Crossing the Deserts of Life: My Spiritual Journeys

By J. M. Wright

I meditated on how I could establish a relationship with God. Ive come to believe that it was necessary for me to encountered my past so that I would eventually seek Him. In my life experiences I've always found myself wandering and alone, with no one to give me guidance or encouragement. It seemed like I was bewildered and lost as I trudged through my life. My desert-like crossings were emotionally and mentally exhausting, but turn out to be a learning experience.

I learnedto journal some episodes of my past and this book is the reward ofdoing that. I'm sometimesable to see the error of my ways and now am capable to pray forchange,and notmake the same mistakes again. I've come to a place in my life where I can seemy emotional and spiritual growth from my book.I saw, how, attimeI was self-absorbed and I did not trustanyone, not even God. I'm able toreflect back on the struggles and confusion of my adolescent,not knowing what direction to take, never making rational decisions.Some of my experiences led me deep into the deserts andmade me considerturning my life over to God. Never did Irealized that these difficulties would catapult me to a spiritual dimension that revealed God's love forme.

Godstill continues to develop and mature myrelationship with Him. I concluded that as long as I stayed self-reliant and self-centered, I would be distantfrom God, then my relationship with others willremainempty and desolate like a desert. Because of His unconditional love for me, He has led me to a place of rest and restoration, away from the confusion in my desert, an oasis in the Desert.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Dec 29, 2009
• ISBN: 9781456748050

J. M. Wright

In my need to be accepted, I learned to give of myself and be available to others, mostly  especially women who struggle in relationships. Even though my relatiohship were not successful, I've been gifted with a insight on the mechanism of being peaceful and joyous with others. My insight comes from a spiritual realm where we are commanded to admonish and help one another. A way that gives a new design for everyone to be able to love, accept, forgive and ammend being connected with each other. I don’t profess to have the the answers personally, but I know that spiritually there is a solution for anyone who has a desire to change their lives.

Book preview

Crossing the Deserts of Life:

My Spiritual Journeys

Table of Contents

Acknowledgement

Foreword

Chapter One:

In the Beginning

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

The Horizon of Faith and Assurance

Acknowledgement

I would like first to acknowledge my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and the indwelling Holy Spirit, for the blessing I received and the courage to write what is true.

I am grateful for my family, children, and acquaintances. Through the many desert experiences I had, I was able to desire to bring about a change for myself. I took an inward look at my character and desired change to connect with others in meaningful and godly relationships. It is through the writing of this book and a thorough understanding that I’ve reasoned that God uses people to tear down the destructive self and bring about a complete metamorphosis of a new self-image. Without the interaction of some of the people in this book, I would have never been able to see what was lacking in myself.

Special thanks to Dot, who shared some of her precious time as I wrote this book, and to all those who encouraged me as I put my story into words.

Foreword

One day, I had remained behind after a women’s recovery meeting when a young woman approached me and asked if she could talk with me. She had some questions, and she felt better discussing them in one-on-one sharing instead of in the group. She appeared somewhat distraught. She had recently decided to change her destructive lifestyle. She had come to realize that her behavior had caused her much physical and emotional pain. She’d overheard my comments during the meeting about how I had come to find peace while accepting change for my life. She expressed to me that she wanted to know how to acquire that peace. It was through one-on-one sharing that many had found freedom from their past. It was ironic that I had found my freedom from having someone share their pains and hurts with me in these same meetings. Lives were being changing for the better, men were restored by God’s grace, and hope was replacing hopelessness. All this and more was occurring around me in the rooms of recovery, where the hopeless and lost had come to gather. Some had decided to remain. This small community of wanderers had come to accept the opportunity made available to them. They no longer had to drift alone aimlessly.

I agreed to speak with her because I had come to understand the purpose and significance of listening and sharing. I realized she was searching for a direction. In our society, there is a tragic lack of women mentoring women. Knowing this made me even more eager to listen to her. I remember the day when I came and the women reached out by showing me compassion. It made me want to stay. I needed to be shown some hope, receive some acceptance, and discover a purpose. Truly, rooms like this and others made me feel I’d stepped into another dimension, not earthly at all. Spiritual principles were suggested and practiced openly. Everyone had the same common goal to stop their addictive abuse. They had to learn to respect and be respected by their families and society. The strange thing about it all was that no one was left to themselves to find their own way. Caring and concerned people surround you and help you as long as you desire the ultimate change of heart, mind, and body. I experienced feelings of being secure enough to discuss my painful past experiences with other females safely and without condemnation. We all had sinned and fallen from grace. In the rooms, we dared not judge one another. If you did, it did not help your recovery anyway. We learned to accept one another, no matter what our past had been like. Some women were incarcerated, others did business in the night, but we all desired to be accepted and loved.

