Working Backwards: Miser-Ee to Destin-Ee to Happy-Me

By Brendan Lauritz

WORKING BACKWARDS

Homeless, Broke, Divorced, Alone, Reclusive, Humiliated, Embarrassed and very very unhappy.

That should be a reasonable snapshot of someone who really hasn't a lot to live for. Not this little black duck. Brendan Lauritz is no ordinary deperate dot. He is a man on a mission. He's on his way back, bigtime. In this story of success that hasn't happened.........yet, Brendan takes us on a journey, an emotional rollercoaster often with hilarious consequences and outcomes.

This book thingie is about working backwards from his dream and final destination. From the town of Destin-ee back to his pathetic existence in Miser-ee, Brendan has been crying out for someone to show how to make it to the town of Happy-Me, his personal nirvana. But there is no help so he has worked out the escape route himself.

Brendan has created a few new strategies to help him get out of his living hell hole. NEEDSEARCH, DOTS and VIPER POISON are the new weapons he will use to fight off the ee-vil NEGOBS which are trying to block his road to happiness.

See, Brendan is just like you. He wants to be happy again. With only one life and time running out Brendan has started his journey to Happy-Me. If you want easy or "just ask and you will receive" then this book thingie isn't for you. But if you want to walk with someone hand in hand, from the hell hole of hopelessness to the heaven of happiness, then start reading. Your new life has begun.....

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Nov 10, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456789206

Brendan Lauritz

Brendan Lauritz is in a mess. He needs help. Talk about rock bottom, well Brendan is rock bottom and beyond. Broke, homeless, divorced, depressed, living in a tent, no car, no friends, no confidence, reclusive, Brendan hasn't got a lot happening in life. But he does have one thing going....BELIEF in himself. And he is getting out of his pathetic existence in Miser-ee and heading for his Destin-ee and his ultimate sanctuary in Happy-Me! Nothing and nobody can stop him. Now you have the opportunity to actually WATCH somebody REPAIR themselves and by watching that happen YOU should be able to do the same. Enjoy Brendan's journey in his AUTOFUTUREBIOGRAPHY from nothing to everything.

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© 2011 by Brendan Lauritz. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 11/02/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-8921-3 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-8920-6 (ebk)

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

COVER DESIGN (Front and back)

Jack Lauritz

Ritzy Publications

Email : [e-mail]

Contents

BACKWARD

BACKWARD

Babble

CHAPTER 1

GONE

CHAPTER 2

Miser-ee

CHAPTER 3

WORKING BACKWARDS

CHAPTER 4

DREAM

CHAPTER 5

Belief

CHAPTER 6

DOTS

CHAPTER 7

NEEDSEARCH

CHAPTER 8

NEGOBS

CHAPTER 9

VIPER

CHAPTER 10

The Happy-Me Trip

CHAPTER 11

THAT’S BUSINESS

CHAPTER 12

Where To From Here?

GIGGLE JUICE

TOP TEN.

To my boys Tim and Jack. I love you.

BE your potential

DEAR MISTER SOMEONE OUT-THERE

Dear Mister SomeOne Out-There

I need your help right now

My life’s a mess

No longer can I handle the pressure, I can’t handle the stress

See, I’m in some place I’d rather not be

Somewhere near Hell, called Miser-ee

A town filled with fear, loneliness and despair

You gotta get me outta here, Mister SomeOne Out-There

For some time now while I’ve been in my rock bottom

I’ve had plenty of time to think

About the gift of life I’ve been blessed with

The search for true happiness is, to me, the missing link

Away from the alcos, and druggies, and psychos in space

Depression, obsession, the addictions, get me outta this place

So to grow stronger I’ve watched and I’ve listened, I’ve studied and read

Millions of authors and gurus, to try and get ahead

And they have told me all the stories

About the greatest comebacks of all time

Some truly inspirational, but lacking for mine

Because I need to SEE someone come back, I need to WATCH them repair

I need you to show me how to do it, Mister SomeOne Out-There

That’s it. No more. I’ve had enough. The journey must begin

It’s time to leave for my Destin-ee

Where I will start life all over again, a new Happy-Me

The fare’s been paid and the journey must be made

So take my hand and guide me

On the trip I want to share

Please come with me on my journey, Mister Someone Out-There

I need help so it’s time to get together

For a counselling session or two

On how to complete the journey

The steps to take and how to break through

So can I pop over to your place, and will I need a key?

