The Man Who Found Birds among the Stars, Part Two: Wounded Eagle

By Lorinda J Taylor

In this second part of the biography of Capt. Robbin Nikalishin, three threads remaining from “Eagle Ascendant” are followed to their conclusion. First, the question of cause and responsibility for the space disaster that formed the climax of Part One must be determined through a Government hearing and a trial. Second, the mystifying behavior of Prf. Karlis Eiginsh that resulted in the disaster must be explained. Third and most important, the Captain must recover from the devastating aftereffects of the disaster. The resolution is bittersweet – will the Captain ever become capable of coping fully with the damage that was done to him?

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lorinda J Taylor
• Release date: Jun 11, 2017
• ISBN: 9781370518135

Lorinda J Taylor

A former catalogue librarian, Lorinda J. Taylor was born in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and worked in several different academic libraries before returning to the place of her birth, where she now lives. She has written fantasy and science fiction for years but has only recently begun to publish. Her main goal is to write entertaining and compelling fiction that leaves her readers with something to think about at the end of each story.

Book preview

THE MAN WHO FOUND BIRDS AMONG THE STARS

A Biographical Fiction

Part Two

WOUNDED EAGLE

by

Lorinda J. Taylor

This is a work of fiction. All characters in this book are fictitious, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. However, the person presenting this book does not guarantee that such characters and events will not come into existence at some time in the future.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Cover illustration by Lorinda J. Taylor

Copyright © 2017 by Lorinda J. Taylor

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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Synopsis, Part One:

Eagle Ascendant

Born in 2729, Robbin Nikalishin spends the first 31 years of his life obsessed with flying to the stars. After he is recruited for the nascent interstellar program, he attains the rank of Captain and is given command of his own ship, backed up by his childhood friend Kolm MaGilligoody as his Chief Engineer. His dreams are on the brink of being fulfilled when a new Commanding Officer changes the agenda and forces the crew to risk their lives in a meaningless experiment. The result is a catastrophic failure; the ship becomes interdimensionally fused with an asteroid and Kolm is pinned in the wreckage.

Capt. Nikalishin wins the love of his crew, makes many friends, and charms the people of Earth, but he proves less adept in his personal relationships, both with his mother and with the women who become romantically involved with him. The struggles of this complex man in overcoming the aftereffects of the Darter Disaster and making a success of his life form the subject of Part Two: Wounded Eagle.

Table of Contents

Synopsis, Part One

Facsimile of 29th Century T.P.

Falling Back to Earth

Chapter 1: On Board the Reliable

Chapter 2: News of the Catastrophe Reaches Earth

Chapter 3: Drawing the Curtain

Chapter 4: Slow Healing

Chapter 5: What Happened in the Hold

Chapter 6: The Interstellar Program Is Terminated

Chapter 7: Wilda and Soemady Conspire to Send a Message

Chapter 8: Robbie Attempts to Come to Terms with the Future

Chapter 9: Robbie Leaves the Medbay ...

Chapter 10: ... and Dines with the Captain

Chapter 11: Stuffed Potato with Cheese

Chapter 12: Kolm’s Voice

Chapter 13: Robbie Learns His Fate

Chapter 14: The Women in Robbie’s Life

Chapter 15: Welcome Home, Capt. Nikalishin

Finding Answers

Chapter 16: Emotional Overload

Chapter 17: Robbin Nikalishin and His Doctors

Chapter 18: Contacts from an Earlier Life

Chapter 19: Progress

Chapter 20: Robbin Nikalishin and Prf. Karlis Eiginsh

Chapter 21: The Right Path

The Darter Hearings

Chapter 22: Preliminaries

Chapter 23: The Inimitable Prf. Lara Holds Her Own

Chapter 24: Prf. Flournoi on the Hot Seat

Chapter 25: How Did This Mess Begin?

