Coming out Together: The Journey of a Gay Minister’S Wife Through Love, Divorce, and Remarriage

By Martha Edens Clark

This is the story of a young woman (the author) who knew next to nothing about homosexuality, and a young minister (Maurice) who suppressed his homosexuality for 55 years. It is about their friendship, love, marriage, and eventual revelation of his homosexuality. It is told in chapters which answer questions that the author has been asked as she began to tell others about her life, marriage, divorce and re-marriage. The book is titled "Coming Out Together" because that is exactly what they did after Maurice revealed his homosexuality.They planned together how they would tell others and how they would prepare for their future lives. They even talked about how they would write this book together, but life intervened, and he finally said "You will have to write it." He died in 2009. So the author has written it, with the help of Maurice's partner Elliott, and Martha's second husband.Shields.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Nov 28, 2011
• ISBN: 9781467874359

Martha Edens Clark

The author is a journalism major who ofen said she would write a great novel...and, instead, has writen about her first marriage and her experiences in learning to know about and live with someone who was born homosexual and who was determined to live a "nomal life" and tell no one of his suppressed homosexuality. She has found her journalism major helpful as she has been the director or employee of health agencies at state, national and international levels. As General Director of Church Women United, she had many opportunities to travel and learn to know and work with women from a cross the United States and different countries. Martha has developed a growing interest in spiritual formation and has become a spiritual director and has led the Discipleship Team in her local church. Since marrying Shields in 1999, they have worked together in the ministries and mission of their church. Because of her experiences, she has become vitally interested in encouraging others to know about, accept, and relate to persons who are homosexual.

Book preview

Contents

Dedication

Author’s Notes

Acknowledgements

Prelude—This Is Our Story

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Postlude

Appendix 1

Appendix 2

Appendix 3

Appendix 4

Appendix 5

Judge For Yourselves

Recommended Sources of Help

What about you?

Dedication

This book is for

• Husbands and wives whose spouse has come out, is considering coming out, or ought to come out.

• Wives and husbands who know something is wrong with their marriage and suspect that their spouse is gay.

• Everyone who wants to understand and relate to homosexual men and women.

• Everyone who wants to make a difference in the rules and laws that restrict homosexual people and in the way they are perceived.

Author’s Notes

To my readers,

If you are used to reading a story in which events happen in sequential order, be prepared for a different style here. I have listed some of the many questions I have been asked, in order to organize my thoughts. Each chapter answers a question or questions, so you will find that certain facts or events may appear in more than one chapter—although written about from different perspectives.

You may find further perspectives on some things by reading the Reflections by Maurice’s friends and family in the Appendices.

I have used the terms homosexual and gay intermittently, depending more on what came through my fingers as I typed than on any specific reason. The abbreviation LGBT is often used to designate lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, and trans-gendered people.

In most cases, I have used real names by permission.

Acknowledgements

To those who have helped this story come to life, my deepest appreciation

First, as always, God gave me the idea to write this book and has guided me throughout the process.

Shields, my second husband since 1999, my thanks for his love and patience in helping me think about my first marriage in order to write my story.

Maurice, my husband of 32 years, now deceased, with whom I discussed the possibility of this book. Thanks, Maurice, for all you taught me, and for all our life gave me—including the life-long friendship with Kathleen who became my matron of honor when I married Shields.

Elliott, Maurice’s partner of 25 years, for his considerable assistance and patience during the time it has taken to bring this book into existence. He provided its title. And thanks, Elliott, for being a wonderful longtime partner for my now-brother Maurice, especially during the last three months of his life.

To the leaders of the Two-Year Academy for Spiritual Formation, a ministry of the Upper Room

After only 12 years, my second-year project is finally completed!

To the early readers of this book:

Thanks for willingly giving your interest, time, and red ink toward improving my work—Shields Clark, Lloyd Edens, Dianne Ellis, Edie Harris, Kathleen Jones, Trudy Rankin, Angelo Spoto, Elliott Tucker, and Terry Voss.

My gifted and patient editor Harriet Blymiller and the artist Lois Ball, who provided the idea and draft for the book cover.

To my encouragers

Fellow members of two covenant groups: Barbara, Cathy, June, Robbi and Trudy; and Debbie, Jasmine, Lois, Marion, and Susan.

Marge Ellison Haas and Lee Clemens who provided places for uninterrupted writing, away from home.

