Deep Within Mary Jack

By M.Y. Jaabosigo

The first born daughter of Lerato Jack, Mary was born and raised in a small township in Bloemfontein, together with her stepfather Robert Jack. One day, she packed her suitcases and made her way to live in the big city of Johannesburg, where she looked for employment. Mary was a sister and a mother with a wonderful soul who got pushed to self-destruct. She seemed to have it all, except the thing that she needed the most: love. She had lots of love to share but received little in return. Needless to say, in the end she became a woman despised. She was chasing her dreams, her passion, and yet was very unlucky in finding real love and romance. Everything was not what it should have been. After spending her days trying with no luck, Mary went from being a good woman to being a morally unrestrained one, who almost destroyed her life trying to compete with men. It was almost too late when she finally got the unexpected in return for her bad deeds. The situation got out of control and she ended up almost destroyed, mentally and emotionally. It took death for her to realize that all her bad deeds had been for nothing, as they’d left her scarred, broken and deeply damaged within.

• Language: English
• Publisher: M.Y. Jaabosigo
• Release date: Aug 10, 2018
• ISBN: 9780463537916

M.Y. Jaabosigo

Born South African from the North West region and proudly raised by a single mom Monica, together with other four siblings Godfrey, Joy, Thabo and Mpho. Currently writing based in Capetown South Africa. Educational background in Management Assistance, Management of Technology and Innovation and Hospitality studies. Work experience in Personal Assistance, Sales and Marketing and Business or Hotel Management. Learned how to write creatively with Da Vinci Institute. Awarded top achiever award in Management of people. Received several numbers of awards while working as a Hotel Manager. As an indie author, she writes as an inspiration to young women out in the world. Just like most women who suffered in silence, she hopes that her writing as she used it to find her own voice, to put pen down to paper in a form of an expression of freedom of speech, most women can be motivated by her stories she shares and learn from her the importance of finding the "freedom of speech" as Nelson Mandela the great leader of all times once said. Most important is to encourage young aspiring authors who failed or still failing to get their manuscript published to go out there because they're told that it is not good enough, it doesn't meet certain criteria etc.know that there's plenty of methods that can be used to reach out to the world. Anything is possible through faith. There is nothing that brings serenity to one's soul, than doing something that you are passionate about. It is not about money, or readership and lime-light but loving what you do, knowing that writing is therapeutic. It feeds one soul. It brings joy to one's life. It is your craft, embrace it as you dig deep in the places of your mind in search of flowing words that you put together on paper to share with others. And when you do something with such passion, everything else happens automatically.

Book preview

Deep Within

Mary Jack

M.Y. Jaabosigo

© M.Y. Jaabosigo 2018

Deep within Mary Jack

Published by M.Y. Jaabosigo

Cape Town

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ISBN 978-150-778799-1

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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the written permission of the copyright owner.

Layout and cover design by Boutique Books

What is depression?

Let me tell you about this woman Mary Jack. She had a dream of becoming a very successful woman, possibly being married with kids one day. However, life happened. She was molested by her stepfather at a young age and this left her feeling emotionally depressed as a woman. As memories from her childhood manifested in her adulthood, her depression came, in between her achieving most of her dreams. Her dream became part of something else.

Her dream of working for a very big company was achieved. Her dream of meeting a wonderful man was almost achieved. Her dream of becoming a wife with two beautiful kids was almost achieved, although she had a child but not a husband. She however managed to take care of herself financially and physically – at least her body was very beautiful and in good shape – but she was emotionally unstable.

One of her achievement was making too many male friends, who followed her everywhere: on social media, Facebook and twitter. The minute she posted a picture of herself, there would be hundreds and hundreds of comments, all telling her how hot and beautiful she was; comment after comment.

She became a real entertainer who was always making everyone laugh and every guy wanted her number. She, however, kept to herself.

Mary had this energy within and she used it to bring light to her friends. She was always the light at the party. She was never seen in the same outfit twice. She had boxes and boxes of shoes, pairs and pairs of jeans and, on Facebook at any rate, she was the perfect woman with a perfect life, who was well educated and financially stable. She seemed to have it all.

