Cuckoo Elementary

By Dave Kelley

This is the story of a third grade class at Prairie Dog Elementary School in Funnyface, Colorado. There's Jamison who loses everything, Invisible Randall, Jay who accidentally sets the room and his pants on fire, and Allen who thinks he's a movie star. Laughs abound in this warm, inviting, and imaginative ride through a school that is truly cuckoo.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Dave Kelley
• Release date: Aug 5, 2010
• ISBN: 9781311667083

Dave Kelley

Dave has always been able to walk and chew gum simultaneously.

Book preview

Cuckoo Elementary

By Dave Kelley

www.cuckooelementary.com

for Maris

Table of Contents

Preface or Pre-face? Pg. 5

Mr. Mahoney Pg. 8

I, Your Name Pg. 10

Jaylbird & Iggy Pg. 17

Jimbo, the Smartest Kid Pg. 23

Music Class with Mrs. Baloney Pg. 27

John R. and John T. Pg. 32

Dogs to the Rescue Pg. 36

Hank McMannerly Pg. 40

Allen the Entertainer Pg. 44

Author’s Chair Pg. 48

The Bacon Lady Pg. 51

Mr. Zoompapa Pg. 54

Digging a Whole Hole P. 62

Boys with Bedhead Pg. 66

Dog Writing Pg. 72

Hobart & Scruffy Dog Pg. 79

Agent Two Bazillion (Part II) Pg. 84

Fonetik Alfabet Pg. 87

Mr. Principal Pg. 89

Roy’s Grand Canyon Pg. 94

Mrs. Baloney Loves Baloney Pg. 100

Our Halloween Party Pg. 106

Roy and Jamison Pg. 113

Heinz Time Pg. 119

What Homework? Pg. 130

Jungle Time Pg. 136

Chimp off the Old Block Pg. 141

Tomorrow’s Pet Day Pg. 146

The Principal’s Daughter Pg. 151

Hobart’s Stories Pg. 156

Donna’s Homework Pg. 162

Agent Two Bazillion (Part III) Pg. 167

Invisible Randall Pg. 172

More About Iggy Pg. 176

Sally’s Story from Iggy’s Point of View Pg. 180

Spontaneous Combustion Pg. 185

A True Story Pg. 187

The Last Chapter Pg. 193

Epilogue Pg. 195

Preface or is it Pre-face?

I’m not sure why I’m writing a preface. The name itself sounds silly. What is a preface? Is it the same as a pre-face; a prior face; a face you wore before you put on the face you’re wearing now? As a kid I always thought the word preface was pronounced pre-face. I usually tried to read the pre-face but after the first two or three sentences I either fell asleep or began to daydream. So, I usually skipped the pre-face and went directly to chapter one. I think a pre-face would be a lot more fun if we called it a pie face. As soon as you start reading the pie-face, you get hit in the face with a cream pie. That would make your pre-face the face you wore before the pie. Your pre-face may have been clean (mostly) and your pie-face would be covered with custard or whipped cream and several different sized pieces of flaky crust. Of course, that’s assuming it isn’t a pi-face, or a 3.14 face. That’s a math face. It’s the expression you get on your face when somebody gives you a math problem that is extremely confusing. My pi-face is the face I get when someone gives me a problem that sounds like, Two trains left Pittsburgh and Seattle at the same time but they are three time zones apart so when can I get a muffin?

The concept of a foreword always confused me, too. Literally, I guess it means the words before the book. Duh! Maybe my book should carry a forewarn, a foresight, a foretell, a forfeit, or a four-toed sloth. My forewarn is, This book is silly. My foresight is, This book will make you laugh at least once. The fore-tell is "Cuckoo Elementary will not predict the winner of the Super Bowl". The forfeit is how much you paid for the book and the four-toed sloth is my Uncle Jeremiah. He’s sitting on my sofa right now eating all of my Oreos and drinking my very expensive bottled water. But the joke is on him because it’s tap water I put in bottles with expensive labels. Ha ha. I love water in bottles with expensive labels. It’s wonderful and sometimes enchanting to drink cool, clear water from a natural spring in Hairy Arms, Montana or Chapeau, France. If bottles of bottled water had forewords you wouldn’t be able to get a drink until you had opened the bottle cap before the bottle cap. But why do they call them bottle caps, anyway? They don’t look like caps. Caps have visors. They should be called bottle beanies.

The dictionary says a foreword is the same thing as a preface. But the dictionary doesn’t say anything about a pie-face. So, if a book has a foreword and a preface then one of them must be the words before the words before the book. Here are my words before my book, Cuckoo Elementary:

The prelude flows into the preliminary preamble with preposterous, pretend presumptions. If you prefer you may prevail after you predict who will proceed to the premier, taking all previously discussed precautions in preparation for protection from precocious pupils. This will prevent plum preserve stains from being present after the pre-soak.

Mr. Mahoney

We all think Mr. Mahoney used to be a chimpanzee. I don’t mean he looks like a chimp, although he is pretty hairy. But sometimes he walked around the room like a chimp just for fun. When he did that he looked like a big, funny ape in a necktie. The first time we walked into his classroom, Mr. Mahoney waited for us to be seated and quiet.

Then he looked right at me and asked, Jenny, do you know how to make chimp lips? I wasn’t sure I had understood the question. I expected him to ask me something like, Do you like science? or Who is your favorite author?

