Healthy Marriages

By OJ Smith

Healthy Marriages is a book based on 19 principles designed to rejuvenate your marriage. In addition to these basic principles this book places emphasis
on effective communication. Becoming A Better Communicator in Dialogue
(The ABCnD's) of communication.
It also emphasizes the powerful value of Self Conviction. a first step in moving towards resolution. This book will introduce you to several real life couples who have put many of these principles to practice for positive outcomes. It will also introduce you to several couples who have missed the opportunity and the impact to their relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 1, 2019
• ISBN: 9781543968644

Book preview

© OJ Smith 2019

Print ISBN: 978-1-54396-863-7

eBook ISBN: 978-1-54396-864-4

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress…

This struggle may be a moral one; or it may be a physical one; or it may be both moral and physical; but it must be a struggle.

- Frederick Douglass

Acknowledgements

Writing this book has been a unique experience for me. It’s been long, challenging, time consuming and a huge learning experience for me.

I’d like to thank my wife Lisa who has been patient with me during the writing process as well as supportive and helpful.

I thank my kids Brandon and Candace who have been supportive in ways you can never imagine.

Thanks to my family who have supported my efforts while writing this book.

I’d like to thank my friend, book coach and mentor Holly Helscher, for spending numerous hours and sharing your writing expertise in helping me get from start up to manuscript mode.

I’d like to thank Momma and my sister Niece for helping me capture perspectives and keeping me grounded with our earlier years experiences that have contributed to this book.

Thanks to my beta readers Kelli Wilson, Mark and Jena Michel, Tony and Mellanie Sammond, Jean Cassell, Colette Ledford. Your timelines and willingness to share your thoughts and feedback was very helpful. I really absorbed everything (the good and not so good but constructive feedback) you shared. I really appreciated this part of the process.

Thanks to my copy editor, Illustrator and graphic designer BookBaby for making sure this book is grammatically correct. For your expertise and time in polishing my manuscript. For you professional skills, follow up and contributions to this book. For providing me graphic design support and helping me design the front and back cover.

Thanks to all the couples (who wanted to remain nameless) for providing the case studies. Thanks for allowing me to interview in the field to gain clarity, insight and practical experiences.  Thank you for your time and assistance.

Thanks to Cincinnati area First Watch Restaurants and the cooks, servers and management team for being warm, welcoming and supportive. Thanks for numerous hours spent there writing, reading and working on this project.

This book is dedicated to my wife, Lisa, who I have known, loved, partnered with and been married to for more than half of my entire life.

Thirty-one years and counting.

Our union has taught me a great deal about marriage, myself, our relationship and life in general.

The lessons I have learned are priceless and for that, and to you, I am forever grateful.

Each chapter in this book corresponds to a letter in Healthy Marriages. At the conclusion of each chapter, I’ll remind you where you are, where you’ve been, and the upcoming content.

To start, listed next are the chapters and the basic content each of them will cover:

Happy Hearted – a union created out of mutual feelings of love and respect

Engaged – the continuous dialogue between spouses about everything from the mundane to the serious

Alienation – the separation of affection, warmth, and spiritual connection with a spouse

Left Overs – the act of serving your spouse the vestiges of your energy

Travel Often – investing in your relationship by setting aside the usual routine

Have Fun – creating individual spaces for the two of you, all of you, and the kids and you

Y(W)hy Save Scriptures – keeping key Biblical passages close for guidance in maintaining a Happy Heart

Interlude - Alpha and Omega – what husbands and wives need from one another

Math on Your Miracle – miracles aren’t based on your finite logic

Accommodation – supplying or agreeing to something for purposes of peace or reconciliation even if you are not in full support

Repeat and 3peat Your Wins – identifying what works in your relationship and doing it again and again

Remember When You Were Young and in Love? – the overarching level of six types of love you’ll encounter in marriage

I nitiator – to begin, to get started, to propose

Agape Love – the overarching level of six types of love you’ll encounter in marriage

Grow Old Together – an ongoing assessment and dialogue of how your lives change over the years and the adjustments you make in response to the changes

Examine Your Heart Before God – becoming your best, most authentic self for the situation

Sexual Intimacy – physical closeness occurring at the times and frequency agreed upon by the couple

Start at the Beginning

Conclusion

Contents

Prologue

Introduction

Part I:

What to Expect When Working the Principles

Part II:

The Goals for Using This Book

Part III:

The ABCnDs – A Better Communicator in Dialogue

Part IV:

The Basic Structure of the Book

Chapter 1: Happy Hearted

Chapter 2: Engaged

Chapter 3: Alienation

Chapter 4: Left Overs

Chapter 5: Travel Often

Chapter 6: Have Fun

Chapter 7: (Y)Why save scriptures?

