It's Never Quite What You Think

By Grace

In mothering newly adopted daughters who were wild and out of control due to no fault of their own, along with a husband who worked 24/7, Grace learned to set boundaries for herself first and better evaluate if she was parenting her daughters effectively. Part of the transformation included acquiring self-knowledge and evaluating societal conditioning about what everyone believes love is and what love should do. The searing sadness of broken dreams and shattered life experiences made it clear that unless she took flight from the fight, she might never want to see the light of another tomorrow again. Ultimately, It's Never Quite What You Think is a story of victory and liberation.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Nov 14, 2013
• ISBN: 9781452572406

Grace

My spiritual practice's natural progression and development as a healer motivated me to write my story and first book, It's Never Quite What You Think. In mothering adopted four- and six-year-old daughters from a foreign country, the searing heartbreak of broken dreams compelled me to evaluate my mothering abilities. In that process, I also learned to mother myself. Acquiring self-knowledge is demonstrated to release ancient beliefs and fears that perpetuate guilt, self-sacrifice, superstition, or long-term suffering, including any handed-down text that promotes dependency on a force other than God's Mind mastery within each of us to create our reality. My stumbles in parenting transform themselves into steps of liberation as my story evolves from the "taboo" of a mother who leaves her home into a message of freedom in the song that it sings: "Love is not held in the captivity of expectation, like the birds, it is free to go as it chooses." Next came the perfect follow-up and sequel, Love Is Enough. My guide, Kuthumi, brings hope to anyone who has ever felt devastated by relationship difficulties, mourned the passing of a loved one, or suffered from the emptiness of self-abandonment and broken dreams. My other self-help books include: Ascended Master Kuthumi's Heart One Defining Moment Truth with No Proof The Voice of Ascension Junie's Story – A book for ages 2-12 and a great adult child teaching opportunity on how animals should be treated with love, care, and respect. Based on the emotional true story of Junie's rescue. Journey to Awakened Consciousness

Book preview

It’s Never Quite

What You Think

A perspective on mothering

and being human

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By Grace

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Copyright © 2013 By Grace.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission. The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please do not encourage or participate in any form of piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

A special thank you to my dear friend– whose support, creative ideas, and fluent use of the English Language, assisted me greatly. This offering of time, patience, and energy will be cherished eternally.

Cover design: Word Services Unlimited,[e-mail]

NOTE: Based on a true story.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7239-0 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7241-3 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-7240-6 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2013906903

Balboa Press rev. date: 11/12/2013

Contents

Dedication

Preface

Chapter 1    Finding a Nesting Mate

Chapter 2    Building the Nest

Chapter 3    The Incubation Period

Chapter 4    Laborious Egg Warming Starts Contractions

Chapter 5    Stork Deliveries

Chapter 6    Keeping Count after Delivery

Chapter 7    Getting All Our Ducks in a Row

Chapter 8    Flock Migrates Home

Chapter 9    Two Many Birds in One Hand

Chapter 10  Chickadees Acclimate to Rich New Land and Diet

Chapter 11  Seeing with an Eagle’s Eye and Cunning as a Crow

Chapter 12  Charting the Chicks Growth

Chapter 13  Chirps for Help

Chapter 14  Our Rooster Made Us Cackle

Chapter 15  Chick in Charge

Transition Six Years Later

Chapter 16  Trust Which Way You Fly

Chapter 17  The Night Owl

Chapter 18  Parent Squawks, This Is for the Birds.

Chapter 19  A Little Bird Told Me So

Chapter 20  Wrong Bird Cited for Jaywalking Gets Sentenced to See Quack Doctors

Chapter 21  No Dumb Cluck, Just Blind as a Bat

Chapter 22  Birds Are Released as Keeper Opens Cage Door

Chapter 23  Wings Get Clipped, Birds Return with Only a Few Crumbs

Chapter 24  Mother Hen Scrambles to Get Out of the Pen

Chapter 25  Wildlife Sanctuary Preserve for the Injured

Chapter 26  Bird Brain Gets a Bird’s-Eye View after Pushing Fledglings from the Nest to Fly on Their Own

Chapter 27  A Pair of New Wings

When the bird and the book disagree, believe the bird.

