Laura's Family

By Robert Townsend

Book number 5 in the Laura series. Summertime is coming and the busy holiday season in Dunehaven seaside resort is hotting up! Laura and I, along with our friends Debra, Vince and Jessica are looking forward to long summer days, sunbathing and swimming in the sea. But our holiday plans are constantly ruined when hordes of Rodds and Mockers descend on our little seaside idyll and turn it into a major war zone! Debra wins the national final of the Miss Wet Tee Shirt competition at Stringvestfellows night club in London. But, despite this fame, she still keeps on causing much embarrassment to her long suffering boyfriend Vince. The local council keep on devising ever more inventive and devious ways to snoop on the private lives of the town's inhabitants, including sending round the rubbish police and a snooping toilet inspector. But when they erect a huge spying CCTV camera right outside our bedroom window, Laura and I take decisive action. As the problem with the mindless violence, vandalism and mayhem caused by fighting Rodds and Mockers spirals out of control, we discover an unusual magical solution in the form of Debra's award winning mammaries. Meanwhile we still can't persuade our little three year old daughter Tammy to wear her new swimsuit on the beach, and so we all end up going skinny dipping in the end!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Robert Townsend
• Release date: Jan 23, 2019
• ISBN: 9780463382844

Robert Townsend

I was born in the village of Histon, which is just outside Cambridge, England, in December of 1959. When I was four years old and my younger brother was one the family moved to a house in Stevenage, Hertfordshire as my father had obtained a new and better paid job for Stevenage Borough Council as a Public Health Inspector. At the age of fourteen, while still at school, I became very interested in astronomy and stargazing. I obtained my first good proper astronomical telescope in 1976 for my sixteenth birthday. After leaving school I went to work for a small company making quality hand built astronomical telescopes at Astro-Systems in Luton. I was made redundant eight years later when the owner emigrated to America to work designing telescopes for Celestron Corporation. There followed a series of short term jobs that were only temporary. Later, I went to college and did a course in creative writing. I had already written several short stories with a science fiction/fantasy theme. This was followed by a romantic autobiographical account of some personal experiences called "Terpsichore's Fire". Later, I returned to fiction and in a flash of inspiration I hit on the idea for a full length comedy/fantasy/sexy book, and "Laura's New Boyfriend" was born. In the last ten years or so, when I get the time, this has been followed by three more full length books with the same comic characters, plus a few new ones. They are: "Laura's Wedding", "Laura's Baby" and "Laura's Child", I would like to see them published online and in paperback someday soon. I also have ideas for other comedy stories with different themes and characters, some of whom are based on real unusual and eccentric people I have met over the years. I also like doing wildlife photography, prehistoric model making, Chinese food and drinking real ales in country pubs. I live with my girlfriend Sarah in Stevenage and my star sign is Sagittarius. Robert Townsend, Astronomer and Author.

Book preview

105

Title: Laura’s Family.

Author: Robert Townsend.

Copyright: Robert Townsend.

Author’s Statement: I can confirm that my fictional adult comedy novel contains no characters under the age of eighteen, and no taboo or tasteless sexual material as outlined in the Smashwords style guide.

Laura’s Family

1 Visit Sunny Dunehaven

"I am thy toad that evill shalt feare

Whatever thou sayest theye shalt heare,

Woe to the wikked for theye shalt rue

Whatever thou tellest them theye shalt doo."

It was a lovely warm summer Saturday in the middle of July. The holiday season in my home town of Dunehaven was reaching its’ peak, especially now that the schools were about to close for the long summer holidays. Families with kiddies would soon begin to descend on seaside holiday resorts like Dunehaven all along the south coast of England. They would be joining young couples and youth groups, who were already here and increasing in numbers. I had thought that this year we locals would experience the usual quiet and relaxed holiday atmosphere that we always have done. But this summer was destined to be a bit different from the usual thronging of happy go lucky normal crowds that we were used to. But, more about that later.

