Reflections of My Life

By William Koeppen

A journey through my life and what I learned about man, life, God, Godess's, and the Dead

• Language: English
• Publisher: William Koeppen
• Release date: Jun 13, 2019
• ISBN: 9781645703624

Book preview

Flashbulb memory

My first visual memory comes from when I was a baby, I can close my eyes and see it as clearly and detailed as one sees the details of a photograph.  I’ve learned that this is called Flashbulb memory, it’s a term that I found when searching for information on the average age at which we begin to have memories.  The information I found claims that flashbulb memories are usually strong emotions and personal connections, in my case there was neither anything emotional or personal, it just happened.  I was a baby, perhaps only several months old.  I opened my eyes and this image was captured of the hallway leading from my bedroom to the bathroom, I’m looking at a corner where the wall meets the ceiling.  I can see the wallpaper which a yellow, green and white floral pattern.  The picture includes details of the hallway leading to the bathroom.  What I think is unusual is I don’t have just a vivid picture of the hallway but also thoughts I was having.  Its like a modern digital photograph with an attached audio file.  I remember opening my eyes, I was aware that mom was carrying me, and thinking mom is taking me to the bathroom to change my diaper.  That’s it, a single image along with my thoughts, I have no other memories of that vivid nature until I’m 6 or 7 years old.  To this day I do not understand how a baby who is unable to speak, whose mind is essentially a clean slate can have such coherent thoughts.   I sometimes think why I couldn’t have opened my eyes and looked directly at my mother and snapped that image.  It would have been an incredible memory to have that vivid a picture of mom in my thoughts forever.

St. John’s Evangelical Lutheran School

My parents sent me to a private parochial school, St. John's Evangelical Lutheran school.  It was a typical little red schoolhouse, eight grades split into two rooms.  Grades one thru four on one side and grades five thru eight on the other.  It felt like I was related to everyone in the school, mainly because we were all German descent, there were last names like Koeppen, Koelper, Schuler, Lemke, Schroder.  I spent eight years, getting an hour of religion every day and in the final two years we would go over to the rectory of the church and get an hour of catechism.  Every day we had some prayer to memorize, it was just words to memorize and missing any meaning, not one of those prayers do I remember today.  I can close my eyes and distinctly see some of the books that we were used to teach us history.  At the top of the page was a large black blocked letter that was marked 4000 B.C., and God created the world, prior to this time there was only the void.  The book took you through an orderly history of the world until the birth of Jesus Christ.  I found myself questioning the idea of one God, but it was something that I dare not express out of fear that I would be reprimanded for having such thoughts.  As I grew older, I began questioning everything.  I questioned the validity of war.  Why does mankind seem to be hell bent on having war after war after war?  We keep hearing, if we have one more war, we will have peace.  However, the peace always seems short lived, and we then devolve very quickly back into yet another war.  Albert Einstein is broadly credited with exclaiming The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

I acted like everyone else just accepting everything we were being taught, but inside there was this inner voice which would question things that I didn't understand or didn't make sense.  There was a conflict going on in my head, I could not accept what I was being taught as the truth.  There was a time, and one time only that I questioned a statement that my teacher made, he said that all people who lived prior to the birth of the Jesus Christ who had not heard of or did not believe in the prophecy of his coming went to hell.  I dared to ask for clarification, are you saying that everyone who had not heard or did not believe the prophecy, like people in China or American Indians would go to hell.  He paused for a second and with a stern voice he answered with a resounding yes.  Just from the look on his face I knew, I dare not question any further, so much for critical thinking.  According to the mythology His alleged birth was announced to a handful of peasant shepherds, the alleged savior of the world and who is told, some peasants.  No mention of his birth is announced to the Chinese, East Indians, Incas, Mayans, North American Indians, no one except a few peasant shepherds, and according to my teacher every single living soul on the planet, who had not heard of the prophecies or who had heard but did not believe went to hell.  None of this history was ever treated as a religious belief, nope this was factual recorded history.  I cannot recall any mention of evolution, the big bang, or even some passing mention of dinosaurs, this was quality Christian education.  I was full of doubt but was afraid to ask anyone if they had the same thoughts out of fear of being exposed or ridiculed or even worse being disciplined for questioning or not believing.

The method of teaching was one of embarrassment or humiliation, make a mistake and the whole class knew.  A chart was kept in the back of classroom with all our names, every time you answered all questions correctly on a test you got a star by your name, it seems I was always the one with the fewest stars.  Both teachers kept a leather strap in their desk, get out of line and suffer the consequences.  I can’t remember it being used that often but none the less it was there.

