Making Her Own Decisions

By J. LaMarr

Making Her Own Decisions is a memoir written to provide readers with a unique insight into prison relationships. J. LaMarr not only discusses the forbidden possibility of falling in love, but he also offers a testament that prison relationships can grow and evolve into meaningful and satisfying unions.

In his book, J. LaMarr talks about the manipulation and deception involved in many of the relationships that he has been in throughout his incarceration, and also on becoming committed and dedicated towards making them work. He also offers advice to those who are considering becoming involved with anyone in such an unfortunate position. Above all, Making Her Own Decisions is a true testament that not all prison relationships fail.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Aug 14, 2005
• ISBN: 9781412228084

J. LaMarr

J. LaMarr was born and raised in Chicago, Illinois. He was raised on the South side of Chicago, along with four sisters. He received his education from Carl Sandburg College, Rend Lake College, and his degree from Lake Land College. His passion for writing has been inspired by the restless state of adversity that he has faced for over seventeen years.

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© Copyright 2005, J. LaMarr.

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

Note for Librarians: a cataloguing record for this book that includes Dewey Decimal Classification and US Library of Congress numbers is available from the National Library of Canada. The complete cataloguing record can be obtained from the National Library’s online database at:

www.nlc-bnc.ca/amicus/index-e.html

ISBN 1-4120-3792-1

ISBN 978-1-4122-2808-4 (ebook)

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Contents

Acknowledgements

Introduction

Impossible

Non-Contact

Contact

Old Flames

Finality

Dedicated

to my wife

Acknowledgements

Your author is indebted to many people for the development of this book. To my mother and father who have always supported me, I love you both. To my sisters, I love you all. For those who gave me the motivation, thank you. I also apologize to others for the long wait.

To Cory and Denise Robinson, thank you for your support. I also appreciate those who had faith in me. And to the many women who gave me reason, thank you for the experience.

And to my wife who is my better half, my best friend, my confidant, my truth, my everything, my all, my world, I love you eternally. You’re something to die for.

Introduction

Is love all that you need? Do you think that you could survive simply off of love? Yes? No? Whenever you have done something for someone, was it based solely upon love?

So many people claim to know love, but they have the slightest idea as to what love is. So many claim to be in love, but they only speak out the side of their neck. I look around the visiting room of the prison that I reside at and I see so many couples who seem to be in love.

Most people believe that saying I love you at the end of a telephone conversation is appropriate because it sounds good to the ear. They believe that writing I love you at the end of a letter is what they’re supposed to do because it seems so sweet. They believe that telling you I love you when departing is what you want to hear. But they have no idea as to what love truly is. They wouldn’t recognize love if it sat in front in of them. Yet many will say that love is all that they need.

But what about you? You defied your friends. You left your family behind. You forgot about your own life. Can you honestly say that you did all of this in the name of love? Your friends told you not to believe in him; that he was a liar, a manipulator, a cheater, a man who would do you wrong, but

you defied them all. You told them that it was your life and that they should worry about their own.

Your family asked you not to leave. They told you to stay. But you wanted to be closer to him. They told you that they would disown you, but you didn’t care. He was all that mattered to you. You tried to explain to them how you felt, but no matter how hard you tried, they just couldn’t understand. So you left.

You left your friends, your family, your life; all in the name of love. That’s what you’re saying. Oh, you are so strong. You gave up everything to gain everything. You did all of this for love. You’re a true fan of love. Not many can do that.

You’re broke, you’re strugglin’, you’re tired, but you’re in love. You’re okay because you have love in your life. That’s all that matters to you. Love is what completes you. Not your work, not school. Love is what completes you. So I have to ask you, is love enough for you? Because you understand that after love, everything else will follow. But only if you know who and what love truly is.

Love is not a four letter word. It’s not what you think it is. Whether you know it or not, love has been staring at you since your first sacrifice in its name. Love comforts you when you’re weak. Love smiles back at you. Love listens to you vent. There he is, sitting right in front of you. But you have to be careful. Love can be dangerous. Love can be very demanding. He can seem to never be satisfied.