So there I was, relaxing at a table with a mug of hot Cappuccino coffee and waiting for my wife Laura to come and meet me in The Sugar Shack coffee bar on the pier. I had with me some reading matter to occupy my mind while I waited for her. They were two glossy colour magazines, which I had picked up for free from the tourist information centre at the top end of the pier on my way here. So I started to read and study one of them. The first was a brand new holiday brochure promoting family summer holidays in Dunehaven and published in an official capacity by Dunehaven Town Council. I found it intriguing and fascinating because never before had my small home town been promoted as a holiday resort on so grandiose a scale in any glossy publications until now. The hype and spin on the introduction page of the glossy brochure read as follows:

Dear Holidaymaker,

Welcome to Dunehaven, a small but bustling holiday resort on the south coast of England, with an extensive sandy beach and many large sand dunes at its’ western end. We are an expanding and growing little town with an expanding and growing population. But we are much more than just those things. Our amenities and visitor attractions are also expanding and growing to reflect this. All along the seafront and around the town centre there are now more shops and cafes, amusements and arcades, than ever before. The centrepiece of our seafront is of course the pier supporting its’ early twentieth century glasshouse, The Sugar Shack café, with its’ wonderful new computerised drinks dispensing machine. Food wise there is a wide selection locally produced cakes and pastries available, not to mention some exciting locally caught seafood snacks to purchase. The floral gardens, which were created in the 1950’s when Dunehaven first became a resort, have been expanded further along the seafront in both directions. Water features include a much enlarged boating lake and paddling pool. A crazy golf course, model village and children’s go-karting circuit have been completed and are now ready to enjoy. We have also greatly enlarged and improved the Golden Sands amusement park, including the construction of the giant Shark Ride rollercoaster imported from the Rolleride Company in the United States. A new multiplex multiscreen cinema has been built to replace the aging single screen one in Stanley Road.

For holiday accommodation we have three hotels, The Sussex, The Dorset, and the centrepiece of them being the Ryman Hotel with its’ famous seafood restaurant. There are also many guest houses to suit all pockets on or within walking distance of the seafront.

At the far western end of Dunehaven there lies the small fishing harbour of Sandy Cove with its ever popular restaurant and pub, The Drunken Sailor, which often plays host to local music events and competitions. Overlooking the harbour is the popular beauty spot and picnic area of Camberwell Heights. It was named after the rare Camberwell Beauty butterfly, which is known to have a small breeding colony there. If you are lucky you may well catch sight of this rare and colourful butterfly while taking a stroll up there on a sunny day in the spring or summertime.

Finally, new developments nearing completion include the construction of over a hundred new beach huts for sale or hire stretching out to the west, and the building of a new RNLI lifeboat launching station and observation tower at the eastern end of the seafront. We hope that you and your family will enjoy your stay with us, whatever your needs and interests, and whatever time of year you come. Happy holidays!

Yours Sincerely,

Peter Goldstone.

Chairman, Dunehaven Town Council.

Naturally all of the aforementioned was accompanied by many large colour photographs with captions, and showing the various places to visit off to the best effect.

Then I started to read and study the second magazine, which was completely different in attitude and style. It was a quirky youth culture and fashion magazine called Rodd World which, co-incidentally, contained a major article about day trips and holidaying in Dunehaven for its’ devotees. The article concerning Dunehaven read as follows:

Greetings to all you dudes and chicks out there! The future of cool belongs to us. In this edition of Rodd World the editorial staff have been really busy with our hip scene research on all the cool places to visit this summer, and we have some red hot news and stuff for you. Dunehaven, yes Dunehaven, you may not have heard of it yet, but you soon will do. It may sound dingy and dull, naff and quaint, the sort of hang out for old crinklies lounging around in hotel lobbies and waiting to kick the bucket, and stuck out in the middle of noncey nowhere land; and indeed it used to be exactly that. But things change and its’ location on the south coast of England and still within easy reach of the capital makes it ideal for Rodd meetings, parades and excursions. Even though it only has a small (although expanding) seafront promenade - which is not much to look at if you ask me - it more than makes up for this with its’ broad promenade, which is perfect for posing and modelling on. We are sure to get the widespread attention of the press and news media. Beyond this there is a sandy beach with giant grassy sand dunes spread around it, these are also ideal for posing and modelling on. Although not on the same scale as Brighton or Bournemouth, there are still enough amenities, attractions and things to do, and plenty of cheap accommodation of course; which is all that really matters anyway. The night scene also has great potential if you are prepared to rough it a bit. After dark, the extensive beach and sandy dune area makes a great place for beach parties. There is plenty of potential for bonfires, boozing, joint puffing, glue sniffing, chick picking, logflogging, and any other ‘physical’ activities that large groups might feel the urge to indulge in. (Know wot I mean, know wot I mean, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more). Take my word for it; Dunehaven really is an idyllic setting for gatherings and parades. So dudes and chicks have your rally and meet up with other members of the Rodd pack here!

