The Man Who Found Birds among the Stars, Part Four: Survivor

By Lorinda J Taylor

Capt. Nikalishin has recovered from the Darter Disaster, received command of his own Mars ship, and married the woman of his dreams, yet his struggles with loneliness, misunderstandings, and dissatisfaction continue in spite of his many friends’ efforts to help him. His wife proves to be hard-hearted and manipulative, while the revelations that come with the loss of his mother do nothing to improve his mental state, and the persecutions of his vindictive commanding officer exacerbate his problems. His health declines and he takes increasing refuge in alcohol. He knows nothing about the existence of the new interstellar program as government officials wait for him to prove himself still capable of commanding a starship.
Will Robbin Nikalishin's "core of character" save him, or is his life really at an end?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lorinda J Taylor
• Release date: Jan 22, 2018
• ISBN: 9781370904075

Lorinda J Taylor

A former catalogue librarian, Lorinda J. Taylor was born in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and worked in several different academic libraries before returning to the place of her birth, where she now lives. She has written fantasy and science fiction for years but has only recently begun to publish. Her main goal is to write entertaining and compelling fiction that leaves her readers with something to think about at the end of each story.

Book preview

THE MAN WHO FOUND BIRDS AMONG THE STARS

A Biographical Novel

Part Four

SURVIVOR

By

Lorinda J. Taylor

This is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. However, the person presenting this book does not guarantee that such characters and events will not come into existence at some time in the future.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Cover illustration by Lorinda J. Taylor

Copyright © 2018 by Lorinda J. Taylor

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

I dedicated Part One of

of this weighty saga to

Neil Aplin

and I do so again with Part Four,

because it marks the farthest Neil read

when the work was in progress.

Neil, you have more coming!

Table of Contents

Synopsis, Parts One, Two, and Three

Facsimile of the 29th-Century Title Page

Final Goodbye

Chapter 1: Clarity, Too Late

Chapter 2: No More Words

Chapter 3: Emergency Leave for the Captain

Chapter 4: Do Not Resuscitate

Chapter 5: Sad Protocols of Death

Chapter 6: Turning the Knife

Chapter 7: In the Loop

Chapter 8: Sterling’s Perfume

Chapter 9: A Loving Wife

Chapter 10: A Different Kind of Silver Beam

Chapter 11: Pneumonia

Chapter 12:

Chapter 13: On Shaky Ground

Chapter 14: Minie Dill and the Lost Boys’ Club

Chapter 15: The Return of High Feather

Crash

Chapter 16: Archie Haskins and His Asteroid Vest

Chapter 17: High Feather to the Rescue

Chapter 18: Betrayal

Chapter 19: Behind-the-Scenes Maneuvering

Chapter 20: Twelve Lashes at 1300h

Chapter 21: The Truth Dawns

Chapter 22: Adm. Soemady Sticks by the Captain

Chapter 23: The Robbie Faction Plots

Chapter 24: The Pineapple Metaphor

Chapter 25: Adm. Soemady Bluffs Col. Nicewanger

Chapter 26: The Board of Command Votes Another Tie

Chapter 27: Preparing for the Second Vote

Chapter 28: A Different Type of Disciplinary Action

Chapter 29: Teeter’s Revenge

Chapter 30: The Captain Joins the Lost Boys’ Club

Chapter 31: The Captain’s Chair

Chapter 32: The Phenix Board Meets in Emergency Session

Chapter 33: Slapping at a Gnat

Chapter 34: Final Descent

Redemption

Chapter 35: The News Reaches Earth

Chapter 36: A Piece of Garbage

Chapter 37: The Broken-Winged Eagle

Chapter 38: A Visit from Dr. Winehandle

Chapter 39: Maj. Haruko Oglemann, Spec. Military Law

Chapter 40: High Feather Pays a Visit to the Brig

Chapter 41: The Equations of Memory

Chapter 42: Gathering the Threads, with the Help of a Cat

Chapter 43: Searching for His Core of Character

Chapter 44: Confessing His Sins, 28th-Century Style

Chapter 45: Self-Absolution Cannot Work

Chapter 46: The Right Way at Last

Chapter 47: Capt. Nikalishin Summons His Attorney

Chapter 48: Capt. Nikalishin Changes His Plea

Chapter 49: Soemady and Oglemann Conspire

Chapter 50: The World Reacts

Chapter 51: How is the Weather in Novosibera?

Chapter 52: Every Big Fish Has Its Bigger Fish

Chapter 53: Adm. Teeter Complies with Orders

Chapter 54: The Perfect Penalty for the Captain

Chapter 55: The Deciding Vote

Chapter 56: The Captain Learns His Fate

Chapter 57: Carrying His Own Weight

The Captain Serves His Sentence

Chapter 58: An Unexpected Assignment

Chapter 59: A Lasting Love

Chapter 60: A More Alarming Assignment

Chapter 61: Aboard the Ore Freighter Hell’s Gate

Chapter 62: Unconditional Reprieve

Chapter 63: Wilda to the Rescue

Chapter 64: Returning to Normal

Chapter 65: Omens

Chapter 66: Ouroboros

Appendix: The Mythmaker Precepts

Synopsis

Part One: Eagle Ascendant

Part Two: Wounded Eagle

Part Three: Bird of Prey

Born in 2729, Robbin Nikalishin spends the first 31 years of his life obsessed with flying to the stars. After he is recruited for the nascent interstellar program, he is given command of his own ship, backed up by his childhood friend Kolm MaGilligoody as his Chief Engineer. His dreams are on the brink of being fulfilled when a new Commanding Officer changes the agenda and forces the crew to risk their lives in a meaningless experiment. The result is a catastrophe; the ship becomes interdimensionally fused with an asteroid and Kolm dies pinned in the wreckage. [Part One]

Wounded physically and mentally, Capt. Nikalishin struggles to overcome the aftereffects of the Darter Disaster and to find fulfillment in a life where his dream of flying to the stars has been lost. With the help of many friends, he returns to interplanetary flight and achieves success as the Captain of a Mars ship. [Part Two]

Capt. Nikalishin remains lonely and dissatisfied, however, and unable to cope with certain secret phobias and misunderstandings that haunt his existence. When the woman of his dreams abruptly reappears, he woos and weds her, hoping to find a soul mate to assuage his loneliness. However, Fedaylia High Feather turns out to be a controlling and manipulative woman incapable of the understanding that the Captain hoped for. [Part Three]

In Part Four, Fedaylia reveals her true colors and Robbin Nikalishin’s life falls apart. Is there any hope that he can turn things around and regain what he has lost?