I said, Chimp lips? All of the other kids laughed. You mean like a monkey?

Oh, no, said Mr. Mahoney. Monkeys have tails. I mean chimp lips. It’s easy, just turn your bottom lip down then stick your tongue out and up so it is against your top lip. I was amazed. After we all followed his directions I looked around the room and saw 25 kids with monkey faces. But that wasn’t the end of it.

Mr. Mahoney said, While you are making the face, you have to shake your head and make chimpanzee ook-ook noises. We did. At the same time, Mr. Mahoney continued, extend your right arm straight out and let your right hand dangle at the wrist. Then shake your hand rapidly.

That’s when I remember thinking; this is going to be a fun year. Boy was I right.

I, YOUR NAME

Whenever Mr. Mahoney gave us a complicated assignment he asked us to repeat his directions. That way he could tell if we understood what to do. Sometimes we had fun by changing the words. One day it went like this:

MR. MAHONEY:

Okay class, repeat after me.

KIDS:

After me.

MR. MAHONEY:

I.

KIDS:

I.

MR. MAHONEY:

Your name.

KIDS:

Your name.

MR. MAHONEY:

No, not your name.

KIDS:

No not your name.

MR. MAHONEY:

Just say your own name.

KIDS:

Just say your own name.

MR. MAHONEY:

Sheesh!

KIDS:

Sheep!

MR. MAHONEY: (with rolling eyes)

Do hereby solemnly swear,

KIDS:

Do hereby sadly smear,

MR. MAHONEY:

to work quietly and cooperatively.

KIDS:

to work loudly and crazily.

MR. MAHONEY:

and to obey the Scout Law.

KIDS:

and to obey the dog’s paw.

MR. MAHONEY:

even if surrounded by your nutty buddies.

KIDS:

Even while eating nuts and putty.

MR. MAHONEY:

So, when it’s time to shine.

KIDS:

So, when your slime is mine.

MR. MAHONEY:

I expect you to do your best.

KIDS:

I expect you to lose your test.

MR. MAHONEY:

Help someone who needs help.

KIDS:

Help someone who needs to belch.

MR. MAHONEY:

And don’t cry unless your pants are on fire.

KIDS:

And don’t hide your ants in a tire.

MR. MAHONEY:

And if your pants are on fire I’ll know you’re lying.

KIDS:

Liar, liar, pants on fire, nose as long as a telephone wire.

MR. MAHONEY:

I don’t want to see anarchy.

KIDS:

Who’s Anne Arky?

MR. MAHONEY:

She’s the lady who surrounds little third graders who are goofing off...

KIDS:

She likes to ground up little third graders who are spoofing golf...

MR. MAHONEY:

when they are supposed to be researching the Trojan War.

KIDS:

and typing while the Trojans roar.

MR. MAHONEY:

Be that as it may,

KIDS:

Every day in May,

MR. MAHONEY:

Mr. Mahoney expects all voices to be soft,

KIDS:

Mr. Mahoney expects all voices to be lost,

MR. MAHONEY:

all working to be hard,

KIDS:

all work to be lost,

MR. MAHONEY:

and all pencils to be sharpened.

KIDS:

And all pencils to be lost.

MR. MAHONEY:

If you lose your pencil we will never find it here. The room is too much of a mess.

KIDS:

If you lose your lunch money your mom will never call you dear until you confess.

MR. MAHONEY:

Therefore,

KIDS:

There five,

MR. MAHONEY:

Or, if you prefer, there-five,

KIDS:

Therefore,

MR. MAHONEY:

You must answer this question before the week is over.

KIDS:

You must think about working before you play with Rover.

MR. MAHONEY:

Is the Trojan War myth or history

Jimmy Jackelheimer sat quietly for a minute. Is the Trojan War myth or history? Hmmmm, he said to himself. A moment later wrote down his answer.

Yes!

Jaylbird and Iggy

Sometimes, while Mr. Mahoney taught us about Vikings or Colonial settlers or light years, he would suddenly do the chimp wave and chimp lips or walk around the room like an ape. He said that whenever he did that, we could do it, too. That’s how Mr. Mahoney could tell if we were paying attention.

None of us third graders would ever pass up a chance to act like an ape. If Mr. Mahoney gave us the go ahead to walk around like a chimp and one or two of us were doing something else, he knew those kids weren’t listening. We loved our time in the jungle. Mr. Mahoney said it helped us relax so we could be ready to learn. But one day, it didn’t work out exactly the way Mr. Mahoney planned.

Early in September, Jay Petunia (also known as jaybird, a.k.a. jailbird) decided he should take his ape impression to another level. Jailbird started jumping around. Yes, around. Around everything. He jumped around desks, chairs and computers. That wasn’t enough for Jay so he jumped on top of things. He jumped on his chair, his desk, the counter in our small kitchen area and then onto the drapes. You see, he wanted to use the drapes as a vine and swing onto the cubbies, something he thought a good little chimp might do. But sometimes good ideas just don’t work out.

When Jay jumped and grabbed the drapes, his weight pulled them down and out of the wall. That sent him crashing into the cubbies. It turns out the cubbies weren’t made to hold the weight of jumping students. He knocked one over with a huge CRASH and put his foot through another one, just missing Sally Kukla’s pet iguana she had brought in for show and tell. After that, Jay spent two