Chapter 8: What Men and Women Need

Chapter 9: Math on your miracle?

Chapter 10: Accommodation

Chapter 11: Repeat and 3peat your wins

Chapter 12: Remember when you were young and in love

Chapter 13: Initiator

Chapter 14: Agape love

Chapter 15: Grow Old Together

Chapter 16: Examine your heart before God

Chapter 17: Sexual Intimacy

Chapter 18: Start At The End

Chapter 19: Conclusion

Prologue

Hi,

I’m OJ Smith and I’ve been married to the love of my life, Lisa, for over thirty-one years. If you ask me how that’s possible in a society where the statistics for divorce are so high, I’d tell you when I committed to her, I determined to maintain a healthy marital relationship. When I vowed for better or worse, I meant it. But I also knew hoping we’d remain together forever was a bad strategy. If forever was something I wanted, then hope wasn’t enough. My feelings for her right then weren’t enough, either. I had to invest in our relationship, but not once a week or once a year on our anniversary. It had to be daily and consistent, and still has to be.

I didn’t have examples of marriages when I was growing up. My mother and her sisters were single parents. My grandmother (gruma) and sisters, and all their friends were also single mothers. The only relatives I had that were married were my mama’s parents, but I didn’t see them often. They were happily married for over sixty years. My family was a matriarchy of lone mothers, so my picture of a harmonious marriage was incomplete at best.

When I visited with friends, I’d notice their parents together eating dinner, playing games, or even having simple conversations. My mother had taught me it wasn’t polite to stare, but I stared at them anyway. They were like the married couples on television shows. It was hard for me to believe families like that existed in real life. But there they were, right in front of me.

You’ll notice that a lot of the examples in this book come from other people’s marriages. I felt that if I provided examples only from my own marriage, it may be difficult to accept challenges in all the principles popping up in most relationships over time, and more than once. But I can assure you that my marriage has not been perfect. I’ve stumbled with almost all of the principles. But in spite of the minimal examples from my own marriage, I’ve been able to use my common sense and imagination, which constitute the principles, to make my marriage a positive relationship. Lisa shares my commitment and philosophies and contributes at the same level. That’s the other part of maintaining a healthy marriage. You can’t do it alone. Your spouse has to participate.

What you are about to read is not a work based on ideas presented by philosophers, theologians, or experts. The ideas don’t belong to me because I didn’t invent or discover them. They aren’t patented like a product. All I’ve done is identify workable principles gathered over thirty years of personal research. What I learned in the validation process is that these principles work every time.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married three months, three years, or thirty years. The principles of a healthy marriage float around us like air. So why not grab them and apply them in your life and create the marriage you want to have? The sooner you start implementing them, the sooner your marriage can be better than you ever thought possible, and also stay that way.

To your healthy marriage,

OJ Smith

Introduction

Disclaimer: I believe this book can help two people who are equally willing to make an attempt to reclaim their relationship. If, however, one person is trying and the other person is not—for any reason, which might include being influenced by drugs or alcohol, or involve physical abuse—I think the relationship repair process is beyond the scope of this book.

There’s a difference between a healthy marriage and perfect marriage. The former is possible while the latter is not.

Know that I am here to coach you in this. I’m not a pastor, although I am a man of deep faith. I’m not a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a social worker. I’m someone who started life in a ghetto and lived a life of redemption. But even with a shaky start, I was a seeker and a teacher. Even in the worst moments of my life, I’ve always had a passion for and excelled at coaching peers, kids, and people within the workplace.

In my life, I’ve always been able to take challenging situations and turn them around. When someone feels he or she is losing the battle of understanding, I can transform it into a positive situation.

I worked in corporate America for thirty years. There I realized I had a pure calling to coach and mentor. I used to think I was called to be a preacher or some great educator, or perhaps a high-level coach because these are innate abilities I possess. But my true calling is walking with people like me, muddling through situation after situation. I want to help each person who wants help. I want to uncover each challenge they face. And in the process of discovery, learn about myself and our common humanity. Then I want to come up with practical and logical ways to overcome the universal struggles we encounter.

