Internet Dating Just Bytes: A Survivor's Guide to Internet Dating and Relationships

By Mari Wisely and Terry Richman

This is a humorous approach for finding a good recipe. Learning how to write a great personal ad. It will show you what to put in your ad, and most importantly what to leave out. How to read personal ads to know what they are really saying and reading between the lines, for what they dont say.

Dating and relationships is like making a cake. You should start with a good recipe. A recipe that does not include any foiled Bundt cakes, fruitcakes, and no half-baked nut wonders. What we really need is a human Mixmaster, where you can gather up all of the ingredients you want and throw them in there to make the perfect mate, but then that would take all of the fun and surprise out of searching the Internet now wouldnt it?

Even with a good recipe things can still go awry:

Great growling grizzly! I had a date with Wild Man Mike from the Klondike. An extremely nice guy, but short of coming to the date with a weed eater for beard trimming I was not equipped to handle what I had unearthed. Mother Mary, he was wild and hairy. The only sparks that arose in this situation came from the undercarriage of my car when I hit a speed bump driving away at 85 miles an hour.

In this book, you will discover some of the pitfalls and the pratfalls of online romance. We have endeavored in creating this book to show you a little of both. Many of the things that we discuss are through observations and stories from people that have been there and done that. We truly hope that you enjoy reading our somewhat comic romp through the world of matchmaking in cyber-space as much as we enjoyed creating it.

On-line dating can be interesting and fun but all of the stars have to align perfectly for that to happen. Finding that perfect someone is not the norm its kind of like winning the lottery. You run the ball hopper and see what pops out. Maybe if youre lucky youll get a winner but more often than not youll get a loser.

This is both a man and a womans perspective about Internet Dating and relationships.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Sep 8, 2005
• ISBN: 9781468531459

Mari Wisely

Terry Richman lives in Tuscaraws County, Ohio and Mari Wisely lives near Seattle, Washington.  The authors met on the Internet, and while there was never any romance, they have been best of friends for over two years.  More incredibly, the authors have never met in person, but they have written this book together.  Stranger things can and have happened in this electronic world we call Internet Dating.

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© 2005 Terry Richman & Mari Wisely. All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 08/29/05

ISBN: 1-4208-2028-1 (sc)

ISBN: 9-7814-6853-145-9 (e-book)

Printed in the United States of America

Bloomington, Indiana

Contents

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

CHAPTER ONE

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER THREE

CHAPTER FOUR

CHAPTER FIVE

CHAPTER SIX

CHAPTER SEVEN

REFERENCES:

INTRODUCTION

In the last ten years as computers have become less expensive the majority of Americans own at least one, and possibly two or more computers. With more people owning personal computers we have been empowered by a wealth of information at our fingertips through web searches that we ordinarily would not have access to. With all those facts floating around out there in cyberspace, there are just as many hoaxes, urban legends and misinformation. What we have tried to do with this book is provide a basis for understanding Internet dating and how to be more informed, and most importantly, how to dispel some of the Tom Foolery.

Terry Richman and I met through the Internet although ironically we have never met each other in person. From our friendship, we have shared a great many thoughts, feelings and ideas, dilemmas and hardships. Our intercommunication inspired the idea for us to write a book together about Internet dating reflective of the things we encountered from personal experiences, or things we learned from others who were involved in this venue.

The first seven chapters of the book were written by Terry Richman from a man’s perspective on Internet dating and relationships, and the second half (the last seven chapters) were written by Mari Wisely from a woman’s perspective. This book is a bit different from a traditional book format where the chapters are numbered in succession, as our book is numbered comparatively by similar chapter numbers.

In formatting the book in this manner, there are two ways one can read it. It can be read in a traditional sense by reading from the first page to the last. It may also be read by comparing the differences in gender perspectives, comparing the first section with the second section by the same chapter numbers. The ideas presented in Chapter One in the first half are the same ideas discussed in Chapter One in the second half of the book. We believe in designing the book this way allowed more flexibility for our readers and would provide for a more logical comparison in understanding how men and women think and view things differently.

What we have tried to do is combine common sense, seriousness and a great deal of genuine silliness by presenting it in a logical manner to help anyone with a notion for wanting to participate in Internet dating to find a mate be more successful in their endeavors, and thus avoid the heartaches.

As with anything you choose to read in order for it to be a good book for you it will need to give you some kind of inspiration or insight, or just be entertaining. The Dutch Renaissance scholar and theologian, Desiderius Erasmus wrote, When I get a little money, I buy books. If there is any left over, I buy food.