Therefore, when she began to tell me what she was going through, it reminded me of myself. I didn’t mind being there for her. As I listened to the young woman explain what was troubling her, I could identify with her state of confusion. I listened, and then I told her my story, to assure her that I was familiar with her pain. I was able to soothe some of her fears and apprehension by letting her know no matter what was troubling her, she could take responsibility for her future and it was okay to trust God. He would give her everything needed to take her through this and future situations. I assured her that no matter what she thought she’d done, nothing was so bad that she didn’t have a right to possess happiness. She was right where she was supposed to be.

The new philosophy enabled me to share things I would have never told a living soul. It had to be divine intervention that I shared so candidly. I no longer felt the shame and guilt that I had experienced when I passed through those dark times in my past. I was no longer bound by it. It’s a fact in any grouping that no one holds a prize on how terrible their sins are. Those of us who’ve been in recovery awhile realized that honestly sharing some of our plights with those who were newly around would help them to let go of their shame and guilt. We urged them to keep coming back, and some did. Several tools were placed at their feet for them to pickup and use to help them with their journey. We learned to 1) admit that we cannot change or control people, places, or things, that we are powerless 2) trust a Higher Power rather than ourselves, namely God 3) search within ourselves for those things that need to be changed by doing a moral inventory 4) admit our wrongs and repent through confession 5) completely deflate our pride and practice humility 6) restore our relationships with humanity through reconciliation.

I’ve now have attended meetings for several years. I was able to suggest to that woman that if she needed help, I would be there for her. I’d found a place where I could share my fears and emotional pain without feeling that someone was going to judge me for things I’d done or what was done to me. I wanted that young woman to feel the same by being able to walk along side that woman until she found confidence to help someone else. Something strange started occurring: whenever I shared my story within the rooms, I began to see how I was in fact ministering, and the reward I received was the gift of hope and freedom. I reminded myself where I came from, who delivered me, and the gift I was receiving. Unselfishly, I was giving of myself, and I was receiving the help I needed.

I came around when someone pointed out to me that I had a hole in my soul, an unhealthy desire to be accepted and to be affirmed in relationships. Moreover, if I were willing to address my issues, I would no longer be doomed to wander through empty places. I remembered being fearful and apprehensive before this program and how my fear and need to be approved caused me to react poorly in my relationships. My relationships went from start to finish before I knew it, from one extreme to the other. One moment I would be the life of the party, next a figure of complete solitude. Then there were times I became whatever the situation called for to receive acceptance. Day in and day out, I lived in this confusion. All I wanted was to be love, but not knowing what love consisted of, I became afraid, until I came to the rooms. I never imagined I could ever experience acceptance, even with my confused thinking. One of the many slogans they use is, We’ll love you, until you learn to love yourself.

The recovery program does not concern itself with ethnic or religious affiliations, nor was anyone concerned with age or gender. Not once did I have to agree to any terms or conditions. They told me to consider taking suggestions that were being offered. I could either join them or return to that life I had begun to loathe. The love and consideration that they so freely shared had to come from a power greater than they had. In the rooms were all sorts of people. There were homeless people, sociopaths, mandated, mentally ill, illiterates -- all being supported and supporting one another to help turn their lives around one day at a time. Truly, this Higher Power, who loves to heal and restore, had endowed some people with the ability to share His perfect love and the gift of restoration. God wants everyone to help, to encourage each other, and to live in peace.

There were dark circumstances from my past that brought me to a place in my life where I was left with no other option than to accept the suggestions. It was impossible for me to rid myself from the pain of my past memories stored in my subconscious for so long. I was a prisoner and a guard in my self-made prison of my soul. Dark and sordid consequences caused me to be fearful, angry, self-centered, and selfish. God didn’t or wouldn’t orchestrate the troubles I found myself in. Nevertheless, I dwelled within my negative self-will until I eventually desired change. The consequences of my actions caused me to seek relief and reactivate a fundamental belief that I’d had as a child.

My faith was very shallow. Sometimes it surfaced when I found myself trapped in uncomfortable situations. I would pray a foxhole prayer when I wanted to be rescued: Please get me out of this mess. Yet, no sooner freed from the dilemma, I’d return to the same insane lifestyle. Sometimes God acknowledges such pleas, and sometimes we are left to come up with our own plan to no avail. Once I surrendered to my life and accepted the solutions, it wasn’t necessary for me to spin those kinds of prayers. All that was required of me was to admit, accept, and change. I admitted that I was powerless and became willing to trust God, the Higher Power, and seek Him in all my affairs. I hadn’t yet realized that a destiny had been designed for my life, and somehow my personal experiences would project me into it. All I had to do was just surrender my life and allow God to direct me and become obedient to His purpose. I tried so many other ways to make it to the top and was never successful. I was always filled with anger, resentments, jealousy, envy, pride, fear, and feelings of being rejected. The sunlight of God’s grace could not penetrate my heart. All of that stood between God and me.

