Coming out of the Closet Without Coming Apart at the Seams

By Gail Dickert

Coming out of the Closet without Coming Apart at the Seams is a
witty yet stirring testimony of one lesbians struggles in and out of the closet.

As a teenager, Gail peeked out of
her closest from time to time. But, her fear of being ridiculed and misunderstood
kept her from taking any chances. During Bible
College, the closet became her
home. After years of warped counseling in ex-gay ministries, she grew tired of
trying to change.

So, eventually, she took a risk.

She risked losing her family, her
friends and her faith.

She risked it all . . . for the
chance to be herself.

Coming out of the Closet … is more than a memoir. It is an ideal
read for anyone seeking to reconcile homosexuality and faith. Combining her Bible
College background with unique
story-telling abilities, Gail created a practical and powerful defense against
religious and political agendas.

Gails story is definitely out of
the ordinary.

Shes come completely out of her
shell.

Some will think shes out of her
mind

Others will think shes out of
this world.

But, no matter what, Gail has
successfully come out of the closet without coming apart at the seams.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Mar 2, 2004
• ISBN: 9781477273562

Gail Dickert

Gail Dickert is an indie author, blogger and children/youth advocate who has published two previous auto-biographical works related to grief, personal growth, spirituality, and self-acceptance. "Enlightened-ish" and "Coming Out of the Closet without Coming Apart at the Seams"; are available for purchase. For Gail So Loved the World is her blog, where she discusses spirituality, politics and social and emotional intelligence from a global perspective. Currently, Gail resides in the Washington DC area and serves her local community as the Executive Director of a nature-based early learning center. Recovery in Real Time is the first project under Publishing for a Change, LLC, of which she serves as Founder. Follow her work at www.homospirituality.com and www.publishingforachange.com

Book preview

© 2004 by Gail Dickert. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrievalsystem, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

ISBN: 1-4140-5964-7 (Paperback)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-7356-2 (ebook)

1stBooks-rev. 02/20/04

Contents

Acknowledgements

Welcome to my Casino

Introduction to Part 1

Part One: Coming Out of the Closet

1      Knock! Knock!

2      Pieces of a Muzzle

3      My First Time

4      A Room with a View

5      A Time to Yell

6      The Way to a Lesbian’s Heart is through her Stomach?

7      Got Love?

8      A Gag Gift from Me to You

9      A Schmuck and a Buck

Introduction to Part 2

Part Two:

10      Let My People Go

11      Last Call

12      From Confidants to Accusers

13      Coming Apart

14      A Mother’s Love

15      Good Samaritans

16      The Red Phone to God and other Heinous Crimes

17      House of Cards

18      Coming Together: My Final Gamble

A Letter to the Readers

Appendix A       The Odds are 6-3

Appendix B      Poetry

About the Author

Acknowledgements

It’s impossible for me to recognize all of the forces, seen and unseen, that have influenced me to write this book. But I will do my best to mention the names I would most regret forgetting!

First, I want to thank my sisters, Gwen and Jill, for just being my sisters. There’s always something to disagree about in this family, but when it comes down to it, I think we all agree that we would rather work through it together than ever be divided!

Thank you, to my best friend Jessica, for never giving me one single reason not to come out and be myself. I appreciate that more than I can explain.

Thank you, Monica, for being willing to take the journey with me, regardless of your evolving beliefs. You have great courage woman!

To those who have encouraged me to write: Mrs. B., M.A. and Mr. Henderson. Since I was achubby, fuzzy-haired, 6th grader with a smile as big as the sun, I knew I wanted to write … but without these wonderful teachers along the way, I would never have honed my skills or followed my passion. Mr. Henderson, you almost broke me of this writing thing, but I think it’s time to get out the 100% pen! Did I earn an A yet?

To the churches where I have served: Central Christian Church in Las Vegas: Mary, I love you and appreciate your example during that extremely difficult season of my life and ministry! The Rayner Family, thank you for setting the purest example of marriage and commitment. Love and Faith Fellowship Church: The youth, you have my heart and my prayers! Shirley, Debbie, Diane, Wayne, and countless others, I hope you understand that God is still very much the center of my life, just as he is for you. Broad Street Presbyterian Church: I have never felt so welcomed and so whole. You think I have energy because I’m crazy or loaded up on caffeine, but really, it’s because I am the happiest I have ever beenin my whole life! I pray I can be as much of a blessing to you as you have already been to me!

To David: I acknowledge that I was wrong about change and I’m sorry for what I taught you. But I was not wrong about your giftedness. Listen to your heart when it beats to be closer to God.

To Dr. Weatherly, you gave me permission to think, speak, and wonder freely and that, sir, is priceless!

To my editors, Kelly Carr and Cassie Bargo: Thank you for the numerous lessons in clarity and humility!

Finally, to the many others who have done the wonderfully simple: encouraged me to press on. Kathy and Scott and your beautiful angels, random strangers who have wanted to read my story, and others who have gone before me and paved my path with their courage! (Gosh, I am even thankful for Ellen DeGeneres and I haven’t even met her, although I hope she is reading this right now and preparing to contact me and have me on her show!) There are famouspeople and people whose names will never be recorded in history, who have shaped me into a determined, faithful and confident person … I cannot express my gratitude adequately.

So I will just conclude with this: It is true that no woman is an island … When I stop and think about it, I may have been lonely, but I have never ever been alone!

Dedicated to Cassie… Your love is why Icame out.

And to God… Your love is why I don’t come apart!

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Welcome to my Casino

If someone would have told me a year ago that I would publish a book about coming out, self-reflection and how I learned to get out of bed with confidence, I’m pretty sure I would have kicked her ass!

I just never guessed that this book was somewhere inside of me. I am a risk-taker, but this is, by far, the greatest risk of my life.