He seems to always want more. He’s like a big baby sometime. He needs nurturing. He needs to be fed, for he only wants to grow. That’s his trick. He never wants to stop growing so you must give him what he needs. Feed him. Feed him as much as you can. But be aware. Love will give you anything. He will promise you anything, but he always want something in return. Love can seem very selfish, for love wants you all to himself. But he’s there for you. He’s always there for you. Who am I? Love. My name is Love. His name is Love. He who sits before you is Love in the flesh as you are the same to him.

Making

her own

Decisions

Impossible

How can you love a person with whom you haven’t seen in almost a decade? J. J. Never heard their voice. Never saw them smile. Never experienced anything sexual or otherwise with them. How can a person who you basically know through words be your favorite person?

I’ve asked myself these questions over and over for the past month now. It’s crazy to me. Unheard of really to me. I mean, I started having feelings for Julio by the third letter he sent. He was just so smooth, and seemed so cool. Then he sent the pictures which made me remember how cute he was. And the hair; I love it!

After talking with Julio about different subjects, I realized how real and sincere he was. After ‘the situation’; after telling Julio and him being there showing so much emotional support, I realized how much I really liked him. And with time, my feelings seemed to get deeper. I didn’t want to admit it to Julio, myself, or anyone. It’s hard to say it now, but I finally told Julio. I feel good about that. But then it’s like; what now?

I hate how we met; or rather how our relationship came to be. The circumstances… I have all of this love for him, yet I feel I can’t really express myself. It moves me at times. I don’t want to hurt/disappoint Julio, but after looking at the

whole picture, it seems inevitable.

Julio is an important part of my life. I will always be his fiend; that he can rely on. If something came about and I got involved with someone, Julio would still be in my life. I cant see myself just completely giving up on him. If I move, he’s moving with me. I feel the need to include him in everything.

I sometimes wonder if I should have contacted him at all. Would it have been better for him? Or me? But then we’re so close and such good friends that I don’t regret it at all. I just hope our friendship survives the test I’m being put through right now. I hope Julio will always be there for me. He is one person I feel so comfortable talking with.

I’m just so confused; I want to scream. I don’t know what to do. My mind is consumed with thoughts of me and Julio. But then reality sets in and it hurts. Will I be forced to choose 2nd best if I cannot wait on Julio? Why me? Why this? I have all of these thoughts, but I don’t know where to put them. Why now? Why like this?

So I’m writing my thoughts down and it seems like I’m going crazy, but I’m not. I’m just in love with someone who I can’t have and it hurts. To want a person the way I want Julio, there are no words to describe it. Julio is my best friend, my savior, and someone that I trust a lot! In his last letter, he said something that kind of stuck with me. He said something like he’s not trying to get in my head; only that he made his way into my heart because there was room and a sign with his name on it. It was the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me.

Julio always says the right thing. It’s like he’s too good to be true. Why me? And why this? The main two questions I keep asking myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about everything and still on this particular issue, I still have no answers. I don’t know what to do.

If there was only someone I could talk to… but I can’t discuss this with anyone. No one would understand. And I don’t handle criticism too well; especially on a sensitive subject like this. I’ve expressed to Julio how I feel, but not entirely. I want to, but I don’t know how he’ll take it all. I believe he’ll understand but... I don’t know. I’m confused about what to do.

I’ve been reading this self-help book and it starts off talking about; ‘How can you please someone and try to make them happy when you haven’t pleased yourself’? I feel I am still searching and working on myself. I need to satisfy me? But at the same time right now, I need Julio. It’s almost like he’s become my security blanket.

I have faith that things will turn out the way they’re supposed to. And if in the end it’s not Julio I’m with; as long as we’re friends, that’ll be fine. I’ll always love him. I’ll always care for him and be here for him. But if we ever just stopped talking completely, it would hurt a lot.

