Being You: How to Live Authentically: Unlocking the Power of the Freedom Code and Incorporating the Philosophy of Adaptive Freedom

By Doyle Doyle

Being You is about reaching your highest potential through authentic living. It helps you to exercise your own choices and feel and act with confidence and effectiveness in every situationto be free of fear and doubt, to have a life filled with meaning, success, and well-being.

This is the freedom to live according to your unique needs, personality, purpose, and values; to be accepted unconditionally for who and what you are; to feel all lifes pain as well as its joys; to live from the hearttrusting your inner nature and your experience of the worldand to accept responsibility for all your actions.

The philosophy of Adaptive Freedom, outlined in the book, shows that the ability to adapt and grow is the essence of personal freedom, which is the core of authenticity. You need to be adaptive to be free, and both make it easier to become truly authentic.

The power to change and realize the life of your highest imaginings lies in the Freedom Codea set of seven practice pillarsoffering a liberation path to self-fulfillment, a code to unlock the greatness that lies within. The seven pillars create new ways to guide you through knowledge to self-awareness and purposeful action. They offer a systematic and holistic framework to help you lead a meaningful, successful, happy, and authentic life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Jan 9, 2012
• ISBN: 9781452537825

Doyle Doyle

Gerard Doyle is a change management consultant, personal coach, NLP, and Reiki master, with thirty-five years as CEO and senior manager with companies and nonprofits in Ireland, Middle East, and Asia. A Fellow of the Institute of Management Consultants, he divides his time between Ireland, France, and the United States.

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Contents

Introduction

Part I

1

2

3

4

Part II

5

6

7

8

9

Part III

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

Acknowledgements

Notes

Bibliography and Reference Papers

For Peg, Cli and all my family

and in fond remembrance of William G. Carroll.

Introduction

Do not follow where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Being You is the simple and clear objective but also the great challenge for everyone who practices the principles and techniques in this book. It is based on the fundamental concept that within each of us is an underlying trend toward the fulfillment of our inherent potential.

The sole aim of this book is to assist you to live a full, complete, authentic life, exercising your own choices, making your own decisions, feeling and acting with confidence and effectiveness in every situation. To have a life free of fear and doubt, a life filled with meaning, success and happiness.

This means living an authentic life as a ‘whole person’—a full, meaningful, successful and happy life. It implies that your self-concept and experience of life are in harmony with your vision and purpose. There is coherence between what you think you are and the way you are living your life every day. Your behavior reflects your values and your life-as-lived reveals what you intuitively know you are capable of becoming.

With this comes the freedom to live your life according to your own unique needs, personality, purpose and values. To be accepted unconditionally for who and what you are. To feel all life’s pain as well as its joys. To live from the heart—trusting your inner nature and your experience of the world—and willing to accept responsibility for all your actions.

Even though the focus of this book is on the individual the reality is that there is no such thing as an isolated individual. You are in constant interaction with others: family, friends, colleagues, and society in general. Your authentic life is lived in the companionship of others. They shape you and you in turn shape them.

This book is based on the philosophy of Adaptive Freedom which suggests that the ability to adapt, adjust, change and grow is the essence of freedom and freedom is the basis of authenticity. You need to be adaptive to be truly free and live authentically in the modern world. Freedom heightens your capacity for adaptability and both make it easier to sustain the unfolding process of realizing the power of your true potential in the act of becoming more authentic.

Adaptive Freedom is a liberation path to self-fulfillment. It is a journey through knowledge to self-awareness and understanding. It offers a systematic and holistic framework to help you lead a meaningful, successful, happy and authentic life.

Adaptive Freedom has twelve core principles:

1. You have an inherent and irrepressible urge to Be You—to live authentically and in the process to achieve your highest potential.

2. Authentic living is purposive action—you shape your authentic self by the way you live your life.

3. Your authentic life is grounded in your needs, and built on the unfolding vision of the ideal you which creates a high degree of self-direction and a strong sense of commitment.

4. Your happiness is found not in pleasure or possessions alone but in the quality of being deeply connected in your relationships and the satisfaction of living in perceptive awareness.

