Conflict Resolution for Couples

By Paul R. Shaffer

“Conflict Resolution for Couples” is written in a comprehensive and logical progression that maps out how to have a healthy relationship—one where conflict can be readily managed. It has solid answers for couples trying to find reasonable solutions.

This 10th Anniversary Edition discusses the following topics:

· the basics of a healthy relationship
· a model for managing conflict
· 26 guidelines for conflict resolution
· making and maintaining lasting changes
· affair-proofing and affair-recovery
· considering or moving through a separation

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 17, 2005
• ISBN: 9781418483098

Paul R. Shaffer

Paul R. Shaffer contributed to nature guides from Golden Guides and St. Martin's Press.

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© 2005 Paul R. Shaffer. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 05/21/2020

ISBN: 978-1-4184-8308-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4184-8307-4 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4184-8309-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2004096213

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and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. [Biblica]

Acknowledgements

There are three groups of people I need to recognize and thank.

First are the authors and professionals who provided me with a framework for understanding people and build it into something that worked for me. These primarily include: Aaron Beck, Eric Berne, David Burns, Helen Fisher, William Glasser, John & Julie Gottman, David Keirsey, and Scott Peck. Each gave me understandings and insights, or confirmed a way of thinking, that has proven beneficial both to my practice and to my personal life.

Second, I need to give recognition to the clients that I have worked with over the past 30+ years – those people that I counseled either in individual, couples or group therapy. An odd benefit of working in this field is that sometimes the counselor will get almost as much from the counseling process as the client does. Each person presents a new experience - a unique individual who requires a unique solution. Ideally, in the process of finding those solutions, counselors refine their understanding of what they themselves do and why.

Doing this kind of work has created in me an admiration for those who were willing to make the necessary changes in their lives in order to have healthier relationships. It is an incredible honor to have someone trust you enough to let you into their most private world. To each of those who braved the work required in going through the healing process, I am thankful.

Thirdly, I would like to thank those people in my personal world who have meant so much, and taught me much, through my direct relationship with them. The family I came from – my father and mother – Paul and Dee Shaffer, and my sister, Beth. The wife of my youth, Lori Vaccaro, and my daughter, Megan Joy. My life-long friends from college: Lori Sheridan-Black, Kent Sivadge, Lani Nussbaum-Juengel, and Mike Strickland. My colleagues and friends in North Carolina (past and present): Gene Haas, Wanda Belote, Diane Reid-Lyon, Jan Boyd-Glenn, Debbie Daurity-Medves, Dale McCall-Davies, Peter Cumming, Jenny Powell, Eileen Sercu, Jodye McGray, Laura Martone and Emily Pasour.

Thank you all.

A final thank you, as well, to Craig Chepke, who suggested I come up with an acronym for the four-step resolution process I was using at the time. (It ultimately led to R.I.V.E.R.)

And a nod to Jeff Seiler for his continued editorial assistance.

Dedication

I would like to dedicate this book to my daughter, Megan. I hope that she may benefit from it in her own relationships and not have to experience as many of the struggles that so many do. Thank you, Megan, for all of the positives that you’ve brought to my life, for they are many. May you continue to grow in wisdom and purpose throughout your life’s adventures. I’m proud of the choices you’re making as a young adult, finding your way. You’ll always have my love.

Table of Contents

Author’s Note

Foreword

Part I: Relational Foundations

Chapter 1: Emotional Health

Chapter 2: Relational Myths & Thought Distortions

Chapter 3: Type versus Role

Chapter 4: Understanding Needs

Part II: Tools for Resolution

Chapter 5: Conflict 101

Chapter 6: The Conflict Model

Chapter 7: When an Issue Exists

Chapter 8: Reflecting on & Identifying the Issue

Chapter 9: Validating the Issue

Chapter 10: Explaining the Issue

Chapter 11: Resolving the Issue

Part III: : Strategies for Change

Chapter 12: Making and Maintaining Changes

Chapter 13: Healthy Routines

Chapter 14: Assessing Lack of Change

Part IV: : Crisis Situations

Chapter 15: Affairs

Chapter 16: Separation

Afterword: Balance

After the Afterword

Appendix A: The Tools

Appendix B: The Exercises

Author’s Note

This being the R.I.V.E.R. Method edition of Conflict Resolution for Couples (and also the 15th Anniversary Edition), you, the reader, may have some questions as to what changes were made in this edition since the original’s release in 2005 (and the four updates in-between). Just about everything in this book over the past 15 years has either been expanded on or compacted for the sake of being more comprehensive yet concise (the result of my potentially compulsive need for improvement and accuracy).

