Withering Rose, Bloom Again …

By Angela R. Lueras

A woman is suddenly diagnosed with a debilitating chronic disease, shortly after the death of her father. Unable to cope with her reality, she finds herself separated from her children and living on the streets while grappling with a fierce addiction to methamphetamine. Forced to make the ultimate decision, she must choose to live or die. This is the uncensored account of her journey to recovery.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Oct 19, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452560243

Angela R. Lueras

Angela R. Lueras is a writer and poet who has lived through an intense twelve-year drug addiction and is surviving the devastation of HIV. She shares her story with women across the world, to bring support and spread awareness. She lives in Albuquerque with her three children, two dogs, and two cats.

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Copyright © 2012 Angela R. Lueras

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-6023-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-6024-3 (e)

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

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Balboa Press rev. date: 10/02/2012

Contents

PREFACE

CH 1

CH 2

CH 3

CH 4

CH 5

CH 6

CH 7

CH 8

CH 9

CH 10

CH 11

CH 12

CH 13

CH 14 DONE PRINTED

CH 15

CH 16

CH 17

CH 18 DONE PRINTED

CH 19

CH 20

CH 21

CH 22

CH 23

CH 24 DONE PRINTED

CH 25

CH 26

TODAY

THANK YOU

JUST A BRIEF SUMMARY OF…

DIARY NOTES

TO MY READERS

PREFACE

This book was written to offer support to those who are suffering from any drug addiction, homelessness, chronic illness or mental devastation. This book tells my story of the life I lived during the last twelve years of my life. I hope to bring support to my community and help the spread of awareness world wide. Drug addiction is taking over our children’s lives. Poverty and homelessness is becoming our children’s lives. Diseases are spreading at a younger and faster rate everyday. Mental Devastation affects us all.

CH 1

BAD NEWS OR BAD WEATHER OR BOTH

I remember that day. I remember that day all too well because it was different then any other day. It was the day the storm came to my town. It was the day the storm came to my neighborhood! To my house! To my life! You might ask, What’s so different about that? We get storms in this town all the time!’’ Well this storm was different, just like the day. I had been feeling really weak. Weaker then normal. I had been sleeping a lot more then usual. Then I started coming down with flu-like symptoms I took some flu medicine but it didn’t go away. I rested even more then I had been sleeping, but still, it did not go away. Two weeks passed by, then three, I was still sick so I made an appointment at the nearest clinic to see the doctor. The doctor said there was nothing wrong with me so they were going to do some blood work just to make sure that I didn’t have cancer or diabetes. The doctor said not to worry, that it was probably just a virus that had been going around. I went home and didn’t think anything of it. So again you say, What’s so different about that?" Right?

Wrong because two weeks after I had my blood drawn and three days before my scheduled follow up appointment, I got a call from the nurse. Thinking this was just a reminder of my appointment, I still did not think anything unusual about it. She told me that I needed to come into the clinic as soon as possible. She said my blood work had come back and the doctor wanted to see me in his office immediately. My older son and my daughter were in school so I put the laundry aside and put my younger son into his car seat in the back seat of our car.

It was windy that day and our property sat on Albuquerque’s Southside, a few blocks east of the Rio Grande River. My long dark hair was blowing in the wind and hovering in my face. The magnificent huge tree’s that ancestor this valley were standing tall as their branches swayed from side to side. It was their way of showing us their strength and dominance. When I was a little girl I used to climb as high as the trees would let me and I would pretend I was a fairy with a broken wing that had fallen out of the sky. The tree’s would catch me and protect me before I fell to the earth, where all of the evil monsters lived.

After putting my own seat belt on I headed three blocks to the clinic to see the doctor. When I walked into the clinic I checked in at the front desk. The older lady behind the desk looked at me through her oval shaped glasses; her grey hair was neatly braided to the side. She checked her schedule and then told me to follow her past all the examining rooms and back to one of the business office rooms. Outside of the office room there was a security officer stationed in the hallway. When I walked past him I made a joking comment, I thought this was in a clinic not a jail and I laughed. I never would’ve dreamed how funny this all really wasn’t. The lady from the desk left me in the office to wait for the nurse and when the nurse came she asked me if my son could wait outside the office and that she would sit with him until the doctor was done meeting with me. I said to her, ‘’I don’t understand what’s going on but I guess that would be fine."

As I sat down in the chair I thought to myself, Boy, this is really strange! Then I remembered all the blood work they had done on me a few weeks before. They must have found cancer cells in my blood.What kind of cancer and where? I thought. My thoughts went back to the time when my dad was really sick and he never wanted to go to the doctor. He always lied and said a friend had taken him to his checkups and that he was fine. But he was far from fine and it showed. The whole family knew it!