Facsimile

29th Century Title Page

THE MAN WHO FOUND BIRDS

AMONG THE STARS

A Biographical Fiction

Issued in the year 2849 as

Part of the Commemoration

of the Fiftieth Anniversary of the Death of

Capt. Robbin Haysus Nikalishin

(10 May 2799)

Part Four

SURVIVOR

by Tania Barden

Fellow, Brassnose/Queens’ College

Oxkam University

Published by

The Midammeriken Publishing Link

New Washinten, 2849

Final Goodbye

Chapter 1

Clarity, Too Late

5-6 November, 2765

It was drizzling outside, a cold November drizzle that penetrated through every layer of clothing and got into the joints. But Robbie felt none of that as he rode the lift up to the hospital’s fourth floor, to the Special Care Unit where his mother lay. He was feeling only the numbness of shock and the clutch of panic. His mother had lost the power of speech and there were things they should have said to each other!

As he stepped off the lift and stared distractedly up and down the hall, a woman at the med station spotted him and hastened over. You’re Capt. Nikalishin.

Yeah … yeah … that’s who …

Let me give you a few details about your mother’s situation before I take you to her room. I’m Dr. Flower, the SCU’s Chief Physician. We believe your mother may have been stricken some time during the night because she was clothed only in a nightgown when she was discovered. It was an intracerebral hemorrhage, associated in her case with a blood vessel malformation. Such congenital defects can remain undetected for years and then cause trouble without warning. It occurred on the left side of the brain and so has impaired the right side of her body, and it has inhibited her speech. I believe she must have been right-handed.

All of this was registering in some part of Robbie’s brain, but it was not making much of a conscious impression. But … but she’s going to be – all right? She’ll talk again … she’ll be able to talk after a while?

Sir, we can’t say just yet. She’s in guarded condition and I must be honest with you – her survival is in doubt. We’re doing everything we can to support her, and if she makes it through the next twenty-four hours, then we’ll have to see where we go from there.

Surgery … Can’t you do something with surgery?

We immediately employed certain radiosurgical procedures to seal the lesion, but the hemorrhage was many hours old and the damage had been done. And her general physical condition is very frail. She’s extremely underweight for her height – less than 50 kilos – and appears to be suffering from nutritional deficiencies. She’s anemic and has a kidney infection. A pity – she’s only 59 years old … Captain, the MedVacs who brought her in didn’t take time to search out any documentation, although they did bring along Ms. Nikalishin’s handbag, which contained her ID. That supplied us with your name as a family contact. Do you know if she had any preferences regarding the employment of life support, should such … ? Sir?

Robbie had groaned and reached out to clutch the doctor’s arm. Then she’s – on life support now? She’s in a – a coma?

Actually, she’s breathing on her own, and intermittently conscious. That’s rather surprising, considering the severity …

God almighty, doctor, I’ve got to see her! Can’t you take me to her before things get even worse?

Of course, Captain. Come this way. But please remember – she can’t speak.

As Robbie had stood listening to the doctor and now as they traversed the corridor, something was letting go inside of him … rearranging itself, falling into place – clearing away twenty years’ accumulation of confusion and denial …

He entered the room ahead of Dr. Flower and saw one of the specialized scanning beds that were used in SCUs, and all the monitoring equipment that surrounded it, and a couple of MedTechs bending over the figure that lay upon it. They turned as the pair entered and the doctor said, This is the patient’s son, Robbin Nikalishin. Let’s give him a few minutes of privacy with his mother, what?

The medical people exited and Robbie stood alone, hunched into himself in dread, gazing down at the woman on the bed. Sterling was hooked up to drips and monitors and she had oxygen apparatus in her nose, but she was conscious and she was staring back at Robbie with enormous, frightened eyes. Her mouth was crooked and it was straining open, and her fine, silvery hair lay loose on her shoulders like an elfin cape. She seemed made of bones and fragile skin, with the flesh already returned to the star-born molecules of its origin.

And Robbie quavered, Mother? I had to come … I never said goodbye.

A little sound came out of her … a timid, inchoate gargle. And her left arm came up, reaching out to him …

And then the last pieces locked into place and the last of the murk was swept away and Robbin Nikalishin could see with lacerating clarity how things should have been …

He stumbled toward the bed. Mum … Mummy … I’m sorry … Half kneeling, he crouched over the bed and Sterling’s fingers touched his smooth-shaven cheek almost wonderingly. Perhaps she was seeing her adolescent son, returned to her.

And he gathered up the body of the woman who had given birth to him and rocked her in his arms. Small, mewling sounds, desperate to shape themselves, continued to trickle out of her, and her left arm wrapped itself around his neck, clinging with surprising strength, even as the right arm lay like stone at her side. In Robbie’s arms she was like a moonbeam, evanescent, silvery, fading away from him across a vast expanse of space …

Mummy, I’m sorry – I’m sorry for the things I said … that bad thing I called you … And it was as if he had said that thing only a day ago, or a moment. I’m sorry … it was wrong … I should have said – I understand – I love you – there’s nothing to forgive … Can you forgive me? Say you forgive me, Mummy, tell me you forgive me …

And she made the desperate noises, but she couldn’t make the words that told him she forgave.