A couple of months before I began this book, I got a stirring, an unction to write about my spiritual encounters that I’d experienced. I had been having flashbacks of how Christ revealed Himself to me through certain encounters and how He brought me through some really rough times. Those were some amazing times and still very important to my spiritual growth. Knowing I had no experience as a writer, I continually shrugged off the feeling to write. Then one day, I started just jotting down some things that I had recently remembered. It was not my intension to write a book. I just wanted to keep a record for myself, so I would not forget how marvelous God had been to me. Before I knew it, this book began to take shape. It had always been a secret ambition to one day speak to women and let them know that some of us have experienced some of the same unpleasant incidents that we’ve kept hidden in our secret closets. That it is possible too open that closest and not be afraid of those secret hurts, fears, and painful events any longer. They can know God will send encouragement as they begin to grow more stable in their life’s walk. They can stop wandering in and out of empty deserts places of their lives.

When I began to write, my accounts were fragmented, yet I began to see a story coming forth. I kept telling myself, Who will want to read my accounts on how I found a sense of peace? They won’t believe my story. Only those who had some similar experience would nod their heads in agreement with what I was writing. Others would think I had gone to sea and was lost. I wondered who would be concerned about reading my life’s trials, tribulations, and victories. I even feared what those who knew me might judge me once I put my life on paper. Would they look at my arrogance and prideful behavior and count the sins I’d committed instead of acknowledging my redemption? Yet the urge kept stirring inside me, letting me know it was not about me. It was about the love of Jesus. Just knowing this helped to quiet those troublesome thoughts. I heard, Don’t worry about what others may think, just write. This prompting eventually became greater than my ability to resist it. I began thinking that maybe I did have something important to say. Then I justified my writings by saying, I could leave this writing behind as my legacy for my grandchildren.

As soon as I conquered the battle of what this book should be, my writing began to flow. For anyone who is searching for a solution of life and for contentment, this book has been written to show how I was able to overcome obstacles and do just that. If you’ve become tired of just existing in a wandering state of mind, with no real connection with others -- be it your family, friend, co-worker -- it possible for you to reconnect. When I reflected, I saw how empty and desolate my life was, with no real connection with friends or intimate loved ones, yet always I longed for someone to connect with me. I have overcome my obstacles acquired victories over my past.

I do not claim to be an authority on this subject. All I know is that I have overcome the obstacles that hindered my progress of being a partner or a friend. Maybe the process I have found can work for someone else. There may be someone who may want to know how to overcome the residue of their past and find purpose for your life.

Through these writings, I do hope to encourage you by sharing my story, so you will see that you too can become significant in your own eyes, even if no one thinks you are. I have also found a purpose in writing this book, a sense of personally trying to reach someone who has wondered through empty places and felt lost. I hope to illuminate the different kinds of deserts that you can dwell in and show you that there is a way out of them. You’ll never be able to change dry, arid, unproductive relationships, but you can learn to define them from productive ones and make better choices. This will help you to decide not to wander any longer through destructive relationships. You will stop looking outside of yourself for something to fill you up or make you complete. You will discover that peace you’re seeking has a source. And I hope you will better be able to define the kinds of deserts (relationships) you will enjoy crossing. You can let go of the ones that resemble empty, desolate deserts. Perhaps you are already sick and tired and just desire to have a relation where you are accepted for who you are.

First, self-gratification only manifests selfishness and self-centeredness, by using things like sex, drugs, alcohol, eating, etc. We are complicated people, and there will be times when we will seek self-gratification, with the end results will be to wander in troublesome relations. But it is not necessary to dwell in the pain if it is solution-oriented. Learn the lesson from those dead-end relationships, gather up strength, and just maybe it won’t be necessary to repeat the same mistakes. Every relationship has its own chemical make up. This becomes a fact when two people come together with their positive and negative agendas. The solution is that everyone ought to try to understand, forgive, and love one another, even when they can’t be perfect.

We must be honest with ourselves. None of us is without defects. Some are glaring, and others are tucked away deep inside of us, only surfacing when triggered by some unforeseen episode. Some of us are aware of these defects about ourselves, but instead of changing, we focus on what needs to be changed in someone else. We look at the other person and begin to make a to-do list of their defects.