The 2007 edition had a study guide included at the end of the book. I removed three chapters (Your Past in the Present, Adolescents & Conflict, Religion, Spirituality, and Conflict) and included three new ones felt to be more central to the couple’s dynamic (Diagnosing the Problem, Dating Relationships & Conflict, Affairs & Conflict).

In the 2009 edition, I removed the chapter, Couples Who Always Fight & Couples Who Never Fight, combining it with the Conflict Model chapter. I also added the chapter, Validating the Issue. It was somewhat ironic that I was saying how couples forget to validate each other in the midst of conflict and here I was, up to then, forgetting to write a specific chapter on it. I also removed the study guide in favor of including Discussion Questions at the end of each chapter.

In the 2011 edition, I took the over-sized first chapter (Foundations for a Mentally Healthy Relationship) and broke it down into six smaller chapters. I added a chapter, Models for Change, by breaking up the chapter on Making and Maintaining Changes. Also, Diagnosing the Problem was re-titled Diagnosing Lack of Change.

The 2015 edition lost the dating chapter (since I wrote an entire book on The Top 10 Dating Essentials). The Boundaries chapter and A Conscious Relationship chapter were dropped since I have boundaries chapters in both the Top 10 Marriage Essentials and the Dating book. The Conflict Model was expanded into an additional chapter, When An Issue Exists. And I abandoned my overuse of bold print.

What makes this edition unique (aside from an additional edit) is that I changed the 4-step model I had used for the majority of my private practice years into a 5-step. Yes, I know that simpler is often better, but Reflection (especially self-reflection) is an important step in itself, and it needed to be included. Also, five years had passed since the last edition and I felt it important to make some necessary updates to the things I’d said before, rather than wait until it was time to consider doing the 20th Anniversary Edition. 44382.png

One thing that hasn’t changed, the core tools and exercises discussed in the reading are still itemized in the appendices at the back of the book.

Foreword

Experience has taught me that most people, myself included, do not have very good study skills. By this, I mean that most people, even though they can read and comprehend what they are reading, do not approach a book in a way that makes it likely that they will retain what has been read.

Most strategies learned in high school and college were time-based strategies. You learned what you needed for the test and then forgot about it. The focus was only on short-term retention. Keeping this in mind, I would like to suggest some strategies for approaching this book in a way that will make it likely to have a more meaningful and lasting impact on your life.

1. For couples, one of the best ways to read this book is with the significant other. I don’t mean that you are both trying to read at the same time, but rather one person reads to the other. While this is not a necessity (or maybe even a possibility, depending on the situation), the benefits multiply immensely. When you read, you typically make observations about the relationship in question that, in the moment, make a difference to you. However, if your partner is not present, those observations often go unshared and then may get lost in time.

Reading together is visible evidence that you are both willing to work on the relationship - that you care.

If the relationship is currently hostile, it is likely that feedback directed at your partner while reading together might be taken as an attack or a judgment, and should probably be avoided. If your partner is open to reading along, then the suggestion would be to only make comments on the things that you feel apply to you or the relationship in general.

It is possible to apply the methods discussed in this book without the other ever having read it, but, for maximum effect, it is recommended that both parties do the reading.

2. Take your time reading. This is a very rushed civilization we live in. Everything is based around efficiency and saving time (which is somewhat ironic since we often become less efficient due to all of the shortcuts). We lose quality in our search for quantity. Give yourself permission to take the time to think through what you are reading. Don’t let this be just another self-help book under your belt.

If you truly want help with the quality of your relationship, it deserves the time spent in investigating solutions. Think of it in terms of someone panning for gold. If they go too fast in their search, they are likely to overlook what they are searching for. If you find yourself beginning to skim, you’re going too fast.

Try to choose a peaceful moment to do your reading. If you’re trying to squeeze it in during the middle of a hectic day, you may not be fully attending to what you’re reading. You will be trying to shift mental gears to take in the content, but your background attention is going to be on watching the clock.

3. Look for how what you are reading applies to you. People will approach self-help reading as a method for learning about others without necessarily thinking about how it applies to themselves. Couples reading this type of book will often be looking for information about their significant other and overlooking opportunities for self-insight.

When I used to do therapy/support groups, it always amazed me how someone could be in a group for a while and eventually make the comment, I just can’t see how any of this relates to me. Learning by association is a skill that not everyone possesses, but can still be learned. It involves being able to look for, and find, common threads and connections. They are always there if you know how to look for them.