5. Your natural disposition is towards the good—acting in ways that are pleasing, valuable and useful, and grounded in the inherent interconnection of all beings and a strong sense of compassion.

6. You have the courage to honor your personal values which you have clarified and you subscribe to universal values which you freely accept.

7. You possess personal power for your own benefit and that of the community, and you live autonomously as a participating member of the community.

8. You pursue success and personal excellence in all areas of your life, not merely for their results but for the sense of achievement in how you attained them.

9. You understand that mind is intrinsic to all matter and is the engine of authenticity; and you are aligned with the universal flow of energy and information in the superabundant field of Quintessence.

10. You have a high degree of self-acceptance and a willingness to accept others and life in a way that facilitates your growth.

11. You can exercise self-control and effectively manage your emotions, and your decisions and behavior are informed by your adaptive intuition and your values.

12. You have a balanced approach to the demands of life and your life is animated by joy, enthusiasm and appreciation for all its wonders.

In Part 1: The Challenge of Authentic Living—you are introduced to the inspirational groundwork for the overall theory of Adaptive Freedom—the call to an authentic life and how to respond to it and what role freedom plays in the process. This part also describes the seven qualities of authenticity, a set of challenging perspectives to measure your progress.

In Part 2: The Core Concepts of Adaptive Freedom—you are introduced to a particular understanding of the nature of the human person, the human condition, your social, holistic and participatory nature and the concepts of personhood and personality. The primacy of values and honorable behavior is emphasized and the mental, emotional and spiritual nature of human functioning are explored. This part ends with some exciting and fresh perspectives on personal power, success and wellbeing.

In Part 3: The Freedom Code—you are introduced to the seven pillars of the Freedom Code—the core of the philosophy of Adaptive Freedom and the process for its practical implementation. The Freedom Code is the key that unlocks your inherent potential and guides you in the process of authentic living. The focus in this part is on putting into action the knowledge and understanding gained in the first two parts. The Freedom Code contains seven interconnected Pillars of Practice, which are as follows (each Pillar has a short version in brackets after the title):

1st Pillar: Develop Perceptive Awareness (Awareness) develop the power of attention, clear perception and accurate awareness.

2nd Pillar: Become Aligned with Universal Energy (Alignment) align your Vision and Life-plan with the universal flow of energy and information in the superabundant field of Quintessence.

3rd Pillar: Pursue Purposive Action (Action) continually engage in meaningful and purposive action grounded in personal excellence.

4th Pillar: Connect and Communicate Effectively (Connection) connect and communicate effectively with the human family.

5th Pillar: Develop Acceptance (Acceptance) accept yourself, others and life.

6th Pillar: Become Adaptable (Adaptability) develop adaptive emotions and behavior and become comfortable with change.

7th Pillar: Be Animated and Appreciative (Animation) find balance, joy and enthusiasm in your life.

In helping you to grow towards your highest potential Adaptive Freedom does not purport to be a guide with answers to every one of life’s problems. Most of the great challenges that we face are probably insoluble. But if they cannot be solved they can be outgrown. Practicing Adaptive Freedom helps you to grow beyond where we are, beyond your blockages and your limitations and grow towards your potentialities even if they are unknown to you right now.

Everyone, according to the Swiss psychotherapist Carl Jung possesses a higher level capability at least in embryonic form and, under favourable conditions is able to develop towards their full potentiality. People can as if unconsciously, outgrow themselves. Sometimes the new strength or wisdom or the courage to change comes from within and sometimes from outside yourself.

The journey to the authentic core of your nature can start at any time of life. Some only make the journey when faced by a crisis. Perhaps this book can help you to be prepared for that inevitable moment when crisis comes, and face it more resourcefully. The secret is to accept what comes and transform it so that you continue to grow with its help rather than resisting, denying or hiding from it. Sometimes the boost you need will come from your conscious intent and at other times it will appear as if from nowhere and can seem to be borne along on the stream of time.

We all want quick and simple answers. But the nature of growth, personality and authentic living is not a simple matter. It has taken ten years to bring this book to its current state and it’s not finished yet. It can never be finished because the human person is constantly in the flow of changing circumstances, challenges and way of being. Therefore, take your time. This is a book of many readings, and many visits.