At least, that was one of my problems. I began to place expectations on others, expecting them to change. I did not realize that it was not my job to correct someone else, but to be better myself. If this is how you have been relating, there is a better way, and it starts with looking within and seeking divine direction on how to put those ugly character traits in check. They will surface sometimes because self-improvement is a process.

There is someone who will help you to change. He will give you what you need to continue to work through situations in your life. He waits patiently to refresh your parched spirits, even though we thought it was all right to live dreary and unproductive lives in a parched and barren wasteland of our minds. This is possible, when you give up your pride and accept the marvelous love of God, who gives it to you in its fullness. I have discovered that it does not depend on how perfect you think you or your life may be. Nor is He concerned with how much money you have or how often you go to church. What it does depend on is your desire to have a personal relationship with Him.

Life will always produce trying situations that will make each crossing we encounter seem difficult. We were never promised a Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were the only ones to receive that gift. If you just make up your mind to seek a new direction, He will not only make your journey worthwhile, He will give your life a heavenly purpose that has been designed just for you.

I am going to describe some experiences from my life that eventually brought me to accept the suggestions placed at my disposal. Perhaps you will read some things that will make you question my actions, but please do not stop reading until those questions are answered. Some of my experiences were not delicate, but they are true. They placed me on the path that led me directly to the source of peace that I longed for. Everything that seems awful still has a purpose and can eventually be useful, especially when it makes you see yourself as you truly are.

I do not intend to disclose anything that will make me feel better at the expense of another person. I didn’t write this book to show how bad someone else was, but to show that sometimes life can be unfair, even if we didn’t or don’t deserve it. I will endeavor to be straightforward and honest about my affairs. This book is about God and me, how He showed me how to rekindle a relationship with Him and then with others. I want to share how I became a new creature in Christ by sharing my experience and each circumstance. I stopped feeling so lowly and worthless. I learned to hold my head high, thinking better of others with whom I connected and with and myself. I can now be responsible for my behavior and its consequences. My relationship with Jesus will be the portal from where I will be equipped to endure the rough and empty crossings that might come up later in my life. I will no longer be fearful. I’ll be able to discern others better because I will be shown how to trust Him first. He has become my fortress and my refuge. Out of all the gifts I’ve received, I’ve learned how to exercise discernment, which shows me how to protect myself from those who may not have my best interest at heart. I hope and pray that someone will recognize how God can and does provide everything you will need, even if you think you’re not worthy.

I pray that these words will touch your heart and bring you to a place where you will want to take this suggestion: But first of all seek His kingdom (aim at and strive after) and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides (Matt. 6:33, Amplified). I pray you will be given the courage to look at your life and to admit that change is good. Make yourself willing to be spiritually equipped with the tools that will bring about a marvelous change in your life. Let God into your heart, ask Him for whatever it will take to be able to go through your life prepared. He will provide you with everything you will need to pass through those barren and empty places that may surface. Up to this time you have not asked a [single] thing in My Name [as presenting all that I AM]; but now ask and keep on asking and you will receive, so that your joy (gladness, delight) may be full and complete (John 16:24, Amplified).

My hope is that, as I share my experiences, they will be used to bring you to an understanding that, no matter what you’ve done, you are still eligible to receive help. God can guide and direct you, providing a place for peace and serenity, just as if you were in an oasis. There you will be afforded rest, restoration, and freedom from your painful past. He will bestow upon you love that goes beyond comprehension. All that is necessary for you to do is sweetly surrender yourself to Him. Whether you know this or not, before we were born, God predestined the outcome of all our lives. Remove your self-reliance and self-will. Do not let them block the favors and blessings he has for you.

As I put my pen to paper, I hope you will see how God patiently and lovingly guided me through the process of change, step by step. When I became vulnerable, He protected me until the day I emerged a new person in Christ Jesus. I have a newfound hope. I embrace the gratitude that has come from discovering His faithfulness, mercy, and graciousness. I know that I will be provided for the rest of my future crossings. I discovered that I’m made significant through His love.