4. Consider using a highlighter or underline when you read. As you come across sections that strike a chord in you (whether because you are in strong agreement, or because it’s a new insight or perspective that deserves further thought, or something that would be great to share with another) highlight them so you can come back to them later. In this way you are making the book an easy reference for later use and incorporating the parts that have the most significance for you.

If you have identified the personally relevant high points for yourself in this book, you are much more likely to come back and reread it since you have markers to show you where to go. If you fail to highlight or underline you are less likely to expend the energy later to go back and search the pages to try to find the memorable parts, and, as a result, lose those insights over time, as your memory of what you read fades.

5. Write down any insights you arrive at as you read. Different than highlighting, if a statement sets off a series of thoughts for you that leads to some relevant conclusions or understandings, take the time to actually write your thoughts down in a notebook. You’re not duplicating what’s already written, but rather the line of thinking that the written words inspired.

Often, I will ask clients to bring notebooks with them to sessions. This is because we will usually cover a lot of territory in a single session and there will probably be several relevant points or strategies identified. If the client is trying to retain it all without any source for hanging onto it other than by memory, much of it will often be lost.

Most people remember things based on what are called the primacy and recency effects. According to these effects, you tend to remember the beginning and the end of an event (in this case, the beginning or ending of a chapter) and forget what happened in the middle. Logging insights is one way of retaining that elusive middle.

6. Repetition is the key. The only way to keep something active in your mind in order to make a conscious change in your life is to review it. Again and again. One frequently quoted statistic is that if you want to make a behavior part of your lifestyle you must maintain that behavior consistently for at least three months for it to develop into a habit.

Just because you intellectually learn a strategy for controlling your anger, it will do you no good if it’s not actually applied. Think of it along the lines of the training that an athlete goes through. There is a repetition of exercises that train the body to do what it needs to do without thought. At first it is awkward, because the old thinking or behavior is stronger and more familiar. With repetition, however, we are carving a new pathway, one that initially requires intentional thought but which, over time, can develop into a pattern of response that becomes second nature.

7. There are exceptions to every rule. The rules/tools listed here are guidelines with which you need to be flexible so that you can fine-tune them to fit your own relationship. The basis for each of the rules is sound, but try not to approach them so rigidly that you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. (On the opposite end, there are some people who tend to routinely look for exceptions in an attempt to dismiss the rule.) I recognize there is no way I can write a book that covers every aspect of conflict that might arise. So try to be flexible in your thinking, finding creative ways to use the tools described.

8. Don’t turn this into work. Make it something positive. You are much more likely to retain what you are reading if you give it a chance and let yourself get into it. A new insight, a fresh way of looking at things, can be inspiring. You are continuing to grow by stretching yourself in new ways, entertaining new ideas or reaffirming old ones that you may have forgotten.

Enjoy the read!

Part I

Relational Foundations

Chapter 1

Emotional Health

When I do couple’s counseling, I usually don’t jump right into the issues. Yes, I’ll spend some time getting familiar with what brings the couple into my office, but the session isn’t about letting them dump all of their grievances with each other out all at once. Nor is it about letting them just start to argue with me acting as the referee.

My job, initially, is to get a sense of what tools they already have and start introducing them to better tools than what they’ve been using. So, most of what I do at the beginning is educational. I have to teach the couple a slightly different language than what they currently use, and introduce some relational concepts that will help them better understand what’s going on with them.

From there, once the language and tools are in place, the focus turns to applying what the couple has learned to their particular situation - using those new tools to move through their issues. Sometimes, just having learned new relational concepts will help resolve some of their issues because the actual issue behind the issue was a lack of relational education.

So, too, with this book, rather than just jumping into the resolution tools (Part II), it’s better for me to start by laying the conceptual groundwork, creating a better understanding of why these particular tools need to be applied. I’ll start by moving through what emotionally and mentally healthy (and unhealthy) look like (Chapters 1 & 2) and then get into some of the dynamics behind why couples fight (Chapters 3 & 4).

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Conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Yet, many people enter into relationships with the expectation that, if it’s a good relationship, there should be no conflict. While this is a myth, when conflict inevitably does occur, people will then often end up incorrectly concluding that the relationship was a mistake.

