Conflict Resolution for Christian Couples

By Paul R. Shaffer

When it comes to anger, there are natural dilemmas that exist when dealing with how you do or don’t express it. Many people who have issues with anger do so because they feel, or the partner feels, that it’s not okay to be angry. And because there is no allowed outlet provided for their upset, things build to an extreme point much more quickly than if there had been permission to experience and display negative emotions (frustration, disappointment, etc.).

The Bible states that “In your anger do not sin,” (Ephesians 4:26a) and, along these lines, one of the central concepts of conflict resolution is that it’s okay to feel and express your upset as long as you do it appropriately - ideally, in a way that creates understanding, not does further damage.

One of the primary purposes of this book is to not only show better ways to express potential upset, but how to maintain a healthy relationship where, if you follow the guidelines, discussions are unlikely to ever turn into fights.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jun 18, 2007
• ISBN: 9781438999470

Paul R. Shaffer

Paul R. Shaffer contributed to nature guides from Golden Guides and St. Martin's Press.

Book preview

© 2007 Paul R. Shaffer. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 03/16/2022

ISBN: 978-1-4259-6631-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-4706-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4389-9947-0 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2006909447

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version*, NIV*. Copyright @ 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

Table of Contents

Foreword

Part I: A Spiritual Foundation

Chapter 1: Christianity 101

Chapter 2: Law vs. Relationship

Chapter 3: Spiritual Warfare

Part II: Tools for Resolution

Chapter 4: Relationship 101

Chapter 5: The Conflict Model (Part 1) – Avoiding Reactivity

Chapter 6: The Conflict Model (Part 2) – When an Issue Exists

Chapter 7: Reflecting on & Identifying the Issue

Chapter 8: Validating the Issue

Chapter 9: Explaining the Issue

Chapter 10: Resolving the Issue

Part III: Strategies for Change

Chapter 11: Making & Maintaining Changes

Chapter 12: Healthy Routines

Afterword: Balance

After the Afterword

Appendix A: The Tools

Appendix B: The Exercises

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to my father and mother, Paul and Dee Shaffer. They were my early models of Christianity in practice.

So far as I could tell, every day of my father’s adult life started with reading the Bible. His first comment to just about any request for advice would predictably be, Who’s your source? because if God is truly your source, then you should have nothing to fear. At his funeral, several people credited their coming to Christianity because of him. While he was far from perfect, his desire to live a life pleasing to God was constant.

My mother always tried to be the peacemaker. She, more than anyone, got it into my head from an early age that, with God’s blessing, you can accomplish incredible things with your life if you first just believe that you can.

While my life is not a mirror of theirs, both of my parents were crucial in getting across to me the importance of living a life of significance.

Acknowledgements

I’m grateful to God for the unfathomable gift that just being able to experience life has been; grateful for where and when I was born and raised in this planet’s history (don’t know how well I would have survived in any earlier period); grateful for the luxury of being able to work in a career which focuses on quality of life; grateful for being given enough time to watch my daughter grow up and start a life of her own; and grateful for the relationships He has used to help shape me and learn from along the way. This book exists because of Him.

Foreword

Theology and Psychology

Conflict Resolution for Christian Couples was first published in 2007, making this the 15th anniversary revised and updated edition.

While I work with both secular and Christian couples in my practice, there are some conversations I can have more easily with Christians because of the shared belief system. But, if you asked me, Is it easier working with clients who endorse the same faith as you? the answer is more of an, It depends. Just because someone carries the label of Christian does not ensure that the same values or lifestyle exist. And, often, working with some Christians, if there is too much rigidity in their thinking, the work is harder, not easier, because you have to justify what you’re doing every step of the way.

