Stable Wisdom: Surviving Midlife with Style

By Shirley J. Potterton

Although midlife has been traditionally viewed as a time of decline, science and experience are demonstrating that most of our fears are unsupported. For many women it can be a time to rediscover important aspects of themselves that have been left due to the responsibilities of motherhood and careers.

In Stable Wisdom, lifelong horsewoman Shirley Potterton provides a one-of-a-kind guide for women on a midlife journey that encourages transformation and positive changes with the help of an equine companion.

Potterton, whose love for horses was rekindled at midlife, relies on experiences from her own journey of self-discovery as well as others to share powerful tools and exercises to help women embrace the wisdom of an intuitive creature in order to move forward, develop new skills, and utilize innate strengths. Through a step-by-step plan that can be applied with or without a horse, women can learn how to

listen to the inner voice for direction;
create and renew energy levels;
develop a courageous approach to life;
bring insight, wisdom, and experience to leadership roles; and
initiate self-reflection without judgment.

Stable Wisdom provides valuable guidance, tools, and confidence for any woman in midlife who dares to think big and is ready to discover her own unique wisdom and implement exciting life changes.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Jul 15, 2013
• ISBN: 9781475980936

Shirley J. Potterton

Shirley Potterton, MA, a former elementary and junior high teacher and director of Chapman University’s K–12 Extended Education programs, is currently an adjunct faculty member at Brandman University. A lifelong horsewoman, she recently founded Stable Wisdom, a company committed to enriching the lives of midlife women. Shirley lives in Modesto, California, with her husband, horses, corgi, and a very old llama.

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Copyright © 2013 Shirley J. Potterton

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ISBN: 978-1-4759-8092-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8094-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4759-8093-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013907649

iUniverse rev. date: 7/12/2013

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Chapter 1       Ground Training Exercises for Midlife Change

Chapter 2       The Adventure Begins

Chapter 3       Guides for the Journey

Chapter 4       Unbridled Energy

Chapter 5       Uncommon Courage

Chapter 6       The Alpha Mare and Feminine Leadership

Chapter 7       The Princess Principle and the Power of Pink

Chapter 8       Educating Miss Molly

Chapter 9       Fear, Flow, and Frustration

Chapter 10       Back to Nature

Chapter 11       Best Friends and Believing Mirrors

Chapter 12       Learning and Healing with Horses

Chapter 13       Purpose and Meaning at Midlife

Chapter 14       Riding with the Rhythms of Life

Chapter 15       Connecting with Spirit at Midlife

Chapter 16       When the Circle Ends and the Hoofbeats Falter

Chapter 17       Riding On

This book is dedicated to my dear friend Sue Ann Adams. Every woman needs a Believing Mirror in her life, and I am deeply grateful to have such a friend to inspire my life and validate my creative pursuits.

I also wish to dedicate this book to another generation of girls who will hopefully embrace the spirit of the horse whether they ride or not. This includes my precious granddaughters Madison and Brianna Potterton, horsewomen in training.

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Madison, Grandpa, Brianna, and Miss Molly

Acknowledgments

I owe so much to the many women who have taken the time to talk with me about their lives and their passion for horses. Many of their stories are included in this book. What a wealth of knowledge and inspiration! I also wish to thank my friends and family for their invaluable advice and encouragement. I especially want to acknowledge Jenny Wilmarth and Devony Lehner for their great suggestions and for introducing me to so many wonderful horsewomen. Thanks to Pam Weaver for her time, patience, and photography talent and to Ellen Derwin for all the helpful and fun brainstorming sessions.

A special thanks to my husband, who has been patient and supportive during the five years it took to research and write this book. I owe him greatly.

And finally, to all my undergraduate and graduate students and my student teachers, I want to thank you for showing me we are never too old or too young to learn and change course. You have been a big inspiration.