However, nothing is perfect, right? Mary seemed like she was always having the best time with her friends, always travelling and having new adventures, and she had so many stories to share. But people started to notice that basically Mary was living two lives. No one knew her inside. She had everyone to text, but no one to talk to; everyone to follow, but no one to walk with. When her phone was out, the world was her stage. She had an invite to every event, but she still felt lonely. She had all the friends in the world, but no one really knew her. She was going through pain but never showed it.

There was something that she hid from the world, or maybe no one ever cared to ask. She was hiding sadness with what looked like an ideal life. She was always smiling, but always sad on the inside. Her inbox was always full, but she felt empty within. She was happy on the outside but struggling with depression and anxiety. She was struggling with an addiction that everyone called a lifestyle. She was struggling with emotional depression when people were only interested in her physically appearance.

Most people think that depression is sadness, crying or being quiet. Depression is when we smile but we want to cry or when we talk but we want to keep quiet. Depression is when we pretend that we are happy but we are not. It is not always obvious.

Mary drank to drown her pain, but eventually her pain learned how to swim. She was sick of crying, tired of trying, fed up with smiling when inside she was dying.

It’s amazing how we think we know someone but don’t know them at all. I don’t think anyone understands how stressful it is to explain what is going on in your head when you don’t even know yourself. We use filters to lighten our photos, whilst we carry the heavy weight of our stress. Remember that it is okay to have Facebook friends and followers, but make sure that they’re your real friends. Don’t live for the approval of others. Document the moments that you are most in love with yourself, not only moments you think people will love. Tell people you love them. Be a trustworthy friend. Tell them that they matter. Tell them that they have survived a lot and they’re ready to thrive now.

People who care will ask how you are doing. People who love you will wait till you tell the truth. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Author’s Note

I decided to write this novel to uncover the undisclosed truth about how women cheat too. Women cheat for many reasons and many men shy away from this hard truth. They shy away from accepting that, as much as they cheat, so do women. This book provides the deeper confessions of a woman who cheated without being caught, and the reasons that drove her, or led her, to do so.

Women cheat for different reasons to men. Often they cheat for love and seldom for the sake of simply being unfaithful to their partner. Men also cheat for many reasons, one being that they want out of a relationship and so cheat, get caught and then find it easy to leave. Men often cheat for the fun of it, simply because they don’t realize what they’ve got until they get caught and regret it once their woman has gone. Or some cheat because it makes them feel like real men; as the saying goes, A man is an axe. They think they might as well cheat for the sake of cheating. No other reason at all. And one cannot stay with these types of men. No matter how hard you cry for him to stop, he will continue to break your heart until you walk away and he finds himself another victim. It is who he is and cannot be changed.

The worst cheating men are those who cheat because of their low self-esteem. It’s a waste of time and energy to even consider a future with men like this as they will constantly look for ways to boost their egos by sleeping with multiple partners, increasing your chances of getting sexually transmitted diseases as they can be very selfish towards the person who is waiting for them to change.

Others cheat due to the fact that they lack something at home and this causes them to become bored and prompts them to go and look for it elsewhere, often making their partner feel as if it’s her fault. It’s not your fault when a man decides to stray when he does not feel fulfilled in some ways at home because this type of cheating can be addressed and improved when there’s clear communication between partners.

In a nutshell, there are a whole lot of reasons for men to cheat: either they’re addicted or they cheat because cheating is too easy for them.

But women’s reasons for cheating are different. Some women today cheat due to the fact that their men cheat and they want to get even. Often this competition doesn’t end well as women come with high expectations, such as emotional attachment, when compared to men. Women cheat because they don’t feel appreciated; often men cheat for the same reason. However, when a woman cooks, cleans, takes care of the household and kids, and doesn’t feel appreciated, she opts to cheat with someone who will make her feel appreciated and worthy as a woman. This includes having sex outside the current relationship, which may lead her to become emotionally attached to the man she is cheating with; men seem seldom to attach emotions.

In most cases women cheat to feel loved and appreciated. They cheat to fill a certain void created by their past relationships with the opposite sex. In this book I uncover the reasons why women cheat and how they can get away with it without getting caught. Mary Jack was never caught, but the sad part is that even so all the lies and deception caught up with her in the end and she was ultimately held back in relationships that didn’t manifest into something positive. She ended up all alone, with no one to keep her company; no one to keep her warm during the cold winter nights.