He was sobbing against her shoulder, amidst her hair. I love you, Mummy, I love you so … You were my beauty … my silver beauty … coming in the night to comfort me … and then suddenly it all seemed to go away … But I love you … don’t leave me … I lost so much and I never got it back … and now I see I could have done it … but it’s too late now … too late … too late … Sobs racked him as he almost crushed her in his embrace. Her arm continued to clutch his neck with furious maternal strength.

Then a hand gripped Robbie’s shoulder. Captain, put her down – her vital signs are all over the scale. Now, that’s all right – thanks. Will you come out for a minute?

Dr. Flower and the MedTechs were tugging Robbie away, out of his mother’s embrace, away from her enormous silver gaze. As they were drawn away from each other, their eyes continued to cling together. Mummy, don’t leave me … don’t leave me … I love you …

She’ll be here, Captain. Come on out in the hall.

They informed Robbie that they could provide a room for him on the fifth floor if he wanted to stay near his mother in the hospital. There were port facilities in the room and a dining bar available on the first floor, and he could visit her frequently and keep instantly informed as to any changes in her condition.

But Robbie rejected that. Now that the gaze of those eyes was not holding him, terror was invading his soul. Everything he could have done but didn’t … all the changes he could have made in their relationship but didn’t … those things were swarming around the scalding clarity of the truth he had only now become capable of acknowledging: Sterling had never been at fault! The fault had always been his own!

He clutched at Dr. Flower. You take care of her, doctor. Don’t spare any expense. Don’t ever stop trying to keep her alive. You understand?

Of course, Captain. I take it then, that you know she would want that.

She’s got to live, doc. You’ve got to make her talk again. You’ve got to, you understand?

We’ll do our best, Capt. Nikalishin, but we can’t guarantee anything. And I was wondering if you could answer some questions for us. We can’t find any medical records on her for the last five years – I’m quite certain she’s been neglecting herself. Did she live alone? When was the last time you saw her? Were you struck by any recent changes in her physical condition?

Robbie had turned away from Dr. Flower. I can’t answer your questions. Just take care of her. I have to get out of here for a while. Anything – anything she needs. I’ll stay in touch … And he blundered away blindly toward the lift.

*****

At 0500h High Feather was muttering savagely to herself as she shouldered her duffel to head out for her Lunar shuttle. Then the door opened and there was her husband in the entranceway, swaying a little.

Well, for god’s sake, Rob! Where have you been all night?

Walking. Mostly … walking.

What? Walking! What’s the matter with you? Are you drunk again?

He had stumbled into the room and stopped, visibly shivering. Feddie, she had a stroke. My mother … she had a stroke.

Fedaylia stared. Oh! You’ve been in Lunden? At a hospital? Didn’t it ever occur to you that you ought to ring me up and tell me where you were?

She can’t talk, Feddie. Robbie’s face screwed up and he staggered slightly.

She can’t talk? From the stroke? God, you look awful. You sure you’re not drunk?

Robbie had shucked off his coat and let it drop on the floor, and now he made it to the couch and collapsed on it, rocking his head in his hands. Feddie, you’ve got to help me. Can’t you be a real wife to me and help me?

Well, Rob, you picked a bad time for a crisis, she said, her voice edged with exasperation. I’ve got just thirty minutes to make my shuttle. I can’t hang around here.

He was gnawing his lip and twisting his fingers together. Don’t fly, Feddie. Call them. Tell them … an emergency … They’ll relieve you of duty. Tell them – I need you to stay.

She laughed. "That’s just stupid! I’m not going to do that! In the first place, if they think you’re that bad off, they’ll relieve you of duty – maybe permanently. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Besides, I really can’t miss a whole flight just because you want somebody to hold your hand for a couple of hours."

Feddie, you don’t understand. My mother … won’t talk to me … ever again …

"You said one true thing! I don’t understand! You’re always yelling at me to keep my mouth shut about your mother, and how you’re glad you never have to talk to her again, and now all of a sudden it seems like the most important thing in the world to you! You’re such a waffler, Rob! You’re the most inconsistent man I ever met!"

Fedaylia, don’t talk to me like that …

She hitched the duffel higher on her shoulder. Well, I’m sorry, but I have to go. You’ll just to have to weather this one on your own, Rob-bin. Or maybe you should call the Psych Wing – head-peelers are good at holding hands, aren’t they? Anyway, it’s getting later by the second, so I’m saying goodbye. I’ll be back on the 11th of December. I hope you can get your problems worked out before then.

And so Robbin Nikalishin’s dream wife went off to fulfill her military duty and left her hero to confront his demons unsupported.

*****

It was Saturday morning in the Murchy household. Ordinarily, the mornings of half-days were no different from weekday mornings; many people worked and schools were in session until noon, although for most students special activities filled the time. May’s First Form group did art projects or went on little field trips, and today the twins’ natural science teacher was taking her students to the Lunden Zoo, where they would get to observe genetically engineered white bear cubs from the extinct-species breeding program.

Since the denizens of hostels had to eat no matter what day of the week it was, Wilda often worked the whole day on Saturday, and once in a while she even took a Sunday shift. In compensation, she sometimes got all of Saturday off, and this was one of those days. Whenever that happened, Dickon let her sleep late while he got the children up and made their breakfast and escorted May to school. Usually Wilda was awake anyway, chafing to get up and make sure everything was proceeding properly, but she never let on about that, figuring it was good for Dickon to feel he was doing her a great big favor. Today, however, as she heard the final hullabaloo in the living room, she hopped out of bed and went downstairs in her wrapper to see everybody off.