Introduction

Let younger people anxiously inquire, let researchers tie themselves in knots with definitions that refuse to stick, the middle-aged woman is about her own business, which is none of theirs.—Germaine Greer, Breaking Free

For a brief moment I thought I was in heaven. The rhythmic sound of wings passing through the air played in the night like notes on a harp. Angel wings, no doubt. Pleasant, restful sounds. I was in a really good place when the peacefulness was shattered by a scratchy cry that startled me into full alert. I sat up fast, sending a couple of barn cats flying, and looked straight into the bold, round eyes of a teenage rooster. He stared back at me from the top of a bale of grass hay that was stacked directly across from my cot. He hadn’t perfected his squawk or his swagger, but he beat his wings mightily, strutted in my direction, and then called another raucous welcome to what might have been the dawn if it wasn’t totally dark outside. With his next attempt at crowing ringing in my ears, I knew for sure I wasn’t in heaven; I was in the barn with a teenaged rooster who was eager to be heard.

I should be honest and admit that finding myself in heaven would have been a letdown. I didn’t want anything, even heaven, to interfere with the fulfillment of this one very special earthly dream. Any day now my mare would deliver her foal, a first for both of us. This anticipated event was the reason I’d been sleeping in the barn in the cold for two weeks with adolescent roosters, cats, mice, spiders, and who knows what else.

As thoughts of paradise were driven away by the reality of the cold barn, I realized that if the rooster was crowing, maybe it was close to morning. I checked my watch—3:30 a.m., April Fool’s Day. I peeked into the barn stall. The mother-to-be, my mare, Sadie, looked a bit uncomfortable—maybe more so than usual. I even thought I might have seen a contraction—not that I would actually have known a horse contraction from a deep breath. I decided to run up to the house and get more towels in case we were nearing the time of the blessed event.

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Welcome to the world, Miss Molly.

I returned about fifteen minutes later. Sadie stood in the middle of her stall staring down at a dark spot in the straw. In the dim light it looked like a puddle of blood. I threw the towels in the direction of the rooster and rushed in to see what was wrong. A tiny bay filly lay on the ground, head raised, afterbirth comically draped between her ears. Soft brown eyes stared quizzically at me, and I felt tears of absolute joy running down my face even as I laughed at the surprised expression on the foal’s placenta-draped face. The one thing I knew for sure as I watched my very own foal blink and shake her head was that I didn’t need heaven tonight because this was as good as it could possibly get.

My young mare seemed a bit stunned by what she had produced and nuzzled her baby tentatively a few times. I had decided several months earlier to imprint the foal so I carefully followed the step-by-step process developed by Dr. Robert Miller to help desensitize the newborn to frightening stimuli. Applying what I’d learned from studying Dr. Miller’s innovative technique, I introduced the baby to unusual sounds like electric mane clippers and strange sights like plastic bags flapping near her head and hoped I had done everything correctly.¹ A short time later I said a little prayer to the goddess of foals and mares and then sat back and watched the baby wobble up on legs that would allow her to run from predators in a matter of minutes. She searched for and found reassurance and nourishment, and I returned to my cot where the barn cats had curled up on my pillow in a permanent-looking position. I didn’t bother to disturb them, as sleep was out of the question for me.

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A few hours later, after my vet had finished examining the foal and told me what a beautiful baby she was, she left me with one last observation: You’re going to have your hands full with this one.

The baby stared steadily at her. As the little filly continued to watch closely, the vet packed her equipment in the back of her truck and left me wondering what she had meant when she’d said I’d have my hands full.

I still don’t know exactly what she was thinking, but in hindsight, her words turned out to be prophetic. That day, Molly and I had started a journey that would keep us growing and learning together. As it turned out, we would both have our hands full.

Molly was well on her way to teaching me about life’s unexpected changes when I started researching the material for this book. After attending the Western States Horse Expo in Sacramento, California, for several years; reading everything I could find on all topics related to midlife, women, and horses; and talking to countless horse women (and a few men), I realized what I was experiencing was being repeated over and over in surprisingly similar ways in the lives of many women—hundreds and thousands of midlife women all over the United States. As they approached midlife, many women were coming home to an important part of themselves left behind by the responsibilities of motherhood and careers, and their enthusiasm and unique gifts were changing the world of horses and humans alike.