It is my personal views that, while some women cheat in the open, some still pretend not to be cheating but deep down they know that they cheat as much as men do; they just get caught less often. The big question here is: who are the men cheating with? Both sexes choose voluntarily to cheat. No one compels anyone to cheat, but they do it anyway and often want to blame their partners for their behaviour. The thing is that, if one chooses to cheat, one is free to do so, but not at the expense of another person.

I know people who feel like they’ve wasted years of their lives because of poor choices. They spent years in a relationship that was toxic, years with an addiction and years at a job where they weren’t fulfilled. But you have to realize, nothing you have been through is ever wasted. Your past experiences, good and bad, have deposited something on the inside of you. Those challenges have sharpened you, to make who you are today – S. WIMBERLEY

Prologue

Mary Jack was an amazingly beautiful woman in her early thirties, with long, silky dark hair that fell to her shoulders. She was fairly tall; about 165 centimetres in height. Her skin colour was a mixture of dark chocolate and toffee. She had very beautiful, white teeth and a smile that lit the room when she was happy. But when she was sad or mad, she frowned like she’d just eaten a lemon. She had eyes as big and bright as the sun, and a body in the shape of an hour glass. She had a voice as sweet as a melody. She was very attractive and always radiant, as if she’d just had a facial.

Men adored her smile: it was inviting. When she smiled, her smile said a lot. Things like, ‘Know me, tell me how you feel about me’. Everyone wanted to grab her for himself. Her body was worth a million dollars: very fine, no cellulite and extra smooth. She had a naturally slim figure, with the right amount of curves and butt correctly positioned. It was flexible and so easy to manoeuvre. She was not a model, but looked like one – and, to put the icing on the cake, she moved like one.

She was an ordinary woman, born and bred in a township in Bloemfontein, but had the qualities of a runway model; her posture and how she carried herself made her stand out in a crowd. Her spotless face exposed her beauty. Her beauty was made to perfection; almost as if she were man made. She was a work of art. There was a quiet elegance about her and she was always neatly dressed.

Words never seemed able to express Mary’s beauty, and it wasn’t only on the outside but on the inside too. People loved her. The company she kept admired her. She had such a pleasant personality that, when she was not around, people missed her. When she was happy everyone was happy, and when she became sad everyone was sad. She had that effect on a lot of people who surrounded her. She was not just beautiful, she was also intelligent. She was almost everything a man could want in a woman – every man’s dream – but she turned it into her own worst nightmare. While some women envied her, others detested her beauty. Men wanted to get closer to her so they could have a feel of her body. For Mary, the pain of cheating was great, but for the men it was just another booty call.

Chapter 1

It was a warm Saturday – February the 14 th , Valentine’s Day. She had never felt so lonely on that day. It was the first time since she’d begun dating that she’d had to spend this day alone and it was too silent. In her silence, she could hear everything that was happening outside her apartment. She could hear the sound of the kids playing outside, but it seemed extra loud on this day, and the sounds of birds whispering to one another. There was the sound of the faint wind blowing slightly in the trees. It seemed as if there was a mixture of different weathers taking place simultaneously. The sun was scorching and its rays pierced through her living room windows.

Her mind was distant; travelling through the sounds. It felt to her almost as if she were having an out of body experience. She could almost feel her heart beat, closer and yet slower than usual. It felt abnormal. Her house was too quiet. The sound that was playing in the background was that of the neighbour’s television and kids playing in the park.

At the time, she lived with her seven-year-old daughter, sister and nanny, but the house did not feel like a home without a man in it. She rested her body on the couch while her neighbour’s television played out loud in the background, but her mind was travelling, wandering, wishing and hoping that her lover would come back home. She had chased him out. She had been angry and devastated by his cheating, even though he was the only man she’d felt comfortable with for so many years. Damn! She couldn’t take it anymore and he’d had to go.

