#President Short Pants (The Secret Diary of Ronald Rump Jr, Aged 13 and three-quarters)

By B.S. Washington

VOTE DEMPUBLICAN IN 2020 – Read President Short Pants and laugh* at both sides!

Like every teenage diary, Ronald Rump Jr’s is full of shameful secrets. It’s just that these ones belong to his dad – who happens to be President of the United States.

Ronald Jr is the kind of kid who knows there is only one C in “Apocalypse” and two Ds in “Armageddon.” So, the fact that his dad’s new business cards spell “President” without a T is making him a tad nervous.1600 Pennsylvania Avenue’s newest, youngest and, in his own eyes, smartest resident has two big ambitions – lexicographical triumph in the coming Big DC Spelling Bee and winning the hand of Ex-President Honolulu’s delightful daughter, Honey.

But, in a Washington DC world not entirely dissimilar to the America of 2019, where his social-media-obsessed classmates spend all their time on Me Tube, Glamstarr and Twutter, or watching right-on TV presenter, Calvin Snuggly, on PCC, or frothing shock-jock, Russ Tabernacle, on Wolf News – can an unusual boy like Rump Jr – more nineteenth-century than twenty-first – ever really fit in?

And, how will his dad – the perpetually irascible President Rump – get on, in his own daily Twutter battles against Machiavellian President of the Crussian Federation, Dmitri Lupin, black-mailing leader of the hacking group, Geekylicks, Modem Lozenge, and the limpet-like special legal counsel, Prickland Molar?

All this, while he tries to fulfil his promise to build “Mount Rumpmore” and get the Canadians to pay for it.

If you are a fan of The Onion, Saturday Night Live, The Late Show, or The Simpsons President Short Pants might be for you.

(*Legal Disclaimer: Laughter not guaranteed. Almost entirely dependent on possession of own sense of humor.)

Categories: Parody, Satire, Comedy, Humor, Humour (UK), Humorous

• Language: English
• Publisher: Kompromat Publications
• Release date: Feb 18, 2019
• ISBN: 9781912924677

Book preview

Roosevelt

FRIDAY JANUARY 20TH

Days to the Big DC Bee: 100

Word of the day: Conflagration

Essential sustenance: Mr Cheezy’s Naughty Nuggets

President Honolulu sent Dad a letter. He told him being president was going to be A big deal, maybe your biggest deal ever. Dad liked that. On Wolf News, he said that Larry Honolulu was a real class act. But that he – President Ronald Rump – was going to be even classier. And that History will show…Roosevelt…Lincoln…Kennedy…all those other awesome presidents will end up kissing my class!

Mom said she liked the first bit. But not the second.

Met Seargent Grabbit today. He will be looking after me. He seems nice. He brought me a mega bucket of Mr Cheezy’s Naughty Nuggets and told me he was from the other side of the tracks. At first I thought he meant Brooklyn, but it turns out I was wrong about that.

Only 100 days left to the Big DC Spelling Bee! Today’s word of the day is: conflagration. A conflagration has nothing to do with flags. It means a very large fire. Easy to spell, too. Singular. Or plural. In your head, you just go: Con-Flag. And then end up on: Rations.

In 2nd Grade, kids would say Liar, liar, pants on fire! to other kids. A boy called Beaumont Tinkly once told me his grandad was Obi-Wan Kenobi and that his mom kept the One Ring from Lord of the Rings inside the spare wheel of her Honda Prius. Looking back now, I can see Bo Tinkly’s pants weren’t just on fire. They had, in fact, become something much more dangerous than that: a major conflagration.

SATURDAY JANUARY 21ST

Days to the Big DC Bee: 99

Word of the day: Pandemonium

Essential sustenance: Waffles, blueberries and alfalfa sprouts

I never had breakfast in the White House before. Today I did.

We had Canadian-style waffles with maple syrup and blueberries. Me, Mom, Dad and Vacuana all sat at a big old table that used to belong to George Washington.

Vacuana was eating alfalfa sprouts off a white china plate. When I asked her why she said, Avocados are out, in that big-sister voice she uses to imply that she’s much more deep and mysterious than I am, just because she’s ten years older. It must be to do with this new Fabulously Fab-Abb-Ulous! Diet she saw on Glamstarr. It already had a million loves but, after Vacuana posted three SmileyCons next to it, the Fabulously Fab-Abb-Ulous! Diet got a million more.

Dad kept flicking through the cable news channels and saying the press had pissed on his parade. He didn’t mean actually. He meant metaphorically. At least, I hope he did. All the TV news shows were putting up drone-shots of Dad’s inaugural parade next to President Honolulu’s and making jokes about size not being important.

I think Dad’s gone off President Honolulu a bit now.

Dad doesn’t like the fact that the waffles in the White House are Canadian, either. Even when the chef explained it was just the name of the dish and they actually came from a factory in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, Dad just said, See, French, and that he was going to sign an executive order to get that all stopped.

When I got up from the table to go do some spelling practice Vacuana gave me one of her alfalfas.

It tasted of nothing.

SUNDAY JANUARY 22ND

Days to the Big DC Bee: 98

Word of the day: Paucity

Essential sustenance: Alfalfa (singular)

There’s a picture of George Washington by a painter called Gilbert Stuart which hangs in the East Room here. I passed it on the way to the dining room this morning. Dad says he’s thinking of taking it down because although he likes winners and Washington was a winner, big time, no doubt, he also likes winners who have their own teeth…no network show would put those teeth in front of an audience. Not even Morning Joe.

No waffles today. Or lunch either. Dad fired the chef after he put burritos on the new breakfast menu.

Vacuana gave me some more alfalfas but I still feel hungry.

I figure General Washington and his men would have had lot more trouble getting across the Delaware if they’d all been on a Fabulously Fab-Abb-Ulous! Diet that Martha Washington had spotted on Glamstarr.

MONDAY JANUARY 23RD

Days to the Big DC Bee: 97

Word of the day: Exponential

Essential sustenance: Hershey Cookies ‘n’ Cream

Brushed twice with SmileStrong Extra this morning, after looking up General Washington’s false teeth in my Encyclopedia Britannica. Some people say they were made of wood but actually it was cow and horse bone. No wonder he isn’t smiling in the picture! Later, ate two bars of Hershey Cookies ‘n’ Cream. Will brush again tonight.

Dad is back on Twutter.

People don’t like that.

Especially the ones who work for PCC, Politically Correct Cable. Calvin Snuggly and the other anchors on there all have a particular expression they use when they are talking about Dad’s twuts – eyebrows slightly raised, eyes glassy, jaw locked. They look like astronauts who just got dropped down onto a weird planet – one full of real dumb scary aliens who would never have been let into Yale, Alpha Kappa Alpha, or Princeton, Kappa Kappa Gamma, like they all were.

Dad loves Twutter, though. He told me he sees himself as the King of Twuts:

Twut 1:

New edition of own BEST-SELLER: Me, I’m Dealicious! OUT NOW! No 1 on AMAZON! (Bought 10,000 copies. Already planning BIGGEST EVER presidential library…BUT – will only need to stock ONE title!!!) #OnlyOne #Dealicious

Twut 2:

Unbelievable that Calvin Snuggly can’t