What’s That?, Mister SomeOne Out-There

Oh . . . . how silly can I be

I already have the key to your place,

After all, YOU LIVE IN ME.

—Brendan Lauritz

Only in absolute calmness within self can you find me

—Mister SomeOne Out-There

BACKWARD

Hello… .

Hello dot… . well… . hmmmmm… . I say, hello there, anybody home? . . . .

If you’re reading me how come you ‘ain’t talking to me… . dadedadedadedade… .

Well… . say hello back… . c’mon… . don’t be rude… . cuuumon… . say it… . you don’t have to say it aloud if you feel silly talking to a book or iPad… . there’s nobody looking is there? . . . . well don’t say it aloud then, just say hello back to me in your head… .  c’mon dotty… . pleeeeease… . thaaat’s it… . oh… . oh… . that’s it… .

Yeeeehar… . well done… . I knew you could do it… . Hi, nice to meet you!

Sorry if I embarrassed you dotty but, you see, I’m not one of these award winning writers (yet!) and I’m not really into one way communication. I just need to talk with someone, and that someone is you. You’re the one holding this book! Oh, and I hope you don’t mind but I like to call my friends by name and, if it’s OK I’ll call you dot or dotty. Don’t worry it’s my term of endearment. You will understand more when you read the Chapter about Dots.

See, I like talking. And if I can’t talk to you, and you don’t talk to me, then obviously we can’t communicate and so I might as well do what I was going to do in the first place and just write a journal of my journey for my own purposes. But then I’ll get lonely. If I talk to you I don’t want a one way conversation. I think it’s damned rude and disrespectful to talk to someone and they don’t even acknowledge you.

Anyway I’ve got this idea. See I make a lot of stuff up because when I can’t express what I want to say using other people’s made up stuff I do my own. I have read sooooooo many books lately but they all just write and it’s like they are talking AT me rather than TO me. So I reckon we can communicate with each other using EMPATHY BABBLE. That’s where I write stuff as if I am talking to you. Now I know that the book thingie can’t talk back to me and if it did I would surely pee ma pants, but while I am talking to you I use my (brilliant) empathy skills to FEEL what you are thinking and saying. Which means, in a lot of cases, I say things to you (in brackets like this) after I feel you may be responding to something I’ve said. OK? . . . . Got the drift? . . . . Cooooool bananas!

Oh dear, you already think I’m mad don’t you? I’m not mad. I’m just sorta different, a bit out there. I just think people should write like they talk. That’s being honest.

So this empathy babble will keep me in touch with your feelings and the way you are reacting to what I am saying, or, more to the point, the way I think you may react to what I am saying. That way I won’t feel so lonely and depressed, and it’ll be like I’ve got ma good buddy along with me for the ride. We can share our moments together, our feelings and help each other out, as good buddies do. We can even have a giggle together about lotza stuff.

You see, I’m living this nightmare of homelessness. It really is the pits. I just wanna get outta here. Living in a tent. Broke. Debt up to my eyeballs. Divorced and single. Kids I love but never see. Reclusive. No car. No furniture except for the chair I got out of the rubbish bin. Eating off charity and support services. Seriously life sucks!

But I’ve got something. I’m sick of living like this. There has to be a better life out there somewhere. And so I’m getting out and I know how to do it. I’ve been working on it for a long time now and I’m ready to start the exit trip. That something I’ve got, money can’t buy. I’ve got newly acquired knowledge which I have used to prepare my journey to a town called Destin-ee, a smidge down the road from my nirvana, a joint called Happy-Me where I will spend the rest of my life. In the meantime I have toughened myself up with life survival skills to control the ee-vil obstacles that are continually causing negativity in my day to day battles while living in this hell hole called Miser-ee. I’ve done a lot of thinking about life, my life. And I’ve found Mister SomeOne Out-There, the person I talk about in the poem introducing this journal. He’s so cooooool. I had no idea where to find the right help when I went searching but as it turns out he wasn’t hard to find at all. I just had to look in the right place. You see, he lives in me, so I’m using the knowledge I have gained about life, and myself, and the new improved ME is about to be set free. This journal is to document the trip I am taking. But is this a work-in-progress, or maybe a journal, or even a book kinda thingie? Hmmmmmm, I’ll have to have a think about it… .