Our goal was to combine all of this into one book, a book that you would enjoy more than a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. We truly hope that you have as much fun reading it as we did writing it, and find the information positive and productive to assist you in your Internet dating search. There really is someone for everyone. In fact, Erasmus also said, In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed Jack is king.

What we really want to know … Is the one-eyed Jack King of Bologna, or is he blind from licking the book binders glue? What does he mean by, ‘a little money?’ On the Internet he calls himself Jack S. That is pretty close. He’s been called that before. A poor blind pirate who is probably full of bologna, a pirate so dumb that he thinks a fair maiden is one that does not cheat at cards.

On the other hand, maybe, just maybe Jack is a woman! By the time you have finished reading this book, you will come to know Jack, even those who have never known Jack before. Be wary of Jack, you just never know when he or she is online trying to make you his or her next conquest!

Internet Dating Just Bytes

Terry Richman

CHAPTER ONE

What exactly is Internet dating?

After extensive research of at least thirty to forty-five minutes and many interviews that I thought I would conduct but never did, I have reached the conclusion that Internet dating from a man’s point of view is something akin to the mating ritual of animals, an example being the male deer more popularly known as a buck. The buck cruises the woods looking for a suitable mate until he finds one receptive to his rather blunt advances, which really aren’t that different from men.

When we start feeling a little rambunctious we can grunt and snort with the biggest buck that roams the woods and we don’t like to give up until all options have been tried.  Now a buck is known to chase many females or a doe until he manages to find one that will accept him as he is. There are many similarities to this behavior as there are in man.

At certain times, bucks really have an odor that is quite awful, which on occasion man is known to have also, and like the deer, we don’t seem to notice any odor on ourselves. We always hope that the female will overlook this little odiferous setback and try to see past their nose and give us want we want.

Another prime example is that the buck really doesn’t care about how old the doe is as long as she is at breeding age, and it seems the older the buck the younger he likes his does to be. Again this is typical male behavior.  I have seen many a buck pass up a perfectly good and receptive doe to get hooked up with a much younger one that will tease him until he runs himself to death after this sprightly young thing, while never reaching the goal he so desires. Apparently, the younger does want to be more of a tease and enjoy all of the attention being bestowed upon them then actually wanting to be with the older more experienced buck.

There is nothing sadder then to see an old buck walking around with his tongue lolling out feeling all sorry for himself because of all the time and energy he expended on his little doe but in the end he had nothing to show for it. Yes, Internet dating is a lot like stepping into the wilderness and looking for that elusive perfect doe, but just like the wilderness, you never know what’s going to jump out and try to grab you.

Most people enter the world of Internet dating very gingerly because they are not sure what to expect, but it’s not long before caution is thrown to the wind and they know everything about us right down to what kind of undershorts we prefer! We tell them all about cousin Bobbie’s affair with Aunt Betty and how Grandad was caught in a compromising position with the neighbor’s pet goat.

After all, what can possibly happen, you have found what is obviously your true love and you feel very safe telling her all the family secrets, and if things don’t really go that well you never gave her an address, so what can she do. Although, you did tell her where your brother lives and that’s only up the street from where you are, and you did give her your phone number so you could spend all of those hours chatting back and forth and anyone with common sense and a computer can find your address with the phone number in her sweaty little palms!

Hmmm, what was that about just being too much information? Sure, you told the last girl you met on the net to get lost. Who cares if her brother is a pro-tackle for the Chicago Bears and what if you did say that she did unnatural acts with him and your cousin, she’ll never come this far looking for you, right? This may be a good time to delete all of the lovey-dovey things that you said to each other and clean house.

You’ve been thinking about changing your phone number anyway to try and get away from the telemarketers and with interest rates being what they are it might be a good time to look for that house way out in the country and I do mean way out. Nothing like the country life you always say, and now would be a good time to find out. Another thing that you’ve never cared for is your last name. This would be a good time to change that too. You might as well do everything all at once; just start fresh all the way around. Hidin Indabush would be an appropriate new name.  So, you wanted to know what Internet dating is, huh.

Well here, you are from a man’s point of view. Now that we have piqued your interest we are going to tell you how to get started.

CHAPTER TWO

Why Internet dating?

There are lots of reasons to give Internet dating a try, some good and some bad. Maybe you are just way too shy to walk up and start a conversation with the opposite sex or maybe you feel that just because when you were born the nurse screamed and passed out that you really aren’t very good looking.

