The Crap Chronicles

By Rod Zchitski

A ''...Day in the life'' or should I say a ''...Shit in the day'' of our writer, the book chronicles the days events into a succsinct package.

These are slice of life ''snippets'', while performing the duty on the throne, that the author has accumulated over the years. Some are more poignant than others, some are cruel, some are sweet while others are vicious, while all are nasty to begin with anyway, ha ha! But they''re almost always funny! Some have a political undertone while others are specific to the job in hand or should I say, more precisely, the job on the bowl.

A subtitle used in these ''e-mails from the edge'' on almost every page is SOS., very apropos, don''t you agree?

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jun 17, 2005
• ISBN: 9781456725471

Rod Zchitski

The author, a renound engineer [of sorts] and builder, with a decidedly humanistic bent, has had many years of experience in the subject and contemplation on the throne.  Several years ago while bragging and compairing notes with a collegue about their proclivity and prowess in the all important defecating department, which was a serious and humorous matter for both, our writer decided to chronicle many of the events of the following years.  A loving and devoted [mostly] father, husband and son, his family and professional life sometimes intrude into or add to the descriptive essays from the commode.

Book preview

The Crap Chronicles

by

Rod Zchitski

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© 2005 Rod Zchitski. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 06/06/05

ISBN: 9781420834291 (sc)

ISBN: 9781456725471 (e)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Thursday, March 26,2003 2:07 PM

To:      Donato, Thomas; Nordestrom, Robert

While in conversation with a Mr. J. Camerrieri of the NYC School Construction Authority at approx. 12:30 PM, I had to excuse myself due to defecating priorities. I thus proceeded to stall#1 here on the 2nd floor where I deposited a short but powerful excrement. It started out solid but ended in a soft rancid mound. Although not of the most desirable ‘blood sausage’ consistency, the pungent bouquet more than compensated for this. Hopefully, this will be repeated on a regular basis and........may you have a nice shit too!

PS. Roberto...you Swedish ‘meat ball’! I shame you with my kaka prowess!

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Monday, March 31, 2003 12:51 PM

To:      Nordestrom, Robert

Cc:      Donato, Thomas

Subj:      FYI

Yesterday, Sunday 03/30/03, I had some concern, by the early evening, over the lack of defactory urges over the course of a 24 hour period. The concern was real. I strive for regularity!

Then early this morning, at approx. 5:00 AM, efforts were made and a nasty turd was expunged. Like thin sausage in initial consistency, it was followed by a mound of little bullets that took so long to crap out that I was almost late for work! But like a good soldier, I quickly regrouped and made it in to work with time to spare..............to be continued.

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Tuesday, April 01, 2003 9:06 AM

To:      Nordestrom, Robert

Cc:      Donato, Thomas

Subj:      The usual

Today things were getting back to normal, after breakfast and 2-3 cups of coffee, I had to cut short my morning meeting with the Resident Engineer and perform my bodily functions. I didn’t even make it to ‘Page Six’ before the majority of the putrid stuff was out, which thankfully, was kept semi-solid in consistency largely due to my eating a banana after dinner last night.

However, slight discomfort and rumblings in the abdominal area might be a portent of messy events to follow. To be continued...........

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Thursday, April 03, 2003 7:39 AM

To:      Nordestrom, Robert

Cc:      Donato, Thomas

Subj:      SSDD

Well, as expected, my stomach’s messages of an impending messy event, just like the 82nd Airborne and Marine Expeditionary force were sending the ‘elite’ Republican Guards, came true.

You know, you try to do the right thing by your family, and you get nothing but ridicule and abuse. The stress of the last few days has been intense. Tom, the addressed character ‘Roberto’ here has more knowledge of the events of the last few days, but suffice it to say that juggling work, family and m-o-n-e-y can cause stress at times. Having to deal with three women on a daily basis; wife, mother and little brat daughter doesn’t help. Plus, having a son who resembles me, in all manners, more and more with each passing day is a bit disconcerting [scary]!