Yours till we meet up again,

Jonathan Rodd.

Editor-in-Chief.

Rodd World.

Copyright Rodd Enterprises Limited.

The following pages contained several rough and ready looking photographs of Dunehaven beach, seafront and pier. They were in complete contrast to the bright and sunny pictures reproduced inside the Town Council brochure, having been taken on a somewhat dull and overcast day, and looking like it was about to rain. At this point in time I really had no idea exactly what a Rodd was, although I supposed it must be something to do with being a follower of Mister Rodd, the creator of this publication. But what Rodds might do concerning all this posing and modelling at their gatherings, and precisely what the purpose of all this might be was a complete mystery to me. Did they really think that they would get away with smoking joints on a public beach? As for logflogging well, I dared not begin to speculate exactly what kind of activity that might be! Was it the sort of thing one did in public? Or in groups? I shuddered to think.

Deep in thought, I placed the magazines down, rested my elbows on the table top and raised the coffee mug to my lips. As I took a long sip I glanced upwards and caught sight of someone with whom I am very familiar come striding in through the sliding electric doors. It was my friend Debra Twigg. Wearing a white lacy blouse and a short black mini-skirt showing off her lanky and bare legs, she stomped along in a somewhat angry and sulky way. I got the impression that she was really miffed about something. Unusually for her, she was all alone and was not accompanied by her long term live in boyfriend Vincent Berry. Indeed, he was nowhere to be seen. Something was definitely amiss I thought, they must have had some silly argument about something or other I hazard to guess. Catching sight of me sitting on my own in a seating booth, she came storming over to me. Without saying a word, she sat down opposite me, blinked and stared at me momentarily, and then began to look down at her shoes and visibly sulk. I paused, and waited for her to say something, but she still didn’t speak.

Ah-hh! Debra arrives, so how are things with you today then? I enquired all innocently and pretended not to notice that something was wrong.

Bloody, bloody awful. She replied, looking up at me with a scowl.

Why? What’s happened now?

It’s Vince. I don’t think I am going to be with ‘im for much longer. We might be splittin’ up soon. She whined and continued to sulk.

Why, what’s he done now?

It’s what he’s goin’ to do.

Aw no-oo, he’s not dumping you for another woman is he? Cos’ if he is then he’s a rotten dirty love rat if you ask me.

No, it’s worse than that.

"What you mean much worse?"

Much, much worse.

Don’t tell me he’s got some health problem, he’s not been diagnosed terminally ill; he’s not dying is he?

Nope, nope much worse than that. She shook her head vigorously.

I give up, what on earth could be worse than either of those two things?

He’s gonna have a sex change.

He wha-aat! I nearly dropped my coffee cup.

He’s going in for a complete sex change.

You’re kidding! He’s not is he? That doesn’t sound like the Vince I know. Where is he right now anyway?

"He’s in that River Island clothing shop. I heard him telling a girl in there that he wants to have a sex change; you know the op to chop orff his dongle and nuts. So I walked orff and left him in there. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life living with another woman. I don’t wanna become a lezzie just to suit his new lifestyle choice." She began to visibly shake and weep. I saw several large tears come rolling down her cheeks and splash onto the table top.

No, I don’t suppose you would want to do that. But why on earth does he want to have this sex change op all of a sudden?

It’s because his underpants don’t fit him anymore.