For me to even get to the stage of writing is remarkable in itself. But I have to do it for my own sake. I have to document what is going on in this crazy head of mine. I’m not sure at this particular point in time whether I will publish this story or whether it is just a journal for my own purposes. If the finished product is what I want it to be I will definitely publish it as it will mean that I have been able to describe my journey in a format that the average person is able to not only comprehend, but also will find helpful in discovering whatever it is they are aspiring to achieve. I really don’t know if I can get my message across because it is so confusing when you are on the bottom. And right now I’m living my rock bottom. I’ve spent a lot of idle time thinking, as you do when there are few exits from a place of misery. But it hasn’t been wasted time. It’s been opportune time.

So… . to get outta this town called Miser-ee it’s time to come clean. I am an addict. Yep, that’s me. Not a drug addict or an alcoholic. Nor am I a sex addict… . I can’t even remember what that form of entertainment was like! No. I am addicted to self-help books, personal improvement books and anything, including CDs and DVDs, self-help courses, seminars, web sites that will give me inspiration, motivation and whatever I am looking for, so that I can get whatever it is I am looking for.

NOW HOLD ON… .

Before you even think about slamming the book shut and using it as a cleaning device in the smelly room of the house, please bear with me because what I have to tell you can be what you are looking for as well. I know I sound like I’ve gone one bong too long or am on the verge of an almighty mental breakdown but I told you I’m out there. You see my incessant reading of autobiographies, biographies and any other type of factual personal assassination seems to help me, BUT… . there’s something missing. It never seems to get me quite what I am searching for. Doctors fix up pains in the ass and other sore thingies, shrinks try to fix up nutters, but who helps dud dots like me who are suffering life disasters, train wrecks of the soul and rock bottom repercussions?

Anyway in this very drawn out Backward, which is my version of every other author’s Forward, Introduction, Prologue, and whatever other title they use to summarise what the book’s about, I am going to try and explain what I am writing about and to show you how I am going to do what I have already done in the future!

Oh I know, after a statement like that I don’t blame you if you want to use me as crap paper because I sound quite mad even to me! But I do love a good story, particularly the one’s where people go through immense suffering and then turn it all around to become successes (I really am starting to sound like one sick puppy, huh!). Yep, I just luv’em. Why, you may ask? Because so many of the books I read give examples of other people’s misery, just like mine. And the authors tell you a story about some poor, depressed, unable to live another day wretch who pulls off the deal of the century and becomes rich, successful, and dismisses their demons forever. Yeehar, Dr. Feelgood, throw another one at me because I’m just like them!

And so I put the book down after the author tells me the same thing that all of them do… . IT CAN BE ME! Hotcock hootananny! (I tried a spell check but nothin’ came up). I go to sleep with that satisfied, even smug grin on my face, deliriously happy and content that I can do it too because I seriously believe I’m at least as smart as any of those blowhards that have come from the gutter to conquer the world.

And so I dream. You know that word pretty well too don’t you. Yes, DREAM. I’m going to devote a whole chapter in this book to the DREAM because it’s vitally important to my message. I wake up after my dream. I jump into my freshly ironed Superman suit, fly down to the breakfast table and kiss Lois Lane and the little Superbrats. I take a couple of mouthfuls of Superman soup and head off knowing that after the book and the dream, I am destined for the fame and fortune I justly deserve and that pretty soon I’ll be putting in a bid to buy the White House and Buckingham Palace (just as holiday homes of course!), buying an Airline so I can choose what colour plane or helicopter I want to travel to work in, and be happier than Tiger Woods in a supermodel knock shop (no disrespect Tiger, I just lurve ya work… . golf’s pretty handy too!)