John and Julie Gottman are two of the most well-known names in couple’s work due to their longstanding research-based approach to figuring out what predicts romantic relationships both failing and succeeding. According to them, on average, 69% of the issues in long-term romantic relationships never get fully resolved, but the couples are still able to work around those differing opinions, preferences and personalities.¹

People will deny, avoid, repress or ignore conflict in hopes that it will go away. But a healthy relationship is often determined by how smoothly conflict can be negotiated, not ignored. It is a skill that, even if not modeled by your caregivers while you were growing up, is learnable.

The fact that a couple actually has arguments is secondary compared to whether those arguments get worked out and how quickly the couple is able to recover and regroup after they occur.

It all comes down to:

• Having a good foundation from which to work

• Having a good selection of tools to handle whatever problems come along

• Knowing which tools to use and when

• Following through in using them consistently

• Having healthy routines in place to keep the relationship on an intentional, conscious level – maintaining the connection

When I use the word foundation, I’m referring to the attitudes, expectations, understandings and beliefs that you bring to the relationship. That’s not just how well you get your partner, not just how well you grasp what makes a relationship work, but also how well you understand yourself.

• If your attitude about a relationship is based solely on the amount of energy your partner is expending for you…

• If you’re entering a relationship expecting that, if it’s a healthy one, you should never have to change anything about yourself…

• If your understanding of relationships is limited because you grew up in a family that didn’t model introspection, self-control, connection or ownership, and you see no problem in duplicating that in your current relationship…

• If your belief about relationships is that criticism and accountability are just forms of judgment and overcontrol…

…there are going to be significant problems somewhere in your relationship’s future.

The foundation is the core of the relationship. If the core is unhealthy, then everything else that happens within that relationship is perceived through that unhealthy filter. Yes, even if you have a healthy foundation, there will still be problems, but the healthier the foundation, the more easily those problems can be resolved, and the less work there is overall.

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How mentally and emotionally healthy you are entering into a relationship, and the degree to which you remain open to learning and applying new things once you’re already in it, sets the limits for just how healthy your relationship is going to be.

Because the depth of one’s relational dysfunction may only present itself during difficult times, the relationship may do seemingly well so long as no one’s rocking the boat, or so long as circumstances remain positive.

Many relationships, at the start, will bring out the best in you. And, during that time, the not-so-good things that you keep underneath can be more easily managed. However, sometimes, those underlying issues force their way to the surface when life becomes overly stressful, when we are caught off-guard, or when we become overly comfortable in our relationships.

Romantic relationships operate by different rules than other relationships. In an intimate relationship part of what creates that emotional intimacy is being able to share on a very personal level all of the things that we don’t share with anyone else - including the not-so-good stuff. If we aren’t willing to share those things with our partner, the intimacy will be restricted and the relationship will likely stay at a surface level.

Emotionally healthy people are able to acknowledge their shortcomings as well as their strengths. Being vulnerable isn’t viewed as weakness, but a sign of maturity. It’s an act of courage for them to show their partner that they trust them with that delicate information. And, if the receiving partner is healthy as well, that information will be handled respectfully and with appreciation for the risk that was taken, even if they don’t agree with the partner’s perspective.

In such healthy relationships, admitting our own issues and shortcomings, or risking a potentially painful confrontation, can be an opportunity for the relationship to grow, deepening the emotional intimacy that already exists. Crises tend to occur most frequently in the relationships that suppress or avoid such disclosures. The healthiest relationships challenge us to grow in positive ways, inspire us to be better partners, help heal past relational wounds, and create positive pressure for necessary change.

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According to Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled and The Different Drum, emotional health is best measured by how we handle emotional pain.

There are two extremes when it comes to emotional pain: 1) those who overindulge in it (such as those who struggle with excessive anxiety, guilt or depression), and 2) those who avoid it at all costs, even to the point of dissociating from reality. Being emotionally healthy is the balance point between those two extremes where we are able to own our pain and work through it, rather than be chronically overwhelmed by it, or routinely attempting to escape it.

Many couples will routinely practice these extremes, because the extremes are always the simplest options to see, but also the most primitive. They will either overwhelm each other with blame or actively avoid painful subjects (at the cost of rarely addressing what’s not working). They need to learn a better way, one that doesn’t let their emotional discomfort choose the course.

Peck broke emotional health down into three categories: personal discipline, healthy love, and application of grace.

Discipline

Personal discipline, for Peck, consisted of four factors:

1. practicing delayed gratification

2. accepting responsibility for our part of any problem

3. being truthful with ourselves and others

4. seeking balance

Peck recognized that the majority of us are lazy when it comes to being self-disciplined. Our jobs set a structure for us that we respect because we are motivated to collect that paycheck or climb that corporate ladder, but, often, in our personal lives a functional structure is absent, leaving us with little direction and purpose to our life outside of our careers. We think that our personal time is supposed to be about anything but work, but failing to do the work of being disciplined with ourselves often results in emotional pain and discomfort (the very thing that we were trying to avoid in the first place).