In addition to having bible classes 5 days a week I also had to go to Sunday school and church every Sunday.  Our pastor gave the most boring lengthy sermons one could ever imagine.  A good example is Ben Stein the teacher in Farris Bueller’s Day Off, no inflection just a steady stream of words coming out of his mouth.  His sermons could go on for a half hour or more, I do remember one time a young person turned around and looked at the clock that hung on the wall of the balcony.  The pastor looked at him with a rather disturbed look on his face and said it’s only been 15 minutes.  The organist was also our teacher for grades 5 through 8, he seemed to have on ongoing feud with the pastor.  If he was unhappy with the sermon, like too long or exceptionally boring he would play a particularly long loud organ piece at the end of his sermon.  I couldn’t help but think of the splendid example of Christian fellowship.

St. John’s was located on the edge of a forest preserve, it was about 5 acres or so that was cut from the forest for the school, a church, a home for the pastor and one for the teacher, playground equipment and baseball field.  We had fun playing in the forest during recess, the forest was vivid green, it had a dark green canopy formed from the trees, the forest floor was solid green covered with violets, jack in the pulpits, ferns and countless other wildflowers, song birds singing.  It was equally as fun and beautiful in the winter, the forest would be silent, trees bending with the weight of freshly fallen snow.  It was peaceful walking through this quiet forest. 

I had mentioned earlier how the town I lived in was a community, my parents knew everyone on our block.  Doesn’t mean we were get together and party friends, it means they at least knew their names, we would know their children, what they did for a living, they would recognize them if we were out shopping.  My school was several miles from our home, the farms, businesses, homes we passed on the way to school it seemed like we knew every family and the owners of every business.  Today people frequently don’t know who lives next door to them. 

The big box corporations had not yet invaded small rural town America, it was a community.  Where I grew up, we knew everyone’s name who lived on the block, it wasn’t that we were close friends, we knew their faces and names.  The same was true for some relatives who lived several blocks away, they knew everyone on the block and most the people on the next block. 

It’s the 1950’s

Looking back this was a transitional period in the world.  I grew up in a small Mid-western town which was primarily a farming community.  It’s what I would call the good old days.  It was a time before the infestation of corporate franchises, interstate highways, computers, and the digital era, it was a slower, saner.  However, those things were just slightly around the corner.  All the business’s in town were family owned, every business had a face, a person, and we knew that person’s name, they were Don or Ed or Dan or John.  We knew that Don or Ed or Dan or John had a wife and we knew her name.  They had children, a boy, a girl, and we knew their names.  This was 55-60 years ago, and I can still remember many of the businesses.  There was the Welflin grocery store, next door was his brother’s variety store.  Across the street was Fausbender hardware store, on the corner just down the street was The Royal Blue, a small family restaurant.  The opposite corner was Dan Horcher service station.  Further down the road was a flower shop/greenhouse.  Across the street was a outdoor furniture store Hagerstrom.  We had the local butcher, The Amvets, Mcntyre lumber and building supply, Jeffery Lanes for bowling, the first pizza parlor in town was called Ceasars, the Hartman House where my parents met. Of course, there was the Koeppen farmstand where you could buy fresh vegetables, and by fresh, I mean picked that day.  All these family owned businesses used the local bank, which served our community. 

As a young kid, it seemed like we knew everyone, miles away and we knew their names.  There were the Koeppen’s, the Lemke’s, the Schuler’s, the Koelper’s, the Schuett’s.  This was our community, but by the late 50’s something happened that would start a chain events that would forever change our community.  My mother was excited a new grocery store was coming to town called the Jewel.  I still can see my mother saying – on Friday’s it will be open until 9PM – WOW!  This was the first corporate chain to appear in town, all your grocery shopping needs under one roof, oh the convenience.  The Jewel opened right behind Welflin’s grocery, a short time after the Jewel opened the Welflin’s grocery closed its doors and a short time after that the local butcher closed.  Corporations had arrived, and they would forever alter the face of our local community.

There was one problem, the Jewel had no face, no person who had a wife and children, no family, just a soul-less business that was open until 9PM on Fridays.  At the end of the day the money made at the Jewel would leave the community and be deposited in some corporate account in another city or state.  Today when I say Walmart, Home Depot, Best Buy, do you see a face, a person who has a wife and children, a family or is it just a soulless building?  I wonder, if we could have turned the page and peeked at a time in the future would we have still welcomed the Jewel and other big box stores with open arms?