Hmmmmm, it didn’t help this time. Well, no problem. Just grab another self-help guidance book. Have another dream and we’ll get it right next time. I KNOW I can do it. All of those people jumping up and down like maniacs at the latest Anthony Robbins spectacular told me. I’m sure all of them are now on the Forbes best of the best, richest of the rich lists… . aren’t they? Hmmmmm… .

Anyway 499,227 self-help and personal improvement books later I’m still a dot, one of 6.8 billion dots, but I just don’t seem to have cracked it into the top 6.7 billion most successful yet! Why? All of the other dots seem to be working it out, don’t they? Well, I mean all of the books and tapes tell me about all of the other dots who have made it… . OR HAVE THEY? Hmmmmm… . I wonder!

Truth is, I am in a huuuuge personal and financial mess. I hit rock bottom so hard that my soul and spirit just bounced out of me and kept heading south. I’m rock bottom alright… . and then some! So far down, in fact, that my ass is starting to get prodded by that little Lucifer fella in the red suit with the pitchfork.

Oh, I get it… . noooow you’re interested. So you’re just like me, huh? You wanna know more about my misery and how the hell (’scuse the pun Lucifer ’ole boy) I’m going to get out of it. Well I’m going to share all of this with you and more. But I have to explain a few things first.

I guess you’re wondering how I got myself into this position so you can get some sense of warped satisfaction out of thinking how close it is to your own situation… . just like I luv reading about other people’s tragedies before the big BOUNCE BACK! Just reading about other poor dots that are doing it tougher than you makes you feel better, doesn’t it dot? Sick, sick, sick… . anyway… .

Rule Number One: It doesn’t matter. I have made a complete mess of my life, driving myself to personal and financial ruin through total mismanagement, bad judgement, bad advice and whatever else goes into making the wrong choices. Me, myself and I manifested this miserable existence of mine. There is nobody else to blame. Fact is, I’m here. Whatever happened 4 years ago, 20 years ago and even one minute ago holds no significance to me whatsoever. It is PAST. It is no longer controllable and to linger on the past is totally wasteful. So let’s move on to what I can control, obviously NOW, and LATER. So getting back to what this book is about, I told you how I love a good story. Well this is a story. It’s MY STORY. It’s the story of my comeback and how I did it… . even though it hasn’t happened yet. Hmmmmm? It sounds like nutsville here I come but whatever your story, whatever your disaster, wherever your rock bottom, then I have a pretty good feeling that this journal/book is going to be a major turning point in your life. It should because you are going to WATCH me come back! You see, I’m just like you. I’m real. I’m on the bottom in Pit Place. And I hate it! I have been searching for someone, a mentor, to guide me through the nightmare I am living and turn it into a dream. I’ve been sitting at the bus stop waiting for Angelina Jolie to come over and ask me out, and getting very old waiting.

Rich Dude, Poor Dude, Sickest Man In Babylon, The One Millenium Millionaire, Awaking The Sleeping Giant (watch out girls, it could be mine!), Chicken Noodle Soup For Suckers, The Marketing Secret. You know the ones. Seriously, some of them are great and give us all something to think about. Some can get us soooooo excited, pumped up, ready to conquer the world, that we walk around for a couple of hours after the hit wondering about the big celebration you will have, and the googillions (lots) you will have to spend, right?

But there’s something missing. All of the authors have some advice, and some of it is exceptional. But the truth is I haven’t found one author, one speaker, one motivator, one mentor, who can actually identify MY PROBLEM… . and throw me the SOLUTION I desperately NEED… . and I know the reason why… . THERE ISN’T ONE! I just hate to sound like the Grim Reaper dotty but the simple answer is: If it’s going to be, it’s up to me.

So this is why I really believe this book will be life changing for you if you don’t just read it. STUDY it. APPLY the message to your own circumstances. No matter what your rock bottom is WE can fix it, and the reason I say WE is because I am putting a little trip together for us. We are the ones in the mess and so we have to get out of it TOGETHER. It doesn’t really matter what your rock bottom is, if indeed you are in one. It may be that you are just sick of your repetitive, boring, uneventful life. You may have recently divorced or separated, maybe lost your partner or someone dear to you, had a financial wipe out or even lost the house with the kids in it! The only thing that matters is that you are here, just like me. So I want you to come with me on my journey where the only direction is north, where the ultimate destination is happiness in my nirvana town called Happy-Me. Are you ready to start life all over again? OK, BECOME MY STORY.

