The Agonizing Road to Self

By Yusuf Blanton

Follow the story of Devin Smitha product of modern-day suburbia whose wholesome upbringing spirals into an American nightmareas he relentlessly seeks inner peace in a world where all that glitters truly is not gold.

The book marks author Yusuf Blantons debut to the literary world, as he bravely dances the line between brutally honest memoir and riveting modern fiction.

Dealing interchangeably with drug addiction, raucous sex, urban music, and the objective pursuit of spirituality, The Agonizing Road to Self seeks to turn heads, engage minds, and touch hearts.

If every person on Earth wrote something this personal, forthright, and honest, we might all be able to understand one another and appreciate each others faults, downfalls, despairs, and joys. Through it all, Yusuf never fails to inspire.

Mason Hall, editor

If you were touched by Cupcake Browns phenomenal autobiography, A Piece of Cake, then the floodgates of compassion and hope are bound to burst open after reading Yusuf Blantons dose-of-reality debut novel.

Gigi James, television writer and

award-winning author of I Didnt Sign Up For This!

The intensity of this book is sure to strike some chord in anyone who reads it. The Agonizing Road to Self is a powerful testament to the struggles of humanity.

James Lord, Zojak Worldwide

• Language: English
• Publisher: Abbott Press
• Release date: Feb 20, 2014
• ISBN: 9781458214362

Book preview

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Chapter One

The Early Days

I t’s a boy! the doctor exclaimed, slamming his latex gloves on the table like a business deal was settled.

The mother, Felicia, felt her life come full circle. A second-generation Puerto Rican immigrant and product of an alcoholic family, she had been through thirty years of ups and downs to get to this point. With tears in her eyes and a jubilant smile, she proclaimed, we’ll call him Devin.

Her newlywed husband, George, stood by her hospital bedspread, patting her back in support. This was his second child, second marriage, and added stress to his struggling life as an outdoor insurance salesman. Raised in a Caucasian, upper middle-class family, he now felt pressure he was unaccustomed to, but nonetheless felt confident in handling. Body wavering for nicotine, he paced around the room; verbally assuring his wife of a secure future, while trying to manage his own insecurities. After a night of deep thought, light conversation, and uncomfortable mattresses, they took their newborn and drove to their undersized, overpriced New England apartment. Formerly as an upstart couple on shaky ground, now as a three-piece family.

The first years of Devin’s life seemed almost as generic and stereotypical as his neighborhood; to him at least. Felicia and George were on thin ice financially - maxing out credit cards and filing bankruptcy just to make ends meet. A virgin to reality and naive to the ways of the world, all Devin saw were the fruits of his parents’ struggles; food on the table every day, new toys to play with, and reliably fulfilled Christmas lists.

Working for a company headquartered in Ireland, George was constantly on business trips; tirelessly giving his all into the American dream of climbing up the socio-economical totem pole. While that paid off, it left an inexperienced Felicia alone with Devin most of the time, trying her best at the challenging and ultimately powerless endeavor called parenthood.

As time passed like weary pedestrians, things slowly became more stable. The family was able to move into a starter home in Lexington, New Hampshire where Devin would proceed to grow up. Both George and Felicia gave their best effort at offering Devin a well-rounded experience, signing him up for every after-school activity available. From sports to Sunday school, he was present, though rarely interested. By age six, he’d decided sports games were best spent socializing on the bench; and by age eight, he’d decided Catholic nuns were full of shit. While his peers gleefully enjoyed confirmation, he rebelliously stayed home; dejectedly trying to understand how God could be ‘one’ and ‘three’ simultaneously.

By age eleven, he entered fourth grade, which in his district, meant the beginning of middle school. There his quick wit and knack for observance would prove to be both a blessing and curse. Though his teachers enjoyed grading his assignments, his peers found an easy target in a kid that was both smart enough to know the answers, while quiet enough to be rendered defenseless. His age difference, caused by an extra year of elementary school, didn’t help either. Nicknames like Devin the Dumbass sprouted, giving birth to a long-term relationship with self-doubt. With no real friends or clear purpose for life, he began receding inside himself; establishing unnatural passions for reading, writing, and solitude. Although his parents tried to keep him busy, he was now at a peculiar age - too young to act on his ideas, while just old enough to refuse everyone else’s. Over time, they began to detect a change; but had a plethora of excuses at their side; hormones, adolescence, and the comfortable idea their son was just going through a phase.

In fifth grade, Devin was introduced to people just like him. Outcast enough to avoid popularity, while functional enough to stay out of counseling, Jacob Michaels was chubby, freckled, and spineless enough to do whatever his friends considered fun. Dion Grimes was the outspoken class clown, seemingly loved by everyone but himself. Having been raised as the only African-American in a predominantly white suburb, he would associate freely while never feeling as though he belonged. The three shared a variety of classes together, allowing time to become the best of friends. They relished their awkward stature - being ignored by most, while now having enough power in numbers to taunt those even lower on the social scope. They composed melodiously brash jingles taunting the fattest girl in their grade, and told anyone that came within five feet of the most awkward boy that they were now infected with Adam Disease.

