Beams of Grief

By Ludmila M. Flores

Beams of Grief —Ludmila M. Flores
The pages of this book hold the powerfully intimate journey of a woman's grief over the death of her husband from stage IV cancer and the loss of fifteen years of her life caring for him. Readers should prepare for their spirits to be both moved and lifted up. Somehow, the author manages to tell of death and loss in a way that brings life and discovery of goodness. The style of writing, the author's unfettered honesty, and her ability to write from the heart will set the reader free to walk on sacred ground.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Dec 1, 2018
• ISBN: 9781543955255

Book preview

Beams of Grief

Ludmila M. Flores

ISBN (Print Edition): 978-1-54395-524-8

ISBN (eBook Edition): 978-1-54395-525-5

© 2018. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Table of Contents

Preface

Chapter 1 When the Sun Went Down in the Morning

Chapter 2 At the Funeral Home

Chapter 3 Keep Going

Chapter 4 Rosewood Box

Chapter 5 Last Good-Bye

Chapter 6 The Wife

Chapter 7 Knowing and Accepting

Chapter 8 Autopilot

Chapter 9 Mr. Alone

Chapter 10 Bare

Chapter 11 The Guild

Chapter 12 Politically Correct

Chapter 13 Life Sentence

Chapter 14 Give Me a Break!

Chapter 15 A Message

Chapter 16 Smashed Glass

Chapter 17 Strong Me

Chapter 18 Decisions

Chapter 19 Black Hole

Chapter 20 Breathe

Chapter 21 Just Go for It

Chapter 22 Fix

Chapter 23 Home

Chapter 24 Like Nothing Happened!

Chapter 25 Universe Emergency Unit

Chapter 26 The Routine

Chapter 27 Hey, You!

Chapter 28 The Night

Chapter 29 There You Go

Chapter 30 Falling Off a Cliff

Chapter 31 Deal with It

Chapter 32 I Am a Cookie

Chapter 33 Medicine

Chapter 34 Hiding

Chapter 35 I Want to Stop Falling

Chapter 36 The Sign

Chapter 37 Human

Chapter 38 MY Grief

Chapter 39 I Am Lucky

Chapter 40 Duct Type

Chapter 41 No One Asked Me

Chapter 42 The Ocean

Chapter 43 The Supermarket

Chapter 44 A Friend

Chapter 45 The Door Is Closed

Chapter 46 Where Are You, God?

Chapter 47 People!

Chapter 48 Clarity

Chapter 49 Perhaps

Chapter 50 Heart vs. Brain

Chapter 51 Life Is Not Done with Me

Chapter 52 Happy

Chapter 53 The First Day

Chapter 54 I Want You to Know

Appendix What do you see?

Preface

I lost my husband after his twelve-year battle with cancer. It was February 28, 2018, at 5:44 a.m. Even today, I can still feel his last heartbeat in the palm of my right hand. When his heart took that last beat, the world did not tremble, the clock on the wall did not stop, an angel did not come, a beam of light did not brighten the room, no music fled the air…just a beat…silence…while the ignorant clock on the wall kept ticking, and the bird outside kept chiming, and the world kept moving forward. The world did not stop because I fought to remain standing in caregiver’s shoes for fifteen years. The world did not end because my husband died.

During those fifteen years, my husband carried a heavy cross of both physical and mental illness. Twelve of those years he spent fighting stage IV cancer. I carried the cross with him while trying to keep our life as normal as possible, caring for all the normal life problems and the normal challenges of an emigrant family in the United States. We did it without extended family support; we—the Three Musketeers—went through this journey together: my husband, our cat, and I.

I do not know how I got to this point of my life. It was not an easy journey, and the cross grew heavier