His brothers would come and try to help him. They told him he needed his family to help him or he was going to die alone. His parents loved him so much and he hurt them so bad. He pushed them away and made them stay away. He had gen-green (gout) from his feet to his knees and he could barely walk. He also had a life-threatening infection (severe sepsis) and had been critically injured (severe trauma) which in most cases leads to reduced functioning of important body organs, such as the lungs, liver, heart and kidneys and often leads to death. I thought he may have had diabetes. I often thought he had a lot of other health issues. I think he lied about that too.

There in the business office I looked around and noticed the small clock hanging just above the window. I imagined the doctor, after a long day of sending whiny patients home, dealing with irrational medical concepts, watching the clock and looking out the window into the normal world waiting for his turn to go home as well. I noticed the air that came out of a small vent in the wall was quite cool, even though the weather was cool outside as well. This surprised me and I thought to myself, Why is it always so cold in these places? I am freezing.

There are two house plants hanging on each side of the window. They too seem to peak out into the world longing to escape. Certificates of scholar, degree and achievements also hang on the wall. They stare at me, showing off their brilliance of academics. There are three large metal filing cabinets up against one side of the wall and I wonder if all my information is filed somewhere inside one of them. I think to myself that at least I am here and I am taking care of myself because I don’t want to be like my dad and I want to know if something is wrong with me so again I can take care of myself. Anyways, I thought what ever it is I will deal with it one way or the other. If it’s that bad I will allow them to do whatever treatment necessary.

So there I sat restlessly waiting for the doctor, the ticking of the little clock echoing inside my head. Finally there was a knock on the door which startled me because I was so deep in thought. The doctor walked in and shook my hand. I stood up when he walked in. Hi Angela, I am Dr. Kahlburg. How are you today? You can have a seat if you like. he said. I did. He was polite but he didn’t waste any time. The test results from the laboratory came in today. We tested you for diabetes and that test came back normal. We tested you for leukemia and cervical cancer. Those tests were also normal.’’ Then he paused before he spoke again. We also ran a test for the HIV virus. That test did not come back normal. I interrupted him and said, So I have cancer? What kind and when do I start treatment?"

Wait a minute! I thought to myself. Did I just say out loud that I had cancer when the doctor just told me that the cancer test came back normal? I heard him but my mouth said something different! Then I thought, Wait! Go back! What was the part where he said HIV? NOT NORMAL? GO BACK AGAIN & AGAIN & AGAIN! He DID say they tested me for HIV, right? Okay, I did hear that part. I should be fine; I’ve been tested for that before! I AM NORMAL! I’ve never used I.V. drugs and I’ve had the same partner for two years! I had three kids before that for Christ’s sake! It’s the not normal’’ part that is staying blurry in my head!’’

The doctor stayed quiet for a second and then his eyes filled with concern. Angela he said, are you okay? I looked at him and said, Of course I am okay! I just want to know when I can start treatment?’’ You are going to start me on treatment aren’t you? You know for the cancer? Oh my gosh!’’ I thought to myself. There I go again! Saying cancer out loud! He said HIV! HIV! What’s going on? What’s wrong with me?

I stood up and walked away from my chair and positioned myself in front of a large mirror that hung on the wall. The doctor came up and stood next to me and put his hand on my shoulder for support. Through the mirror I could see the doctor with his white collar lab coat and his grey receiving hairline. He wore gold wedding band on the ring finger of his left hand. He said to me, Please sit down and try to get comfortable, there is more I must tell you.

I thought to myself, What does comfortable mean? That word at that moment just didnt make any sense to me. What does he mean, More? More what? More HIV? Now I am not making sense at all. I stayed standing in the mirror and I said to him, That’s ok; I would rather stay standing, if that’s ok with you? He said That’s fine if you’re more comfortable that way. I thought to myself again, What does comfortable mean again? I don’t feel anything anymore! I don’t even think I feel! What is feeling? I began to think I was losing it! I thought I was losing my mind! Angela! the doctor said in a more firm voice. Are you here with me and are you ok and ready to listen to what I have to tell you next?’’ Of course I am. I said, ‘’Why wouldn’t I be?" Then he looked at me like

I was losing it! We also have results of a Hepatitis culture that also came back abnormal. Ok! I thought,

Ok slow down!’’ but my mouth wouldn’t move and the words just wouldn’t come out! It was like they were stuck! Then he said, Now rest assure and remember that all of your medical records as well as everything we discuss is kept confidential. You did test positive for both HIV and Hepatitis C and I don’t know how educated you are on either one of these diseases but let me say, alone they are very serious, may even become deadly. But combined together, they are entirely dangerous and gone without treatment can become most critical. Now there are many ways to become educated, and starting off you must be seen by a regular specialist and you must begin regular checkups. And please, you must ask as many questions as you can think of as you must learn as much as you can. The more information you can acquire will of course help you to deal with all of this in every way."

