The Smart Aleck Chronicles Iii

By Mike Robertson

The original Smart Aleck Chronicles was published to little, if any notice in 2007. This was followed five years later with the release of a second volume. As noted in the prefaces to both these collections, their intended purpose was to present to readers a series of literary entertainments on a range of issues, activities, personalities and phenomena. In this, the third volume, these observations and commentaries continue, combined once again with short works of fiction. The author hopes, as he did with respect to the two previous volumes, that this edition is faithful to the lofty standards and possible amusements of those books.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 17, 2014
• ISBN: 9781491849934

Mike Robertson

Mike Robertson, resigned for several years to the routine of retirement, continues to pursue the notion that he may have a literary aptitude, a belief that has sustained his endeavours for over a decade and the publication of various projects. His most recent effort, a novel entitled Picture Windows, is his tenth book, joining three collections of short stories, Casting Shadows, Parts of a Past, and These Memories Clear, three volumes of literary entertainments entitled The Smart Aleck Chronicles and three novels, The Hidden History of Jack Quinn, The First Communion Murders, and Gone and Back. Mike Robertson lives in profound anonymity in Ottawa, Ontario.

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2014 Mike Robertson. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Cover photograph based on work by Jim Holubowich

Published by AuthorHouse 01/15/2014

ISBN: 978-1-4918-4994-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4918-4993-4 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014900517

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

CONTENTS

More Lists Of Thoughtless Things

As noted in previous volumes of this collection, one of basic contributions to our culture has been, and remains, the creation of absurd lists. Originally conceived as a means of entertainment, many of them now serve to either mystify, confuse or annoy. The lists presented herein range from possible observations in a fantasy stand-up act to collections of unpublished papal encyclicals, IKEA products, martial advice and signs that there is something wrong with your cows.

Short Stories

Having published three books of short stories, as well as an assembly of stories in a previous volume, the author offers further evidence of his interest in this particular literary genre. From the abbreviated contemplations of A Baby Boomer Apology and A July Afternoon in Late Middle Age to the narratives of Bingo Gracie, Bingo Lil and Words in the Window, this diverse grouping of a dozen stories as indicated below suggests neither specific theme nor form.

A Baby Boomer Apology

A July Afternoon In Late Middle Age

Alone Or With Others

Bingo Gracie, Bingo Lil

Scenes From Last Direction Home

Last Entry: A Thousand Innings Past

Random Musings Regarding Tuesday Morning Meetings

Tomorrow Is Another Face

Words In The Window

Working Life Characters: Assorted Portraits

You’ll Be On Media Lines

More Lists Of Thoughtless Things

Random Observations

The Stand-Up Fantasy1

I read in a magazine the other day that one of my old high school classmates is rated as one of the 20 most powerful people in the country. So I realized how comparatively pathetic I turned out. Two years ago, I was rated somewhere in the top six or seven million. Since I retired last year, I have fallen below the ten million mark. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it.

I retired last year. At first, I really didn’t know what to do with myself. I asked my wife to start giving me an everyday list of things to do. I haven’t been able to get past Get up.

I am losing my hearing. The other day, the dog had to write me a note to get me to turn down the stereo.

I definitely have a weight problem. The other day, a button came off my shirt and I picked it up and ate it.

Okay, I admit it. The dog walks me. I don’t really care but I wonder who is walking her.

I sometimes recognize people that I have never seen before but sometimes I cannot remember the names of my kids.

Do elderly people need licenses for their walkers or wheel chairs? If not, why not?

I sometimes have anxiety attacks in public washrooms and then have trouble getting out of the stall. It’s especially bad when the people waiting start yelling unkind things about my digestive system.

I now have a helluva time putting on my socks, particularly if my shoes are already on.

I have found out that neither Metamucil nor prune juice are good mixes in any cocktail.

My neighborhood is now full of sushi joints and high end coffee shops. Now they have just put in something called Botox Express.

I’m retired now. I so guilty about not going to work anymore that I have actually considered installing a time clock on the television.

I have become so lazy these days that I wash my clothes while I’m still wearing them.

Don’t give me that stuff about how great your golden years are. All I do these days is trying to explain to myself why I’m not doing anything anymore.

There’s no good shows on television these days, particularly if you’re already seen them four or five times.