Corporations decimated family owned businesses, thousands if not 10’s of thousands closed because they couldn’t compete.  Family owned business through which they supported their families, bought homes, put their children through college were forced to close.  Now they work for big box stores and in many cases barely making a livable wage.  I read an article in which a corporate CEO stated that if they could eliminate human beings from the work force, they would do so.  It looks like their dream will come true and it will be more devastating than the arrival of big box stores – Robotics!  Another article that stated 47% of the jobs available today will disappear to robotics/automation, hell even lawyers would be replaced, only specialized lawyer positions would still exist.  47% - damn!  The article went on to say that jobs would be created to replace those displaced by robots, but they didn’t know what those would be. I would venture to say those jobs won’t pay well.  People won’t be building robots – robots will build robots.  Low skill jobs even blue-collar jobs will most likely be taken over by robots.  I saw a video a few days ago where a robot was installing drywall, even lawyers may be replaced with automated legal assistance, only specialized lawyers will still be handled by humans.  If our current political environment has its way there will be no minimum wage, no benefits, no universal health care, forget pensions, vacations or retirement.  Will we end up with our country looking like the TV series Incorporated where the 1% have everything and everyone else lives in squalor just trying to exist.  I have few doubts that if corporations have their way that is the world we would live in.  It is time for us to re-establish local family owned businesses and pass laws to protect them from corporate predators.

When I was in the 5th or 6th grade, my grandfather died at a relatively young age.  The funeral was held at our church, the cemetery was a couple miles from the church.  I was told that when the funeral car pulled into the cemetery the last car was leaving the church.  I have no doubt this was an exaggeration, but it gives you an idea how large the funeral procession was.  A police officer who was directing traffic at a busy intersection said people were asking what famous person died.  His reply – just a farmer.  Just a farmer, but the whole farming community and others who may live miles away, came to pay respects, this was community.

In May of 1962 when I was in the 8th grade my oldest brother was killed in a car accident.  Another example of community reaching out, the funeral home received so many flowers the funeral home asked if they could send the flowers elsewhere.  He was just the son of a farmer, yet the community responded.  As one would expect his death had ramifications on our family, the accident occurred barely a mile away from our home, an area we would pass frequently, no matter how much time would pass the location would be a constant reminder of his death.  Also, our home would be a constant reminder of this tragic accident, consequently we moved to a small farm further North.  My father loved farming and this new 10 acres would provide him with many years of enjoyment. 

This would be a major change in my life, leaving behind Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, neighborhood friends for a fresh start on life.  A significant event had occurred about a year earlier, the first U.S. combat death happened in Vietnam.  With each passing week it was becoming obvious the United States was going to get involved in yet another war

My life up to this point was a happy, secure, loving family and friends.  But, one major problem, my life was being lived in a very small conservative bubble.  I knew nothing about life beyond the confines of our quiet little country town.  My only exposure in life were those I knew in school and church which were primarily German.  It seemed everyone in our neighborhood were German or Norther European.  There were only a couple kids my age where we lived, they went to a local public school and consequently had a different group of friends.  About the only food I ever had was German, I do not remember having some other ethnic food like Chinese, Sushi or Mid-eastern.  I had limited social skills because once again almost all my exposure was limited to school, family like aunts, uncles, and cousins and the few kids in my neighborhood.  Anything in the news always seemed so distant and of little consequence.  Our move to a new home would isolate me further, there was only one person that lived near us, he was a couple years older and we never found common ground for a friendship.

1962 High School

New town, new school, talk about a culture shock, I went from a small country school with 48 kids to a school with hundreds of kids, class schedules, and multiple teachers.  The one significant saving grace was I finally got away from a daily dose of prayer and bible teachings. Up to this point in my life my only cultural exposure was German and/or Northern European.  For the first time in my life I met Hispanic, and other nationalities, but this was still a Caucasian school, very few kids of color, no blacks. Other than perhaps at a distance I had never met let alone talked to a black person, Japanese, Chinese or any other ethnic background.  My first actual contact with a black person was in sports, and then only contact, no black friends or opportunity to have conservations.  High school presented me with a slightly expanded perspective on life albeit still limited as for the most part still only white students of European descent. 

I had few friends in high school, I did participate in sports and of course there was the comradery that one has with teammates.  But, at the end of practice or a game that was the end of our comradery, I had a car so on occasion I would give someone a ride home and that was the end of it.  I never had a group of guys that I hung around with, Saturday night I would simply go for a drive looking for someone at a drive in or one of the local places that kids my age would hang out, but never saw anyone I knew.  I didn’t date someone until late in my junior year and then I had a couple of teachers tell me that I could do better than her, that she wasn’t good enough for me.  I was socially awkward, I would trip over my words when trying to have a conversation, and it was something that my friends noticed also.  One time I was giving a couple of my team mates a ride home and one of them made a cynical joke about me, I guess I wasn’t supposed to hear it but everyone in the back seat had this muted mocking laugh, I felt embarrassed but didn’t say a