But why was the house so cold without him? That was the question that kept replaying in her thoughts. Why didn’t she feel complete without his presence? Who was going to touch her the way he would touch her, running his hands around her hips and thighs, caressing her while moving his lips tenderly around hers? Despite how awfully he had treated her, she still missed him. Despite how unappreciative he was towards her, she still loved him unconditionally.

She was lost in so many ways that she’d never imagined. It felt like he was the man whom she’d known from almost before she was born. It felt like her mother and God had arranged that they’d meet after she was born. He had done the unthinkable, but he was still loved by her.

It had happened over and over again. It seemed that he couldn’t close his eyes – not even blink – without thinking about cheating. All he ever saw was different women flaunting themselves graciously in front of him as if he were a king. She loved him, but something about his love for other women kept her from embracing him tenderly the way she wanted to. Instead of admiring him, he’d made her loathe him.

Am I not attractive enough, from inside out? Why is he cheating on me endlessly? Is there something wrong with me? Am I doing things imperfectly? What is it about me that makes him want to cheat on me endlessly?

These were the questions that she asked herself on that day. In the background, tracks continued playing from the music channel on a television. All they did was bring back the memories she was trying to erase. They served as a reminder of how much she missed this man. It didn’t matter how he played her: she loved him despite his flaws. To her he was no saint. He was not perfect, and he certainly was no god. But despite this, despite her misfortune in their relationship, she kept forgiving him, taking him back even if it hurt her. At this point she was no longer sure if it was love or whether she simply couldn’t live without him despite how much it hurt her. She was not sure if it was love or a need for security that kept her taking him back. Perhaps it was just that she couldn’t live with the thought of him being in the arms of another woman.

At the time, what she thought was love, was actually words that no one could even find in the dictionary. Indescribably meaningless!

* * * *

Love is something that no one can describe to a distinction. Love can make you hate, it can even make you love. It can anger you; it can even make you smile. It can bring rage upon your life and it can even bring you calm. It can make you suicidal, but it can also give meaning to your life. It can be true and it can sometimes seem untrue. Love can be indescribable and is often confused with lust and obsession.

It’s best to always refer to the love that the bible teaches us, as it seems less complicated. Loving a person can really hurt. Loving a person can make you smile. One can actually say that loving a person brings a lot of contradiction to one’s life. And, without love, a lot of people wouldn’t have stories to share. Most people wouldn’t reach their happiest moments nor their saddest. If one were to describe love, one would say it is too complicated. It can make you the happiest person in love for two weeks, but come back after two weeks and you are the saddest person. And that is why R Kelly, the famous musician, says, ‘When a woman loves, she loves for real’. He knew exactly what he was saying when he wrote that song.

February the 14th is well-known as Valentine’s Day. It is not a public holiday, but nonetheless a day specially dedicated to love. This is the day for lovers to show each other how much they appreciate each other by sometimes, although not always, exchanging gifts and pampering one another. And this applies not only to women. Some couples spend time together at day spas, quality time, away from the kids at a hotel. Some celebrate by being indoors embracing one another, or going out on a date, perhaps a candlelight dinner or watching a movie.

Different couples have different ways of celebrating this day. In the end, if you have someone in your love life you wouldn’t want to spend this day alone and staring at the walls because you’ve had a fight with the one you love; especially a fight caused by a cheating partner. It can be any other day but it shouldn’t mess with a woman’s Valentine’s Day celebration.

Should this event take place with the couple separated, when they reconcile the making up had better be good enough to make up for causing each other to spend the day apart. A misunderstanding may occur prior to this day, but often a couple will pretend for a while that things are okay so that they can spend this day in peace. It is like banking all that could have caused you to spend this day without seeing eye-to-eye. For some people it is often easier to brush things off till the next day, and this is a good strategy: to postpone your anger and be happy for just a little while. By the time tomorrow comes, you may well have forgotten what you were fighting about.

And then you don’t fight. You talk calmly about the issues that could have caused the two of you to fight. Even though, at times, it can get heated between arguments, the good part is that it didn’t mess with your special day. Should you let your emotions control you, like so many women do, when this day comes you will spend it staring at the walls with your man alone somewhere else or perhaps in the arms of another woman.