But that’s completely daft. It’s a really, really silly reason. If his wedding tackle is getting too big and bulky then why doesn’t he just buy some larger more reinforced underwear?

I dunno. But he’s determined to go ahead with it, cos’ I heard him telling this girl and then an older woman who was her boss, that he wanted a complete sex change.

But why would he tell them that information and not you?

I dunno. Maybe he was too scared to tell me or sumfin’. She buried her face in her hands and began to sob quite loudly. I heard the sliding doors swish open again and looking up I saw Vince come striding in. Catching sight of me and Debra he came strolling over towards us, looking somewhat confused and bewildered.

Oh, here you are, in here with Rob. What’s the matter with you? Why did you go storming off and leave me in the underwear shop like that?

I don’t want you to have a sex change just because your underpants don’t fit you anymore! She sobbed even louder. The young woman serving drinks from the machine and several other customers on the other side of the room stopped what they were doing to turn and stare at us.

I’m not! I’m not having my meat and two veg chopped off, whatever gave you that idea you daft moo?

But I overheard you telling those two women in that shop…..

"They were shop assistants; I was taking back those two packets of underpants I bought there because they were the wrong size. I told them I wanted to have an exchange."

Oh-hh….. She fell silent and stopped crying as the penny dropped.

Ah-hh, ha, ha! It made me laugh out loud.

You daft cow, I wouldn’t go in for a gender reassignment at any cost. I’m not going to take female hormones to grow some titties. Besides, how are we supposed to start a family soon if I have all my wedding tackle removed?

You’re starting a family soon? I was intrigued.

Yes…..well, we’re thinking about it anyway. He shrugged.

Would you like to order something now? A waitress came over to us with a pencil and notepad in hand.

Yes please, two cappuccino coffees and two prawn sandwiches…..No, make that three prawn sandwiches; one for Rob as well for putting up with all this daft nonsense.

Thanks. I smiled back at them. The lady went to fetch the order.

If we do have any kiddies then I hope that they don’t grow up to be as daft as you. He told her. I felt like telling him that being daft and is what Debra is famous for; gormless is her middle name, but I thought it best to hold my tongue. Our food and drink was duly delivered and we all silently got stuck in. After all that Debra heaved a huge sigh of relief and cheered up enormously. I finished eating my sandwich and then turned to address Vince.

So what do you make of all this Rodd business in the newspapers then? I had assumed that he knew what I was talking about.

Rodd business? What Rodd Business? What’s a Rodd?

Oh…..you haven’t read anything yet. Here have a read of this and tell me what you think. Opening up the Rodd World magazine, I folded it over to the article featuring Dunehaven and then handed it to him for him to study. While I waited patiently for him to read it, Laura arrived at The Sugar Shack. She came in wheeling our little three year old daughter Tammy along in her pushchair. She was wearing her long white summer frock, the one with all the large yellow sunflower prints on it, and Tammy was wearing her little toddler plain white summer frock in tandem with her mother. Momentarily glancing around to see where I might be, I gave her a wave to attract her attention. Catching sight of me, she smiled and waved back and then came over to join us. She parked Tammy at the end of the table and sat down in the empty seat beside me as I shuffled along to make it vacant. There was a white plastic shopping bag bulging with shopping hanging from the handle of Tammy’s pushchair. I could see an unusual cellophane packed package poking out from the top of the bag.

What’s that you’ve got in the bag then? I enquired. She took it out and laid it flat on the table to show me.

And where’s my kiss? She asked.

Oh….. I turned sideways to embrace her and our lips met for a long kiss of greeting.

"I went to Mothercare and I bought a kids’ bathing costume for Tammy. It’s very fashionable and cute, see here….." Lifting up the bag vertically, she tore open the top and pulled it out to show me. The garment was a white one piece girls’ swimsuit, there were no patterns or writing on it, just a plain creamy white. It had little tie up shoulder straps that could be adjusted for length. The material was quite thick and strong to resist the wear and tear and the rough and tumble of a child’s running, swimming and playing. It was also designed to stretch quite a bit in all directions to accommodate a child’s growth rate.