A rather distracted Dickon pecked her on the cheek. Augie and Julie have already dashed off – they can hardly wait to set eyes on those bears! Here, May, you need your waterproof – it’s drizzling, and it’s cold, too. Lovey, you’re lucky to be able to stay in the house today.

Well, yeah, but I’m planning to meet Robbie at the Old Foxy about 1100h for a quick visit. I should be home about the same time you are. And I’m going to clean up the house and make a spice cake, and tomato barley soup to go with that liver you brought home yesterday.

Yuck! said May.

Well, I know you don’t like liver, sweetheart, but you like to scrape off the onions and eat ’em! And everybody else likes liver, so I’ll just cook you a little chopped beef patty. How’s that?

That’ll do, said May, grinning up at her mother from inside her rain hood.

With her family out of the way, Wilda trotted back upstairs to get dressed. Presently she descended again and was heading for the kitchen to start her cake when the com beeped. Now who could that be this early? she thought. I hope Sloe’s whole kitchen staff hasn’t come down with a virus …

Glancing at the chronometer, which read 0754h, she grabbed the com piece off the sofa arm. Wilda Murchy here.

A voice said something she couldn’t understand, but she knew immediately who it was. What? Robbie? Is that you?

Wilda, you’ve got to come over here …

Robbie? What’s the matter? You sound awful! Are you sick?

Wilda, I’m trying … to keep control … You’ve got to come over … please … you promised me …

To your flat? Where’s Fedaylia?

She’s gone. She left me.

"She left you? You mean, she left you?"

She left me alone and went off to space.

Oh! I thought you meant, really left you … Wilda laughed a little shakily, because he was worrying her.

It’s the same thing. She’s never willing to help me. Please … please come over here and keep me from … Wilda, I’m sitting here trying to decide which would be less painful – drowning or cutting my wrists …

Wilda squeaked. "Robbie! What are you talking about?’

I’m going to kill myself, Wilda. Please come, because I don’t want to die, but I’m afraid I’ll do it … if I have to stay here alone …

My gaw, Robbie! Panicked, Wilda stood waving one hand while she gouged the com piece into her ear with the other. "What happened? Maybe you’d better – maybe I’d better – call the MedVacs!"

No! They’ll take my ship away from me if they know what I’m going through. You can fix me, Wilda. Just come … you promised you’d always be there for me …

And it’s true, I will! Now listen to me! I don’t want to walk in on anything bad, you understand what I’m saying? Right now, I want you to go over to the outer door and unlock it so I can get in no matter what. Do you understand?

Yeah …

Get up, take the com piece with you, and unlock the door. Are you doing that?

Yeah. It’s unlocked now.

All right! Now go back and sit down on the couch and wait for me. Don’t get up or do anything. Just sit there and keep hold of the thought that Wilda Mull has never stood you up in your whole life. You understand? ’Cause I’m going to have to catch the train and it’s going to take me at least forty minutes to get there.

Yeah. Wilda, I love you, darlin’. Please just come and give me a reason why I should keep on living.

Chapter 2

No More Words

6 November, 2765

Wilda had never been to Robbie’s current residence and she was out of breath and in quite an agitated state by the time she located it. A lot of people were moving through the corridors and some of them looked at her a bit askance as she approached the door and pressed the beeper. Undoubtedly they were wondering who this civilian woman was who was visiting Capt. Nikalishin so hard on the heels of his wife’s departure, but such a concern was far from Wilda’s thoughts, because Robbie wasn’t coming to the door. She tried the latch and found it open, even as she had instructed Robbie to leave it. She let herself in and there he was, slumped on the couch, staring at her out of stunned, bleared eyes.

She patted her heart. Oh, Robbie! It scared me when you didn’t come to the door.

Wilda … you told me … not to get up off the couch …

She laughed emotionally. That’s right, I did, didn’t I? You’re a good, obedient boy, Robbie Nikalishin.

His face contorted at that, and he dropped his head so his chin rested on his chest.

Wilda’s eyes raked the room. Robbie’s greatcoat was lying in a heap on the floor, smelling like damp wool. But the odor of whisky was stronger, and Wilda saw a bottle smashed near the table, its liquid contents sprayed across the floor. A big piece of jagged glass was glinting on the table.

Robbie saw where she was looking and he said, I dropped the bottle – I didn’t break it on purpose. But I picked up that bit of glass, and that’s when I got to thinking about – about slashing my wrists with it … The longer I stared at it, the more drawn in I got … and that’s when I got scared … His voice quavered into silence.

Wilda went and sat down beside him, taking his hands between her own. They were cold as ice. Robbie, what in the world has happened to make you want to commit suicide? I know you’ve been a bit down lately, but …

It’s my mother, Wilda. Yesterday she had a stroke.

Oh, Robbie …

And she can’t talk – she can’t talk any longer … I’ll never hear her voice again … I’ll never hear her say … ‘I forgive you’ …

Oh, Robbie …

That control that Robbie had mentioned on the com was breaking down rapidly and he began to cry. He continued to utter words, but Wilda couldn’t understand him, and she simply put her arms around him and held his head against her shoulder while he sobbed out his pain. He needs to get it out, she thought. Explanations can come later.

But when the storm of his emotion gave no hint of abating and seemed rather to be moving toward hyperventilation, she began to get alarmed. Gar, what’ll I do if he gets really sick and passes out on me? I’m no doctor. Sh-h-h, Robbie, hush now, you’ve got to stop crying so hard. I’m afraid I’ll have to call the medics and I don’t want to do that …

That got Robbie’s attention and he pushed away from her. No, don’t, Wilda. They’ll take my ship away … it’s the only thing I’ve got … Don’t let them do that … And he sat pawing his swollen eyes and gasping. An occasional sob still shook him, but overall he seemed to be getting a handle on himself.