While I had begun noticing some rather interesting changes in myself before Molly was born, it was her birth that started me on the real journey of midlife discovery. It was her birth that challenged me to search for different ways to connect with my horses and my world. Because Molly was such an important change agent for me, I began to wonder if horses had inspired other women in their journeys. I was thrilled to discover the expanding role horses were playing in every aspect of the movement toward midlife self-actualization.

Molly’s birth and the subsequent difficulties we encountered forced me to confront my beliefs about everything from aging to the best ways to interact with horses. I realized I would need to examine how my cherished beliefs about many aspects of my life were influencing my present actions both positively and negatively. Then I had to commit to making changes based on what I had learned so I could make a meaningful future for both Molly and me.

Molly wasn’t particularly concerned with what the books had to say about horse training or my aging body. She just wanted me to figure out how to be a leader, stay in the middle of the saddle, and learn to talk in horse. We struggled for years to learn each other’s language while I nursed my aching muscles and bruised ego and Molly became more and more confused.

Over the years I learned a lot about patience and persistence, but because of that little horse, I refused to give up. I discovered that midlife could be a time of personal growth, not a time to fade into insignificance. I learned it could be a time to make significant change with the wisdom and grace of experience. I also learned that midlife was the time in our lives to make peace with maturity and prepare to conclude the experience of living in a powerful way. My goal in sharing my experiences is to contribute to the ongoing discussion of midlife from the unique perspective of a mature horsewoman. I’m far from an expert on horses or midlife, but I believe we can borrow from each other’s knowledge and commit to living the rest of our lives with the style that is our birthright.

Stable Wisdom: Surviving Midlife with Style explores important themes of midlife. Through personal stories and the inspiration of many writers and researchers, this book examines the unique relationship between midlife women and horses, and how that relationship may have nurtured women in the past and can continue to contribute to feminine physical, mental, and spiritual grounding. While each chapter is organized around a topic that reflects the interests of most women at midlife, horsewomen will find it especially relevant.

Included are the stories of many women of spirit, dedication, and adventure. These stories illustrate the themes discussed in the book and provide motivation to keep learning and growing.

Owning a horse is not a prerequisite for enjoying this book; the ability to imagine being carried forward to new and exciting places by the power of these unique creatures is. Whether or not you share your midlife journey with a physical horse, know that the spirit of the horse you can create in your imagination will prompt you to realize that life, with bills to pay, long commutes, and insurmountable to-do lists, should also include a little bit of magic.

I hope that by reading this book you will be better equipped to embrace your own journey with or without a horse. In my case, the adage that you teach what you need to learn is so true. I often encountered problems I was unequipped to handle, times I felt like I was just moving from one bad idea to the next. That’s when I knew I needed to talk to experts, read books, and look for more information. This book is the result of many years of information gathering.

Finally, Molly and I have enjoyed our often challenging but exquisitely fulfilling journey together for nearly ten years. We have gained most of our knowledge the hard way. I encourage you to find hope from our mistakes as well as our triumphs as you travel your own midlife path. While reading Molly’s story throughout the book, many of you will relate to a special horse who has made a difference to you or changed you in some significant way. Some horses have that power; Molly is certainly one.

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Chapter 1

Ground Training Exercises for Midlife Change

Whether you’re 44, 64, or 84, you’re a survivor. Don’t hide away in your house, just watching year after year after year slip by. Do something. Be active. There’s a reason that you’re still here. Live like it.—Martha Bolton, Cooking with Hot Flashes

An experienced trainer starts a young (or restarts an old) horse by having her learn exercises from the ground; that is, the trainer works near the horse using a halter, lead rope, and/or driving reins rather than just throwing on a saddle, tightening the cinch, jumping on, and hoping for the best. Ground exercises teach a horse to be calmer, more confident, and agile. Horses who learn basic ground exercises in a step-by-step manner usually progress faster, are safer companions, and exhibit less stress than those who have never learned the basic principles of thinking and being in a horse/human relationship.