While some still consider theology (the study of God, and man’s relationship with God) and psychology (the study of the human mind and behavior) to be strange bedfellows, that isn’t always the case. Some of this fear may stem from Biblical references warning Christians to not rely on man’s wisdom (Proverbs 3:5 and Colossians 2:8, for example). Yet, if this is adhered to strictly, the only safe book to read is the Bible, which eliminates many other excellent references that can effectively round out one’s faith. I think that one of the best rules for discernment is what applies to most situations in life, Be careful of the extremes - both extreme psychology and extreme theology.

If your faith is a mature one, then you should already have a working knowledge of what the Bible says and reading from other sources should not easily corrupt your belief system. With spiritual maturity, you are able to use discernment in examining other sources of information, knowing, because of your familiarity with Scripture, what lines up with it, and what does not. As Paul himself said, "I believe everything that is in accordance with the Law and that is written in the Prophets…" (Acts 24: 14b)

For the person new to the faith, or with an undeveloped faith, there is reason to be much more cautious since knowledge of what is Biblical and what is not can be lacking.

Many forms of psychology, while secular, still contained truths that made them quite successful in seeing positive change in clients. During the last 40 years, Christian pastors, counselors and psychologists (such as Minirth & Meier, Cloud & Townsend, LaHaye, Clinton and others) took those approaches, integrated them with Christian terminology, and then applied them to Christian populations with much success.

Psychology, used with discretion, often acts as a necessary supplement for the Christian lifestyle, providing necessary strategies and methods for living it. For example, the Bible has many warnings about not letting anger rule you, but much of anger management is a skill, not something you know how to do just because you know you’re supposed to do it. While the Bible gives us examples and models, we often still need actual methods laid out for us in order to duplicate the desired behavior – which is something that counseling techniques can provide.

I hope that you’re able to approach the concepts and strategies in this book with an open mind and either an eagerness to learn, or, at the least, have what you already know affirmed. As with any book, take what is helpful, and leave the rest behind.

Part I

A Spiritual Foundation

Chapter 1

Christianity 101

"The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought

to their ways..." (Proverbs 14: 8a)

When I do couple’s work, my job, initially, is to get a sense of what tools the couple already has and start introducing them to better ones than what they’ve been using. So, most of what I do at the beginning is educational. I have to teach the couple a slightly different language than what they currently use, and introduce some relational concepts that will help them better understand what’s going on with them.

From there, once the language and tools are in place, the focus turns to applying what the couple has learned to their particular situation - using those new tools to move through their issues. Sometimes, just having learned new relational concepts will help resolve some of their issues because the actual issue behind the presenting issues was a lack of relational education.

So, too, with this book, rather than just jumping into the resolution tools (Part II), I can’t afford to assume that we’re all on the same page in terms of both the core concepts behind being a Christian, and what the relational tools of the Christian look like before you add any psychology into the mix. So, with these first few chapters I’m going to cover some of the Christian basics that you may or may not already be familiar with. From there, we can move into the specific dynamics of couples’ conflict and how to keep it from ever becoming a fight.

◆ ◆ ◆

Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, whether you’re a Christian or not. Yet many people enter into relationships with the expectations that, if it’s a good relationship, there should be no conflict. So, when conflict does occur, people often end up incorrectly concluding that the relationship was a mistake.

People will deny, avoid, repress or ignore conflict in hopes that it will go away. But a healthy relationship is often determined by how smoothly conflict can be worked through, rather than ignored. It is a skill that, even if not modeled by your caregivers when you were growing up, is learnable. It all comes down to:

• Having a good foundation from which to work

• Having a good selection of tools to handle whatever problems come along

• Knowing which tools to use and when

• Following through in using them consistently

When I use the word foundation I’m referring to the attitudes, expectations, understandings and beliefs that you bring to the relationship - not just those pertaining to romantic relationships, or the roles of husband and wife, but also how well you understand yourself.

• If your attitude about a relationship is based solely on the amount of energy your partner is expending for you...

• If you’re entering a relationship expecting that God’s going to do all of the work to make necessary change occur...