I’ll get you a wet cloth, said Wilda. Let’s see – I guess the bathroom’s through here.

Don’t leave me alone, Wilda.

Don’t fret, love – I’m not going away.

Presently, she was back with a wet washcloth and she swabbed his face with it as if he were her little boy. Now, can you talk to me? Can you tell me what happened?

Robbie took the cloth out of her hands and continued to mop his eyes. They found her on the floor of her flat. She didn’t go to work and so they called … And she’d had a brain aneurysm and … she’s paralyzed on the right side so she can’t talk. They called me – when was it? – in the afternoon … yesterday afternoon … to come to the hospital … New Brent ... Her ID still had my name on it. She left my name on it, even though she … told me … no more son … His face contorted again.

It’s all right, Robbie. Just take your time.

I went to the hospital and – and she was awake … She may die, Wilda, it’s really bad … But she was conscious when I got there and … Wilda, I – I know now … I know what’s been wrong. I suddenly understood everything, but … He was struggling to get the words out, as if he couldn’t breathe. … because, you see, sudden understanding is more excruciating – than the confusion had been.

Wilda waited, knowing she had to let him talk himself through the pain at his own speed.

After I saw her, I left the hospital and I wandered around Lunden all night.

All night? Gaw, in this weather? You didn’t get any sleep?

He shook his head. I wasn’t outside the whole time. I went in some pubs, but I only had a couple of beers, because I thought – I thought if she were to die and I had to do something – I couldn’t be falling down drunk … And I rang up the hospital twice during the night – or maybe more than that, I’m kind of hazy … Distractedly Robbie scraped the hair back from his forehead. Anyway, they just kept telling me that she was the same, in and out of consciousness, and so when the pubs closed, I just wandered the streets and sat on park benches. And – god, once a security team stopped and asked for my ID … Fear flashed through Robbie’s eyes. God almighty, I didn’t really care at the time, but if that gets back to Teeter … I mean, how to explain the fact that kotty Capt. Nikalishin was sitting derelict in the fog on a bench in Lunden at two in the morning?

Well, I think you could make a good case for it, Robbie.

Anyway, after that I went and sat in the rail terminal for a while, and finally I decided I would have to either go back to the hospital or go home. And I just lost my nerve – I didn’t think I could face her eyes again right then … and so I got on a train and I came back here. And … His eyes squeezed shut.

And Fedaylia had already left?

No, she hadn’t – if she had, I wouldn’t have felt so bad. But she was just about to go out the door to board the Lunar shuttle, and I asked her to stay, Wilda. I begged her to call in for emergency leave … and she wouldn’t – she wouldn’t – she wouldn’t help me … Would a real wife have done that? If somebody really loved you, would she have done that – left you alone when you needed them most?

Aw, Robbie. Wilda pulled him into her arms again. I can only say, I never would have. There are a lot of people who can fly ships, but not so many whom we love.

There was a moment of silence, while Robbie simply rested his exhausted soul in his old love’s embrace.

Then Wilda said, Robbie, when you said you suddenly understood everything and that was more excruciating than being confused – what did you mean?

Oh … You know about this terrible estrangement between my mother and me, Wilda, but when I saw her lying there, dying maybe, not able to talk – it was like – revelation … I knew exactly what had been wrong all those years – and I just picked her up in my arms and I – I begged her to forgive me and I told her I loved her … and … Wilda, you know what? You know what’s ironic? I’ve always wondered what love really is, and I’ve thought maybe I was beginning to understand it a little, but I never understood until that moment … The strongest love I’ve ever felt in my life was for my mother – for the person I couldn’t bear to be around.

After a fresh bout of sobbing exhausted itself, Wilda said softly, When you asked her to forgive you and you told her you loved her, could she understand what you were saying? Because if she could, it must have been a great balm to her soul.

Oh, Wilda, she heard me … but you see, she couldn’t talk …

How did she act?

She had her arm around my neck and she was hugging me … and she made these little noises – these awful little noises, like an animal just beginning to understand that it might learn how to talk someday …

Gar, Robbie, that’s pitiful. But it sounds like she understood and I think she must have forgiven you and loved you back. I’m sure she didn’t disown you in her heart. She’s your mother, Robbie, and most mothers have to be pushed pretty hard to disown their offspring, but it doesn’t take much to make them relent, either.

Robbie sucked a series of helpless breaths and then sat quiet for a moment. And then he said, But words are important, Wilda. And I’ll never, ever be able to hear her say she’s forgiven me.

She may get her speech back. Stroke patients sometimes do.

He shook his head. "The doctors aren’t hopeful. But I did push her hard for all these years, Wilda. I understand that now. You see, I never could forgive her, either. I never could forgive her for – for something that happened twenty years ago. I always blamed her for what went wrong between us. And then last night, when I saw her there, it struck me like – like an electric shock: it wasn’t her fault at all! All these years, the bad relationship that we had – it was all my fault! And that’s what had eaten me up for so long. I always felt guilty – I always sensed I was a bad son – but I couldn’t come to grips with that because it always seemed that what she had done was so much worse and was responsible for the way I was. I always appeased my own guilt by telling myself she was guiltier."

Robbie ran out of breath and Wilda sat silent, not fully understanding but willing to wait for him to work it out.

I never felt comfortable with her after the thing that happened. It was like – like there was a big ulcer in my mind, and being with her rankled and rubbed it, so that it was so much better to simply stay away. And I never could treat her like – like a human being. Even before, when I was a little boy, I was always in awe of her. The way I loved her was … like the love you’d have for a god. She was always this wonderful, awe-inspiring being – this alien being – that could only be worshiped. But afterward, she became – well, something else entirely. If I had only treated her the way I treated any other female acquaintance. If I had only gone up to her when we met and given her a kiss on the cheek and called her ‘darlin’ and just talked to her about any little thing … and brought her little presents … and remembered her birthday … and rung her up without feeling like it was a painful obligation … and called her ‘Mum’ the way Kolm thought I ought to do … Robbie bent his head, squeezing his hand tight across his eyes.