But any way, as I was beginning to detail, my next movement after approx. 30hrs. was a short but explosive burst of crap which forced me to check under the toilet seat for any unwanted splatter.

Unfortunately, this AM my stomach repeated the ominous messages of yesterday, just like the USAF was sending in Iraq, so further messy events are in order.......to be continued..

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Friday, April 04, 2003 9:25 AM

To:      Donato, Thomas; Nordestrom, Robert

Subj:      FYI: My accident

----------Original Message----------

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Friday, April 04, 2003 9:08 AM

To:      Reeves, Steve

Subj:      My accident

Steve, as you know, I was in an unfortunate and serious accident seven weeks ago on the out bound ramps from the ‘Bridge’ as I was going home from work, from our company parking lot. As I was being MEDIVAC’ed to the ‘Medical Center’, the Police Department was nice enough to impound my ‘totaled’ car to their lot near the ‘Bridge’. Hey we all work for the same company! In the following two weeks I visited the car at the lot several times to retrieve personal belongings and visited the Police to obtain a ‘Police Accident Report’. After contacting my insurance carrier they told me they would pick up the totaled vehicle.

Un-be-knownst to me, the insurance company was late in picking up the remains of the vehicle. Then several weeks later [approx. 2 weeks ago] the insurance company called me and told me that they had attempted to pick up the vehicle and that the Police Dept. would not release the car to them without written and notarized permission from me.

I was chagrined to find this out, since I thought the matter had been put to rest.

But, as a good American, I first called the Police Dept. and asked what they needed, explaining that the car was under lease and that the insurance company had the right to pick up the car! After that interesting conversation, that taxed my tolerance, I immediately went to a Notary-Public and sent to my insurance company written permission allowing them to retrieve said vehicle from the Police lot at the ‘Bridge’. The should be picking it up a-n-y day now.

------------End of original message-----------

Note: The illustrative memo above, which I had to write to my boss, who begged me not to be too flippant, to explain to our bigger bosses why my wrecked car had been sitting there at the lot for all those weeks, is due to the fact that some A-hole lieutenant in the Police Dept. called the head of our department, the friggin boss of bosses, to complain about me taking advantage of the company parking lot.....shhiet, you can’t make this stuff up!

Amusing isn’t it? Its also constipating.... which brings us to today’s narrative;

Just before I was set to go to work today, a quick and hard effort was made and a small but HARD turd was expunged. Things however got more normal when I arrived at work and where I let loose a big stinky wet shit, which took a half a roll of company toilet paper to clean up, nice. To be continued.....

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Monday, April 7, 2003 7:22 AM

To:      Nordestrom, Robert

Cc:      Donato, Thomas

Subj:      The usual

Monday arrived....with a vengeance! I was all dressed, coat, keys in hand, out the friggin door, when the bowel wanted relief. Back in I went and a short, nasty product was expunged.

But things weren’t as bad as I thought it would be, weather wise. No snow yet, less chance of me getting into another accident! However the afternoon might be more problematical, 4 to 6 inches are predicted. It’s fuc*ing April 7th for Gods sake and I still have to see friggin snow! @#^*(*&)$( ?*)! <(*^&%4 u/!

May all your movements be regular and deposited with greater calmness...to be continued....

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Tuesday, April 8, 2003 12:41 PM

To:      Donato, Thomas; Nordestrom, Robert

Subj:      sos

I’m expecting good things in the near future as I just had the ‘mother’ of all cheese steak sandwiches!

From:      Zchitski, Rod

Sent:      Tuesday, April 8, 2003 2:12 PM

To:      Donato, Thomas; Nordestrom, Robert

Man what bad timing I had! I had to take a leak [#1] and walked into a toxic friggin ‘love canal’ situation. Sheeyiett! This guy in stall #1 must have been dumping out decayed hamsters out of his ass. I had an instantaneous urge to vomit and run out of the room. I tried to be