Even though you may take different ideas from it at different times this book is still a whole and complete work. The three parts do not deal with separate subjects, but with phases or aspects of a common subject—the nature of authentic living. You will benefit from careful reading and re-reading to fully discover what it has to offer you.

The American writer Ralph Waldo Emerson calls us to be true to our unique talents. When you do, you have no rivals because no one else has the same combination of potentialities that you have. Equally you are the only one who can realize them—no one else can do it for you.

This book gives you a framework and set of life-tools to realize that inherent talent, that magnificent and utterly unique potential for greatness which you possess. The unfolding of that unique you is directly proportional to your ambition to shape and reveal it and intrinsically connected to the process you use. The heights to which that potential can take you are only constrained by your vision and commitment.

The call to a free and authentic life is a powerful one but it fades and withers unless it is answered. Being You is a unique state of being in action, being in the flow of dynamic momentum. The tools and techniques in this book will make the process easier, more enjoyable and more effective. Use them wisely, use them consistently, use them appropriately, but above all—use them!

Part I

The Challenge of Authentic Living

The first part of this book gives you an understanding of what it means to live an authentic life, why you are called to live authentically and how to respond to that call. It guides you towards the development of your authentic nature and introduces the seven qualities of authenticity.

1

The Call of an Authentic Life

It is a paradoxical fact of modern life that despite unprecedented accomplishment, apparent happiness and more wealth than the world has ever known (despite recent economic setbacks) many people feel a sense of emptiness or unease deep within themselves. The pursuit of success, happiness, wealth, love and satiation isn’t enough. There is a profound need to place the challenges of living within a more fulfilling and meaningful context.

We are conditioned to look for and accept easy solutions to the problems we face. The media and advertising in particular promise that if you buy this or that product you will get an emotional reward. But life is more complicated than these simple solutions suggest. It seems that when we get what we want we always want more.

Consumerism drives us on to buy things we don’t need, because we will buy the necessities anyway. We are encouraged to associate products with attractive personal qualities such as beauty, success, status, taste and satisfaction. The aim is to help us feel good which feeds our desire for pleasure. Feeling good is now an end in itself rather than a by product of pursuing a superior goal. Feeling good about ourselves has become almost a ‘fundamental right.’

In contemporary culture identity often comes from the clothes you wear, the music you listen to, the people you espouse as celebrities, and the teams you cheer for. For too long we have been living on the basis that affluence was all that mattered: Rich people have it all, if we all get rich, or richer, we’ll all be happy. But now the bubble has burst and the cold winds of economic hardship are everywhere.

This is a real shock to a society that has been conditioned to believe in the god of consumerism. We have been encouraged to work longer and harder so we could buy more things, but now we are faced with the hollowness of that idea.

The spectre of unemployment or the loss of economic independence for so many is not just a personal financial crisis, but a potential long-Term life altering situation. With economic insecurity comes a range of challenges all of which are linked to meaning, self-worth, and self-identity. How can we fulfil our true potential when we find it difficult to match our experience of life as it is today with our hopes and basic values?

Many struggle to cope with life’s pressures and turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating, sex, and all forms of obsessive behavior to alleviate the stress. Many feel their lives are out of control because they can’t lose weight, or can’t make a decision, or can’t catch-up, or are consumed by anger, burdened by debt or caught in unproductive or damaging relationships; or perhaps can’t find that special someone to form a relationship with. Others are numb to their own existence—busy working, buying, doing, and accumulating. They have an increased need to escape and insulate themselves from life.

People feel lost and unsure about the future, unable to establish a clear and consistent life-plan. For those in successful careers there is renewed uncertainty not only about the future but of the worth and meaningfulness of the career they have chosen. Others question their faith, community or family ties and constantly ask whether they are being true to themselves.

For many, regardless of their economic circumstances, there is an inexplicable unease or longing, a barely perceptible feeling of something missing, of not feeling complete. In others it is the experience of a lack of satisfactory human relationships in the midst of a highly technological, fast-paced, mobile society. And sadly for too many it is the pain of alienation and loneliness, a lack of human understanding and warmth.