Then he looked up with a gasp, staring straight ahead at nothing. "And if I had just said Mummy, I’m sorry, I misunderstood before, and it’s clear to me now why you did what you did, and I can see I’m the one who’s to blame for our bad relationship, and I beg you to forgive me … But now … You see, Wilda, now that I finally understand what went wrong, you’d think I’d feel cleansed and at peace, but what good is understanding when the time when you could have put that understanding to use has slipped away from you? That’s why I wanted to kill myself."

Robbie, said Wilda softly, what did your mother do that changed her so much in your eyes?

He spread his hands in a negative gesture. No, I won’t go there – I still won’t go there. It’s pointless now, anyway. But this thing happened when I was so young – not long after my sixteenth birthday – and I guess I have a case of arrested development, because my adolescent reaction to it never changed. The relationship between Robbin and Sterling Nikalishin never grew past that moment.

And Wilda didn’t push him to talk about that mysterious event, thinking he was probably right. What had happened was much less important now than its aftermath.

Instead, she said, Maybe it’s not too late for you to act, Robbie. Even if she never regains her speech, you can show her you love her. You can take care of her.

Take care of her! You mean – physically? Live around her and … Robbie shuddered.

Well …

God almighty, Wilda! Nurse her? Play MedTech to her? With those eyes looking at me all the time, and – touching her body … ? I couldn’t – I just couldn’t! I’m not that strong or that good a person … Panic was flaring in his eyes.

Take it easy, Robbie, you don’t have to do that. But you can at least make sure she’s taken care of properly and has the best doctors and therapy, and if she has to be in a care facility, make sure she gets into the best possible one and never wants for anything.

Robbie was listening tensely and now he said, Yeah, I can do that. I’ll be sure to do that. But it’s a pitiful small thing to do when you’re trying to make up for twenty years.

And you don’t have to stay away from her now. Like you said, you see how you should have treated her all those years. You can start that now, even if she is incapacitated.

Yeah, I can do that, too. I’ll have to do that. But again he shuddered. It still won’t be easy, Wilda. Last night, how I acted was purely spontaneous. But I can’t fake spontaneity, and I’m so afraid I’ll slip back into old habits – get self-conscious with her – especially because she’s going to be so different now …

Robbie, I think it’ll come, because you’ll have changed, too.

At that moment the com beeped. Robbie jumped out of his skin. I’ll see who it is, said Wilda. Where’s your port? Oh, I see it. … Gar. Robbie, it’s the hospital.

A noise weltered out of him, even as she was answering the port. This is Capt. Nikalishin’s residence.

Uh – is the Captain there?

Well, he is, but he’s a little bit under the weather.

Is this his consort?

No, my name’s Wilda Murchy and I’m a close friend. Can I give him a message?

So she listened, going, Uh, huh … uh, huh … Gaw … All right, I understand. I’ll tell him. Keep in touch, Dr. Flower.

When she came back into the living room, Robbie was sitting on the edge of the couch glaring at her. That was the doctor who’s taking care of your mother. She said to tell you your mother suffered a second stroke and has slipped into a coma. She’s still breathing on her own, though – they haven’t had to put her on life support.

He continued to stare at her, and she went to him and once more put her arms around him. Robbie …

This time he didn’t cry. He just clung to Wilda and whispered, "You see, it is too late, darlin’. I’ll never be able to make amends to her. I’ll never be able to hear her voice or even talk to her again. My punishment will always be having to live my whole life knowing I committed a terrible wrong that I can never rectify."

I still say, Robbie, when you talked to her yesterday, she understood and she forgave you. I’m just as sure of it as I’m alive. And maybe with time, you’ll come to realize that, too, and it will help you find some kind of peace.

Chapter 3

Emergency Leave for the Captain

6-15 November 2765

Wilda was horrified to learn that Robbie had eaten nothing since the previous noon, so she ferreted out some tinned soup in the kitchen and served it to him along with toasted cheese and a glass of soymilk. He dutifully ate for her, conveying the spoon to and from his mouth like a zomboid. Finally Wilda said, You’re absolutely worn out, Robbie. I’m putting you to bed right now.

There was no fight left in him and he simply let her steer him into the bedroom. Wilda, don’t leave me. I mean, I know you’ll have to go sometime, but if I should go to sleep, don’t go away without waking me up and telling me, all right?

I certainly won’t, love. I’ll ring home and put a message on the port for Dickon. He’ll come in with May about 1300h and he’ll get shook up if he doesn’t know where I am. I can stay till late in the afternoon at least. You don’t mind if I tie up your com?

Darlin’, you can do anything you want. I’m so grateful to you.

No more talk about suicide? … Robbie?

He laughed shakily. I guess not. But don’t leave quite yet.

Pretty shook up herself, Wilda tucked him up and closed the bedroom door so her com talk wouldn’t disturb him. Then she left her message for Dickon and, wrinkling her nose, began to clean up the broken whisky bottle.

The com beeped again. She lunged for the com piece, not wanting the noise to wake Robbie. Hallo?

A fractional hesitation. Have I keyed Robbin Nikalishin’s ID incorrectly?

No, I … Wilda dived into the port niche and saw on the screen that she was talking to Jivanta Soemady. Oh! Admiral! This is Wilda Murchy.

Another pause. Um. Ms. Murchy. Where’s our Captain?

He’s, uh … Wilda decided there was no point in prevaricating with Adm. Soemady. He’s asleep.

Asleep. Is he sick?

Well, in a manner of speaking. He didn’t get to bed at all last night. His mother – she lives in Lunden, you know? – she had a stroke and is in hospital, and he was over there the whole night.