Lack of delayed gratification. Many approach life expecting it to be a pain-free existence. They want it to be easy, and they want their fun up front without having to work for it. They may accumulate debt and impulsively engage in self-destructive behavior all because they want what they want, and they want it now. They routinely search for shortcuts rather than doing the legitimate work, so their primary focus is guided by doing whatever feels good in the moment.

Failure to accept responsibility. They may try to protect themselves by displacing the blame for their own mistakes on others or events. It’s everything outside of them that is the problem (their job, their partner, their circumstances). It’s too uncomfortable to bear the weight of owning that some of the problem is them. Their world can become quite fragile and rigid all because they have to maintain an image of having it all together all of the time - putting themselves above criticism at the cost of becoming unapproachable.

Avoiding the truth. They may practice deception in order to not have to confront or be confronted by others. They will distort facts. They will go to great lengths to avoid having any light cast that might expose their poor behavior. They will often wear several masks that they show to the world, even those closest to them, that hides the inner person of who they really are for fear of punishment, rejection, judgment or abandonment.

Emotionally immature couples tend to approach arguments with a win/lose mentality. To each of them, there can be only one winner, and they will use manipulation tactics (deflection, lies, distortion, confusion, domination) to make sure that the winner is them. They engage in an adversarial competition rather than working together to find a mutual resolution. So not only are they uncomfortable with their own pain, they don’t know how to respectfully deal with their partner’s pain either.

Lack of balancing. For the person who struggles with balance, not only might they gravitate to emotional extremes (too much or too little), they may also struggle with balancing their personal priorities. Too much leisure at the cost of their job. Too much work at the cost of not having a life outside of their job. Too much spending at the cost of their financial security. Too much eating at the cost of their health. Too committed with their time and energy to everyone else but their own family. Too focused on their children that they’ve lost their own sense of self. Too much self-improvement to the degree that they’ve become self-absorbed.

Whatever we do, even if it’s healthy, it can become unhealthy if we take it to an extreme. For the extremists, who disregard balance, their lives are predictably crisis-driven, because they only attend to the neglected priorities when those parts of their life are about to crash. Relationally, these are often the people who fail to attach a priority to the romantic relationship until their partner is about to walk out the door. And the concern for the neglected partner becomes that, once the crisis has passed, the other will slip back into their old neglectful behavior (which is quite likely).

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If we don’t exercise the muscles of our body, the muscles fail to grow stronger. In fact, they may begin to atrophy (to shrink). To exercise requires work and the physical discomfort of stressing our body in order to improve it.

So, too, without the exercise of life’s situational trials, as well as the personal and relational challenges we both intentionally and unintentionally create for ourselves, we often do not mature mentally or emotionally. By going to great lengths to avoid these testing periods, we are not learning healthier adult methods for coping with life. Instead, we will tend to hang on to childhood ways of avoiding, repressing or displacing pain.

It’s the same concept behind addictions treatment. The point in time when the addict starts to use the focus of their addiction (food, gambling, drugs, sex, overspending) to avoid dealing with pain or problems is the point when they stop maturing. It’s not unusual that when someone starts to chronically abuse drugs or alcohol at age 16 in order to de-stress, if you ask their partner (now that the drug user’s in their 30’s), How old does your partner act?, the response is often, It’s like I’m living with a teenager. Emotionally, they still are.

Just because you experience emotional pain does not mean that growth automatically happens. Growth means that you’ve actually learned something from your experience. And, even then, there is a difference between head knowledge (which is just a new truth that you are now aware of) versus knowledge that has been both truly internalized and outwardly applied. True growth results in internal and external change. If you fail to learn from a painful experience, the tendency is to continue to repeat it again and again.

So, practicing emotional discipline is something that is applied on both a personal and relational level - to not chronically avoid the conflicts that arise; to own up to one’s own part in the problems; to confront our partners with love; to commit to (and follow through on) making necessary changes; and to routinely assess ourselves and our relationship for balance. The outcome of doing this work is usually reflected in a sense of continued growth, success and competence, and a feeling that the relationship is moving forward rather than stagnating.

Love

Actors are concerned with the question, What’s my motivation? It’s what they need to know in order to get into the role of the character that