The staff of AuthorHouse who help hundreds of writers become authors through their superb process of consultation, direction, and expertise in production and printing. I chose them because they have the reputation of being the best among self-publishers, because a friend successfully published her book with them, and because I was born in Bloomington, Indiana, where they are, and I thought The Book, as I came to call it, might as well be born there, too.

Prelude—This Is Our Story

Once upon a time a young woman (me, Martha) moved to a university town (now a city) to attend the University of Texas and chose to worship in a downtown church where she met a man (Maurice), who was the Director of Religious Education and whom she grew to love and marry.

Did she know he was gay? No. Not for a very long time.

Did he know he was gay? Yes, and suppressed it deep within his consciousness until he could no longer stand the pressure.

And then what happened?

This is our story—a story of love and respect, joy and anguish, repression and pain, normal days and dark days, meaningful employment from coast to coast, fun times, wonderful friends, exciting vacations. Eventually, The Revelation He Was Gay, followed by a mixture of emotions: relief, anxiety, tears, uncertainty, confusion; then decisions, new experiences, more tears; and finally divorce. And then the adoption of a way of seeing the new normal and new ways of relating.

Never, amazingly to everyone, was there anger. Grief, yes, but always love and concern for one another. Always the certainty—even in the midst of uncertainty—that God was with us and would guide us. We relied on Corinthians 1:13, Love never fails, (which almost became this book’s title). We decided to face this Major Change in our lives together—to plan together both how and when we would share This Information, how we would divide our resources, how we would deal with the many decisions to be made, and above all, how to be considerate of one another’s multiple feelings. We were, essentially, coming out together.

That’s why I’m calling our story—this book—Coming Out Together: The Journey of a Gay Minister’s Wife Through Love, Divorce, and Remarriage.

Perhaps someone who reads our story will begin to see that love is possible, and indeed, a must, when confronting homosexuality or other challenging situations in a family or community.

I write in honor of Maurice, who died June 15, 2009, at the age of 86.

Chapter 1

Did you know Maurice was gay when you married him?

This first question is usually asked in a voice of incredulity, like this: "Did you know Maurice was gay when you married him!?"

Of course not, and not for a long time after.

But before I fill in the specific details on the answer to that first question, let me back up a little, so you can get a sense of how I see the world. My life began as an only child on a small farm near Spencer, a small town in Indiana, near Bloomington, at the end of the Depression. We were an ordinary family with the concerns that most families had at that time: survival. My father had lost his investments in property in both Arizona and Florida, and concentrated his efforts on our farm, serving as an auctioneer, driving a school bus, but also maintaining his interests in politics.

My mother had been trained as a schoolteacher but was a stay-at-home mom in my early years. As I grew, I became her helper—gathering eggs and churning milk to make butter, the usual chores of women on a family farm at that time.

When I was finishing the third grade, Mother went to the University of Indiana to take classes she needed for teaching. She and I stayed with an aunt who lived near the university. While she went to classes, I played with the neighborhood children—one of whom was a very confident twelve-year-old girl. She proceeded to educate me in the matters of sexuality, including how babies came to be. At some point I decided to clarify a few things by talking with my mother. She promptly took me to a bookstore where we purchased a book—I think it was titled Being Born—that explained the birth processes of animals and humans in language appropriate for an eight-year-old.

During that period, as I began to understand about how boys and girls grew to be men and women, I never heard any talk of anyone being homosexual, lesbian, or gay. I did occasionally hear words like fag or queer—words that puzzled me then and anger me now.

I had a variety of childhood diseases, culminating with rheumatic fever and a form of tuberculin peritonitis that eventually necessitated selling our farm and moving to a warmer place. My family chose the Rio Grande Valley in South Texas because a fairly large community of Hoosiers (former Indiana residents) lived there. My mother and I moved in the early summer, so Mother could begin a teaching position in the fall, while my father remained behind in Indiana to finish his responsibilities. Weakened from preceding diseases, I promptly developed malaria, thus delaying my beginning school until November. I can still remember the teacher saying, You’ll never make it! And, I remember thinking, Oh, yes, I will! I did. That same determination has remained part of my personality and has helped me many times—with my marriage to Maurice and with other of life’s struggles. Only now I always add with God’s help!

My father eventually moved to the Rio Grande Valley to be with us. On his way south, curious about why he was feeling so poorly, he stopped at a well-known clinic, where he was diagnosed with tuberculosis. The disease was so advanced that he was advised not to go to a tuberculosis clinic. In fact, the clinic staff told him that he might as well be at home when he died. He came on to the Valley and died within