Oh, I see. Well. What a pity. I wish he could have let us know. He was supposed to have his pre-flight certification physical at 1030h this morning and when he didn’t show up, the medics contacted me.

Oh, my gaw. I didn’t know that. When is he supposed to fly?

On the 10th.

The 10th! Oh, blimey. I don’t think he’ll be up for it, Admiral. Then Wilda realized what she had said. Damn. I shouldn’t have said that. Robbie wants to fly more than anything … But it’s true. He needs to be on Earth right now, taking care of things …

Hmm, said the unflappable Admiral. Does he require emergency leave?

Oh, I think it would be best, sir. Now that’s just me talking. He may get really upset when he learns I said that, but the hospital called awhile ago to say his Mum has gone into a coma, and there is a pretty good chance she won’t make it, and if she doesn’t, there’ll be funerals and business arrangements and property to dispose of and who knows what else, and he can’t be doing those things when he’s in space.

Oh, I quite agree, Ms. Murchy! I’m not Robbie’s enemy, you know.

I know that better than anybody, sir. And I know you’re wanting to talk to him, but he really needs to get some sleep. He was pretty – well, overwrought when he called me.

Let me see – is his wife off-world?

Yes. She just left this morning, as a matter of fact.

Well, then she’s probably still on Luna. We can have her flown back.

Oh, I wouldn’t bother, Admiral. You see, he saw her before she left and she chose to go ahead and leave anyway, even though he … Well, let’s just say I don’t think she’d want to be hauled back.

Umm. I believe I understand. Would you ask the Captain to ring me up as soon as he’s capable of it? If it’s after I leave the office, he can call me at home. I’m putting the ID through now.

Oh, thank you, Admiral. You’re a brick, you know that?

A soft laugh. As are you, Ms. Murchy. Goodbye.

So Wilda set the flat in order and scrounged herself a bite to eat, and after she was sure Dickon was home, she rang him up and vented a bit to him. When she apologized that there would be no tomato-barley soup or spice cake or liver and onions for her family that day, he said, That’s all right, lovey. When I got your message, I dragged out a block of beef chop – I know how to get a liver out of a calf carcass, but I haven’t the foggiest how to cook it. I’ll whip up a pasta-beef scramble and stick the last of the salad makings in a bowl. May’s thrilled about that, since it means there won’t be any liver smell in the house.

Wilda laughed. You’re the third brick in the load, Dickon.

Huh?

Never mind. You know those oat crisps I’ve been hoarding in the back of the freezer to take to Dad on his birthday? Why don’t you just break those out? I can make some more.

Whoopee! That’ll make everybody happy! But, Wilda, stay as long as you need to, but if it’s after dark when you leave, I’ll come over there for you. It’ll be safe for May to stay with the boys for a couple of hours, and I don’t want you walking to and from the terminal by yourself.

*****

Robbie woke up at 1700h, about the time Wilda was beginning to think of leaving. As she fed him another quick meal, she told him about Adm. Soemady’s call.

He sat scrubbing the back of his neck and shaking his head. The cert physical … Bloody hell, I completely forgot about it. How’s that going to look on my record? Wilda … He shuddered. I don’t know – I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fly this round. How can I go into space thinking that she’s lying back here in a coma and might die while I’m out there? Or that she might wake up and I wouldn’t get another chance to … And if she does die, I daresay it will fall to me to make arrangements. I don’t know anything about her affairs – whether she has a will – who her lawyer is … She may have named somebody other than me to take care of things, for all I know.

Wilda said gently, I got really presumptuous, Robbie, and suggested to Adm. Soemady you need some emergency leave.

His eyes snapped to her. You did! What’d she say?

You know Adm. Soemady. She agreed with me. But she wants you to call her.

Robbie took a long, shaky breath. Yeah, I guess I’d better. What time is it? Maybe I can catch her before she goes home. He got up and moved toward the port niche.

Robbie, you seem a little – well, steadier …

I slept hard, Wilda, and I didn’t dream, and that’s a blessing. It’s amazing how all the stiffening goes out of you when you’re sleep-deprived. He sat down and keyed in the ID of the Personnel Liaison Office, and Maj. Chalmers put him through to Soemady almost before he could say his name.

Captain! I was so sorry to learn about your mother’s situation.

Yeah, well, it happened suddenly, sir, and I forgot about the physical. I can’t make any excuses – I just forgot.

Oh, I quite understand. Some types of events take priority. Ms. Murchy told me earlier she thought it would be wise if we extended you some emergency leave.

"Do you think you could? I mean, it won’t jeopardize my standing, will it? Will you have to give command of the Solar Wind to somebody else for this mission? I’m so possessive of her, Admiral – I hate to think of another Captain on my Bridge."

"That’s Adm. Lekoa’s decision, of course. But whether or not the Solar Wind flies in this rotation, she remains your ship, Captain, and a temporary leave of absence won’t put your command in jeopardy. This is hardly the first time a ship’s commander has had a family emergency and needs to miss a flight; it happened a couple of times with your predecessor, Capt. Linch. So that needn’t be one of your worries."

I appreciate that more than you can know, sir, but the question is – how will Adm. Teeter feel about that?

It’s a matter of long-standing policy; Adm. Teeter can’t justify not according you the same consideration he’d give any other officer. Now, I’ll talk with Lekoa and she’ll get in touch with you tomorrow to confirm things. Oh, tomorrow is the Off-Day. Why don’t you leave a message on her office com, outlining your needs and letting her know the best time to contact you? It will be forwarded to her at home.

Yeah, I don’t know what I’ll be doing tomorrow. I don’t know anything at this point. Holy grief, Adm. Soemady, it’s wonderful what an understanding person you are.