His plan for all of us is to become joyfully obedient to Him. I can now give my life’s details in writing. I give glory and honor to God my Father, to His loving Son, Jesus Christ, my Savior, and to the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

"If anyone thinks they are a prophet, or spiritually gifted, let them acknowledge that what I am writing to you is the Lord’s command." Cor. 14:37 NIV

"Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Rev. 2:15 NIV

"What comes from the heart goes to the heart." Anonymous

Chapter One:

In the Beginning

Wandering through Desert Places

Once I traveled from the other side of desperate thinking to sanity, I became curious about the God of my youth and present. How was it possible for people who were once at their lowest point in their lives -- some were agnostics or atheists -- to come to adhere to spiritual principles? How were they convinced to rely on a Higher Power? Some agnostics and atheists, who had a fundamental understanding of a God, who chose not to believe, change their mind-set and sought guidance from this Power. They became more than willing to trust Him. Never had I seen anything like that before. I had to go that same source that would answer all my questions: the bible. There were several books in the Old Testament that I’d found to be profound in their way of expressing how people that were lost found a God who gave unconditional love. I found that the books that displayed that the most were Exodus, Leviticus, and Numbers reading them were fascinating.

What interested me most were the scriptures that spoke of how great His love was for His chosen people, even when they did not do what He instructed them to do. He remained patient, loving, and faithful. He knew they did not know of Him, and they needed to be taught how to be obedient. I was amazed at how He disciplined them, yet did not forsake them. He did not just ask. He expected discipline as a part of their relationship with Him. And yet he continued to show His mercy to them because He knew their faith was still in its infancy stages. Only a loving God could love an individual in their sin and wait patiently for them to mature and come to understand Him.

This is what’s spoken of in the Book of Genesis. A promise was given to our primary spiritual parents, Adam and Eve, after sin had entered the world, a promise that a Redeemer, would enter the world and give His life so that atonement would be established between man and God (Gen. 3:15). In order for that promise to be fulfilled, He had to find a group of people He could use, a surrogate race. He chose Abram’s seed. God told him that his descendants would be too numerous to count, like the stars in the Heavens. Abraham died without seeing this accomplished. His descendants became nomads with no land to call their own. They wandered through the desert. Abraham had a son, Isaac, who had two sons, Esau and Jacob. Jacob had had twelve sons, one named Joseph. He was next to the youngest of the twelve. The jealousy of his brothers caused him to be wrongly sold to the merchant of a caravan, where he was sold again to the Pharaoh’s headman, Potiphar. Through his crossings, he was wrongly accused of molesting Potiphar’s wife and was tossed into prison. He never stopped worshiping the God of his ancestors. Through his godly gift, he was able to gain favor in the eyes of the Egyptian Pharaoh. He never knew the outcome, but he continued to honor the God of Isaac and his grandfather Abraham. His integrity and faith carried him through being sold to merchants, the trials of false accusation from Potiphar’s wife, being placed in a prison cell, and becoming a man of high prestige in Egypt. All this was according to God’s plan for him. Joseph was positioned so that no man ruled higher than him, except the Pharaoh. He had supreme authority, prestige, and power.

Trying times came upon the tribes in the desert, but God had already provided for them everything they would need. Knowing that he could no longer provide for his tribe, Isaac sent his sons to request food from the Egyptian Pharaoh. God put everything in place, so that when the famine came, Isaac would turn toward Egypt for food. Joseph had been positioned in the royal house, where he would be able to save his tribe from the famine. Joseph was permitted to move his people into Egypt, where there were plenty of storehouses full of grain. When he finally forgave his brothers for selling him, he told them, You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives (Gen. 50:20, NIV). While Joseph ruled in the house of the Pharaoh, his people were treated with dignity and as equals alongside the Egyptian people. They were allowed to sell and trade with merchants and be able to honor the God with no name.

Things eventually changed, the Pharaoh and Joseph died, and so did the lifestyle and leisure the Hebrews had once known. Privileges were removed. The book of Exodus explains that the Hebrew Nation had multiplied greatly while in Egypt, just as God had promised Abraham. When the tribe of Isaac entered Egypt, they numbered seventy people. However, they now numbered in the millions. This became a threat to the new Pharaoh; he feared the growth of these people. This new Pharaoh had to do something in order to have control over the Hebrews, so he devised a plan to stop them from increasing. He gave one of the most devastating orders ever written in the bible. He decreed that all newborn Hebrew males were to be slain. He appointed two Hebrew midwives, who lived among the Hebrews, to kill every newborn. Then the king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, one of whom was named Shiph’rah and the other Pu’ah, ‘When you serve as midwife to the Hebrew women, and see them upon the birth stool, if it is a son, you shall kill him; but if it is a daughter, she shall live.’ But the midwives feared God, and did not do as the king of Egypt commanded them, but let the male children live (Ex. 1:16-17, NIV).

Pharaoh’s decree was unsuccessful, foiled by the two midwives. They were not able to execute the decree because God placed mercy in their hearts. The Pharaoh decided that he had to find another way to control them. He then decreed that his soldiers were to throw every Hebrew male newborn from one day to two years of age into the Nile River. He revoked all the privileges that the Hebrews had and placed them into forced labor. The Hebrew nation was made to do tasks beyond their abilities. Pharaoh used the slave mentality to keep them weak and dependent. Angered by this atrocity, God caused them to increase even more. God’s prophecy to Abraham happened while they remain in captivity for 350 years.