Unlike women, men move on quite fast. While you’re busy pounding over him, he’s busy with the one he cheated on you with or is perhaps trying to catch another fish: there are plenty of fish in the sea. Only when you begin to forget about him does he start to remember you. The one thing that men shy away from is the fact that women cheat too. A man may assume that she’s his alone while he ain’t hers alone.

Well, here is some food for thought: if you ain’t hers alone, chances are she ain’t yours alone either. If she confesses to you about her cheating, just know that she’s had it with you. You pushed her too far and, now that she’s cheated on you too, instead of feeling good about it she feels bad. But why do women feel bad after they’ve cheated? For some men it is as simple as changing underwear but we women beat ourselves up about it.

If he cheats on you and you still manage to forgive him and take him back, why can’t he do the same for you? It is not some testosterone issue: men and women hurt the same. There’s no such thing as men are like kids and have to be handled with care. If he manages to cheat on you with a bunch of women and is still doing it continuously, he is no boy and knows exactly what he is doing. Women must stop condoning men and their cheating nature. If you cheat as a woman, do not try and blame your partner by saying that he cheated on you first and you also wanted to return the favour. Yes, it may feel good at first, trying to make him feel the way he’s been making you feel. And yes, the feeling is nice at the time, but what about your value? Is it love? Do you think you love yourself that much if you are putting your body through the strain of endless relationships with different men? Because surely, for some men, the minute he finds out that you are cheating on your partner with him, he will taste the cookie and honey, but you won’t hear from him again unless he’s coming back for more.

Unlike many women, most men have pride. See, he knows the implications of trying to have a relationship with you. The first thing that comes to his head is: If she’s cheating on her man with me, how am I so sure that she won’t do the same shit to me? I don’t want a woman like that. To constantly be thinking about who she cheating on me with. Men don’t see the value of a woman who admits to cheating on their man with them and, if he knows and pretends to be okay with it, he’s only after pleasure. It is seldom that you will find both cheaters fall truly in love and start a family. If they couldn’t be trusted back then, can they really try and build trust between themselves?

Should they succeed, it is often by chance or some form of a miracle from God. At times, if it is successful, it will be okay for a while but there’ll be constant reminders of how they met through cheating: no peace around the house. If one partner stays out long hours after work, they will be accused of seeing someone else. Often kids become involved. If one child looks a bit different, there will be accusations that he or she is another man’s child.

Unlike women, men seem often to cheat for no good reason at all. It could be because he was attracted by bigger thighs, breasts and butt; things that his woman doesn’t have. At times, his woman has these things but something else attracted him about the other woman. It could have been her manners, character, personality, that she seemed not too nagging, not too loud, but a woman of substance. Sometimes, men just cheat because they can’t get enough. He might cheat with a person who has the same characteristics as his woman, who is almost a carbon copy. Some men get attracted by her brains, her intelligence: she’s smart, she challenges me and she’s got that drive about her. And that is why you find that being attractive – even drop dead gorgeous – sometimes doesn’t help when it comes to the nature of men. You find a man with an extreme model, Miss Universe, turning heads, a woman that men would kill to have, still cheating on her. One man was asked why men cheat and his answer was that men prefer variety; they don’t want to eat chicken every day. They want to eat beef, sausages and so on. He spoke for himself and said he can’t live by bread alone: he needs fat cakes too.

In contrast, most often women cheat to compete. They want to compete with their cheating partners. They cheat for revenge; they want to get back at their cheating partners. They cheat for attention. Some women cheat for money, to please someone, for pleasure, to get a sugar daddy, to get ahead fast in life. Some cheat because they are desperate for real love. They feel that by cheating they will feel loved and might use this cheating as an excuse to get out of their boring relationship. And for some people, cheating is fun and they don’t care who gets hurt. As long as they get what they want, they are content. Even the word cheating on its own doesn’t refer to them. It is normal to them. They see nothing wrong with it.

And, sadly, some people cheat because they want to feel wanted and admired. They cheat for solace. Many women cheat because they have been brutally hurt and disappointed and think that it is the end of the world. They feel that they have been pushed to the edge. Instead of walking away, cheating becomes an option. This leads to a woman taking solace in a man who really doesn’t care about how she has been hurt or disappointed. He will console her, try to cheer her up, but it is often only for his own