Chapter 26: Happy Birthday, Capt. Nikalishin

Chapter 27: The Bridge Officers Testify about the Jump

Chapter 28: The Testimony of the Engineers

Chapter 29: Life Away from the Hearings

Chapter 30: Preparing for the Captain’s Testimony

Chapter 31: The Captain’s Testimony Begins

Chapter 32: What the Captain Started to Say on the Bridge

Chapter 33: How the Captain Could Have Been a Hero

Chapter 34: Guilt Boxes

Chapter 35: The Captain Recovers

Chapter 36: Hurtline Goes before the Commissioners

Venturing into the Future

Chapter 37: An Unexpected Visitor

Chapter 38: Awards, Deserved or Undeserved

Chapter 39: More Visitors

Chapter 40: The Captain Makes a Speech

Chapter 41: Adm. Soemady Makes a Proposal

Chapter 42: Robbie’s Brings Kolm’s Ivy Home

Chapter 43: Robbin Nikalishin and Dana Rook-MaGilligoody

Chapter 44: Confession

Chapter 45: Absolution

Chapter 46: Preparing to End TDT

Chapter 47: Returning to Normal

Chapter 48: Alone at Last

Chapter 49: The Report of the Commission

Chapter 50: Robbin Nikalishin and Pandora Quinn

Chapter 51: Adm. Stubblefield Drops a Bombshell

Chapter 52: The End of Two Relationships

Chapter 53: Going Home

Learning to Fly Again

Chapter 54: Capt. Nikalishin’s New Commanding Officers

Chapter 55: A Visit with Wilda

Chapter 56: A Namin’ Wash for Wee Kolm

Chapter 57: The Ceremony of Bathism

Chapter 58: Robbie Meets the Murchy Children

Chapter 59: A Visit with Prf. Alise Doone

Chapter 60: A Visit with Prf. Claud Flournoi

Chapter 61: The Chemford Birders

Chapter 62: Sterling at Last

Chapter 63: Ominous Aftereffects

Chapter 64: Flight Training Begins

Chapter 65: Court-Martial Preliminaries

Chapter 66: Capt. Nikalishin’s Final Testimony

Chapter 67: The Darter Memorial

Chapter 68: A Surprise Encounter in the Oxkam Cemetery

Chapter 69: Preparing for Command

Chapter 70: Captain on the Bridge!

Chapter 71: Coping with an Unexpected Crisis

Chapter 72: A Surprise at the Medal Ceremony

Appendix: The Mythmaker Precepts

Facsimile

of 29th Century Title Page

THE MAN WHO FOUND BIRDS

AMONG THE STARS

A Biographical Fiction

Issued in the year 2849 as

Part of the Commemoration

of the Fiftieth Anniversary of the Death of

Capt. Robbin Haysus Nikalishin

(10 May 2799)

Part Two

WOUNDED EAGLE

by Tania Barden

Fellow, Brassnose/Queens’ College

Oxkam University

Published by

The Midammeriken Publishing Link

New Washinten, 2849

Falling Back to Earth

Chapter 1

On Board the Reliable

11 May, 2761

Robbin Nikalishin was aware of something resting on his face, covering his nose and mouth and pressing uncomfortably against his lower eyelids. He put up a hand to push it away, a hoarse protest coming from his throat.

Jane, he’s waking up. Page Dr. Gum.

Robbie twisted his head. Towering above him was an unfamiliar male clad in that green medical tunic that had left unpleasant associations implanted in his psyche. Hands were separating the object from his face. It’s only an oxygen mask, Capt. Nikalishin. There, is that better? It’ll have to go back on in a minute, though.

A voice was bleating over an intercom. Dr. Gum to Cubicle C, please. Dr. Gum to Cubicle C.

What’s … ? Where am I?

"You’re on the rescue ship Reliable, Captain. You’re safe. All of you are safe."

Robbie clamped his eyes shut. Safe … no, no, nobody … nothing … will ever be safe …

More green-clad individuals had appeared alongside him. His body jolted as someone angled up the head of the bed.