A poor Jewish woman, Jochebed, gave birth to a male child and had enough courage to save her son by placing him in a wicker basket. She knew that if the Egyptian were to discover him, he would be thrown into the Nile and drowned. She told his little sister to set him adrift on the Nile River and to follow the basket to see where it would go. The basket floated into the bathing area of the Pharaoh’s sister, who smuggled him into the palace and named him Moses, meaning, to save out of water. The Pharaoh’s sister raised Moses as her own, affording him all the privileges of a prince in the royal house. While Moses was treated with high honors, the Hebrews were being mistreated with no rights or privileges. It had been three hundred years since the people had first come to Egypt. Because God had not responded to their prayer to send a Redeemer; some of the people gave in and accepted the customs of the Egyptians, and others began to betray one another. Others accepted their plight of being humiliated and controlled, being told what to do, how to live, and when to speak to those in charge of them. Yet there was a small remnant of loyal families within the Nation who held onto their faith. They held onto the promise of a Redeemer who would deliver them.

God decided the time had come for them to be delivered. He chose someone to represent Him in human form. This person would not come from amongst them. He would come from a place that no one would expect, right from under the nose of Pharaoh. He chose the prince of Egypt, Moses, whom the people saw as one of their oppressors. Moses had come to learn of his true heritage as a Hebrew, yet stayed with the Egyptians. But the day came when Moses had the opportunity to make a choice to either spare a life or take it. He was out riding in his chariot when he witnessed an overseer beating a slave severely. He could have reprimanded the overseer because of his position and authority. Instead, his rage and anger ruled him. He acted in haste and murdered the overseer. Even though God would not have wanted this to happen, He used the circumstances at hand to proceed with His plans, thus turning lemons into lemonade.

Moses now became a wanted man. He was forced to turn from his privileged life to a life of being chased and hunted because he had rescued a slave. His rage sent him into the wilderness, and his anger caused him to wander.

The desert offered no comfortable shelter, and the elements surely were against him: scorching sun, bone-chilling nights. He was in need of some affirmation, but there was none to be found in the wilderness, so he thought. He wondered where he could go. Where would he find water or something to eat? He escaped with no equipment to persevere in the desert. He had become accustomed to being served and bathed, his body pampered with scented oils, eating fresh fruits and meals cooked to his taste and sleeping on fresh Egyptian linens. He went from living in royalty to being banished.

The lesson of this story is that without God’s word in your life, you will be rejected. Without boundaries, there will be no healthy relationships, and circumstances will lead to separation. Moses was experiencing separation from all that he had ever known. He was right where God wanted him to be, a place where he would become willing to rely on Him. God sheltered and fed him, prompted him where to go. We never seek God’s help when things are fine with us, only when time turns sour. Then we look for a way out of the dark situation. Moses sought reliance on the Hebrew’s God, as he was trapped.

Moses was alone and possibly lonesome, until one day he came upon an oasis where he saw a well. He drew some water to drink, and tasting it, he found it to be sweet and fresh. He satisfied himself, and then located fruit upon trees. Then he found a cool shaded place under a large palm, where he spread his cloak and lay down on the cool patch of grass to rest. He had been led to an oasis to be refreshed and restored. It would be at this oasis that his life would take a turn. He was being prepared for the next desert crossing. While he rested, he had the opportunity to reflect over what had become of his life. I, too, questioned how he came to be sustained in the desert and the circumstances that caused it. He was still alive, even though many times he thought he wasn’t going to make it. He rested and probably wondered how and why he was being spared. He probably wished he had better control of his anger because he saw where it had brought him.

While he lay there pondering in the tall grass, he saw some women bring their animals to the well for watering. They did not see him under the trees, as they giggled and played while their animals drank. All of a sudden, some shepherds came along and started a ruckus, saying that they should move their animals because they were going to water theirs first. Moses lay quietly and observed the shepherds mistreating the women. Once again, the stirring came. Moses could not standby and see the weak being pushed around, so he intervened in favor of the women. Happy that they had found a savior in Moses, they invited him to join their father Jethro the Midianite at his camp. Moses agreed to sojourn to Jethro’s camp. He stayed and helped tend his flocks, while learning the ways of the God they worshipped on top of the mount. He also wed Jethro’s daughter, Zipporah.