Well, Command isn’t made up entirely of heartless demons, you know Consider yourself on leave as of this moment. … Robbie, are you going to be all right? Do you need any other kind of assistance or support?

If you mean head-peelers …

Well, there are all kinds of support we could provide … legal help, monetary advances, medical transportation … And medical attention and counseling for yourself are certainly in the mix.

The legal and all that – I don’t know yet. And as for myself, I’ve got Wilda, Admiral. I don’t think I need anything else.

Well – but she’s not a doctor or a psychologist.

She’s my true friend, sir. That’s the best thing of all.

Ah, yes … I think you may be right.

When Robbie came out, Wilda was putting on her coat. I’ve got to leave now. Dickon is coming about 1900h and I’m to meet him at the building entrance. I hope he doesn’t get lost finding the place. He’s not as familiar with this part of the Base as I am, and I had a pretty hard time locating it.

Why is Dickon coming?

H doesn’t want me going home in the dark alone. I wouldn’t really mind, but …

Oh! Bloody hell, Wilda, I’ve got to be the most thoughtless and self-centered man that ever lived. I never even thought about how you were having to trot around in this weather and at all times of the day and night! I could have escorted you home myself.

"Don’t think a thing about it, love. Dickon can use the exercise, and you need more time to rest and get your bearings. Robbie, you will be all right, won’t you? I don’t want anything bad to happen because I left you alone. Then I’d have something to regret for the rest of my life."

Robbie took her hand and hugged it whimsically against his heart. Don’t worry, darlin.’ I think I’ve got control of that spasm – for the moment, at least. And I would never do something to give you that kind of regret. I’m a good, obedient boy, remember? If you tell me I have to live, Wilda, then I guess I have no alternative.

Would you mind if I had a key to this flat? I know that Fedaylia probably wouldn’t like it, but she doesn’t need to know.

He was silent a moment and then said, I think that would be a good idea – keep me from feeling so isolated. I have an extra key card around here somewhere. Can you wait for a minute while I look for it?

*****

That same evening, Soemady informed Adm. Lekoa about Capt. Nikalishin’s situation.

Huh, said the Flight Command Chief, I didn’t know he had any family besides this woman he married.

Well, he never talks about his mother, but I knew she was listed on his stat sheet as alive and living in Lunden. Since she didn’t turn up at his wedding, I’ve assumed that they weren’t on the best of terms. Still, when a parent is dying, situations can change.

You’re right about that. I know from my own experience with my father.

I told him he could have emergency leave, Zinny. I realize that since it concerns an active Flight Command Captain, I overstepped my authority by not checking with you first.

Oh, I quite agree – a leave sounds perfectly justified.

"Will you be putting a substitute Captain on the Solar Wind’s upcoming flight? Robbie really hates having somebody intrude on his territory."

"Hmm. I can just pull the Solar Wind out of this rotation even though we’re in a Cluster. I’ll bring the Pride of Earth off stand-by – that will make Capt. Mamoolian happy. Her ship just had the same retrofit the S. W. had a couple of flights ago and she was disappointed she wasn’t getting to try out her new engines."

Do you think Teeter will approve that?

He won’t be have to, because I’m not going to tell him. Lekoa chortled wickedly. When he sees the shuffle on the roster, he’ll huff a bit, but it will be too late for him to do anything about it. It’s standard procedure that falls within my jurisdiction. I don’t need the Base Commander’s approval to make scheduling and assignment changes of this sort.

You little Afriken devil, said Soemady, chuckling. You’re a woman after my own heart.

*****

However, on the 9th of November Adm. Soemady got a peremptory summons from Adm. Teeter and she thought, Uh oh.

When she approached the door to the Base Commander’s suite, Zineh Lekoa’s voice said behind her, Well, Vanta, you, too?

Soemady turned around. Zin! What a coincidence! Do you think it has anything to do with, uh … ?

Lekoa shrugged. What else

Teeter regarded the two women from under his eyebrows as they entered his office. Both of you, sit down.

Thank you, sir, said Lekoa, saluting casually.

So I take it the two of you connived to give Capt. Nikalishin this rotation off?

‘Connive’ is a strange word to use, sir, said Soemady. The Captain has a family emergency. His mother had a stroke and may be dying, and it’s standard policy to give leave to anyone in that situation.

"The Solar Wind will be reinserted in Beta squadron for the flight scheduled on 23 December, said Lekoa. If for some reason Capt. Nikalishin is still not in a position to leave Earth, I’ll put a stand-by commander on his ship."

I’m quite familiar with Old Heathero’s emergency leave policies, said Teeter, "and I’m not objecting to your arrangements per se. But I do have reason to doubt that the two of you are telling me the whole story."

This threw Jivanta a little, because as far as she knew everything was as she had stated it, and she said as much.

Teeter’s eyes drilled her. I assume that this morning you received last week’s TeSeF reports involving Base personnel. Have you looked it over yet, Soemady?

Now, where is he going with this? As a matter of fact, I was just perusing the list when your office rang me, sir. I had just reached ‘Kjelburg.’

Ah. Then if you were up to the S’s, you must have noticed …

I was only in the K’s, sir. ‘Kjelburg’ begins with K.

Adm. Lekoa looked a bit bemused and Teeter scowled at Jivanta. Soemady, don’t jump another one of your diversionary tactics on me.

Diversionary tactics, sir? The name may be pronounced ‘Shelburg,’ but it’s spelled ‘K-j-e-l-b-u-r-g.’ Anita Kjelburg is from Scand – her surname retains the Old Sweedish spelling.

Teeter made an impatient movement. Well, whatever … Here, take this reader. Let Lekoa look at it with you. Find the N’s …

And Soemady again thought, Uh oh, but she remained outwardly impassive. There were only three names beginning with N on the list and one of them shouted at them.

6 November 2765, 0232h, Hamsted Park, Lunden