• If your understanding of relationships is limited because you grew up in a family that didn’t model healthy conflict…

• If your belief about relationships is that it’s all about unconditional love, and accountability is just another form of judgment...

…there are going to be problems.

The foundation is the core of the relationship. If the core is either unhealthy or based on faulty information, then everything else that happens within that relationship will be perceived through that distorted filter. Yes, even if you have a healthy foundation, there will still be problems, but the healthier the foundation, the more easily those problems can be resolved, and the less work there is overall.

Tools of the Trade

The more grounded our Christian foundation (its core values guiding how we live each day), the more we stay in touch with the Biblical guidelines for our behavior in our relationships. So, if our behavior has deteriorated, it’s typically because we have started to stray from remembering what it means to be Christ-like.

For the Christian couple, God is not an outside entity, someone that is kept separate from the relationship, but rather someone that is brought into its center, helping it to stay on course. Because both partners are striving to live a Christian life together, that common vision keeps the relationship focused and mutually accountable using the values of their shared faith.

◆ ◆ ◆

Everyone, at some point or another, if they are to develop a mature faith, has to go through a time of searching and questioning what they believe versus what others would have them believe, arriving at what is actually their own faith, not a borrowed one.

This is not an overnight process but involves time, trials, testing and experience. If we live our lives so cautiously that we never put ourselves in a position where we have to depend on God for anything, we fail to allow ourselves the opportunity to grow in faith.

As there are tools in the mental health field for dealing with conflict, there are also spiritual tools we have in our possession as Christians that can assist us both in our personal and relational growth. The four primary tools for every mature Christian consist of:

• Biblical knowledge

• Prayer

• Fellowship

• Ministry

Biblical Knowledge

"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." (Psalm 119: 11)

I would add to the end of this verse, "...that I might not sin against you, or my partner." When it comes to the different struggles that occur in a long-term relationship, it’s surprising how many never think to turn to their Bible for direction and advice.

If you were to try to develop a deep friendship with someone, how would you go about it? You’d have to spend time with them. You’d need to come to understand how they act, think and feel. Through experience in being around them, you’d come to see how their views actually play out in the everyday world. Crisis reveals character, so you’d also need to see what they were like in hard times as well as good. A deep relationship requires intention and commitment, and the same is true of a relationship with God.

One of the most immediate tools necessary for the Christian walk is the Bible. For it to be effective, we need to spend time reading, learning and applying what it has to say. While many of us choose to substitute reading by going to church, if you want a personal relationship with God, you need to be reading those words yourself. It would be like being married to somebody who has all of these profound things to bring to a relationship but you keep going to your next door neighbor to find out more about your partner’s special qualities. I would think that, if it were your partner, you’d automatically be eager to go to the source to experience that relationship directly.

True, you probably don’t have a seminary degree and so it helps to have someone who can put things in context for you (such as a pastor), but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still your relationship with God, and nobody can have that relationship for you.

Biblical knowledge provides for four things: 1) understanding God’s character, 2) guidelines for our behavior, 3) emotional support for when we’re experiencing trials, and 4) promises which grant us some degree of control over our life circumstances.

Understanding the Rules

Often, we respond to the do’s and don’ts of the Bible as we did to the rules of our parents: with compliance, passive-resistance, opposition or outright rebellion. A child is more likely to be compliant with rules if they already have a functional relationship with the parent. If the child knows that the rules exist because the parent is truly concerned for their safety and development (that they care), those lines are more likely to be respected - even if grudgingly so. But if the rules, when questioned, are reinforced by the parent with only the rationale, Because I said so, then there is no relational aspect being presented other than the parent as the authority. It becomes a missed opportunity to create a better understanding of why the rules exist, and more likely for the relationship, at some point, to turn into a control struggle.

Most Christians are familiar with the Ten Commandments of the Old Testament. The Old Testament mentality was that, if we violate a commandment, we are at risk of God’s wrath and judgment. Yet, in the New Testament, Jesus not only narrowed the focus to just six Commandments:

If you want to enter into life, keep the commandments.