Most of our political leaders these days seem pretty young to me. That’s understandable I guess but I still find it weird. It’s like finding out that the kids of every one of the nerds on the prom decorating committee in high school is now your boss.

Why bother thinking about the future? You don’t know anything about it and you won’t know anything about it until it’s too late to do anything about it anyway.

The province of Quebec and the rest of Canada have a strange relationship. They are like a married couple that don’t really like each other but stay together because one of them still thinks they are in love and the other likes their furniture.

There are dozens of young parents jogging the neighborhood in flashy exercise togs and pushing baby strollers that probably cost more than my first new car did. What’s the point of all this effort anyway? Do they actually want to live to be a 120 years old. The only exercise my father ever got was mowing the lawn, a responsibility he passed on to us kids once he was certain that we wouldn’t cut our toes off operating the lawn mower. By the way, the mower itself was big and frightening enough to have been used as some sort of military vehicle in World War II. As for my mother, aside from chasing us kids, which was likely a full time job, she put in a lot of cardiovascular effort trying to get into her Bermuda shorts.

What’s with those stupid warning buzzers that go off every time you select a package of razor blades from a shelve at the pharmacy? Somebody told me that pharmacies did that because razor blades are historically the most frequently shoplifted items in such stores. Since no one sells razor blades anymore, the question is why? Do the people that are likely to shoplift have particularly heavy beards?

You know you are getting overly nostalgic for the good old days when you start showing up at class reunions at schools you never attended.

Now that I’m in your sixties, sex is like a fantasy that I am trying hard to remember.

The last time I had a half decent erection, I am pretty sure I also had real teeth.

My dog has no confidence in me. When I talk her out for a walk, she tries to hail a cab.

I don’t have a smart phone or even a cell phone. I’m not on face book. Sometimes, I think I may be living in a cabin in the woods in the nineteenth century.

I watch a lot of sports on television although I have drawn the line at contact curling.

How about all those crazy shows on television? Competitive taxidermy? Competitive obesity? How about championship dentistry?

I’ve had heart surgery. People always ask me why.

Gun control in the U.S. is so controversial these days that some victims are now saying that they have a constitutional right to be shot.

Stephen Harper is so dull that he refuses to talk to himself.

My kid left me a voice message the other day, telling me that he doesn’t intend to talk to me.

My father is so old that he thinks that Fred MacMurray is still a big star.

Remember William Frawley in the old I Love Lucy, you know the guy who played Fred Mertz. No one else does.

The most important utensil in the dining room of most nursing homes should be a lobster bib.

How come funeral homes don’t hold discount sales? 40% off coffins, two for one headstones, group rates for funeral services?

I used to smoke and drink a lot. Now I pee a lot and worry about my bowels exploding.

The last time I left my doctor’s office, the nurse handed a pamphlet about irritable bowel syndrome and suggested that I start going to the meetings of Bowels Anonymous.

My knees are shot. I don’t know who shot them but they still hurt like hell.

What’s with all these sports shows on television these days? I mean, I think World War II got less coverage than most hockey games played on a Tuesday night in March. What about those commentators? Most of the time, they discuss sports trivia like they’re talking about quantum physics. And what the hell is a upper body injury: a shaving mishap? A headache? A fractured skull?

I was thinking about the possibility of starting an amusement park for the elderly. I don’t know what kind of rides, if you want to call them that, you would feature: bumping wheelchairs, stomach disruption competitions, physiotherapy Ferris wheels, mumbling in an old telephone booth, the pretending to work exposition, the look younger fun house mirror, the complaint museum? I’m open to suggestions.

They’re nothing like guilt free sex when you’re not having sex.

After a certain age, what could you possibly complain about? At least you’re not dead.

I’d audition as a nightclub comedian if I could stand in front of a crowd without needing the emergency services of a dry cleaner.

My father has his funeral all arranged, even down to which of his old friends will faint at the service and break their hips.

Why do old ladies have hair styles that look like they were forced on them at gunpoint?

You ever notice that anyone born before World War II has the same handwriting. I don’t get it. Was it the Depression? Was surgery involved? Brainwashing? Threats of prison? Did they all have the same spinsterish elementary school teacher?