The age-old questions of the human condition still seek answers: Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? Who will accompany me? How am I going to get there? The longing for meaning, purpose and fulfillment in life is as intense as at any time in human history.

Most people begin to seek their authentic self because they feel that something is missing in their lives. They have some gaps that they need to fill. At some level their lives are flawed or imperfect—they want more from life. This more varies from person to person. However, particular needs seem to be linked to our stage in life or what we call our Lifetimes.

Over the period of your life you have five ‘life-times’:

1. Playing Time: 0-17 years (carefree, full of fun, life is mostly play).

2. Getting Time: 18-30 years (getting qualified, getting jobs, getting married).

3. Giving Time: 31-50 years (rearing kids, working, investing, striving).

4. Being Time: 51-70 years (thinking, taking stock, life-changing).

5. Taking Time: 71+ years (retiring, relaxing, reflecting).

As we move through these lifetimes we come to way-points which challenge us. These are wake-up calls to find our own truths and start living authentically. Adaptive Freedom is helpful for people throughout all these stages.

In the later stages of the Playing Time and early part of the Giving Time young people examine what they would like to do with their lives, what they want from life and how they plan to go about it. But this is usually a secondary consideration at a time when carefree enjoyment of life is paramount.

In the later stages of the Getting Time people start questioning what life is all about. Their confidence in previous life choices may be wavering and issues linked to purpose and definitions of success and happiness become important as they experience challenges in relationships and marriage.

Much of the Giving Time is spent is service to others, especially in nurturing the young to help them create a successful life. In the later stages of the Giving Time people may have a sense that in all the giving they have lost sight of their own life—that time is starting to run out and their earlier life-goals may be unfulfilled. Their career, relationships and lifestyle may not be up to their original life-plan so they begin to either redouble their efforts or change course or perhaps do both.

The transition from the Giving Time to the Being Time is often described as the midlife crisis—a period of instability, anxiety and change. During this period people tend to review past choices and think about their final years. Awareness of death is usually a feature of this period as is a sense that despite accomplishment life seems to lack meaning.

For men this can often mean appraising their career in a new light and coming to terms with their past, facing reality perhaps for the first time and examining what wealth truly means. For women this can be a time of discovering their personal identity beyond the partner-wife-mother roles, and seeking self-reliance and independence.

The good news is that your circumstances, environment and conditioning have brought you to the place you are, but the choices you make now can bring you to a new and better place. Experience changes the physical structure of the brain. And since you can chose the kinds of learning experiences you have, you actually have power to affect the structure of your own brain, and life, both for good and for ill. All that is necessary is to exercise that choice—to choose to live a free and authentic life.

However logical it may appear this is undoubtedly not as simple as it seems. If it were there would be hardly any need for a book like this. The call to authentic living is a challenging one because it essentially means to believe in yourself and you may find this too risky. It may be easier and safer to be like others—part of the crowd, or to be what others have consistently told you that you are, to conform to the you that gets the approval you crave.

To answer the call of authentic living is risky because it means stepping out, standing up, and saying no, when most of your life up to this may have involved stepping aside, standing down, and saying yes even when your inner spirit wanted to do otherwise.

You may have become conditioned to stay quiet rather than speak out through the harsh lessons life has taught you. Nothing ventured nothing lost. The safe thing is not to venture beyond the comfort zone you have created for yourself.

We find it easy to deceive ourselves. Despite its obvious shortcomings we are good at convincing ourselves that our life is good, that we are living to the limits of our potential and see no need for change. But perhaps we haven’t counted those little bits of passion, intensity of feeling or flights of fancy that we have lost along the way. We may be secure, settled, sincere, satisfied and that may amount to a deep sense of a fulfilled life (in which case it is authentic) or it may amount to a barely perceptible sense of loss, unease, anguish or anxiety (in which case it is a stagnant life).

The Challenge of Authentic Living

All ideals of humanity and all the concepts that describe the essential nature of the human person derive from social interaction. They gain general acceptance and become part of our own worldview because of their roots in social, political, religious and cultural history and tradition.

The problem is that in unsettled times these ideals become blurred. In our time the situation is compounded by the seismic shift created by the breakdown in trust and respect for the traditional sources of wisdom and leadership.