—Birdwatcher’s proverb

A bird does not sing because it has an answer.

It sings because it has a song.

—Chinese proverb

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Dedication

T o all souls who have suffered, whether they are human, astral, animal, bird, marine life, or any other. May love for self and all others prevail so abuse of any kind will become nonexistent.

Preface

A t 2:00 a.m. I realized it was another hot flash that woke me. I calculated that this was happening about every two hours and was the reason my sleep was so disturbed. As I felt my body changing, I was also aware that my heart was not filled with grief as it had been each month in the past when I realized I wasn’t pregnant. It was a relief that I wouldn’t have to run out to buy another pregnancy kit. God only knows I’d probably single-handedly kept those companies afloat.

Long before I met my husband I dreamed of having a little boy. The desire was so deep in me that I felt quite certain, even when he told me he couldn’t have children, that it was still a possibility. When years went by and it didn’t come to pass, I did my best to stay optimistic. That sense of hope kept me believing maybe next month I’d at last be able to celebrate carrying that deeply wanted baby. When it didn’t happen, I was sent into an emotional upheaval, comparing myself to everyone else when I kept hearing about other newly discovered pregnancies and always questioned, Why not me? The medical reasons why my husband couldn’t father a child were vague, so we held onto the prayer for a miracle.

As time passed, I came to appreciate little things that gave me contentment and realized that gifts did come in small packages. A major one was the wonderful cat that gave me a place to put my love and yearning. It didn’t satisfy the dream of having that beautiful boy I could share a special bond with, but it did help to fill the emptiness. I had felt such love and devotion for this child, as if he were already here, and that was why there was such heartache at not actually being able to bring him into this world. What finally enabled me to release the grief of not being united with him was learning this dream that felt so real was a clairvoyant vision and this child was from a past-life memory. It eased the feeling of abandonment when I found my womb empty each month and helped me accept the possibility of other doorways opening. That was brought clearly into focus when daughters came into our lives and proved to be the perfect catalyst for my soul growth.

I’ve found that when you ask for something, it’s best to stay open-minded and trust that whatever manifests is divine. The universe has the greater picture of what needs to occur to serve everyone’s highest good, even if that includes drama and trauma. Hence, It’s Never Quite What You Think!

Chapter 1

Finding a Nesting Mate

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F inding the man I would eventually marry was not what I ever imagined or expected. I had moved from Toledo, Ohio, to the Miami area when I was nineteen years old. In this new city I enjoyed many artistic inclinations by taking dance, acting, yoga, songwriting, and stand-up comedy classes. I also followed another passion of mine and involved myself in researching spiritual/metaphysical studies, which included absorbing as much information as I could from ancient texts, esoteric beliefs, channeled teachings, and traditions from many of our world’s religions.

Up to this point in life I had been in a couple of lengthy relationships, but marriage didn’t seem to be in the cards. Time just continued to pass like sand in an hourglass, each granule representing my biological clock ticking away. It was time to move on. Still single and thirty-two years old, I had been unemployed for several months and was looking for a sales position. Not much had turned up, so I decided to try one of those straight commission jobs, thinking this would be better than no work at all. I interviewed at an exclusive store in one of Miami’s finest shopping centers that specialized in beautiful artwork and agreed to give it a try. I was so excited at the glamorous idea of me, the artistic Libra, selling art. How perfect to be surrounded by all this color and sophistication, not to mention meeting interesting customers. What a prime place to meet a man. Lovely images flooded my mind as I started to enjoy the prospect of meeting the prince of my dreams while I was at work. If he came into this store, he would have great taste, probably be well dressed, and also have a good job if he could purchase one of these paintings. My world was suddenly filled with endless possibilities, and my dream of love was somewhere on the horizon of tomorrow.