Some people work all of the time and they steal a few minutes to go online and try to save a lot of time hanging around bars and such trying to find someone that is worth at least giving a shot. This can work, but in the end, you really don’t save much time, however you do save a lot of mileage.

One of the worst reasons is that you just go online to build yourself up in someone’s eyes until they fall madly in love when in reality you really never had any intention of meeting this person. I believe that happens more then people realize. Some men and women just love to have their ego stroked and they figure that the Internet is a good anonymous way to go about it. A good rule of thumb might be that if they are more then a two-hour drive away then you need to be very careful. Anyone can put anything they want into a profile and that includes a non-existent address and a fictitious name. You are better off corresponding with someone in an area that you are at least a little familiar with so you can double check to see if they really are there by talking about landmarks that you know exist.

Probably the main reason people try the Internet is the volume of people they can peruse while never leaving the comfort of their home. There are approximately three hundred gazillion pictures floating around in cyberspace and you can have access to most of them. Remember one thing though, a picture does say a thousand words but that is no where near enough to tell you that you may want to spend the rest of your life with that person. Who said you have to be ugly to be an axe murderer or a pervert?

If you do manage to find someone online that really piques your interest and you want to arrange a meeting try the double dating thing to be on the safe side. Also, if you are female make sure that the guy comes to your area and not you to his. You will feel much safer on your own turf. Have yourself a wine and cheese party. Those are really popular. The girls can sit around and whine and the guys can cut the cheese! So, you can ask yourself Why Internet Dating but you can also ask yourself, Why Not.

CHAPTER THREE

Getting started in Internet dating is as simple as you want to make it. If you have a computer, it makes it a lot easier!  As you may have noticed almost anytime you go to your e-mail site or open your web browser you are deluged with all kinds of dating sights vying for your attention and trying to entice you to join their sight because it is obviously the best one around.

One question you have to ask yourself though is, Do I really want to try this Internet dating stuff? Well sure you do, at least that’s what all of these providers are counting on and it makes no difference to them whether you are single, gay, or have horns and a tail.

Oh sure, they show you these pictures of all of the beautiful women they have on their site but you have to remember these people are fishing and they know that if you don’t have the right bait you ain’t gonna catch nothing. I mean, would you be as apt to sign up for a service that shows you a picture of a three hundred pound carp as quick as you’d sign up for one showing you a picture of a world class bass? It don’t take no rocket scientist to figure out the answer to that question.

Picking out one to sign up for is a lot like picking out a new truck. You have to look at the price and then go through all of the options. In addition, like a new truck the more options the higher the price. You can get your basic package that does no more then let some strange woman know that your are on the prowl, and that you are between the age of eighteen and eighty.

Of course the nice thing about a site like that is that the women have to do the same thing. Those are great sites if you want the whole world to know that you enjoy watching Heidi instead of football and still can’t figure out what all of the fuss was about. Now we get to the Cadillac of sites and those are the ones that want you to post a picture of you in all your glory. Now how could you possibly go wrong?

You know you are the most handsome man on the planet and you figure that the sooner you get your picture out there the sooner you will get lucky. It’s no wonder that people really love this kind of site because how could you possibly go wrong. So we men figure what the heck, let’s go for the whole ball of wax and jump right in to the Cadillac of sites, who knows we may like it so well that we’ll sign up for two or three of them.

When a man fills out his own profile, he has three very big decisions to make.  These are whether to lie, tell the truth or just mix in a little of both.

Most men invariably go with the latter but go a little heavy on the lying side. As you probably already know most men do not view stretching the truth as lying, it’s more like an adjustment of convenience.

We really don’t want to make ourselves appear perfect because we know that women like to tell their friends that there new fellow is a work in progress. We know that even if we were perfect you would always find something wrong so we readily admit to some small imperfections and any woman can take the smallest imperfection and make it into a major heart-stopping event. We are what we are, and if you think that you can change us, you need to click those ruby red slippers and go back to Oz.

I could go into great detail and make the profile that would be every woman’s dream, but why beat a dead horse; it’s still not going to fly. I am going to show you the exact same profile as before but this time the way a man would really like to fill it out and not the way you want to see it.  What takes a woman hours of sweating bullets to get everything just so, a man could do in a few minutes while he was talking to his girlfriend on the phone.

For instance, our personality traits are whatever fits the occasion. We are readily adaptable and can go from being loud and obnoxious to being suave and sophisticated in a moment’s notice. It’s not something that we advertise and it only happens when it will benefit us; so don’t expect to see it very often.