The values, solutions and vision for the future of society offered by many of the traditional social, political and religious sources seem to many people to be dated and lacking in credibility. Humankind needs the highest vision of personality, and needs it clearly and vividly. Without it the foundations of our social structures—personal responsibility and accountability—will be hard to sustain.

The most lasting impression on our ideals is always made by leaders and teachers who embody their idealism in the actions of their lives not just in their rhetoric; leaders who are models of their own beliefs. Regrettably they are now hard to find.

The challenge then for each of us is to embark on a personal journey of establishing what it means for us to live an authentic life. We must be responsible for our own life rather than responsive to what others say our life should be. Rather than lament the passing of stern leadership and the imposition of ethical standards from on high we can see this era as the next stage in the maturation of humanity. We are no longer children or adolescents but have come into adulthood and must now shape our world with the tools of reason and intuition, science and tradition.

This requires clarifying and testing our personal values in the fire of our lived experience; coming to terms with our personal power and defining what it means to achieve success and wellbeing in life. We are called to face the challenge of simultaneously living our life and exercising our freedom and power in accordance with those values.

We have become accustomed to taking our values and ideals much like our breakfast cereal—out of a box. The box is that of culture and tradition, family and tribe and nowadays the social conditioning peddled by a voracious media under the guise of ‘public opinion.’

The surrender of so many leaders to the alleged primacy of public opinion has been a central feature in the collapse of credible leadership at all levels in society. To be authentic is to have a belief, a position, a view and then to stand-up for that view until convinced by others that it is misguided or there is a better alternative.

The challenge for a free and authentic person is to create your own vision or ideal of what a modern, valuable and authentic society might be, and be willing to stand-up for it. And in the process, not to be unduly swayed by what the media present to you as ‘truth.’

This is no easy task. If for instance, you hear that politicians are responding to public anger over some issue or that a certain percentage of people in a poll believed ‘X’; you may well be subliminally influenced to take those ideas on board. It is even possible that you will accept them as truth, or take them for granted and so in time build up a range of data sets that can quickly morph into beliefs and even values.

The Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard had a dislike for public opinion and was suspicious of the media. This was surprising in his day (he died in 1855) when the media was a bare glimpse of what it is today. He famously coined the phrase the crowd is untruth. The crowd meaning public opinion in its broadest sense or the ideas that a given age takes for granted; the ordinary and accepted way of doing things; the complacent attitude that comes from the conformity necessary for social life.

In Kierkegaard’s view public opinion insinuates itself into your own sense of who you are, relieving you of the burden of being yourself. In his words: If everyone is a Christian there is no need for me to become one.

The choices presented to you in social life and by public opinion are unsure and not always credible. This forces you to look for answers in the experience and action of your own life as lived, with all its baggage and beauty.

You won’t, nor should you, jettison the values imbued from your family and friends, your religious and cultural background (even if you are no longer committed to either), your education and professional formation or your past experience.

Rather than looking to them to establish a value or meaning which speaks authentically to your life today, look instead directly at yourself to create a life that is authentic on the basis of your actions and interactions with others. Such a life will be grounded in awareness and reflection not in social conditioning. It will be committed to being responsible for, and accepting the consequences of your actions.

An authentic life is unique to the person who lives it. Your authenticity is your own. That authenticity may be inextricably and exclusively linked to your religious observance or belief in the will of God, or your adherence to norms established by social, cultural or political authorities. In either case these are valid choices only if you make them freely and out of a sense of commitment rather than conformity.

Perhaps you don’t have a belief in God, or you did but no longer do, or you may now doubt the wisdom of the authorities you once trusted. In which case all you have left is yourself and your friends, and mentors. You must look then to yourself to shape your own unique authentic life. This process may be informed by many sources but it is shaped by you and you are more than adequate for the task.

The call of an authentic life is the manifestation of the natural drive towards individual maturity and harmony with the whole of humankind. It creates its own dynamic and doesn’t wait meekly for you to get on with the job. If you delay, the frustrated natural urge towards fulfillment may surface in an inner sense of unease or dissatisfaction with the state of your life.