While that year was spent talking, playing virtual games, and finding entertainment in throwing rocks - turning thirteen and entering sixth grade brought on an unusual sense of maturity. Puberty was now on its way, hormones actually were a biological factor, and different vices of the World were introduced. The first of which was music. Though he had always enjoyed casually listening to the radio, it was during the sixth grade Devin was turned on to the sounds of rock ’n roll. The ring of distorted guitars, the tortured sneering of people they called singers, and the glorified allure of the fast-lane lifestyle were more than entertaining. They were desirable. No longer seeking toys, Devin rushed to his parents requesting CDs, biography-style books, and instrument lessons. Excited in his passion to learn, (while considering it yet another phase,) they gave in to it all, thus allowing submergence into perverted literature, justified attitudes, and unrealistic dreams of fame.

Having yet had the opportunity to find themselves, his friends became subject to his fantasies. Hangout sessions became band practice, recording sessions, and one-sided lectures on punk-rock philosophy. Teachers sent home notes advising he slow down or do assignments on more age-appropriate literature. But with a waning interest in authority and school itself, those letters rarely found their way home. His group of friends broadened to forgettable high school kids - none of whom offered much more than false affirmation to the idea he was growing up.

It was also then, Devin’s interest in the opposite sex was ignited; and he began to seek an adolescent Courtney Love to his self-image as a young Kurt Cobain. Countless school hours were invested into exchanging notes with a rotating cast of females, and weekends were spent avoiding his true friends. One relationship with a cosmetically-obsessed young girl named Alicia even seemed promising, until summertime rolled in. With an institution no longer bringing them together, and the ills of knowing nothing about anything setting in, their connection quickly fizzled.

It was this same summer Devin was shipped down south for ‘family time’ with his cousin. Two years his senior, Mark Smith was the biggest co-signer of bullshit a young rebel could ask for. Whereas Devin prided himself on playing the electric guitar, Mark played the drums - allowing for noisy jam sessions that went deep into the night. Devin was freshly experienced kissing girls, while Mark was already sexually active, and willing to share details. He also had developed a premature fascination with marijuana, which, coupled with a rich father and shady set of friends, meant there’d be plenty to share all season long.

Devin’s first experience high seemed inconsequential at best. It came from Mark’s friend Billy, a raccoon-eyed white kid that unmistakably came from a dysfunctional family. Pills and bowls of weed were passed around like party favors while Devin accepted, swallowed, and held smoke happily. Unlike the rock biographies he had studied - the high wasn’t followed by wild antics, orgasmic music, or stumbled-upon record contracts. What followed was merely a cast of young teenagers he didn’t know, laying on a couch playing video games while his cousin checked to see how "good’ he was feeling. Experiences like this would define his next couple of summers, though between drugs being inaccessible and life being stress-free anyway; he was able to drop the antics as soon as he got on the plane home. If anything, it served as an escape from the monotony and general immaturity of Lexington. A taste of unpredictability, and an appetizer for what life could one day become.

A September baby, Devin’s fifteenth birthday brought on his last year of middle school. With a backpack full of beat poetry, and cast of acquaintances that thought he was a genius - his life was anything but typical. He had organized his own system for getting by - study block was a time to copy homework assignments off nerds, free time meant reading Henry Miller, and recess meant pursuing romance. Teachers warned him to change his habits when his grades began to slip, but he waved them off as he believed he had found a more fulfilling way to cope with the humdrum environment of public schooling.

Despite his growing apathy towards it, it was also that year Devin found his family life in a period of change. After almost declaring themselves infertile, George and Felicia were blessed with another child - giving Devin newfound responsibilities as a brother, less attention, and more supposed grounding to his self-based schedule. At six pounds and two ounces, with blonde hair and piercing brown eyes - his sister Jennifer’s early influence on his life became twofold. On one hand, there was more to do when he was home. On the other, it put less immediate spotlight on him when he wasn’t. Life continued predictably until summertime arrived, and another trip down south was in order.

As Devin celebrated his oncoming sixteenth birthday and wrapped up yet another routine with Mark - the time had come to enter high school. He arrived half an hour early his first day to meet Jacob and Dion, both of whom were nervously waiting outside. Internally he questioned what the next four years would bring, and if all the Hollywood hype and stereotypical stories surrounding it had any validity at all. Already a smoker, Dion exhaled from his cigarette. You ready for this man? he asked Devin.

It’s just school. What could seriously be different?

Within a few hours, the answer became blatantly obvious. Girls were developed, with D-cup breasts popping out of undersized shirts. Students that had once been reprimanded for missing homework assignments were now sleeping in class. And, teachers seemed to generally give less of a fuck. By the time of dismissal, Devin found himself with his original duo of friends, in an underachieved upperclassman’s car. You guys smoke weed? he casually asked, downing an energy drink like water and driving carelessly.

Yeah, they replied - timid, excited, and surprised that their ride home had become an adventure of sorts. Devin in particular couldn’t believe that his formerly out-of-state commodity was so accessible.

Cool, said the upperclassman. We’re gunna pick up some people first. Between the town having a small radius and the driver having no impulse control, the car was full in minutes. Everyone introduced themselves.

