not God’s thing but what we stupid humans insist upon.]

August 2, 1916

Austrian sabotage sinks Italy’s battleship Leonardo da Vinci in Taranto, Italy. [249 dead. The thing’s refloated to repair, never is, and ultimately becomes scrap metal. Sorry, Leo. Tell ya what, we’ll name a comic book character after you; nobody sabotages those.]

August 2, 1918

Japan announces it’ll deploy troops to Siberia after WWI. [But the war isn’t over yet! They fear the chaos of Russia internally will spread to infect other nations (such as Japan next door.) Ironically, certain Communists work for that exact same goal (Communism is order, not chaos.) Part of this announcement is Japan also saying they don’t need to ask the U.S. to do something they believe is necessary . . . like attack Pearl Harbor to continue getting oil.]

August 2, 1921

8 White Sox players are acquitted of losing the 1919 World Series for gambling purposes. [And are permanently banned from baseball anyway. Can you say double jeopardy? How about Illegal lockout? They could always play the negro leagues.]

August 2, 1922

Alexander Graham Bell dies (b. 03/03/1847.) [See August 4, 1922. He began by cribbing off of Helmholtz’s work, badly translating the German; however, If I had been able to read German in those days, I might never have commenced my experiments! Ignorance isn’t bliss, but it makes smart people work harder.]

August 2, 1923

President Warren Gamaliel Harding dies after delivering his last speech at the University of Washington (b. 11/02/1865.) [He had just visited Alaska (1st President to so do) and had the lethal combination of food poisoning, exhaustion, and pneumonia. The news of the corruption-in-his-administration-that-he-knew-nothing-about while he’s touring the country (see May 31, 1921 and October 25, 1929) doesn’t help. Harding hardly makes it to the hotel, dies of heart attack or stroke with 17 months on his term. Oh, and he’s was 1 of those Presidents elected in a year divisible by 20 who dies in office. Play Hail to the Chief Tecumseh now?]

August 2, 1924

John Carroll O'Connor is born in