When working through Healthy Marriages, keep in mind that while you may be confident of the individual purpose of your life, you also have a purpose to fulfill in your marital relationship. It has two components. The first is to be the best partner you can be each day. The second is to wake up each morning asking yourself how you can contribute to making the day the best it can be for your partner. If you both strive for these two things, even if you come up a little short, you’ll quickly discover the approach can quantifiably improve your marriage.

In spite of the length of time I’ve been married, I’m still working the steps. I may successfully execute one step only to see it fall out when the family dynamic or situation changes. So I go back and rework it. Carrying out one or more principles is never a one-and-done situation. Like me, you’ll go back and review them—then improve how you’re doing.

Part I:

What to Expect When Working the Principles

When we marry, we don’t think of any task resembling self-conviction. We don’t anticipate our relationship lapsing into something less than when it started out. But it’s the nature of people, and also circumstances to change and we have to change with them. Some changes are beneficial. Others aren’t.

When you make changes you see as benefiting the relationship, it’s vital that you both acknowledge it. I can’t emphasize this enough. If you don’t make positive comments and express appreciation for the efforts your spouse makes, and identify how it helps, the relationship won’t move in a positive direction. So make it a point to speak up.

As you work through this book, you’re going to learn more about yourself. You won’t want to examine yourself or admit to personal failings. I’ll be asking you to look at yourself in the mirror while doing a little introspection. You may want to resist, rather than admit, Yeah, I do that. We don’t like proclaiming ourselves guilty because undermining our relationship with our spouse is unintentional.

There is a business phrase resembling what I’m asking you to do: Acknowledge, Apologize, Act. If you’re wrong, acknowledge it and apologize. But without a follow-up action, apologies are meaningless. So, your last step is to alter your behavior to bring about a positive change.

If you want to make your marriage healthy, this is the commitment. Holding yourself responsible for who you are and what you’ve done is the bravest thing you can do for your relationship.

The steps I’m presenting here will help, save, and propel a marital relationship to the heights you may not ever have anticipated.

If you recognize yourself in this book, don’t worry if you feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed. That’s normal and even expected. It means you’re serious about your undertaking. If you struggle through self-conviction and change, then I hope some of the suggestions in the book will help you manage the adjustments you want to make. The goal is to improve the marriage rather than lose it in favor of separation or divorce. I’m convinced if you implement these practices, you’ll be one of those couples married for thirty years who young people ask, How do you do it? And you’ll have the answer.

If you’re in a stable, joyful marriage, then these practices can make it even better. You’ll go from good to great.

I’ve laid this book out in an acronym as I did with CHIME. The acronym is the name of the book—HEALTHY MARRIAGES.

If you don’t want to do this alone, check out my Facebook page (OJBTalkin or OJ Smith), or my video series on YouTube (OJBTalkin). Visit my website OJBETalkin Website

http://www.ojbetalkin.com

http://www.OJBTalkin.com

Ask questions. I’m here to help you.

To your healthy marriage,

OJ

Part II:

The Goals for Using This Book

The best way to use this book is through honesty, introspection, and self-reflection leading to self-conviction and forgiveness. Assigning blame or ruminating on guilt is not helpful. In fact, as people, we tend to resist anything that robs us of the energy it takes to move forward. When you stop resisting, you’ll feel a surge of energy you may have forgotten you ever had.

Under each letter or section of the book, you’re going to engage in some action steps. These steps involve introspection, reparation, and forgiveness.

Forgiveness is about being sorry, which includes repenting. The word repent is one of those emotional words we avoid. It’s like a hammer on our souls. But if you review its definition in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, you’ll discover it’s a great word. It means to feel sorrow, regret, or contrition. Yes, the definition includes turning from sin, but part of that sentence is to dedicate oneself to the amendment of one’s life.

An extended meaning is to change one’s mind. With true remorse for when you’ve stepped away from behaviors supporting a healthy marriage, you’ll take positive action. You’ll change your mind about those behaviors and make every effort to do better, or, to return to the definition, amend your life. You don’t have to be perfect. Be better every day.

No one is going to point a finger at you because you’ll be convicting yourself while looking in a mirror that is an essential element of holding yourself accountable.