Shhhhhhh

By Beth Anna MoonRay Ferguson

I'm no longer a victim.

Nor am I a survivor.

I am a thriver.

A family of four--two kids and two adults--a mother, father, and two sisters. "Smile," says the photographer as he takes the group portrait of this lovely family. Mom hates having her picture taken, but she smiled anyway, anything for her kids. Dad smiles all the time. Just aim the camera, and you've got 'em. Daddy's little girl, if it's good for Dad, she's in. Lisa the oldest daughter who's the performing artist shouldn't mind, but she's self-conscious; is her hair okay? "No." What dress to wear? "I need a new frock," and blah, blah, blah. Yes, this is a beautiful, Black, Christian family, who loves one another through financial woes, prostate cancer, measles, chicken pox, and scarlet fever!

Through all of it, the smiles are real, the love is genuine, and yet someone has a secret--only they don't remember that they do!

Can a two-year-old keep a secret from her parents?

Should a two-year-old be asked to keep a secret?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: May 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9798887518947

Book preview

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Shhhhhhh

Beth Anna MoonRay Ferguson

ISBN 979-8-88751-893-0 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-88751-895-4 (hardcover)

ISBN 979-8-88751-894-7 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Beth Anna MoonRay Ferguson

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Back cover photo by courtesy of Louis Meyers

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Review of Shhhhhhh

Foreword

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

A Letter to Parents

Who Do I Think I Am?

A Letter to the Wounded

About the Author

This book is dedicated to the following people:

Louis (1921–1994) and Essie (1924–2003) Ferguson, my parents, who raised their children to love God enough to find our strength in Him and not just in man who will disappoint… But God never will!

Cynthia Maria Ferguson-Barbar (1964–2014), my one and only sibling, who inspired me to step out of the shadows and live my dreams!

Ernestine Johnson (Aunt Ernie) (1925–2017), who guided me through my life like a second mom even from before I was born until she went home to be with God.

Kathy Herrera-Graham (1951–2019), who made my life richer simply because she was in it until she went to be with God and her memory lives on!

Rhonda Reid, LaTrella Penny, Judy Daniels-George, Priscilla Wilson, Sonny Ferguson, Colette Bazir, DeCory Robinson, Chief Winter Flower Gibson, Julie Fitzsimmons, and Bernadine Jennings, my mentor from college until now. These are the people who lovingly supported me with their hands on my back, pushing me forward until I reached the finish line and then they grabbed my hands and pulled me to the next project!

Ramona Fernandez, who inspired me to forgive the unforgivable, which inspired this book.

My heart, Leonard Louis WolfSong Ferguson, my son who walked next to me, holding my hand and blessing my life because he chose to be my son!

And my Transitional Services for New York, work family, who listened, inspired, cried, and laughed with me, both staff and clients.

Without them, I would be a different person.

There are more and too many to mention who reminded me that the mirror image I see is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of!

I made this lengthy dedication because, believe it or not, no one is truly alone; you may not know them or see them, but someone is always there, praying life into you, no matter how alone you may feel, no matter how ugly you believe yourself to be…someone is with you…always!

Here is a Woman/Child,

Who did not want to be needed;

But needed to be wanted!

Review of Shhhhhhh

The title of this book is priceless. One word emphasizes how we learn to not reveal those secrets that need to be both spoken of and healed from.

This is a must-read for those of us who are aware of our own similar experiences, for those of us who wonder with apprehensive uncertainty about events possibly blocked from our mind's memory, and for those of us who want to better understand what survival from unspeakable victimization is all about.

Beth Anna Moon Ray Ferguson says so much about the aftermath of sexual abuse when she writes We all get Emmys, Oscars, and Tonys for successfully hiding our pain.

—Eugene Shea, LCSW, co-author and illustrator of Creative Therapy, volumes I–IV

Foreword

Sexual abuse in children often goes unreported, and the official numbers stated may only reflect an approximation of the actual occurrences. In children under the age of six, the lack of reporting may be even greater. Due to the lack of verbal and emotional expression skills, sexual abuse is often difficult to identify, diagnose, and assess in young children. Fears instilled in the child as a result of the perpetrator's threats of harm, the risk of not being believed, or the anticipation of punishment may keep a child from disclosing the abuse. The experience and memory may go undercover only to be revealed years later, if at all.¹

We are understanding and appreciate more and more the impact that early experiences in infancy and childhood has on adult behaviors and adjustment in society. As a licensed creative art therapist whose modality is dance therapy, my work with infant and children focused on the core belief that early experiences and trauma to the mind and body, especially experienced at preverbal and limited verbally expressive ages, are internalized in the being of the child and more often than not will manifest itself later in life in maladaptive behaviors and skewed core beliefs. Young victims of sexual abuse will often display symptoms related to thought and anxiety disorders even as adults. They may engage in compulsive and obsessive behaviors to maintain a sense of control and are often seen to engage in hoarding, substance abuse, eating disorders, hypersexual behaviors or aversion to any sex, PTSD, and intrusive thoughts.

This book is an emotional account of one woman's journey from the discovery having been violated sexually by a relative at a very young age to her coming to terms with this truth and the self-healing through forgiveness. Violated at a tender age, the author, whether being confused or not having the words to speak out, does not share this