"Capt. Nikalishin, I’m Dr. Larimoor Gum, Chief Medical Officer of the science vessel Reliable. You had us all worried there for a while. Your pod was the last picked up and its enviros were malfunctioning. The CO2 levels were pretty high and the temperature had dropped to about 6 degrees."

Dazed, Robbie was struggling to understand, struggling to remember something … something so terrible that he hoped he would never remember it …

A MedTech was saying, You can sip a little water, Captain – ease your throat. Here’s a straw – open your lips for us …

He started to comply, lowering his vision from the faces around him, trying to focus on the cup.

But then he saw … something across his legs …

… something hard and sharp and metallic and immovable … something that cut into his thighs while blood pooled on the floor along his right side …

His body convulsed and he screamed and threw himself forward, knocking the cup of water from the MedTech’s hands and ripping an IV out of his arm.

Get it off me! I’m bleeding! Get it off me! And he seized the object and flung it away violently, continuing to scream. He would have fallen out of the bed if the alarmed MedTechs had not caught and restrained him.

As they pressed him back, Dr. Gum said, Two cc’s of clemnine, stat. Capt. Nikalishin, it’s all right – it’s only a thermoblanket. Take it easy now. Take it easy.

But Robbie continued to moan, He’s bleeding … get it off him … Kolm … I’m bleeding … you’ve got to get it off me … until the sedative sent him back into oblivion.

*****

The second time Robbin Nikalishin woke up, a cannula in his nose had replaced the mask and no one stood near him. He turned his head carefully, trying to convince his eyes to focus, trying to suppress the dizziness that even that slight motion caused. Then he saw a woman sitting at a small table by the wall. She was leaning her cheek on her hand and her eyes were closed as if she were tired.

He recognized her. Doc? Dr. Souray?

She started, then jumped up, a smile breaking on her face. Robbie! I’m sorry, I was resting for a moment. Well, you’re looking a little better.

She had come to the bed and taken his hand in both of hers, pressing his wrist to feel his pulse. It was an unnecessary act, since the beds continuously scanned every vital sign. But Madeline Souray had always found touch to have a calming effect on a patient, particularly one who had just suffered a major physical and emotional trauma.

Am I? asked Robbie. How did I look before?

Pretty wiped out. My word, your lips are so cracked – that must be painful! Let me put some of this emollient on them. As she did so, she said, You were hypoxic and hypothermic when you arrived. And you’ve got a pretty good little case of radiation poisoning – that’s why you’re feeling so rotten. You have some bruises and a slight concussion but no burns or broken bones – that’s the good news.

Robbie turned his eyes away, trying to sort things out, trying to impose some order on the chaos that was his mind. Before … that other doc … James?

Gum. Dr. Gum.

Bloody hell. What kind of name is that for a doctor? Be better for a dentist.

Dr. Souray laughed tremulously. That sounded like the Robbie she had become fond of; surely it was a positive sign. It has some Southeast Asian origin, I think, although he was born in Ostrailia.

"Oh … Anyway, he said I’m on the Reliable. You made it out."

Just in time. I’ve only been here a few days.

Who’s the Captain of this tub?

"Paavo Timonen. He’s commanded the Reliable for five years. It’s a very well equipped ship, Robbie – quite capable of handling any medical emergency."

The pod I was in … it was the last to be picked up, the other doc said.

You remember he said that?

Oh, yeah. I remember that. But I don’t … remember … He struggled a little, realizing that some loose bands around his chest and thighs were restraining him in the bed. Feeling panicky, he clutched at Dr. Souray’s hand.

Easy, Robbie. You don’t need to remember everything just yet. Try to rest and get your strength back.

How many – how many pods – did they pick up?

Three. Ian Glencrosse says that’s all you launched.

Robbie shut his eyes. That’s right … So – Glencrosse … he’s all right?

He was in the same pod you were in, so he’s suffering some of the same effects, although he seems to have gotten a lesser dose of radiation. But he’ll be all right, as will you, Robbie. She spoke the last words emphatically.