I was so hyped up on the way home that I forgot I had set up another job interview for later that same afternoon. I wanted to just forget it. I’d already scheduled an appointment with this man and felt I should at least go and see what it was about before I blew it off completely. When I noted that this place was in a remote part of the city, I wondered what kind of business it could be. I suddenly realized I had gone from fine art to railroad tracks, industrial parks, and no color at all. As I pulled into the parking lot, I said, Yuck. It was a gray building surrounded by a vacant field, with bars on the windows and trash strewn everywhere. Such a shock it was to my sophisticated/artistic side, which had just been nurtured in the art store. This felt like such a dump to me that I was unable to get out of the car and go up to the door. I had seen enough and decided to just drive away. As I left, it felt like the force of a magnet was pulling me back, but I ignored this push-pull compulsion and just went back home.

As soon as I walked in my front door, I heard the phone ringing. It was the man I had set the appointment with calling and wondering where I was. I explained to him that I’d already taken another job, but that didn’t deter him one bit. He was extremely pushy and had the nerve to ask what kind of job it was. Somehow I still felt compelled to tell him what he wanted to know. It left me irritated that I had responded to his insistent demand. After hearing about my artistic dream job, he continued to hassle me and asked, What do you want? A temporary position or a real job like the one I am offering? I could tell by his accent and the forcefulness of his voice that he probably wouldn’t understand the feelings of a delicate flower. I realized that trying to communicate to him what I liked about the other job was like talking to a wall. The more he persisted, the madder I got. But instead of just hanging up on him, I agreed to go back and keep the appointment. I was fueled by my fury and decided to just give him a piece of my mind and tell him off for being so rude. I had been provoked and strategically planned the choice of words I’d use to express my disdain when I arrived. Hadn’t anybody taught this man any manners? In addition to a few slurs, I wanted to really bug him by asking for some ridiculous amount of money if I was even to consider taking the job. Obviously he needed a new employee, and this was sure to make him squirm. Justice would be served. I would teach him a thing or two about being so arrogant!

Once I got there, he didn’t seem to notice I was being impolite and paid no attention to my well-thought-out jabs. He continued on in his forceful way and didn’t seem to understand the word no. This impressed and repelled me at the same time in an odd sort of way. He went on and on about how I needed a real job with a salary and regular pay if I wanted some form of security in life. In my heart I knew this was true; however, whenever people told me what they thought I should do, my horns would come out, and I could get a little unreasonable and belligerent myself. I blurted out an amount of money, convinced that he would find it ludicrous and tell me just to forget about it. Instead he said, You’re hired. I was more than surprised. I certainly didn’t know a thing about buying parts for an auto body shop. Besides, I was all geared up to sell art and was already in love with the idea of me being in that luxurious environment. This wasn’t the first time that my rebelliousness and big mouth had gotten me into trouble.

He was one of the owners of the shop and conveyed they needed someone who spoke good enough English to speak to clients and other business associates on the phone. That person turned out to be me. And so from the art shop to the auto body shop I went. My new prospective work environment had changed so quickly. I moved from being in the brilliant colors I had seen splashed all over the walls of the art gallery to slipping on gallons of grease slopped on the floors. I shifted from experiencing those classy art vibes to the drone of tools drilling and grinding that made every old filling in my mouth vibrate as I walked through the place. Then the real change of gears came as the image I had held of seeing expensively dressed gentlemen was replaced with men wearing coveralls that looked like they’d been dipped in a bucket of motor oil.

