What Will Happen to Me: Every Night, Approximately Three Million Children Go To Bed With A Parent In Prison or Jail

By Howard Zehr

What is life like for a child who has a parent in prison? This book brings together photographic portraits of 30 children whose parents are incarcerated, along with their thoughts and reflections, in their own words. As Taylor says, "I want other kids to know that, even though your parents are locked up, they're not bad people. "And I want them to know that we'll get through it. As long as we have someone there to help us, we can get through it. It makes you stronger."

The material in "What Will Happen to Me?" has been gathered and written by two nationally-recognized experts. Howard Zehr is known around the world as the "grandfather of restorative justice." He lectures and consults internationally on that topic and related issues. He is currently a member of the Victims Advisory Group of the U.S. Sentencing Commission.

Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz travels the U.S. doing mediation work in severe crime cases. She provides consulting and training for agencies and communities seeking to implement programs of restorative justice. This book of portraits and text includes: Reflections of several grandparents who are unexpectedly parenting children whose parents are incarcerated. "Ten Questions Often Asked by Children." "Dealing with Emotions"—including grief and loss, shame and stigma, anger and isolation. Resources for "Staying in Touch," "Finding Moments of Celebration," "Adjusting to a Parent's Return," "Self-Care for Family Caregivers," and "Suggestions for Third-Party Caregivers." "The Children's Bill of Rights," along with thoughtful consideration about how to apply restorative justice and respect for relationships in these difficult situations.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Good Books
• Release date: Jan 27, 2015
• ISBN: 9781680990348

Howard Zehr

Howard Zehr is a distinguished professor of Restorative Justice at Eastern Mennonite University’s Center for Justice and Peacebuilding. He is the author of the bestselling The Little Book of Restorative Justice and Doing Life, among other titles.

Book preview

PART I

The Children

These children have committed no crime, but the price they are forced to pay is steep. They forfeit, too, much of what matters to them: their homes, their safety, their public status and private self-image, their primary source of comfort and affection. Their lives are profoundly affected . . .

– Nell Bernstein, All Alone in the World

NYVEAH WITH PRESTON

Can I give Daddy a hug? I wanna give Daddy a hug!

JACOB

JACOB: Mommy, remember when you was in jail? I was really, really sad. Sad that you didn’t come home. I love you.

LISA, JACOB’S MOTHER: I’m very lucky and fortunate. I mean, this kid loves me! He won’t let me out of his sight. He says, Mama, why did you go to jail? I say, I wasn’t being good, Jacob; that’s what happens.

W

e didn’t even know why she left. They just came and got her. My grandma came to school and got us. She didn’t explain nothing. My dad went into prison not too much after that. That’s my stepdad. And then my auntie went in. They all went in on the same charges.

It was hard for me because I had to change schools. I had to make new friends. It was very hard, and then my family was dying, and it was hard on me ’cause I couldn’t go to their funerals. They had no way to get us up there.

It was really hard. Everybody else, they got their moms and their dads. My mom wasn’t with me, to be there for my games and stuff, to watch me. She was there before when she was out; she was there for me all the time. Most of my friends, they didn’t understand it, they were like, What’s going on? It’s something I really don’t talk about.

Visiting was hard ’cause you know you’re leaving and your mom’s not leaving with you.

Now that my mom’s out we can do things. She can be there for me, she can take me places, get clothes, you know, do what moms do. Now I can go see my family, visit and go to family reunions, go to my family funerals when they die.

AMNESSIA

AMNESSIA

M

y father was locked up 15 years. I asked my mom and stepdad about it. The answers I got said it was something serious, but they weren’t going to tell me about it. I waited for them to say something, but they never did. To this day I fear that it could happen to me. If what happened to him happens to me, will I react the same way and put myself in the same position?

Growing up was kinda lonely. My father wrote me letters, but I just skimmed them. It was like he was a stranger—like, who is this guy, sending these letters? I knew he was my dad, but. . . . If I had known the truth, it probably would’ve made me more interested in reading the

Reviews for What Will Happen to Me

[notoriousspinks · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

As adults we often get caught up in our emotions. We fail to think about how our actions affect the children in our midst. What Will Happen to Me?, authors Howard Zehr and Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz give voices to the children who often go unheard. "Life would’ve been different if my parents hadn’t been in prison. I would have been graduating high school this year, going to senior prom, and doing all the other stuff kids do instead of growing up too fast."Those are the words of Brittany. Her mom went to jail when she was 3-years-old and her father went to jail when her mom got out. Brittany was 18-years-old when she told her story and admits that she didn’t think she would live to see 16.There are many stories just like Brittany’s in this book. I often found myself stopping to thank God on many occasions because I didn’t have it as bad as them or so I thought. I can relate to their stories. I didn’t have an incarcerated parent but I remember the childhood feelings of wanting my dad around and wondering why he wasn’t there. I took many of those feelings into early adulthood with me. Now that I think about it, there were very few of my friends who had fathers around. I just wanted him to be a dad to me like he was to my little sister. Present and accounted for. These days I know it was his lost not mine. I loved that the authors broke the book into three sections–Part I includes the faces of the children with their stories. There is nothing like hearing the truth from a child. We know that children will be honest in spite of our feelings.Part II has stories from the caregivers of the children with both parents absent. I find it so sad that no one steps in to help many of them. "I asked for the same thing for Christmas and for my birthday from my family: for two hours on top of Spruce Knob by myself. I didn’t get it. That’s all I ask for. If they would just take the boys so I can go out on the mountain for two hours by myself, that’s all I ask for. But I didn’t get it. ~~Martha Arey"This section also includes pointers and tips for dealing with children during this time. Just like adults, children are full of emotions and they should be treated as such. When I used to do home visits I always reminded my clients that they’re raising little people who have likes, dislikes and emotions.Part III covers the topic as it pertains to justice and how we as a community can work to restore justice. Incarceration alone is not enough. There are families who are affected by this in such ways that it has become a generational curse. "I was serving time with a woman who had only 10 years to do. Twenty years later, some kid comes up to me and says, “Aren’t you Ms. Mechie?…”Ms. Mechie is serving life in prison and her parents were incarcerated. According to research done by the authors, children with incarcerated parents are five times more likely to become prisoners themselves.This book really made me think about the examples we’re setting as a democratic nation when we have more people incarcerated than any other nation. However, we deem ourselves worthy to help other nations fight for democracy. If I were on the outside looking in…the U.S. has rates of infant mortality higher than a Third World country and more citizens imprisoned than any other nation, etc. …I’m not sure I’d want democracy in my country if this is the fate of a country with it. Seriously…I recommend this book for anyone who is serious about making a difference in the lives of others. You may not be a social worker or a teacher but as a member of our community we come into contact with people from various walks of life. We need to open our minds to understand the struggles of others better so that we can lend a hand to lift them up and/or encourage them. As a part-time substitute teacher in an impoverished neighborhood, I can only imagine how many of the children have parents incarcerated but they come to school in efforts to make the best out of a bad situation. "Like a web, we are all interconnected. The children in these pages are in some sense our children. What happens to them affects all of us."*This book was provided by the author for review.