The Heavens of Idolatry: Shedding the Gods of Perfectionism

By Lisa Stough

So you say youre not a perfectionist. Your idea of a perfectionist is someone who is well on their way to being perfect, and that does not describe you. Perfectionism is so cleverly disguised by its symptoms and ripple effects, but the problem is the same at the heartidolatry.

The Heavens of Idolatry challenges Christ followers to consider the possibility that other gods may have set up a throne in their heart. As believers we may find ourselves living to please these gods, with our identity and worth hanging in the balance of acceptance. Or, being the diligent Christians that we are, we may have elevated ourselves by setting impossible standards for someone else. It is the striving and confusion that ensue that causes big problems in a persons life.

Lisa Stough writes to fellow perfectionists as well as all Christians who are tired of hiding inside their Sunday clothes, who have given up on God all together, or who might be wondering what the big deal is about perfectionism. She brings Scripture, insight, and experience together into a journey you can call your own.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Aug 25, 2015
• ISBN: 9781512705836

Lisa Stough

Lisa is the author of Healing Letters: A Companion Guide to Writing Unsent Letters in the Healing Process. She leads Bible studies and has worked with troubled youth and families in community and church-based programs. She is a homeschool educator and lives with her husband and three children near St. Louis, Missouri.

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Copyright © 2015 Lisa Stough.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

All scripture quoted from NASB (Zondervan) unless otherwise noted.

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ISBN: 978-1-5127-0584-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0585-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-5127-0583-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2015912222

WestBow Press rev. date: 8/20/2015

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Your Journey Begins Here

Chapter 1: Portrait of Perfectionism

Getting the Picture

Chapter 2: Perfectionism in Christianity

How Church Doctrines Perpetuate the Notion of Attainable Perfection

Chapter 3: No Room for Two

How Serious is it Really?

Chapter 4: The Problem with Change

If Perfectionism is a Choice Then Why Did I Choose it and How Do I Walk Away?

Chapter 5: Pleasing God

Without __________ it is Impossible to Please God.

Chapter 6: Remind Me Who I Am

Defining the YOU You Were Made to Be

References

As a professional counselor, I often encounter people finding themselves imprisoned by the lies of perfectionism. The belief that perfection defines worth, value and purpose misleads them down a road of shattered hope and lies. Lisa has done an excellent job of speaking to the lies of perfectionism with Biblical truth leading the reader to a restored hope. When we can truly understand that God’s power is made perfect in our weakness, we can begin to rejoice in our imperfection.

Chez Barbosa, M.Ed.

Counselor, True Vine Counseling Services, LLC

In her engaging and personal style, Lisa shares her gradual release from the idols of perfectionism in light of the deep and beautiful truths she has learned from Scripture about her true identity and relationship with God. A provocative and practical book.

Dr. Richard Winter, author of Perfecting Ourselves to Death: The Pursuit of Excellence and the Perils of Perfectionism

The Heavens of Idolatry is a well-researched, thoughtfully crafted, beautifully honest book about the lies of perfectionism and the truth that leads to freedom. You’ll be challenged and changed by it. And you’ll like Lisa so much, you’ll wish you could take her for coffee.

Amanda Jenkins, author of Confessions of a Raging Perfectionist: Learning to be Free

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

The cover photo of the book you are holding depicts the five year old hands of my daughter, Sophia. Five year olds are messy. As adults we forget that life never stops being messy. The work of our own hands is messy. God Himself is messy, too. As my children have taught me, you can’t learn if you don’t get messy. We create. We explore. We dig in deep. And it’s messy. My sincere appreciation goes out to my children, Sophia, Ethan, and Josiah, who have created a better mom for themselves just by the dissonance they incite and the unconditional love that comes with it.

God has raised up spiritual warriors with whom I’ve marched side-by-side in the battles described in this book. I owe immeasurable gratitude to those who have tolerated all of my absurdities while excavating this diamond from the rough. I know I still need refining, so be patient; God’s not finished with me yet. I extend my gratitude to those who have helped me get anchored in the truth of who I am in Christ. I thank God for Darlene who first called me out on perfectionism. It never stopped nagging me until I dealt with it.

Karen has been my lifelong friend and encourager. We make a great team. I’m so glad she doesn’t hold my English degree against me. She loaned me her keen eye and helpful suggestions on this project, and wasn’t afraid to make corrections and suggestions to a book on perfectionism. How brave!

My dear friend, Ruth Ann Hafner, was my writing mentor as a young high school student, and many years later joined the small editing team for this project. After all these years, she still accepts me for who I am and am becoming as a person and as a writer. She was a part of this book anyway because of her influence in my development. I’m truly honored.

My husband sacrificed much personal time so I could write this book because he believes in this message as much as I do. It’s been a growing experience for both of us. We have learned how to balance book writing and time for each other in the craziness of family life. Ryan is my Pearl of Great Price, chosen in so many ways. He’s been my rock.

And to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior, it is not the work of my own hands that I worship; I worship You who inspires and breathes life into it, not for the praise of men but for the glory You receive from the work You do in us all when You call me to it. There’s no place I’d rather be.

INTRODUCTION

I’m an amateur at most things, but when it comes to perfectionism, I am not. Several years ago I asked my trusty therapist if she saw any issues in my life that needed work. She said, Not unless you want to work on perfectionism. I proved her assessment to be quite accurate by my response, No, I think I have that under control. With a reply like that, one wonders why a therapist would even let a client escape the office. I obviously had yet to see it for the beast that it was and could not be forced into seeing it outside of God’s timing.