I spent the first couple of weeks getting acquainted with the auto body business, and since I learned fast, I managed to work on my own almost immediately. There was security in receiving a regular paycheck, and I was astonished that a graceful creature like me had made the transition from iffy art position to stable auto body shop job. My general duties at work required me to be in contact with Robert, one of the three partners. I was impressed with how patient he was and really admired the way he treated people. He was helpful and sincerely cared about me and the other people who worked for him. I eventually talked to him about being lonely and how hard it had been for me to find someone to date. He was a fixer who enjoyed making people happy by coming up with solutions for their personal problems, so it wasn’t long before he started using his problem-solving skills on my behalf. He actually came up with a real, live date for me, a man who was his best friend’s best friend. So now I not only had a regular paycheck but a date for the weekend too. The real dilemma was that the whole time I was dating the best friend of his best friend, I was falling in love with Robert.

Every auto shop needs a little drama, but this was serious. When Robert and I talked, I didn’t notice the grease on his clothes but was aware of a golden light over his head. I had never seen this halo on anyone before and didn’t understand exactly what it meant, except that it really got my attention. It was like someone was saying, Hey, pay attention. This is an important person in your life. This highly emotional sequence of events happened so fast it didn’t seem there was even a minute to think about the bigger issue. Robert was married. Ugh. Light or no light, I knew that I would have to quit the job because having feelings for a married man was not what I chose to explore, and it probably was not too great for him either. Or so I thought. We were each aware of our growing connection. I saw his light, and even in the chaos of my own life, he saw mine. I was a very emotional person, and it seemed like a foreign concept for him to see so much emotionality in someone. He held the same passion but just didn’t express it outwardly. He seemed to be pleased that I was able to show this aspect of myself.

I was on an errand one day somewhere out in the boonies and came across a stray dog that looked very hungry. It had always unnerved me to see a hungry animal, and I cried all the way back to the shop. When I told him what had happened and how I needed to go back, I could tell by his reaction he felt the same compassion for living things as me. As he handed me money for dog food, the look on his face told me that had I not been able to go, he would have gone back there himself. This stands out in my mind because it was rare for me to find somebody with such kindness. We came from distinctly different backgrounds and were still of the same heart.

My connection with this man seemed to expand like a flame. I knew that I must do something, and with the help of a few cocktails, I marched right into his office and told him that I loved him. I said these feelings had unnerved me and that I was quitting the job because I knew he was married. It was a hurtful situation for all involved and not one I wanted to be in. I turned in my resignation and marched back out to pack up and leave. He followed me out to my car, saying there was something he needed to tell me. I was put in an even more uneasy position when he said he felt the same way about me and that if I gave him a little time, we could work something out and find a way to be together. He let me know that his marriage wasn’t working out and that he had been very unhappy for some time. I thought, Oh, yeah, right. A likely story.

Until now we only talked to each other at work and made one trip together to the beach. Actually the beach was really the only date I ever had with him, and it wasn’t exactly one of those Prince Charming stories. He didn’t appear riding up on his white steed and carry me off into the sunset. I knew I’d been influenced by too many movies that depicted perfect men with perfect approaches and perfect endings, but this was not that type of dream date. The date consisted of lying fully clothed on a blanket at the beach and just talking. It was declared officially over when we realized that Robert was burned like a lobster. He looked as if someone had drawn a line down the middle of his face and neck, leaving one side white and the other side red. We were both stunned and in such a state of bewilderment/ecstasy that he simply forgot to turn over. It wasn’t easy explaining such a noticeable facial marking the next day at work. My guy was actually burned so badly he had to go to the doctor’s office later that same day. In any event, I ended up staying at the job, and a lot went on there in a very short time. I felt the same force pulling me to stay as the one I had experienced when I showed up there for my first interview.

Having a couple of drinks back then was the way I numbed myself so the feelings were less intense. Based on the new experience with Robert, there was a crescendo of emotion as my drinking got worse. I was a mess. When a good friend heard that I hadn’t shown up for work and came to check on me, she was certain I’d had a nervous breakdown and immediately got me to a therapist for counseling. The combination of events taking place in my life during this period of time would be the start of the real me emerging through the mire.

A short time later another catalyst for