Hey, I’m Stacy. said a pale brunette with a pretty face, artsy blouse, and disproportionately large thighs wrapped in black leggings.

I’m Dave, said a chubby, tall, clean-shaven kid with a brown mop cut.

Yeah, and you all know I’m Greg, said the driver wearing a blonde crew cut, glasses, a leather jacket, and an awkwardly grown mustache. Alright, let’s do this, he said - pulling out two grams of green weed and a brown Philly cigar from his center console. He parked on the side of an inactive road where Dave proceeded to roll a blunt carelessly.

So…there’s no cops that come around here? asked Devin.

Shut the f… sorry man, excuse my friend here, said Dion, interrupting quickly. He’s just a little nervous.

Don’t be nervous, uttered Stacy, patting Devin’s shoulder with a half-mocking smirk on her face. We do this all the time; you have nothing to worry about.

The blunt was passed in an even rotation, reminding Devin of his previous ventures, while making him contemplate the future. He remembered reggae lyrics, and as the smoke slowed him down, he chalked it up to being in a meditative state. Ending with snack food, laughing conversation, and an awkwardly large smile going home - he felt he’d found a sense of peace that wasn’t only easily attainable, but deeply profound.

While some afternoons were dissolved in smoke, others became dedicated to recruiting people for his new music project.

A reggae band.

As always, Dion and Jacob were on board; but they now had a large pool of previously unknown prospects to draw from. The first was Frank Simmons - a dreadlocked, vanilla-skinned sophomore who Devin ignorantly assumed must love reggae music. It turned out he was just trying to piss off his parents and didn’t understand what an offbeat was. Regardless, giving up was a foreign concept when it came to things Devin thought mattered. Next was Melissa Blaze with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a petite figure most were attracted to - Devin assumed getting her on board would be a twofold success. For one, she had actually earned regional awards for her musical achievements. And two, she was beautiful.

The group came together nearly as quickly as it fell apart. Explaining to uncultured white kids the subtleties of Jamaican music, let alone what the lyrics were talking about, was no simple task. They did a variety of local shows and released an album before eventually disbanding. Frank felt people weren’t sympathetic to his learning process, Dion and Jacob preferred getting high, and Devin realized nothing would happen between him and Melissa after hearing her twentieth story about different men she was pursuing.

The next year, both academically and personally, Devin decided to take a step back from other people and focus on himself. Previous late-night ventures with friends had spiraled into lost parental trust, his grades becoming average at best, and a wavering sense of passion. It was at this time, now a sophomore in high school; he was asked to take a Comparative Religions class for a social studies credit. Having abandoned Catholicism young, and seeing increasingly less logic in entertainment-based cultures, this would prove to at least be interesting to his seeking mind. The class was comprised of several units; each one breaking down a major World religion theologically, historically, and practically. Despite newfound focus and an open mind - each presentation proved illogical, void of holistic meaning, or historically hypocritical - up until Islam. Although he lived in a society and particular community that had preconceived notions regarding the religion, all that he learned made perfect sense.

Wearing a tacky gray sweater-vest and brown corduroy pants, the teacher would utter, Islam teaches God is simply one, and doesn’t get tangled in any trinities or idol worship. All the Prophets - from Adam to Moses, Jesus and Muhammad - were ordinary people chosen to deliver a message of monotheism and supreme law. And they believe practice should be coupled with faith, either aspect by itself ultimately proving insufficient. Hearing this, Devin began to perform independent research, finding answers to questions of purpose that had plagued him all his short life.

While this went on personally, turmoil at home continued. The country had gone into massive economic recession, and George was being forced to resign his job of nearly fifteen years. Felicia was now a stay-at-home mom, raising an infant and trying to spend time with Devin when he was there. It seemed as if there was little hope for moving forward, until George’s brother called him from Sterling Heights, North Carolina. Having received wind of the situation, he offered him a job co-managing an established construction company. George happily accepted, and wasted no time telling his family about the move that would ensue. Felicia, understanding what was at stake, was relieved. Devin, understanding he would have to leave his friends behind, was dismayed. The mildly antisocial behavior he had established for himself that year turned into a full-blown depression as he contemplated the future. He’d been in New England all his life, and barely fit in there. How would he fare in a new area of the country, not knowing anyone and having no real social skills to change that? How could he continue pursuing America’s least-understood religion in a state that barely accepts its own kind? Although these questions seemed trivial to his parents and peers, it was all that mattered to him. Sleep became elusive, as did appetite and interest for things that once excited him. As the remaining feelings of discomfort passed, so did time. They now had to make the move.

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Chapter Two

A rriving just in time for the academic year, Devin’s first day in North Carolina schools was anything but familiar. Whereas Lexington was a small, predictable, mostly-white suburb, Sterling Heights was a melting pot where everyone seemed to fashion themselves after rappers and celebrity whores. Having always been different himself, he thought this would be an advantage, but it proved to be anything but. He tried fitting in with the nerds, figuring they were smart. But it turned out they just played video games all day and didn’t know how to shower. He tried fitting in with the popular kids, but they made fun of his plain accent and talked about TV shows he found droning. He tried the musicians, but it seemed