He didn’t answer that. Then he said, Natalie Wellette. She was in our pod. She had a – a piece of metal in her head … Doc?

I’m sorry, Robbie, I’m so sorry. By the time your pod was brought you in, Natalie was dead. Ian told us she was still breathing when you loaded her, but the brain trauma was so massive – we couldn’t have saved her even if she had been treated in the first moments after the injury. You drifted for nine hours out there – the ships had trouble getting a fix on that pod because its beacon was damaged and it kept blinking off and on. We couldn’t imagine how you got so far from the, uh – launching point – so quickly, but Ian said … Then she wondered if she was saying too much too soon. His breathing had quickened and thinned and the monitor showed a rise in heart rate and blood pressure, although that was not such a bad thing, given that both vitals had remained ominously low.

It was the explosion, he said. We had just shot free of the ship when – the engine … It kicked us away.

That’s what Ian said.

Robbie lay silent, his fingers restlessly creasing and re-creasing the top of the sheet. Then his eyes drifted downward along the bed and his limbs jerked suddenly. However, the only thing lying across his legs was a white blanket embellished with blue stripes.

You’ve got me tied down because – what I did before …

It was only a thermoblanket, to help get your body temperature up. Do you have any idea why you reacted so violently when you saw that?

He had … across his legs, you know, he whispered. A girder. It cut a femoral artery … I was – kneeling in his blood.

Oh, yes, Ian did say – about Kolm – the fallen beam … So that explains all that blood on your clothes. We were puzzled, because you weren’t wounded.

Robbie had clenched his eyes shut. Then suddenly he opened them wide, pushing against the restraints, feeling down his body, which was clad in a hospital gown of that same unsettling green. My clothes – what have you done with my clothes?

Easy, Robbie. All the flight suits had to be sent to bio-haz.

Robbie was clutching at Dr. Souray’s arm, hysteria rising in his voice. You got to get mine back, doc. There was ... in the pocket. Oh, god – oh, god – I’ve got to get it back …

Easy, Robbie! We emptied everyone’s pockets. Is this what you’re talking about?

She fetched a folded cloth, from which she pulled a metal oval on a chain.

Oh, god – yes … Robbie seized it from her and fisted it, pressing it convulsively against his chest. Oh, god, I thought I’d lost it.

Dr. Souray simply watched, not asking him to explain. Then he looked up at her and said, K-K-K- … K-K-Kolm gave it to me before I … It’s his Mairin’s medal. We swore our friendship – our friendship … our … Hard, gasping sobs had begun to rack him.

Dr. Souray bent over him. Sh-h-h, easy now, Robbie. Lord, I’ve worn you out. I’m going to give you something to make you sleep again. Is that all right?

He nodded pathetically. Dr. Souray took the medal from him and slipped the chain over his head. There, you’ll always have it with you now. We won’t let you lose it. Robbie, I have to go away for a minute and get the injector, but I’ll be right back.

When she returned, he had stopped crying and had twisted over on his side. As she pulled the gown away from his neck to administer the drug, he looked up at her. I’m so glad you’re here, Dr. Souray. If you hadn’t come out, I guess I’d just be – stuck with Gum. And he emitted a sound that might have been a laugh.

She laughed with him, emotionally. He still retained some sense of humor. Surely, if a man could keep that, his prospects for a full recovery couldn’t be so bad.

Chapter 2

News of the Catastrophe Reaches Earth

11-17 May, 2761

Back on Earth, on the day the Darter birthed, Adm. Jivanta Soemady had fallen asleep with her port’s sound volume turned off. After a while she awoke with a crick in her neck from lying crooked on too many pillows. Groaning and stretching, she glanced at the chronometer. 0230h … Damn, she’d missed the birthing window. The first contact should have come through at 0130.

Everything seemed fine; GovNews was running a documentary about the reintroduction of deer, peccaries, and cougars to certain reforested areas of the western Amazen Basin. She switched to IIL, where a couple of news heads were talking.

