From a Coccoon to a Butterfly: Shame That Kept Me Captive

By Rebecca Pizarro-Smith

The true account of my becoming a homeless women. I kept this fact a secret from my friends and co-workers. The manager of a five star property in Manhattan without a home to call her own.

I did not have a shopping cart, my cart was a brand new car. A women full of hate and bitterness, blinded by the desire of being loved, but not knowing how to achieve it.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Feb 10, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456717391

Rebecca Pizarro-Smith

The true account of becoming a homeless women while working in a Five Star property in New York City While wearing designers cloths and shoes, I was living in my car for two and half months of my life. The shame and pain of the wrong choices I made, and my eventual return to the Lord. The revelation exposed through therapy, the secret that held me captive. Born in Santurce, Puerto Rico. Raised in Loiza P.R and adopted by my city which holds my heart, New York City. Owner and resident of the city of El Paso Texas by the grace of God

Book preview

Ch 1

The sad reality…

the moment had arrived

My heart was pumping. I was trembling inside as I placed my foot on the landing of the stairs to see the door of my apartment…there it was. The day had arrived. The notice was on the door. By the order of the Marshall (Marshall’s name), I could not enter my apartment. I was out on the street. I was homeless.

I was ashamed as I walked slowly down the stairs. It seemed unreal. Was this really happening to me?

I went back downstairs to see the super (thank God they were good Christian people). He opened the apartment for me. As I walked into the apartment, I felt saddened to know this would never be home again.

I placed his things in the hallway closet and realized as I did it, I was being decent to someone who did not deserve my kindness. While removing my things, I thought of all the memories I had of this place. Five years of my children’s and my life had been lived to the fullest in this place. We lived on the fifth floor, the top floor. I used to take the steps two at a time to Apartment 5-C.

Where am I going to go now? I asked myself, unable to answer.

As I took my things and placed them outside in the hallway, along with things to give away, I realized I had no one to turn to. I went floor by floor giving everyone I knew some of my things. Things I could not take with me in my small Celica. Everyone was happy to receive what I was giving. No one asked, Where are you going…do you have a place to stay?

I filled my car with my essentials and drove away from the block that was so familiar and the only home I had in the city. The older people of the building watched me as I loaded my car. They were all elderly, nice people who gathered in the early evenings discussing events and politics..

I bid them goodbye, and I knew, as I drove aimlessly away, that I was the subject of their evening conversation.

I drove and drove. I was trembling, and tears were coming down my cheeks without restraint. I was not angry, I was not sad; I was scared. I was so scared because…I could not think of anything to change my circumstances. I was HOMELESS!I pulled into a quiet area (Lehman College) and parked. My mind started to wonder…How did I get here? Where did it all begin? Then, I remembered.

Ch 2

The Dream

I was pushing against the door. He was blocking me. Obviously he did not want me to enter this room.

I finally managed to get in the room. It was an unfamiliar room, very dark and dirty. I have never been in a crack house, but this room looked like one. He lay on a dirty mattress, on the floor, without sheets. He looked dirty (Kerry had never been a dirty guy). There were rodents all over the floor, behind the bed, and against the wall. There were worms, alive and crawling on the wall. There was an animal in an old wooden closet.

I was in shock. What are you hiding in such filth, I asked, to which he answered me by spreading his arms as if saying, I don’t know.

I woke up from the horrible dream and immediately understood. Kerry was lying to me. I understood the dream in my spirit even before my mind could catch the meaning of it. I knew he was lying to me about something, but what? Kerry was my fiancé. He was the man who had stood by me and had given me love and support when I had needed it the most. I counted on and believed in Kerry with my eyes closed. I trusted him and thought of him very respectfully. We had met in Florida during hurricane Andrew in 1992. We had both lost our jobs and became best friends.

He was funny and reliable. He was strong, and I when I was with him, no one could harm me. He had brought me to Michigan, his home town. He introduced me to his family who accepted me very warmly. I had been hired by the University of Michigan Business School during the summer of 1995. I was supposed to have gotten my children back from their father after summer vacation, but their father decided against it. He took unfair legal measures against me, and when it was time to choose between my kids and my career, I chose my kids. I left for NYC and left Kerry in Michigan working to be hired at Cedar Point, where we would meet again.

Kerry got the job in Cedar Point. After three months, I convinced him to move to NYC. He always dreamed of living in NYC, so he took the offer. My ex-husband was now living with a new girlfriend and agreed for me to pay $3,000 to the real estate agency that managed his apartment complex, and change the names on the lease. Kerry and I became the new occupants of apartment 5-C. We now had a place of our own. That, as I look back now, was my first mistake. He found a job as a Bell Man at a Hotel in Manhattan. He began to work the second shift. He preferred the second shift because, That’s where you make money. It all started very slowly, as everything catastrophic does.