As I was doing some more research trying to get a feel for what really goes on with these sites I came across one that nearly blew me away. I think it was called ‘The First Site For Old Farts,’ or ‘Geezers Need It Too,’ anyhow it was something like that. Little did I know that I had stumbled across the retired person’s version of the Dating Game. Who would have thought that senior citizens would have had their own personal site for tracking down sex with wrinkles?

Maybe they should start up another site and call it, Baby Boomers Gone Bad, or maybe, Sex, Drugs and Geritol. This site looked a lot like the other sites as far as lay out goes but when you open that puppy up it was a whole new world.

There were things in there that were not meant to be seen by young eyes. There were more wrinkles in there than on all of the noses in the Baptist church down the road after Uncle Clem broke wind in there on a Sunday morning when he mistakenly drank liquid laxative the night before thinking it would cure a hang over. When that old man passed gas, he could empty a church quicker then if the devil himself came knocking on the door.

The profiles in there were quite different from what I had been used to reading. There was even a questionnaire to fill out. There were questions like:

· Do you still have your own teeth or someone else’s?

· Do you have any hair left?

· Do you remember your name?

· Are you sure that you’re not still married?

· Do you remember what having sex is?

· Do you take your teeth out during foreplay?

· Are you sure you’re not looking for the DMV?

You must be fifty-five or older to enter one of these sites and if you do try to enter without being the required age the Geezer Patrol will be hot on your heels with their motorized scooters. Don’t let their small size fool you, those little three wheelers have some get up and go.

My cousin Caleb broke his own leg when he lost his license just so he could get the welfare to buy him one of those plastic and metal beauties. It seems that you don’t need a driver’s license to operate one of them so he hitched a little-bitty trailer to the back of his so he could take his keg with him where ever he went.

The whole family thought old Caleb was a genius until his brother Moonshine lost his license too. Moonshine asked Caleb if he could get him one of those scooters and he said that he sure could. Moonshine asked,  What can I do to get me one of them there scooters?

Easy, you just gotta break a leg.  Caleb said.

Well poor old Moonshine will never be mistaken for someone with a lick of sense, so the very next day he showed up at Caleb’s house with his baseball bat. Caleb was sitting out on the front porch swing just enjoying the view of his scooter when Moonshine walked up on the porch, hauled off, and whacked old Caleb in his good leg, breaking it in three places. 

Caleb fell to the floor rolled around and screamed at Moonshine, Now, what did you go and do that for?

With a big old grin Moonshine said, So I could get me one of those new scooters.

Moonshine figured that one busted leg = one scooter, and two busted legs = two scooters. Since Caleb already had one broken leg, he wouldn’t mind having another.  It wouldn’t make much sense for both of them to have busted legs, now would it.

The last words that Moonshine uttered before Caleb counter whacked him with the bat was, Can I get mine in fire engine red?

I guess overall, these senior sites do have their place. After all, they have the same rights as the younger generations do. It’s kind of hard for many of the older generation to go bar hopping to look for dates when they can’t even make it to the bathroom on time. I would imagine that the worst problem they have with finding someone online is remembering who it was that they sent that love letter to last night. Come to think of it, with his bad eyesight he hoped it was a woman he had sent it to but then he figured at his age he might as well take what he can get.

All of the computer dating sites in the world won’t amount to a hill of beans for seniors if they don’t know how to operate a computer, and it has been my observation that the majority of them have no clue on how to even turn one on, let alone use it to find a date. Most of them still believe that the only place you can find a keyboard is on a piano, so maybe there should be classes offered for these wannabe heavy breathers. You would have to be sure and hook them up with slow speed Internet, at least until they figured out which one was the monitor and they stopped trying to shove Viagra into their hard drive.

Can’t you just picture grandpa sitting there at his computer when he pulls up a picture of a woman who he thinks is really hot and then gets all bent out of shape when he starts talking to the monitor and she doesn’t answer him? So you see we really do need to create classes just for them. We could call it everything that you need to know about surfing the web for an older friend, but then they would probably forget tomorrow.

Signing up for a personals site is relatively easy. All you have to do is have your credit card handy and hand over the number to the service. From then on, they will take care of everything. When they have that all-important number in their hands, doors open as if by magic and you can access everyone they have under their control, I mean in their site.

You can pay them every month, or if you think that you may not rate too high on the women-really-want-me scale you can sign up for a whole year. For them to even offer this option shows that they really don’t have much confidence in our ability to find what we are looking for, or they think that maybe no one on their site really wants us no matter how good looking we are.

The really great thing though is that once you get the paying process started you never have to