HUH? You’re thinking at this stage I should be committed. You’re right. I am one hundred per cent committed… . to my comeback. I am going to DO what all of the experts talk about. From crisis to comeback. From misery to my destiny. Stick with me because I am going to take you by the hand and walk you through my redemption but with a little bit of a difference… . I haven’t started yet! So my first step is a step with you. I am TOGETHER with you. This is something a lot of the authors of the gazillions of self helps and personal development books ALMOST get but just don’t know how to explain it. And the best way to explain it is TO DO IT. I have spent more than four years working on this. I have slept it, dreamed it, breathed it and lived it, because I just had to find out the solution to getting out of this fucking mess… . HOLD ON FOR A SEC… . Ohmmmmmm… . I promised myself I wouldn’t use that f word again (OK, OK, I’m sorry… . but in certain instances it is warranted to emphasize my anger and frustration, isn’t it, huh? . . . . oh, come on… . lighten up a bit, dotty!)

No, you moron (sorry, not you… . me, this time I’m talking to myself!). I know it’s hard to keep up and it reads like the ramblings of a madman, but take my word, as I mentioned before I write like I talk and talk like I write which is definitely not very straight, or very correct. I know publishers won’t like it if I go down the publishing path, but I have an idea to fix that if needs be. You see, ME and this journal/book thingie are REAL. I couldn’t find anybody to help me or show me what to do, and I desperately needed to watch someone else get out of their pit of misery. So once you have seen how I fixed myself before I started you should be able to do the same yourself. Clear as mud? Anyway, as we move forward and before we move backward I have to cleanse my soul so I have to address the filthy language bit.

I need to make a stand on this because I’ve been trying to kick the obscene language scene (I’m an exceptional poet as well!) for some time now and I don’t want to publish a book full of filthy language. I don’t know you and nobody should use language that is just plain disrespectful so I will explain quickly before… . F-O-O-O-R-R-E-S-T… . arrives (who? . . . . later dot).

Let’s just analyse the most used swear word in the English language. The word fuck in Australian terms means sex. If you do a Google search the Encarta Dictionary gives the following description a highly offensive term meaning to have sexual intercourse with somebody. Hmmmmm, that’s disgusting… . woooops, sorry… .

So, picture this: I’m at the local boozer in the public bar with all of my big tough, womanising, chauvinistic, mostly tattooed mates where a typical bar conversation on a Friday night after work goes something like this:

I went to the fuckin’ footy on Saturday with fuckin’ Fritzy and the fuckin’ idiot wanted a fuckin’ piss, so he pulls the fuckin’ one incher out of his fuckin’ shorts and starts pissin’ on the fuckin’ idiot in front of him… .(raucous laughter from all the big tough bar boys!).

Now let’s try and translate that beautifully sculptured piece of English literature:

I went to the sexn’ footy on Saturday with sexn’ Fritzy and the sexn’ idiot wanted a sexn’ piss, pulls the sexn’ one incher out of his sexn’ shorts and starts pissin’ on the sexn’ idiot in front of him.

I mean, really, what IS that! Just sex’n stupid, don’t you think? It just doesn’t make sense does it? A peer group pressure word to make people fit into a group or to be rebellious or something. I didn’t start this off to impress anyone as it was going to be my own journal but now that I have decided to share my experiences with others I need to show some respect and a little bit of class, which I’m not sure I have in my li’l bag of literary goodies. So even though you’ve tried to burn me, use me as a fly swat, and wiped your ass with me, I respect you. Right, no more swearing. I’m rehabbing. Going clean. Cold turkey from now on. No sex’n more… . no, I’m not using filthy language. Sane people don’t deserve it. And if you’re reading a book written by me it indicates that you need some sort of help or guidance and your sanity is questionable at this point in time. So congratulations, you’re just like me! Am I making you feel any better yet dot?

. . . . F-O-O-O-R-R-E-S-T… .

Hello. It’s me back. Just grabbed a coffee from the Conference Room. Now moving right along. So I went back to the very basics as far as experience and knowledge go. And then I read, and read and read some more. And I’m sure the reading helped and I got some really helpful hints, but not a solution to MY problems. I just kept spiralling out of control. Down, and down and down… . thud!