Ch 3

The Phone Call

I started working at a hotel, two blocks away from where he worked, as a Front Desk Agent. Sometimes our schedules kept us from seeing each other, but he would always manage to stop by my hotel or send someone else to bring me something to eat when he could not come. He was so detailed and caring. I knew nothing bad would ever happen to me while I was with him.

The first suspicion…Deep in my sleep, the house phone rang. I picked up the phone, Ask Kerry where he’s been, the voice on the other end said, then, click. A second later, I heard the key in the door, and Kerry walks in. What are you doing awake, he asked me. I was still groggy. I was asleep utill a second ago. The phone rang and the female on the phone said for me to ask you where you have been, I told him. He looked startled for a split second. Although he recovered from his shock quickly, my brain and my senses picked up the fear in him. I convinced myself that Kerry would never betray me. We used to sit down for hours and pick the songs that we wanted to play at our wedding. He would look at bridal magazines with me and show me what dresses he wanted to see me wear on our wedding day. He would introduce me to his friends and co-workers as his wife.

Anything I needed, my kids needed, Kerry would provide for us.

I began to feel very uneasy about my relationship with Kerry. One day he was getting ready, and I realized that he was wearing his dress socks with his tennis shoes. I don’t know why that rang a bell of alarm in me.

I asked him, Are you sure you are going to work? Yes, he answered with a very indignant. Righteous anger, I used to call it. I kept observing him without saying a word. He put on his sneakers and did not put on his white socks as he always did. There had been a change in the program, and I had not been notified. As he kissed me to leave, I asked again, Are you sure you are going to work today? He answered very softly and kindly, Yes babe. I hate being away from you. If I did not have to work, I would be right here with you. That sounds good, I said to myself. I like those words. However, the other part of me said, You know he is lying! I then looked deep into his eyes and said, If I call your hotel, and they tell me that you are not there or can’t come to the phone, you better stay wherever you are. I don’t want you back. He smiled sweetly at me, and kissed my forehead. He left. I got dressed very quickly and followed him into the subway. I watched him as he got on the train. I got in the car right behind him where, I could watch him through the window that connects them. I followed him, and instead of getting off at 59th Street, he continued going downtown into the village (he and I both worked in Mid-Town). He went into a store, and I took the opportunity to call the pager company. I gave them this messageThis does not look like Mid-Town. I thought you said you’re going to work. I waited a few minutes and he came out of the store. He was looking from side to side. I called the paging company back with another message, Meet me at the square. I am looking at you. He did.

When we met at the square, he started to explain. The lies were inexcusable, but I believed him(I wanted to believe him, so I did) We spent the rest of the day together.

He did not have to work that day. He had lied.

A few weeks later, it was a warm summer day, a Sunday. We had made plans to meet in Manhattan. My daughter was coming along. He used to call her Princess Pin Pin. At the last minute, she decided she did not want to get on the train and go to Manhattan. I called Kerry at work to inform him. I explained the circumstances, he sounded undisturbed by the change of plan. We said good bye, and I stayed on the line as I always did, to hear him click away first. Somehow, the phone did not hang up. I heard him speaking to the front desk lady.

Is that your wife, She asked. No! I don’t have a wife. I am never going to get married again. I did that mistake once; I am not going to repeat it. Actually, he continued, That was one of my girlfriends. Oh really, she exclaimed, very interested in his confession. Yeah, I have about three of them. That one is the one I live with. I’ve been with her the longest. Someone came in and needed his help. The conversation got interrupted. After a few minutes he returned. Yeah, as I was saying, I have this sweet one, she is sooo nice. I see her whenever she comes into town. He said something else about the third one that I could not make out, because it got noisy in the lobby. I continued to listen, a few minutes later the phone rang, the girl at the desk answered. This call is for you, she told him. Who is it, he asked. I don’t know, and I did not ask, but it’s not the one that just called, she responded. Let me take it right here he said. I heard him speaking with whoever was on the phone. He started, Hello…hey beautiful, how are you? Let me call you right back. I got to do something. I’ll call you right back. He hung up with her. A few minutes passed by. I don’t know where he went, but then I heard him again, the switchboard phone rang again. The girl at the front desk answered the phone and informed him that it was for him. Is it a girl, he asked Yes, she informed him. Transfer