I was looking through a family photograph album the other day and didn’t recognize a soul. On the other hand, I am not sure that it was my family.

Weird stuff. I read the other day, in a book on the history of trousers, that all those crazy dictators - you know, like Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Mao, Pol Pot and Kim Jong II - all refused to wear sweat pants unless they were first worn by a woman.

Don’t get on a city bus unless you’re in a city.

If you’re biopopular, can you lie to yourself about your condition?

It’s too bad that all this current concern about bullying is not retroactive? In the late 50s, bullying wasn’t reprehensible, it was required. And we are only talking about the school teachers.

If you’re returning an article of clothing to a department store, make sure that you’re not wearing the article you’re returning.

How good do you think God would be at board games? Would moving counters around by telekinesis be considered cheating?

I understand that hockey players have been known to eat pucks with BBQ sauce to toughen up.

I’ve known fire hydrants that have better stage presence than I do.

I am not much of an athlete. I once tried to build up my leg for soccer by practice kicking a bowling ball. My first time playing baseball, I went to the plate facing the catcher.

The thing about growing older is that you don’t seem to mind wetting your pants as much as you used to.

Is there such a thing as canine comedy? And if there is, would cats laugh too?

Have you ever remembered the color of your dreams?

Are identical twins security threats? I mean, do they need separate passports even though the picture is the same in both of them?

At my age, any thoughts that I may develop about beautiful women that I may come across are strictly retroactive in nature. In other words, I wonder what I would have thought if I were maybe 30 years younger.

I still hear a lot about people finding themselves. First of all, how do these people know they are lost in the first place? Don’t they have IDs? Second, is anyone else helping them look? As far as I’m concerned, as long as other people know who I am, I don’t need to look.

A List Of Lists

The following is a list of possible lists that, as far as is known at the present time, have not previously appeared in any publication.

1. Unforgettable Flatulence: A Historical Perspective

2. Examples of Canine Humor

3. Best Poems About New Jersey

4. Humorous Anecdotes About the Spanish Inquisition

5. Stephen Harper Knee Slapping Halloween Pranks

6. Popular Muslim Nicknames

7. Sexual Uses of Industrial Cleansers

8. Best Brassieres of All Time

9. Iceland: Its Most Popular Situation Comedies

10. The Humor of the National Rifle Association

A List Of Proposed Rural Television Shows

1. Desperate Heifers

2. Dr. Amos: Livestock Psychiatrist

3. The Pea Pickers News Hour

4. Modern Outhouses

5. Staring Vacantly into the Empty Distance

6. Hoarding Grain

7. Rory Pets His Cattle

8. Little Bitches Rodeo in High-Definition

9. Cleaning Up Cow Plops With a Guy Named Titus

10. Bunkhouse Dating

11. Animal Make-Overs

12. What Not to Smell

13. Square Dancing With Triangles

14. Forage Wars

15. Polka With Pigs

An Ottawa Nurse And Some Of Her Favorites Things

The following presents a selection of lists of the favorite things of an unidentified nurse from Ottawa, Ontario. Although the nurse herself was herself was not consulted in compiling these lists, a number of total strangers were.

All Time Favorite Television Shows

1. Max Kemping Presents What Not To Wear in Vanier.

2. The Beaver Tail Kids

3. Bye Bye Hog’s Back

4. Tiny Stupid Members of Parliament

5. Stealing Cows in Vankleek Hill

6. How High Is Your Hat: Changing of the Guard

7. The Big Poutine Theory

8. My Three Chretiens

9. Guess the Cognitive Function: The Neurology Show

10. All In An Arnprior Morning

All Time Favorite Songs by Unknown Local Bands

1. Baby, Your Bum’s Not Too Big for Walmart

2. The Westboro Boogie

3. I Thought She Got A Hickey In the Byward Market

4. It Always Snows When I’m Skating

5. A Canal Full of Beer

6. Don’t Touch Mon Frites

7. I’ve Lost My Pants (I’m Yours)

8. This Bonhomme Can’t Dance

9. Darling, Don’t Get Moody ( I’m Out of Prophylactics Blues)

10. Your Zipper’s Stuck in My Heart

Her Fashion Faux Pas

1. Once bought a pair of shoes by Jimmy Choo Choo At Value