I wasn’t even sure I had heard him that time.Wait! I thought, ‘’I know I heard him! REALLY LOUD THIS TIME! IT WAS LIKE EVERYTHING HE WAS SAYING WAS IN A VERY, LOUD VOICE! IT WAS LIKE HE WAS SCREAMING! SO LOUD! MY EARS WERE GONA EXPLODE AND I COULDNT TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HAD TO GET OUT OF HERE! I HAD TO GET AS FAR AWAY FROM HERE AS I COULD!

I turned and headed towards the door, it seemed so far away! Once I was out in the hall I headed towards the exist sign, the halls were so long. It seemed like I would never get there! The nurses at their stations were talking to each other really loud, almost as though they were screaming at each other! I couldn’t make out what they were saying and my ears felt like they were going to explode again! So I started walking faster and faster. I wanted to run and then as I passed the waiting room my anxiety began to reverse and I began to slow down because everything seemed to slow down around me.

The people seated in the waiting room were waiting for their appointments to be called and were quietly reading magazines. An old lady was walking by slowly pushing a walker. When I walked by they all turned and stared right at me! I felt like they all knew everything!

I stopped right in front of the big window that was right next to the main entrance door and stared out of it, pressing my nose up against the glass I barely noticed the buzzing of a fly that was whirling around my face in search of any opening there might be in the windows frame. It was still really windy outside but the trees were all moving in slow motion. Out in the parking lot a mother was putting her screaming toddler in his car seat in their family van. I guessed he had just got a series of vaccines the way he was holding his arm and grabbing at his legs. I looked towards the highway and the cars were moving slow. Even the people walking by out on the sidewalk seemed as though they were walking in slow motion too.

I turned and sat down in a chair next to the big window and when I did, the people sitting near by stood up and walked away. They must have known everything too! They must have heard the doctors talking to me! That’s why they got up and left! They didn’t want to sit by me and why should they? I remember talks about this stuff in school. Diseases and such! Not just any diseases, the bad diseases. The ugly diseases. I had to grab hold of myself inside and tell myself that there was no way any of these people could know what was going on with me.

The doctor said everything would be confidential but it was harder then I imagined controlling my thoughts. Growing inside was this mass sense of paranoia. Sure you may think, and well you may even be brave enough to say this out loud, that all diseases are bad and they are all equally ugly. But without anyone looking or listening, ask yourself if you really believe that? So…? Do you? You might, until you are the one that actually has the disease.

Now here I am sitting here almost totally frozen with shock. I am not cold anymore, now I am sweating and really bad all of a sudden. The nurse with the oval glasses walked up to me where I was sitting. She said the doctor wanted her to make sure I was going to be ok. She told me about some counseling options and gave me a list of numbers. She said something about calling the clinic if I needed anything. Something about places that offered much support. She was so nice and she seemed understanding. But my mind was so far away that her words were distant to me. Her face looked a little blurry too.

I noticed that she was holding the hand of my three year old little boy. I looked down at him standing there with his little designer blue jean pachetas on with one strap falling over the side of one shoulder. He looked as though he was smiling at me, I couldn’t really be sure. He said to me, Mommy can I go play with the toys? The clinic always has toys and books for the kids to play with while they wait and so I said, Yes baby, go ahead and play He ran off to join another little boy that was already playing with some blocks.

The nurse was still standing there looking at me and then she handed me a piece of paper with an appointment on it. She said I needed to be seen again in two weeks at the main hospital. She said I needed to have my blood drawn again that day or the next day so the results would be back by my next appointment. I looked at her and said, What results? There are more tests? She said it was to get a CD4 count on my blood. Something about, an idea of where the virus was at. Or something like that? Her words were blurry or her face was blurry. Or maybe it was my head that was blurry.

I took the piece of paper from her and put it in my pocket. I turned and looked out the window, hoping she would walk back to her station. But she was still standing there. ‘’Angela, is there anything else I can do for you today, anything at all? I said, Unless there’s a way you can make this go away, there’s nothing you can do for me Then she said, Are you going to be ok?’’ All of a sudden I got really annoyed. Why was she asking me if I was going to be ok? And why was the doctor asking me if I was going to be ok? Did I not look ok? Was I not talking ok? Have I not always been ok? I wanted to scream "I AM FINE! NO I AM NOT FINE! I DONT EVEN KNOW IF IM FINE!’’

Instead I lied and said, Yes I am ok and I will be just fine thank you Inner instincts were telling me that somehow, every inch of my body, heart, mind and soul was not going to be okay. I felt like I wanted to throw up. Something inside my gut was telling me that it was never going to be okay. Ignoring it I lied to her again and said, "I will be just fine, I am just going to sit here for awhile while