My Resurrected Heart:: A Codependent's Journey to Healing

By Diane Vernitsky Jellen

The story of one womans life with an alcoholic spouse will resonate with anyone dealing with a loved ones addiction. After her husband moved out, author Diane Jellen sought professional counseling and learned that she had played a leading role in the family drama. In order to achieve spiritual and emotional recovery, she had to deal with her own issues including:

Denial Stigma of addiction Shame Blame Family secrets Divorce Financial loss Inability to trust This forty-day devotional memoir details Jellens slow but progressive recovery from crippling codependent behavior to self-respect. Follow Diane on her healing journey and learn how you, too, can face your fears and overcome your shortcomings. Along the way, you will discover that its okay to love and respect the person God designed you to be.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 10, 2014
• ISBN: 9781490818542

Diane Vernitsky Jellen

As a child, Diane Jellen liked feeling needed when her alcoholic dad borrowed the nickels and dimes she had saved. Diane’s cycle of codependency escalated as she enabled her husband’s alcohol cravings. In a search for answers to her compulsive care-giving, Diane attended addiction counseling classes. As her confidence and faith grew, she began to minister to others through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Book preview

Contents

Introduction

Part One Road Trip to Truth

Day  1  Travel Light: Cast Your Cares on Him

Day  2  Till Death Do Us Part

Day  3  Cover Up

Day  4  Unexpected Help

Day  5  Detaching From the Weight of Guilt

Day  6  Wait for Change

Day  7  Shame Uncovered

Day  8  Are We Home Yet?

Part Two Growing Up on the Fast Track

Day  9  Fatal Addictions: Meant for Each Other

Day  10  Denial: An Infection that Contaminates the Spirit

Part Three Marriage Encounter: Memories Worth Keeping

Day  11  God’s Plan: Get Rid of the Junk

Day  12  God’s Presence: Finding His Peace in a Crowd

Day  13  God’s Purpose: To Love and Be Loved

Part Four Relapse and Recovery: A Long High Road to Wholeness

Day  14  Roll the Burden of Doubt Away

Day  15  Freed to be Me

Day  16  Hand in Hand with Hope

Day  17  Resurrected Hope

Day  18  Pep Rally of Support

Day  19  Shopping for Wisdom

Day  20  Door to a New Way of Life

Day  21  Season of Growth

Day  22  Season of Truth

Day  23  Season of Change

Day  24  Season of Promise

Day  25  Addictions: No Match for the Novice

Day  26  The True Breath of Life

Day  27  Through Snow and Rain and Gloom—The Deliverer Brings the Truth

Day  28  Knowing the Distance between Lies and Truth

Day  29  The Helper Within

Day  30  Gift of Approval

Day  31  Never Surrender Your License to Care

Day  32  Detach with Love

Part Five Intervention: A Sobering Experience

Day  33  Getting the Whole Family Sober

Day  34  The One True Liberator

Day  35  Two for One: Hope and Healing

Part Six No Spouse, But I Do Have a Bridegroom

Day  36  A Forever Partner

Day  37  Never Alone: He Has Our Backs

Part Seven A Thanksgiving Gift

Day  38  The Promised Rainbow

Part Eight The Next Step

Day  39  The Crossing Continues

Day  40  Where to From Here?

Acknowledgements

Contact Information for Christian Support Groups

Contact Information for Twelve-Step Programs and Self-Help Resources

Suggested Readings

Scripture Index

Dedication

Ambition’s one aim is for honor and glory.

The Confessions of St Augustine, Book II Chapter 6

St. Augustine of Hippo

Lord, I dedicate this book to Your honor and glory.

My ambitious prayer is that my children, grandchildren, family, friends, and all who suffer the consequence of addiction find their honor and hope in You.

For

Kellyann Jellen O’Connell

Robert Anthony Jellen

Paul Thaddeus Jellen

Jonathan Shane Jellen

Thank you for assuring me an apology was not necessary.

Thank you for loving me through it all.

To Bob, forever peace.

Introduction

My Story

Do I set it forward or back one hour? What is that saying? Oh, yes: Spring forward, fall back.

November signals the end of Daylight Saving Time. Now, in the autumn of my life, I have finished writing my memoir. The story of my codependent lifestyle mirrors the annual spring forward, fall back ritual. In painful detail, I have highlighted how my decisions and beliefs shifted from hope to despair and back again—always dependent on the addict’s mood.