The psychological term daimonic was described by the psychiatrist Rollo May as the elemental force within us which contains an irrepressible urge not only to survive but to thrive. It is the dynamic unrest that forces us into the unknown, leading either to self-destruction or self-discovery. He described this power of nature as capable of both positive and negative outcomes, and as a naturally occurring human impulse or urge within everyone to affirm, assert and achieve their highest potential.

This inner urge can arise out of a personal crisis or trauma, a psychological illness, or simply neurotic or unpredictable behavior or an aching desire to find meaning and purpose in your life. It is a ‘calling’ however well disguised, to become your authentic self and it can be nurtured and supported, directed and channelled. Therefore, to set-out on this journey is hardly optional. In fact it’s imperative, urgent and critical to your wellbeing.

The Ideal You

Your authentic or aspirational identity is what you hope to make of your self, the type of person you want to become—the ideal you. It is a vision of the personality traits, values and patterns of behavior you wish to personify.

The ideal you is shaped and ultimately realized in the world but formed in your imagination. Your imagination is the ultimate source of your authentic nature. It is the expression of absolutely everything you wish to be.

The focus on what you aspire to be is more an activity rather than an end in itself. You are not trying to capture a pure, original or pristine identity that exists separately from the stream of your experience—that lies hidden waiting to be discovered.

The development of an aspirational identity in this context is what the philosopher Richard Moran has called ‘self-constitution.’ He believes that we are uniquely able to constitute ourselves. Therefore, you don’t search for your authentic self, it exists right here right now. You don’t discover your authentic self, you shape your authentic self in a way that gives meaning to the life you lead.

The philosopher George Herbert Palmer described the process by using the analogy of an elm tree. When the seed of an elm begins to sprout, it is adapted not merely to the next stage, but to every stage beyond that. The whole elm is already predicted in its genetic make-up when its seed is planted in the ground. For it to become an elm it must have a helpful environment, but still a certain plan of movement elmwards is already contained in the seed.

But what if the seed already knew the shape and size of elm it had the potential to become? Every time it sucked in moisture or basked in sunshine it would be gently adapting this nourishment to the fulfillment of its ultimate goal. It might be asking itself for example, whether the strength gained from the environment would be better sent to the left branch or the right.

Such an elm would be entirely different to its fellow elms in the forest. Because if it could envisage what it might look like as it grew to maturity it wouldn’t be an elm but a human person. Unlike the elm we are entrusted with our own growth. The basic plan is in our genes but the environment we inhabit and the choices we make ultimately decide what we become.

Your authentic or aspirational identity is what you hope to make of yourself, the type of person you want to become—the ideal you. It is a vision of the highest potential that you aspire to fulfil in your life—the true, free and authentic person you wish to become.

Your aspirational identity may emerge in a moment of great insight but it is more likely to be the result of a gradual process of awakening, or self-sculpting. It can also be revealed through the yearnings that you feel from time to time—the hopes that excite and energize you. Generally though it will be the result of some combination of these:

1. Ambition: This is the will to succeed, to aspire to some high ideal or cherished desire, to realize a dream, acquire positive power, to equal or excel.

2. Habit: This is a subtle motivator which reminds you to keep things the way they are. According to the psychologist C. George Boeree in its most positive form it’s your desire for peace and contentment. In its most negative form it is your resistance to anything new or different.

3. Crisis can act as a catalyst for change and leads to healing, growth, or transformation. It shatters your comfortable, often automatic patterns of thinking or behaving. Divorce, mental breakdown, career change (or loss of career), loss of a loved one, serious illness, trauma, burn-out, all these can constitute significant crises in your life.

4. Contrition and guilt are an essential impetus for positive change. The Buddhist psychologist David Brazier puts it like this: "to really do something for yourself you have to start by doing something about yourself. Until you experience the need to do so, nothing will really change."

5. Values can be a powerful motivator. Some things have value to you, and some don’t; some are relevant to you, some aren’t.

6. Inspiration: Persistent and disciplined use of inspiring methods and techniques such as meditation can give rise to greater awareness leading to a simplification and focusing of your desires and wants.