Which ones? he (the rich man) inqured.

Jesus replied, ’You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ (Matthew 19: 17b-19)

He also revealed the underlying reason for those rules (if you want to enter into life). So, the commandments, as presented here, weren’t so much about punishment but as guidelines for living a healthy life. That’s an important distinction and a valuable insight into God as our heavenly Father. In the same way that a parent tries to warn his children that certain actions are going to harm them, God put the commandments in place as warning markers for His children - not for control and compliance, but as a concern for their wellbeing.

I emphasize this because the more we understand the reasons for the Biblical commandments existing in the first place, not as threats but as necessary guides, the more likely we are to truly embrace them.

◆ ◆ ◆

Reading the Bible, in itself, is a skill. Some who have yet to learn that skill approach reading it as a chore - with the goal being to complete the task, check off the box, get it done. But reading in a meaningful way isn’t about how many chapters or verses you get through in one sitting. It’s about taking the time to comprehend and apply what you’re taking in. The stopping point should be determined more by when you’ve reached your saturation point and have enough to think about, rather than how many pages you finished. Sometimes that may be accomplished in a chapter or two, and sometimes that can start and end with a single verse.

The Bible, quite honestly, is not an easy read. You can’t just sprint through it. It requires patience and thought. There can be a lot of depth to just a few passages, but you may need to find a translation that is more easy for you to digest. It will take practice for those words to open up to you, but, at the point that you’ve mastered that practice, it’s almost impossible to open up the Bible without finding something relevant and meaningful to help you with wherever you’re at in life.

Prayer

"And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. And when you pray, do not keep on babbling like pagans, for they think they will be heard because of their many words." (Matthew 6: 5-7)

If the Bible provides our avenue to knowledge of God’s personality, containing guidance and directions on how to live a Christ-like life, the spoken prayer is what provides for our direct communication with Him. Prayer is our means for communicating our innermost thoughts, fears, concerns and praises, as well as where we express our needs and requests for intervention.

Many Christians can be awkward with prayer because of their personal image of who God is. If we view God as this impersonal deity who sits in judgment on a throne somewhere, the idea of striking up a conversation can be rather intimidating. However, if we view God as our spiritual Father who loves us and truly has our best interests at heart, approaching Him in prayer can be a more natural endeavor.

If our relationship with our earthly father, or authority in general, was a difficult one, sometimes this also inhibits how we see, and trust, God. For instance:

• If we had a disciplinarian for a parent, then we may tend to live in fear of God’s punishment.

• If we had an inconsistent parent, then our issues with God may be around trusting that He actually cares, or that He can be relied on to come through for us.

• If we had a parent who used guilt as a weapon, then we may struggle with feeling condemned versus convicted regarding our mistakes and poor choices.

• If we experienced only conditional love, then we may see God as being loving only so long as we are living perfect Christian lives.

There are numerous ways that a prayerful relationship can be sabotaged, but the bottom line is we can’t avoid direct communication with God if we truly want to develop a relationship with Him. We can’t allow the negative lessons we’ve learned from earthly fathers and authority figures to keep us from experiencing God’s grace, His forgiveness and peace.

The New Testament states that there are any number of reasons to seek out God in prayer, a few being:

• To be healed and see others healed (James 5:15)

• To be forgiven (Luke 18:14)

• To make our needs known (Philippians 4:6)

• To change the hearts of our enemies (Matthew 5:44)

• To cope with temptation (Matthew 16:42)

• To seek protection (John 17:11)

• To increase in faith and relationship with God (Ephesians 1:18)

• For the good of others (II Thessalonians 1:11)

• To escape trouble (James 5:13)

The Serenity Prayer

When we pray we need to turn over the things that are beyond our control to God, but we still need to assume responsibility for what remains our part. One of