 . . . . H-E-E-E-E-L-P!

And then the crash came. Rock bottom and beyond was reached. The sizzling white hot pitchfork up my blurter is a call to arms (ouch, that hurt Luci!). Then the penny dropped. A CRITICAL MOMENT. A DECISIVE MOMENT in my life… . THE BEGINNING of ME!

So I want y’all to relax and get into a place where there are no distractions and concentrate on what I am going to tell you. I am not another self-help or personal improvement book, nor do I want to be. This book isn’t a forward planning or goal setting instruction book. If that’s what you are after then you need to drive a semi-trailer down to the local library and load up. There’s a bazillion self-help and personal improvement books which are helpful from a general point of view and some are specifically related to various life tragedies. You will also find books relating to the power of positive thinking stuff, goal setting, forward planning and yarda, yarda, yarda. I just can’t read another one of them and I can’t listen to another motivator carry on like he’s on some lifetime permanent orgasm.

It’s let’s get real time. No more critical analysis of my problems and what I need to do. No more theatrical I wanna show you how good I am crap. I’m in a seriously bad situation so I want you to watch this poor wretched soul try and explain what my head is doing to get out of this real life ongoing disaster. It’s the explaining that I’m having the trouble with because the recovery has happened… . just the logistics need to be sorted out. If you want a quick fix or some miraculous story about anyone can do anything, then seriously you don’t need me. Go and get your fix at one of these free seminars that everyone invites you to. You know the ones… . free to get in and your life to get out! Anyway whatever you want just ask and apparently you just get it. It’s no Secret. Everybody keeps telling me, and so I keep asking and… . zippo! How come I’m the only dot on the planet that never gets stuff when I ask? (oh really… . you too dot? . . . .). You mean there’s two of us… . (huh? . . . . three counting Oprah! But hold on, Oprah loves… . ? oh it doesn’t matter dotty Oprah’s a very nice lady and helps heaps of other dots). Hmmm, but the power of perception is veeeery ahhhm… . interesting, no?

. . . . F-O-O-O-R-R-E-S-T… .

Hello. It’s me. Sorry, getting a bit cranky and frustrated trying to unscramble my brains. Started happening after the divorce and the three breweries I drank dry afterwards. The recent blurter jab hasn’t helped much either. Now, let’s get back to serious mode.

I want you to come on my journey that hasn’t happened yet and TOGETHER we are going to CREATE my comeback. Together we are going to write my story. And when you see what happens, you will understand what it takes to get there. And when you understand that, you will be able to apply it to your own situation. Because, you see, that is one of the most important revelations. The self-helps and personal improvement books are generalised. They can inspire and motivate to a degree. They can do what they say. They can help… . but they can’t solve. They generalise not specialise. And I’m sure you will agree we need some specialist help, not just a keep trying and she’ll be right bit of apathetic guidance, written in a million different ways! Aah haa (is that how you spell ah ha, you know sort of like arh haaaaar, like sorta now I got it thingie?), now you’re getting a little more excited, huh?

As much as I can laugh at myself, my disastrous current situation, and perhaps give you cause for a giggle or two, I hope that you will take the meaning of this book very seriously because it is the one disaster recovery book that will change your life. Because this book, unlike all of the others, is getting down, dirty and PERSONAL. I am living my nightmare, not telling you about someone else or what happened once upon a time. It’s self-help alright. It’s about MY-SELF and will help YOUR-SELF!

I really hope I can communicate this to you in the way that it needs to be done because it is soooooo important. It is actually very emotional for me right now and tears are welling up in my eyes because it has been so challenging and draining for me to find the SOLUTION to my rock bottom existence, and it is going to be even harder for me to explain it to you and help you recognise what YOU need.

So vision us in a place of happiness, where you are ready to come with me and find out how to do this, just like I have found out about myself, and am going to have YOU with ME, just like I am with YOU (even I’m worried now because that actually makes sense to me!)

This is the critical part of the success story that they haven’t told you because they don’t know it themselves. I just have to figure out how to best explain it