Four years later, my husband’s job crisis spawned wellsprings of personal growth for both of us. I came out a better person for the trial and then prayed to God a heartfelt prayer inspired by Christian song artist Jason Gray, Lord, remind me who I am. Quite a risky prayer to pray in honesty and sincerity. Little did I know how God was about to answer! This prayer changed the course of my spiritual journey. With nary the chance to renege, God began lovingly answering my prayer by echoing my therapist’s invitation, Let’s take a look at perfectionism, Lisa. The veil was lifted, and a great adventure began. Realizing that my identity wasn’t as secure as I thought it was, I read several books, articles, weblogs and online resources about perfectionism in addition to my own soul searching and Bible study on the subject. It is from this ongoing learning experience that I write this book.

When seeking the Lord’s direction, I couldn’t figure out why the world needed another book about perfectionism. Of course, there was a lot more to our conversation, but the point He made clear to me was that believers in Christ, and even those who are not, need to understand how serious the problem of perfectionism truly is. It’s not just a woman’s problem or a man’s problem or specific to a profession or subculture or context. It’s not just a bad habit one should hope to kick someday. It truly is idolatry, and idolatry is a serious problem in a relationship with God; or, if not already in a relationship with Him, it will inhibit progress towards establishing that relationship. Perfectionism is far more pervasive than most would think. Because its roots are tied into our sinful nature, every human being is susceptible to it.

Fear of not being in control of our lives is the girth belt that saddles us with the burden of perfectionism. To make matters worse, this world is a scary place, and as a general rule, it is not going to get better; it promises to get worse. The evening news bombards us with unconscionable images that evoke fear on top of fear. The person next to us no longer is just carrying a backpack; now it is an explosive device capable of destroying lives. The airplane flying too low overhead is no longer just an airplane; it’s a potential missile reminiscent of an attack that killed thousands and left countless others psychologically and physically wounded in its wake. An emotionally disturbed student doesn’t just need a visit with the school counselor; he is now put on watch as a potential mass murderer. Another boy never makes it home from the bus stop that’s in front of his house. Security is ramped up at midnight superhero movies for fear of a viewer’s psychotic rampage. And public facilities and churches are now equipped and trained for mass triages in case of sudden natural disaster. It is culturally numbing and leaves parents scrambling for alternative education choices, and thousands more walking in a post-traumatic stupor.

Some of these newsworthy tragedies are our own. For others, our stories and fears never make it into the news, but they are no less real and overwhelming. Parents hover to ensure their child’s excellent grades, eaves drop with no respect of boundaries, intervene in relationships where they aren’t needed, and let their aggressions propel them from the sidelines to the playing field. Drivers rage when traffic doesn’t suit their preference. In our panic response to the world around us, our impulsive decisions complicate our fears and impact how we approach a stranger or how we act in our close relationships.

Abundant research in the field of mental health has determined Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the U.S.¹ Online professionals explain the diagnosis by saying, Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by persistent, excessive, and unrealistic worry about everyday things.² Worry is fear, and fear is prime fuel for perfectionism. Perfectionism is characterized by a person’s attempt to feel in control and a constant pressure to measure up to a perceived standard for fear of what might happen if one loses control or does not measure up. That’s a heavy load of anxiety to bear.

Obviously, fear is on the rise. More and more, people see their need for a god, a savior of some sort, a higher power connection. We want a fix for our fear, that hero of our childhood fantasies to save the day and right all the wrongs so the world can live as one. We get what 2 Timothy 4:3-4 calls itchy ears in religion, and become satisfied with the things that sound good, that relieve the itch or fear. However, instead of God, we’ve gotten Gnosticism, which the disciples and apostles of the bible strongly warned against as it permeated the early church. Gnosticism has regained popularity as a sort of socially acceptable spirituality. It expels the sometimes uncomfortable work of the Holy Spirit from spiritual activity in a person’s heart. Until people start putting the one true God, YHWH, into the equation, they’ll try inserting many false gods in hopes of eliminating their own fear and insecurities. Perfectionism is quickly becoming anxiety’s new drug or spirituality. It doesn’t fix anything, it just makes people think they’re taking care of the problem when really they’re adding to it with its slew of negative side effects.

So why does the world need yet another book about perfectionism? To put a megaphone to the message. To chip away at the communication barriers and build lasting friendship between God and mankind. To never stop proclaiming that there is a counterfeit of perfection in sheep’s clothing and the real thing is so much better! Perfectionistic thinking is a virtually universal problem to some degree. There are plenty of books written about the very practical aspects of perfectionism – what it looks like in people’s lives, what contributes to it in the worldly sense, and behavior modifications that one can practice so it’s not so noticeable or problematic. Those books have their place in discussing what’s above the surface that can be dealt with. However, in The Heavens of Idolatry you will find the opposite, an overview of what is above the surface and an in-depth discussion of what’s beneath at the root of the problem spiritually.

I am approaching the subject from the viewpoint that perfectionism is the pursuit of one’s own perfection and righteousness — perhaps having the same expectations of others — apart from Jesus Christ or even in relationship with Him. In any case, it is often due to a skewed understanding of God’s love, personality and omnipotence. Furthermore, perfectionism is the point at which a focus on performance consumes the person it plagues. I’ll discuss more about performance in the rest of the book.

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