7. Society: As social beings we rely on each other for mutual support. This creates a need for positive regard: to love and be loved, in both intimate and non-intimate relationships, and the need to belong (to a place, a group, a social connection) and have the opportunity to work and contribute in meaningful ways. These can also be powerful motivators.

This last idea—essentially that we are partly shaped by others—is known in psychology as the Michelangelo effect. The Italian Renaissance sculptor Michelangelo Buonarroti (1475-1564) is said to have described some of his greatest works, such as the sculptures of David and Moses as already existing inside the blocks of marble before he started working on them. All he did was to liberate their true form.

There is an authentic self—an ideal you—inside you waiting to be revealed and those who are close to you and who care about you are well placed to help you realise it. Therefore the exploration of the ideal you is not a solitary act or wholly within your own control. Environmental and interpersonal forces help with the sculpting process. Parents, friends, teachers, and colleagues all play a part. Role models are also a vibrant source of aspirational fuel. But few sculptors are likely to exert as powerful an influence as those of our close partners.

The strong interdependence that develops in close relationships makes it inevitable that partners mutually influence the shape of each other’s lives. The social psychologist Caryl E. Rusbult who developed the Michelangelo theory said that Each person’s dispositions, values, and behavioral tendencies come to reflect the particular conditions of interdependence experienced with the partner.

You can get a very clear view of yourself through the helpful feedback of those who are close to you. Therefore, the hopes and vision you cherish for the growth of your authentic personality will be worked over and refined in the conscious and nonconscious interchange with your partner and theirs with you. But that must always be on your own terms, not theirs.

Your aspirational identity should represent some direct and measureable improvement in yourself—responding to your needs, desires, dissatisfaction, questioning, or issues arising from self-acceptance. This sought after improvement must be in a very real sense your own. If it is an image of what someone else wants you to be then it is unlikely to be a strong action motivator.

What does this mean? If you see the ideal you as bound up exclusively, or even primarily, with the advancement of your fellow humans (or other animals or Nature), it is still nevertheless both about them and you. The issue is not in the purpose you envisage but how you see that purpose.

The ideal you must be in some sense a selfish one. This does not deny the existence of altruism as an innate human trait. Nor does it endorse the view of Richard Dawkins in his book The Selfish Gene that good deeds are merely a cover for reciprocal altruism—that our self-interest is always at the top of our agenda and we only display generosity to gain an advantage or get something back.

Altruism does exist and as the philosopher David Skrbina reminds us, by helping others you are also contributing to the larger social body, so that helping society is helping yourself. And by describing the ideal you both in terms of benefitting yourself—in the pleasure of knowing you have served—and benefitting others, you are stating your ideal in a true and realistic way.

Staying in the real world is crucial to the process of working on the ideal you. Michael Foley in The Age of Absurdity reminds us that our yearning for authenticity is not found only in novelty—a new place, a new lover, a new job. More effective is to see the familiar with new eyes… to smash the crust of habit and see life anew. Foley exhorts us to begin a new job in your current post, enjoy a holiday where you actually live, and most thrillingly, plunge into a tumultuous affair with your own spouse.

The vision of the ideal you

Reviews for Being You

[kellisflor · Rating: 4 out of 5 stars]

I got this book as an early reviewer, and it has taken me a while to get through it. It is a self-help book, but does not follow the conventions of the genre; it is also, to some extent, an academic book in the breadth and depth of the sources, ranging from philosophy to psychology to sociology (and others). The author is obviously well-read, and the writing also falls between a dry academic style and the breezy, light approach many self-help books take. More detail: self-help books, even those that have solid research behind them, are usually full of anecdotes (people relate well to these stories, whether or not they are true). The reading level is not too high, and they tend to focus on a narrow concern.Most academic writing is dryer, and in any disciplines, follows a standard format (e.g. in psychological research there is an introduction, method, results, and discussion; review articles are a little more flexible). Being You brings in a wide range of sources in an organized and focused way. Unfortunately, it is also somewhat boring - I say unfortunately because the book is full of good information. I read quickly, but needed more focus than usual for this book. Overall, it is a very good book. Sources are referenced, so the reader con go back to the original study or discussion of much of the info that is presented here. Take your time, do not rush, and you will find lots of helpful information here.