That ought to do the job quite nicely. I commented.

What has she worn for swimming up to now then? Vince wanted to know.

Well…..er-rr, nothing much really, she’s just been wearing her thin cotton knickers, which aren’t really suitable because they won’t last long in the sand and sea.

This sounds like a good investment then.

Yes, it’s good to have the right gear for the job. She confirmed.

Let’s ‘ave a good look at it then. Said Debra as she reached forward to take it out of Laura’s hands for a close scrutiny. Turning to face the entrance doors where the bright summer sunlight came streaming in, she held it up to the light to study the material more closely.

Yep, that oughta be OK. I don’t think there’s much chance of it going see froo when it gets wet.

I should hope not. I want Tammy to be able to preserve some degree of modesty and decorum while out bathing in public now.

Perhaps you should get yourself an adult version of the same style of bathing costume now. I suggested.

I’ve done better than that; I’ve got myself a sexy little tie up bikini for the beach. It’s in the bag under those toilet rolls.

Oo-oh! Let’s have a look at it! What colour is it? I exclaimed excitedly as I reached forward and began to rummage around under the domestic shopping items. It didn’t take me a moment to find it. Pulling it forth, I laid out another cellophane packet on the table for everyone to see.

It’s white, the same as Tammy’s one. You two like dressing in sympathy with each other don’t you? remarked Vince.

A creamy white. She corrected him.

Wot no bikini for Tammy as well? Debra wondered.

"Mothercare doesn’t make them that small."

Still…..maybe one day….. I added.

By then she’ll most likely be old enough to wear an adult bikini and buy it herself.

Of course. Have you finished with reading that article yet Vince?

Yeah…..er-rr, well…..to be completely honest, I don’t know what I really think. I hope that there aren’t too many of these Rodd people coming our way and that they don’t overwhelm our town. I hope that they don’t crowd the rest of us out on the beach and in the cafes and such anyway.

Wot’s a Rod anyway? Isn’t it some sort of metal pole or sumfin’? Debra was puzzled.

That’s Rodd with two d’s instead of one. According to that magazine article and something I read in the newspaper yesterday, it’s some sort of new fashion movement, you know a cult group or something. It appears that they like to visit seaside holiday resorts for their mass gatherings and now Dunehaven has become top of their list.

Just as long as they don’t bother us that’s all. Vince said solemnly. With that I supped my coffee in silence. By now little Tammy had dozed off to sleep. As we bought various cakes, biscuits and more cappuccino coffees for ourselves, the four of us continued to chat and debate some more. Presently, after bidding our farewells to Vince and Debra, Laura and I, with a very tired Tammy, caught the next bus home. With high pressure dominating the south coast and reluctant to move away, the weather remained fine and sunny all through that weekend and well into the following week. It seemed that nothing could spoil or interrupt our peaceful life in our quiet little seaside idyll.

Early on the following Sunday morning, before we set off for church, we had a visit from the local health worker, or community nurse, who came to do a quick health check on Tammy. The nurse did a thorough test, which included her eyesight, hearing, throat, blood pressure, breathing and reflexes. She concluded by doing a close inspection of Tammy’s unusual birthmark. It is situated on the outside of her left thigh, about midway between the hip and the knee. It had been there from birth and during this whole time it hadn’t moved or altered in size or colour. Taking out a magnifying glass, the nurse lifted up one side of Tammy’s little white frock to examine it in close up. In this location there is a reddish-purple ‘port wine stain’ in the shape of a perfect crescent moon about one inch in diameter. Instantly the nurse seemed puzzled.

Hmmmm…..I simply can’t understand it. Now that she is more than three years old this birthmark should be almost gone by now, but it hasn’t faded or begun to disappear one little bit.

Yes it’s a bit strange isn’t it?..... I commented.

…..We’re just glad that it isn’t anywhere noticeable or embarrassing like on her face or neck. That would be a bit of a social handicap.

Yes, it could have been like that.

Have you seen any other children with a birthmark the same or similar to this? I felt it would be interesting to enquire.

No, never. The nurse replied.

"I think it’s been put there to signify that she is something different