Letting Go of Yesterday's Pain: Carol's Story

By Violet O. Cox Ph.D

Letting Go of Yesterdays Pain is a story passionately narrated by Carol as she struggles to find herself in the midst of family feuds, lies, murder, incest, and deception. The book starts out at a slow pace, as the heroine wrestles with her inner conflicts of whether to be publicly transparent or to remain cocooned in her past. However, the momentum of the story picks up when she finally bursts forth from the struggle and unabashedly travels vividly through the chapters of her lifes story.

In a pseudo-autobiographical fashion, Carol chronicles her childhood years that wove the pattern for her adolescent and later adult years of deprivation, rebellion, mistrust, and promiscuity. The deeper structure of the book speaks to two very fundamental building blocks of human existence: the role of the family in shaping the destiny of each member and the unquestionable providential hand of God still guiding a soul in spite of bad choices. The discussion sections based on each chapter provided in the appendix offer biblical authenticity.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Dec 26, 2012
• ISBN: 9781449779580

Violet O. Cox Ph.D

Dr. Violet Cox is a university professor of neurogenic communication disorders in the field of speech-language pathology. In addition to her major field of practice, Dr. Cox is a motivational speaker to women’s groups, a spiritual counselor, and a prolific writer of professional articles, short stories, devotionals, and poetry. She has a passion for prayer ministry and has led many groups, including men, women, and young people, in experiencing a deeper prayer life. This current volume is an outgrowth from one of her prayer encounters with the main character of the book. Dr. Cox resides and works in Cleveland, Ohio.

Book preview

Chapter 1

Trapped Inside

For years, I felt the claustrophobia of being trapped in my life’s experiences. I never allowed myself to experience freedom from the consequences of my past poor choices, even though I’d asked God to forgive me. Torn with regrets, I cried out from the depths of my soul, Oh God, please release me from yesterday! This was my daily cry to Him. Then one day I heard a distinct voice. It said to me, It is time. It is time to tell your story!

It was so long ago. Much proverbial water had passed under the bridge; so, why tell it now? After wrestling with my fears, it finally dawned on me that I had to tell my story because in telling it, I would be released from my own personal bondage of mistrust, anger, resentment, and fear that I carried for such a long time. This baggage had robbed me of the privilege of forming lasting relationships, so I rationalized that telling my story would give me the freedom to minister to others and liberate me from the shame of my past life. I could now uncap the bottled-up tensions and rise from the depths of low self-esteem. Perhaps I could finally lay hold of those dark shadows that lurked in every corner of my mind, and allow the light of God’s forgiveness to shine into my life.

I must admit that even though I’m at this place in my life where I am ready to share my experiences, I do have some post-decisional dissonances that plague my mind. I still wrestle with the fear and the new shame that are by-products of disclosure. But the strong compulsion I now feel to tell my story far outweighs any future or present fears.

A series of sermons preached by a visiting pastor at my local church gave me the unction to share my life’s story. The theme of the sermon series was work on me. I listened to the preacher as he stood before the congregation in total transparency. His life, as he told it, had been dominated by periods of mistrust, unfaithfulness, and, ultimately, divorce. His passion, his honesty, his tears, and his obviously surrendered life moved me! I remembered thinking how awesome and forgiving God must be to grant us second chances even though we have betrayed Him so many times over. Nestled in my own thoughts as I listened to that minister, I thought of the gender-biased society in which we live. So once more, I recoiled from the idea of telling my story. I reasoned with myself, You’d better not tell your story, Carol. A man can talk of his adulterous life and his ultimate change, and people will forgive. It’s different with a woman. The stigma is hard to erase! So I abandoned the idea—or so I thought. But I kept on getting very strong impressions from God. I kept hearing Him say to me, You have to tell it, Carol. Again the battle of to tell or not to tell raged in my head; I felt like Jonah. I wanted to run from my own thoughts. I felt trapped in my own fears. Nevertheless, the urgency of telling my story was by far stronger than the stigma of the disclosure. More than that, the conviction of telling my story was beginning to do a work of subtle healing for me because, for the first time in years, I began to experience a new type of excitement I’d never known before; it was the joy of being released from my years of covert pain.

I felt like Jonah. I wanted to run from my own thoughts.

Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate … And I will be a father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty.

—2 Corinthians 6:17–18

So as I tell my story, I find myself living in the epilogue because now I can see not through childlike eyes walking with an earthly daddy but from the present perspective of an adult walking and talking with my heavenly Daddy. I am safe with Him now. We are on a journey. The sunlight of His righteousness is sparkling through the trees as we walk and talk. I have peace, an overwhelming peace. I’m no longer looking over my shoulder with apprehension. I’m gleefully taking each step with Him confidently because He’s my strong protector. I walk now in the assurance found in 2 Corinthians 6:18: And I will be a Father unto you, ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty. This imagery of walking with God is the framework for the things that matter to me in my life, a life that now is bathed in prayer as I fellowship with my new church family.

I returned to the church after many years of being out there. I was scared at first, but in my heart, I wanted to do something—anything—that could minister to hurting people. This was a passion I felt deeply because I felt qualified to help, based solely on where I used to be. I think this passion for helping hurting people probably goes back to some pivotal memories of my own childhood. Back then, when I saw my mother in pain, even though I did not quite understand the source of her pain, I would touch her, willing her agony to go away. During those moments, she would look at me and smile; I believe that those occasions gave root to my childhood fantasy of being a healer for hurting people.

Over the years, I encountered many hurting people, and even in my own pain, I found myself walking in the place of their discomfort. It was uncanny; I could look at total strangers and sense their pain. I recalled one occasion when I simply exchanged a smile with a young woman after noting the pain her eyes betrayed. She was hesitant at first, but she finally felt secure enough to unburden her heart. In that first conversation, I was able to point her not only to sources for help and guidance for her immediate needs, but most of all, toward the great source of all help, Jesus Christ. Sometimes it may take a kindly smile or an uttered word to allow aching souls the freedom to unleash their pain and find liberty from pent-up shame and guilt.

I attended an all-night prayer service at my local church, and what an experience that was for me and for so many others who were still clinging to the baggage of their past! The pastor called for individuals to share their testimonies during that meeting. Many did, but it was the heartrending testimony of a young woman who had been repeatedly sexually abused from the time she was five years old through her thirties that broke every barrier in my mind and propelled me to the place where I can now say, Yes, I will tell my story. The time had finally arrived for me to let go of yesterday’s burden that still dogged my footsteps. People see me now as a whole person, but they are unaware of the broken places where I’ve been physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I believe that telling my story can be a powerful, freeing experience for many individuals who have been where I have been but are too ashamed, angry, or powerless to let go and move forward.

Many of us women have remained stuck in the quagmire of our guilt and shame. We feel compelled to stay with the status quo and continue in a life of deception. We pretend that we are whole when in fact we are utterly broken. We even imagine that by wearing the latest styles, wearing the brightest false smiles, and saying the most correct catchphrases, we can successfully push aside the past. But the reality remains that if your yesterday’s pain is continuously intruding into your experiences of today, then you are still trapped! By staying in the past, you cheat yourself of the precious blessings and the great expectations that God has for you.

I can say that this revelation took years to surface in