I don’t understand how I feel this way about a person that I haven’t went out with. It scares me in a way. Words are SO BIG and so much more than we all think. Who would think you could fall in love with a person through letters? But I’m living proof And I feel good about it. Yet, I’m somewhat confused. Even though I can’t honestly get Julio out of my mind, I need to try. I have to take some time out for me so I can look at this whole thing and decide then what to do. I just sent Julio a letter saying we need to slow down a bit. I tried to explain, but I doubt I did a very good job. I wish I could explain to him exactly how I felt.

I want to open myself up completely. Maybe I’ll send these thoughts... but that’s a big MAYBE. But he needs to know everything; he really does.

Her name was Vanita and she contacted me out of the blue. I sat in my 8x12 cell trying to figure out; Who is this girl saying that she knows me? I don’t know anyone who lives in Michigan. Her first letter was short. She explained to me that she was related to an old friend of mine. She wrote that while visiting her uncle whom I had known, she came across a photo of me that I had sent to him. She told him that I looked familiar, in which he told her that she should know me considering how much I used to come by his house.

She told me that her uncle had given her my information after asking if it would be all right for her to write me. Her uncle was about four or five years older than she was. When she returned to her house in Jackson, Michigan, she got my current place of residence off the internet. That’s when she wrote me. But I still had no idea who she was. I mean, I knew her uncle, but he had a large family. He had about five brothers and four sisters. Most of them were already grown with kids. It was hard trying to figure out which one of his nieces she wrote me.

I hadn’t seen her in almost ten years. So which one was she? I had no idea at all. I then began to think real hard. She said that she was about ten years old when I last saw her, which meant that she was now grown. I then began to try and envision all of Al’s nieces. Al was Vanita’s uncle; my buddy. A few girls then came to mind.

I responded to Vanita’s letter and I tried to narrow down which niece she was. She wrote back and told me that my guesses were wrong. She also told me that she had a huge crush on me and used to watch me every time I came by her uncle Al’s house. I just couldn’t figure out who she was. But I was determined. It was just a matter of time before I finally realized who she was.

In her third letter, she sent me a Polaroid photo of herself. Damn, she really looked familiar! I sat down and stared at her photo all day and night. I then realized who she was. It was hard, but I finally got it. I remembered a little light skinned girl who use to always sit on Al’s front porch as if she was shy. I remembered seeing her playing in the front yard a few times with the rest of the kids.

It was hard trying to figure out who she was even though I had a photo of her because she was a woman now. The little girl I remembered wore skirts and blouses all of the time. Al’s family was very religious with the exception of him. He was a gang-banger. The females in his family never wore pants. They only wore skirts and dresses. But the picture I now had of Vanita displayed a female who wore blue jeans, a down-coat, with a pair of female, Timberland boots on.

I wrote Vanita back and told her that I had finally remembered who she was. She wrote back and told me that I was right. While I was trying to recollect my thoughts as to who Vanita was in my first few letters, I also wrote about other things. Our first few letters to one another were simple, yet kind of deep. We talked about our likes and dislikes and what type of individuals we were. We discussed the general things in getting better acquainted with one another, but Vanita seemed to ask a lot of questions in her letters which brought out the best in me.

Throughout my incarceration, I read and studied many things. I learned many things about religion, psychology, sociology, and relationships. I also read many self-help books. In each of Vanita’s letters, she always inquired about something dealing with religion, people and relationships. From the very beginning, it seemed as if Vanita was in search of someone she could vent to and learn something from. I knew what she wanted and I was going to give her just that; everything she wanted. I was going to be all that Vanita wanted and needed me to be.

My plan wasn’t to use any manipulation or to make her into my girlfriend. But it was hard. She was very beautiful. She stood about 5’ 8" and had a very petite body. She was light skinned with shoulder length hair, and had a very pretty face. I wanted us to become more than just friends, but the circumstances stood in my way. The last time I saw Vanita, she and her family were living in Chicago. Her and her family were now living in Jackson, Michigan. She was also a young woman who had a lot ahead of her. In addition to that, I was incarcerated serving a thirty-four year prison sentence for murder; one I hadn’t committed.

So how would