You know the rest of the story, Moses was summoned to the top of Mount, where he met I AM, who encouraged Moses to go before Pharaoh and plead for the release of His people. Eventually we know Pharaoh was convinced to release the children of Israel. Moses was instructed to lead them into the wilderness, the desert, and the rest is, as they say, history. This story does apply to us. We think we are doing well, then a negative character surfaces, bringing forth results that we are not prepared to entertain.

In the readings of Leviticus, Moses redeemed the Hebrews, but while sojourning they thought they were crossing to go to a better place. They became disobedient and annoyed God many times. They wanted their comforts of Egypt back again. Their constant complaining and whining grieved Jehovah. God summoned Moses to Him and said that He had grown tired of the stiff-necked people. He was prepared to destroy them and use Moses’ lineage to bring about the promise that had been made. He felt he could no longer use the Hebrews. When God approached Moses on the mount, Moses had been timid and talked with a speech impediment. He stuttered. He knew he was not good with words, yet he trusted God and used his brother Aaron to speak to Pharaoh. But on this particular day, Moses spoke out to the Lord with boldness, courage, and respect, reminding Him of His promise, the one He made to Abraham. He asked God, Did You not tell Abraham that his descendants would be so great that no one would be able to count them? Also, did you not tell Abraham and Sarah that their descendants would inherit the land they lived on? (Ex. 32:11a)

Moses did agree with God that the people were stiff-necked and that He was right in judging them. He told God he should reconsider destroying them. Moses did not want other nations to speak negatively about the Hebrews’ God. They would say, Your God lured ‘His’ people into the desert to destroy them. Surely they would say the God of the Hebrew’s is not to be trusted. (Ex. 32:11a) Hearing this, God decided not to destroy them. Instead, He condemned them to wander in the desert for forty years. They would wander the desert until the fourth generation could no longer remember the sinful ways of their fore-parents. He would gently instruct them, showing them the ways to trust and rely on Him for all their needs. You in Your mercy and loving-kindness have led forth the people whom You have redeemed; You have guided them in Your strength to Your holy habitation (Ex. 12:14, NIV). He desired patiently to give them a new design for their lives, and they would honor Him. What God wanted most from them was for them to learn how to have a relationship with Him, to be obedient to Him.

Moses was given instructions, or commandments, from God for His people, principles that would set them apart from all other nations. These spiritual and moral laws would show them how to establish a personal relationship with I AM. They also were instructed how to live morally with their neighbors and the aliens (those of different beliefs and nationality) that dwelled amongst them civilly. They were also instructed on how to settle civil disputes.

In the forty years the children of God spent in the desert, they experienced trials and tribulations. They did not always get things correct the first or even the second time. God was not looking for perfection. He was delighted with their progress. He knew they could not follow the law perfectly. He wanted complete obedience, and this was the ultimate goal for them. It was not easy for any of them; they had to change from what they knew to what God wanted. God was patient with them because He loved them. They were told they would never enter the land promised to Abraham, as the promise would be for their children. They learned to become selfless for the sake of their children. What they did, they did that God would have favor on them. God hoped they would live out the statutes of the law and pass them on them to their offspring.

Even now as Christian parents, we are expected today to live out the statutes of the law so that our children might see and pass them on to their children. Somehow, some of us have forgotten our God-given role as parents. Today our children are wandering lost in their own deserts, which do not assure them a future where their children will not wander. It is not too late. We must try to bring our families back to spiritual principles and teach them to place God’s laws in their hearts.

Through the readings, I became interested in how they eventually surrendered to God’s teachings and re-established a relationship with Him. How they struggled with each ordinance because they wanted to hold on to the old concepts and ideas with which they were comfortable. These old ways kept them from entering the land promised. I was fascinated that for forty years God provide for the Hebrews and gave them provisions even though they grieved Him. He was patient and faithful to them. Whatever they needed, He provided for them. At times and unbeknown to them, they had sometimes wandered close to the proximity of their promise, but they never knew it. That was fascinating to me. I read about how their lifestyle was and knew I would have been grieved too. They seem to have short memories of God’s goodness toward them. Yet, He was patient, gentle, and nurturing with them. However, they could not fathom loving God or their fellow man with their whole hearts.

Sometime later, I remember noticing that a word kept echoing in my mind when I reminisced over the stories in the bible regarding the word desert. Now, here I am asking myself, "Why did Hebrew’s wander in the desert for forty years? It seems that God needed to get their attention and the only way to do that was to send them into a desolate places, away from all the comforts they’d known; a place where they would be empty. A lot of us may have had this happen. We are in the midst of a situation and we try to reach out for a friend, only to find that they cannot be found. When we reach out for someone to help us and there is no one available, we feel that we’re all alone. God has to remove all the people and things out of our reach so we could reach for him. If we reason correctly, we eventually call out to Him.