We too would be well-served to explore some basic exercises for change at midlife. To make the kind of clear-minded change that will allow us to restyle ourselves will require courage and grace, agility and tenacity. To effect significant and lasting change, we may need to develop some new skills and remind ourselves of the strengths we already possess.

The following are ways of thinking that are basic to a change of mind-set. They are not in any particular order, as change is not a linear experience. Just like the ground training exercises for horses, these exercises are not new. Most are common sense and have been around in some form for years. It does help to see them all together, where their usefulness to you can be evaluated.

Exercise #1: Challenge Your UACs

The concept of Unidentified Automatic Commitments, or UACs, comes from the worlds of coaching and psychology. Being willing to examine our UACs is essential to change. If we don’t look at our unexamined beliefs, we may not even realize that we’re in a rut. We all have UACs, some useful, others outdated or even harmful to our growth and happiness.

UACs are such basic components of our thinking that we seldom question whether they are useful. We pick them up from parents, teachers, religious leaders, the media, and life experiences, and we believe them to be unquestionably true. They are cherished and unchallenged, our convictions and conclusions about the way things are. Many women around midlife feel the need to dust off these automatic commitments and see whether they are still helpful or merely excess baggage.

William Bridges, in his well-known book Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes, talks about this process, stating that we periodically reach the point where an attitude, a belief, a style of responding to challenges, a goal or a dream for the future, or an assumption about others—that served us well up to that time—simply isn’t what we need for the future.² Certainly not having to evaluate our beliefs over and over does save time, but often those unquestioned expectations about our lives and especially our futures are detrimental to our growth, and we need to reexamine their validity.

UACs can have a negative effect on our ability to get unstuck in life. By midlife we’ve accumulated a head full of thoughts and theories that would not stand up to a fact check and might even be destructive. For instance, if a woman thinks midlife equals a sharp decline in mind and body, she will be much less likely to exercise or challenge herself intellectually. Based on such a UAC, she might logically conclude, What’s the use? I’m never going to be strong or intellectually active again. If she is sure that she is destined to poverty, she will be unlikely to do anything to change her financial status. If she considers her riding days to be over, she will certainly not buy a new pair of riding pants.

Luckily for us midlife is a perfect time for examining our cherished theories about the way things are because our brains are uniquely equipped to handle this kind of rethinking. In The Secret Life of the Grown-Up Brain: Surprising Talents of the Middle-Aged Mind, Barbara Strauch writes that new studies suggest it may be the very nature of how our brains age that gives us a broader perspective on the world, a capacity to see patterns, connect the dots, even be more creative.³ This describes a brain that’s ready to challenge its long-held beliefs and begin to let go of what no longer serves its best interests. It does not describe a brain in decline.

An insightful horsewoman and biologist, Devony Lehner, wrote to me that she has observed that we often go through life thinking, We’ve got everything covered, all wrapped up, no loose ends—until something happens. The good news is we don’t have to wait until something happens to repack our saddlebags and discover new routes to our goals.

Getting Started:

• Challenge yourself to take a fresh look at your beliefs to see if they are still helpful or holding you back. Make a list of some of your unquestioned assumptions about yourself, life, and the future so you can see them in black and white. Better yet, write them in color. Are there solid facts to back up your conclusions, or are you relying on something Aunt Bertha told your mom thirty years ago that you just assumed was true?

• Question even the things you are sure are true. The goal is to get out of the rut of automatic thinking and look at possibilities.

• Notice your thoughts before you even get up. When you consider the upcoming day, do you assume you’re going to feel good? Have energy? Think clearly? Be playful or creative? If not, why not? What would happen if you modified your beliefs to include some of the new research that shows that your thoughts play an important role in how you experience life?

Exercise #2: Act as If …

This powerful tool can make change so much easier. It may seem a little strange at first, but it’s worked for me and many other women who want to do something meaningful but difficult.

Getting Started:

• Tell yourself, Today, I’ll act as if I’m full of energy. Then do what you think someone with energy would do