Manipulating time and events was something I believed I did well. In high school, when boyfriends rejected my advice, I moved on. Friends called me fickle. They didn’t know I was searching for the one boy who needed me. Whether by nature or nurture, I began to perfect my enabling skills at an early age.

In my senior year, Bob, the tall, handsome quarterback, showed an interest. After several dates, I realized he had one problem: he drank a little too much. Bob needed someone to take care of him and tell him when he’d had enough to drink. My suggestions fell on numbed ears. Still, someone had to get him home safely, so I volunteered. Years later, I made it official. On our wedding day—for better or worse—I signed on to supervise his sobriety. Or so I thought.

My Awakening, My Hope

Marriage and fatherhood failed to develop in Bob the level of maturity I hoped he would acquire. Decades of efforts on my part to change his drinking habits were unsuccessful. His addiction escalated. He drank more but seemed to enjoy it less. Whenever he passed out, the next day he was quick to defend himself. I was tired. I just fell asleep.

When sober, my loveable husband displayed a gentle, laid-back manner. But after a few beers, he loosened up and became the life of the party. Even our young children stared at him, confused by his drinking demeanor. I learned the hard way that alcoholism is a progressive, destructive disease that will eventually contaminate the entire family.

People who have not experienced addictive relationships may ask, If things were so unbearable, why didn’t you leave? I couldn’t just walk out. I had to honor my till-death-do-us-part vows. Hopeful idealism ordered me, Stick it out. Things will get better. Just as some people who live in stilted homes in low-lying areas refuse to heed evacuation orders as a powerful hurricane bears down, I could not desert my spouse. My overdeveloped sense of responsibility convinced me I could prevent my husband’s inevitable collapse.

I rode out the storm—Bob did not. He left, and our twenty-eight-year marriage crumbled. Desperation led me to Al-Anon and a church-sponsored singles support meeting. These groups helped me distinguish between God’s call for spouses to be mutually submissive and my skewed, subservient mind-set.

Before I could move forward, I had to understand my past. From my journal entries, I discovered many of my codependent ordeals tied into biblical stories that confirmed God’s providential care. I have integrated relevant Bible accounts into this daily devotional to illustrate the impact Scripture has played in my recovery.

In the pages that follow, the first section of each day tells My Story, a candid description of an episode in my life. Each My Awareness, My Hope segment leads from setbacks and denial to acceptance of God’s plan and the promise of a new beginning.

Following each vignette is a journal page designed just for you, the reader. The purpose is to encourage you to write your own story. The goal of a fresh new day is to instill in you the courage to uncover and appreciate your worth. I pray this therapeutic investment in yourself will restore the healing power of God’s Word in your heart.

And so, God willing, we will move forward to further understanding (Hebrews 6-3).

Part One

Road Trip to Truth

1

Travel Light: Cast Your Cares on Him

My Story

The shrill of the phone didn’t slow my fast-paced tempo. I reached for my scarf and gloves, and hollered to my son, Jonathan, answer the phone, and if it’s for me, take a message. I’m late for my meeting with the accountant.

Even though I was in a hurry, I found time to scold myself. Diane, you know you’re still playing the victim role. Why else would you make an early Saturday morning appointment to get your income taxes done? You should be snuggled in your comfy old bathrobe with your hands wrapped around a mug of steaming, black coffee.

On that cold February day in 1999, I told myself this would be the last time I would have to pay someone to do my taxes. Next year, Bob would be home, and he would take over and file a joint tax return like he had when we were married.

With the receiver to his ear, Jonathan, our twenty-five-year-old son, motioned for me to wait. After a brief exchange, he hung up. Mom that was Dad’s girlfriend. Dad… Dad passed away last night.

The chilling news rendered my cardinal red winter coat useless as a shiver rushed through my body.

Oh no, Jonathan, it can’t be true! It wasn’t supposed to end like this.

Stunned, I called out to God. How could You let this happen, God? I prayed Bob would stop drinking. You were supposed to make him come home and take care of his family again.

My Awakening, My Hope

Bob’s death came ten years after the breakup of our marriage. During that time, my relationship with my Father God deepened, and I never stopped praying for reconciliation. Just as an addict struggles to recover from his addiction, the co-addict in me wrestled with my spiritual recovery. I often reverted to bargaining prayer and tried to coax God into answering my prayers my way. My negotiations failed. My lanky, emaciated ex-husband would not be coming back.

At the time of my spouse’s death, I believed God had let me down. After Jesus’ crucifixion, His disciples also admitted their disappointment. Walking the road to Emmaus, they shared their disillusionment that Jesus was not another warlike king who came