What did the desert have to do with me? I wondered, why did their wandering in the desert intrigue me? First, let me define what a desert consisted of. Here a brief definition of a desert: 1) an arid, sandy region capable of supporting very little life because of the lack of water or absence of soil; 2) any place lacking in something desirable, desolate, barren (Webster and Thesaurus pg. 177). Why was the desert so important to God?

I was fortunate enough to take a trip to Tucson, Arizona, for my birthday one year, and I took my grandsons. We stayed on a dude ranch on the fringes of the Saguaro National Park. The park is a desert being preserved because of its large cacti called Saguaro. They grow sometimes two, maybe three stories high. While horseback riding through the park, I noted how very dusty, arid, and hot it was. There was no evidence of water for miles, and yet there were all kinds of vegetation conditioned to survive in that climate. While there I learned that the animals that dwell in the desert stay in their dens and lairs until the sun goes down. Most of the animals are nocturnal. When I saw some of the snakes, spiders, and mammals that only came out at night, I was relieved that I was safe during the extremely hot days.

It was evident that I would never be able to survive in a desert. I’d become too comfortable with the lifestyle I was living in the city and the things my community had to offer. I still could not reason why the word desert seemed to keep coming up in my mind. What did it have to do with me? I could not come to any understanding, so I prayed and asked God to reveal to me why this particular word echoed in my mind. I continued to write, even though I was somewhat baffled. I was sure of one thing, I knew only about city dwelling. I could survive quite well in a thriving urban community. Whatever I needed to survive, there was never a lack of it. There are drug stores, fast-food restaurants, and convenient stores on just about every corner. There is always ample food, water, and other comforts. Why did that word linger in my mind? There had to be some kind of connection. I just did not know what it was.

Then I received a breakthrough, like a flash of lightning. I, like Moses, had made some irrational decisions in my life, and the consequences left me wandering. My life consisted of unproductive, barren relationships that resembled desert crossings. All my life, all I ever knew was how to wander in and out of desert-like relationships. I never had true friendships and I had enjoyed only one intimate relationship that had any meaning. My social life was empty, desolate, and barren. I’d become comfortable wandering and persevering day-by-day.

Little did I know that the residue of my past was possibly the cause for me to act like a wandering nomad. I yearned to collaborate with others. I didn’t like feeling lonely and being aloft. I tried to please, satisfy, or make someone’s day, so that they would like me. I wound up still thirsting for a need to be close. Little did I realize how thirsty my soul really was. I thirsted for something I couldn’t identify, but I thought I could find it in relationships. Whenever I crossed those empty deserts, I did not have a clue what to do or what information I would need to survive them. The very first concepts I received in trying to connect with others originated in my home. My primary relationships were with my mother and father, and later with my sisters. The character traits and behavior I learned only showed me how to destroy or sabotage relationships, not how to make them fruitful and productive. If I didn’t get some new information, I would be doomed to wandering aimlessly through more barren and empty deserts. I came to a conclusion that I was seriously ill-equipped on how to relate with others.

It was clear what was happening, I had received a revelation about myself. The metaphor of the desert became significant because it represented my relationships. There wasn’t one relationship that brought out the best in me or the other person. I started to feel insecure whenever I was confronted with finding out what I wanted. Either I felt like a victim, neglecting happiness and myself, or over-reacting, becoming demanding, and having high expectations that no one was able to meet. I wondered why everyone else seemed to partner well with others and it didn’t seem like a task for them

Whenever I engaged in a friendship, I always seemed to be trying so hard to make things work. Whenever they ended, it always seemed as if I had been working on a job. I wanted to connect with other people and not have to work so hard at it. . Everyone else seemed to have what I was lacking when it came to having a blissful relationship; I wanted to know what it was. Not only had I read the bible and studied it, I scanned the self-help sections in bookstores. There were books that were informative, most pointed to the fact that my primary relationships were influential in setting the foundation for how I perceived others. I was curious how my primary relationships established the criteria for how I related. I suspected that I might have some traits that could be identified as Reactive Attachment Disorder. The clinical society states, Some of causes for RADs are: Babies who seek comfort from a caregiver but are met with hostility or abuse become confused and conflicted — wanting closeness but turning away from it for fear of rejection or harm. (Reactive Attachment Disorder"; Mayo Clinic.com)

Sad to say, some of those characteristics did apply to my mother and me. With this new information, I recognized that I needed to retrace my past and possibly find there the personality that came into being in my early childhood. I thought I