It reminds me of another risk I took when I was twenty-years-old.

It was spring of ‘98 and I was irritated with everything in my life.

College was becoming mundane.

Dating was very mundane.

xiii

And … my faith was extremely mundane.

So, I took a risk and signed up for an internship at a mega-church in Las Vegas. They hired me after two weeks of phone interviews. In less than three months, I was in Las Vegas, going through a grueling process known as culture shock!

For one year I dedicated myself to working overtime and absorbing everything I could about youth ministry. From the dry desert in Sin City, my faith was refreshed.

It wasn’t an easy process. In the beginning, I was terrified of Las Vegas. I heard so many bad things about the city of prostitution, drunkenness and gambling. I didn’t know what to expect, especially of the church.

But, I went with a mission, leaving behind a conservative bubble in Ohio and entering a free and wild culture in Nevada. Indeed I was shocked by what I found in Las Vegas. However, something beautiful transpired in my soul between the time I boarded aplane for Las Vegas and the time I boarded a plane back to Cincinnati, a year later.

Because of the people I met and the chances I took, I was forever changed from a person of legalism to a person of mercy. During that year, I learned to love others with a love that is greater than any biblical interpretations or preconceived notions!

That risk, at twenty-years-old, is nothing compared to the risk you will read about here.

It is the greater risk to publish my journey out of the closet.

I have come out …

As a lesbian.

And as a Christian!

Welcome to my very own casino!

As I learned in Vegas, life is made up of risks.

Most risks are foreseen.

But the best risks are uncalculated.

It was exhilarating to risk it all to go to Las Vegas and be away from my home, my friends, my college and everything familiar in life.

And even though I came back as a different person, in many ways, I was still just Gail. Few people felt alienated from the new and improved version of me.

After this risk, things are not going to be thesame.

I can’t expect the same, warm homecoming.

This book insists that things will change, people have changed, hearts should change and some minds cannot be changed.

I am not sacrificing merely a year of my life.

My entire existence is on the table.

I never guessed that God would lead me in this direction, but here I am …

And here you are.

I am delightfully nervous about the possible outcomes of publishing my story. I have spent hours each week for the last nine months, working through this project. I have driven my friends crazy with talk of its completion. I have lost sleep and gained weightthrough each phase of writing. I have laughed hard and cried easily.

I don’t believe it has been a gross waste of mytime.

It is worth every risk!

I’m taking the risk because in my heart, I know my experience and perspective will reach a variety of readers, with a variety of reactions. I can’t speculate exactly what you will think or feel as you work through each chapter. I have not held anything back. You will see for yourself what I have gone through to rebuild my self-worth, my faith in God, and my trust in others. There is a lot of laughter and there are a lot of tears to be shared. There’s also a lot of anger! As a reader, you take the risk of hearing the truth. You take the risk of being infected with righteous indignation toward my former friends! When they served me discrimination on a silver platter, I served them a search warrant, looking for their sincerity! I can’t derail everyone from their runaway trains of legalism, but as you will see, I’m a sucker for hope! You willhear it all and though there will be a final page, you will be unsettled with the ending.

Read on, dear friends.

It is worth the risk.

I have been surprised by my own words. In bringing out the hidden and nearly forgotten details of my coming out story, I cleansed my soul. For years, I’ve searched for healing in checkbooks, churches, refrigerators and relationships. I never could have guessed I would find everything I need right here within my own babbling words.

So, welcome to my casino!

You are invited to witness my wager, my latest high-risk behavior. All the chips are in place and I promise that the dealer won’t cheat you out of any important details.

I’ve been told that I walk a fine line between being faithful and being foolish but no one knew I would go this far! Am I really going to let my story be forever captured in print?

What if I change my mind after I let the dice go? What if I get played like a Joker but the last laugh is at my expense? What if …

What if …?

I don’t have time for those kinds of questions! It’s time to be the gambler I am destined to be! Come with me and discover the gains and losses of my life as Gail Dickert: The Christian, lesbian, girlfriend, daughter, sister, friend, youth minister and writer. I have shaken the dice and I hope someone will give them a lucky blow because here we go! Rub your rabbit’s foot or grab your four-leaf clover.

I’m feeling pretty lucky!

It’s all out there!

All of me.

Agree or disagree.

Like it, love it or hate it, it’s me. Get it, deny it or question it…

It will still be all of me … for everyone to see.

Let the gambling begin!

Introduction to Part 1

The set-up of the book is pretty simple. The journey is divided into two parts based on the title. The first part is about my first steps out of the closet. I formed and reformed my practice of the most basic aspects of life. I relearned how to love, how to be healthy and how to be aware of myself and aware of my surroundings. As a child learns to walk, I too wobbled around my living room, cushioned for the fall with a soft diaper and an iron will!

Accordingly, the second part of the journey is about the things that have torn at the seams of my mental, emotional and spiritual togetherness after coming out. In the second part I struggle to make sense of people and of God! The process reminds me of adolescence. It’s as traumatic as the first day of menstruation! It’s as if I am just learning to think for myself and truly understand my raging autonomy.

Throughout the entire story, there is alliteration to house-cleaning and home-building as I reshape my living space outside of the small, cramped closet. Also, for your enjoyment, I scattered my very own 12 Step Program between chapters. As you will come to expect, these steps are quick reference hints and quirks based on what I have experienced myself and learned from other good homos and heteros out there. I think the twelve steps are like commercial breaks, except I’m not really trying to sell you anything! (Technically, I am trying to sell my book and my ideas. That is obvious! But, trust me. There are not subliminal advertisements in these pages. You could play me backwards but I would still be gay.)

I have turned back the clock at least ten years to recapture my experience. The whole process