" … odd, indeed, that no word on the Darter mission has come down yet from Luna. At the normal rate of data-stream reception from the Asteroid Belt, we should have heard from Capt. Nikalishin and his valiant crew an hour ago. We can only hope it’s a com failure. Could be between here and the moon, maybe at the Longrange 1 booster station."

If it is, somebody in New Washinten or at Herinen should have let us know.

Here’s something interesting … Our sister link in Midammerik, the Okloh Information Grid, is reporting their informants in New Washinten have observed unusual activity around the Joint Military Command’s HQ. Several high-ranking officers have been spotted arriving in their hoppers and hastening into the building. And the lights have gone on in the Briefing Room at Prairie House.

Well! Do you think something untoward has happened and our esteemed Adm. Hurtline is stonewalling?

Adm. Soemady was sitting bolt upright now, no longer sleepy. This did not bode well.

In the Murchy household, the twins had succumbed about 2230h and Wilda had packed them off to bed. Dickon was snoring in an easy chair. May had woken up and Wilda had brought her into the living room, then fallen asleep herself with the toddler draped across her lap.

Wilda! Wilda? Wake up! Something’s going on.

She opened her eyes to see Dickon hissing at her. What? Oh! Wilda eased May onto the couch beside her and straightened up, distractedly pushing her hair out of her eyes. What time is it?

Past 0300h.

Three! We missed the birthing!

"Yeah, well, when I woke up just now, GovNews was announcing that a statement from Quickspeed’s Mission Board was about to be read. He apologized for the delay in issuing information concerning the mission of the Darter, and so on and so on."

What? You mean, they haven’t had anything to say until now? Oh, Dickon …

The Murchys waited together on the couch, holding each other’s hands.

And now, reporting from the Public Information Center in JMC Headquarters in New Washinten, here is Com. Gravehorst from the ESC’s Office of Public Information. A stony-faced official appeared seated before the cam. No news heads were in evidence; apparently no questioning was to be allowed. "Greetings, citizens of Earth. The following bulletin was issued by the Darter Mission’s Command and Control Center at Luna Base at 2100h Midammeriken Standard Time, 10 May 2761. The Control Center has been unable to establish contact with the Darter following the scheduled birthing window … "

Wilda gasped, clapping her hand over her mouth.

"However, the Exploration Class flagship Reliable reports it received a brief transmission from the Darter’s distress beacon at 1909h, from coordinates outside the ship’s target area. If these coordinates are correct, then the Darter badly overshot its destination and has emerged in close proximity to Asteroid DR-153. This information suggests the ship may have taken some damage … "

Oh, Dickon! cried Wilda. They’re all dead!

Hold on, Wilda, we don’t know that yet.

" … although there is no confirmation of that – repeat, no confirmation that the Darter has been damaged. At present, the Reliable is proceeding at full speed toward the appropriate coordinates and … Wait a minute, I’m being handed a bulletin … Ah, ha! I’m being instructed to convey that the Reliable has received signals from the locator beacons of two of the Darter’s escape pods and is continuing to move toward that sector of space while scanning for additional signals. After the location of the pods is pinpointed, the Reliable will launch its tugs and the pods will be grappled and conveyed into the rescue ship’s hold.

"That is all the information we have for the moment, but I have been asked to read this personal statement from Adm. Lucas Hurtline: ‘The citizens of Earth have no need to be concerned about the favorable outcome of this mission. The evidence that a temporal quantum pod protects its contents is overwhelming, and, in spite of the obvious error in trajectory calculation perpetrated by the Darter’s Captain, Robbin Nikalishin, you can be assured that no catastrophic consequences are anticipated … ’"

Simultaneously in the Murchy living room and in Adm. Soemady’s bedroom, several voices were exclaiming, That’s a load of bullshit!

GovNews signed off rather abruptly, and Dickon turned to hug Wilda. There, you see? They launched the escape pods. Your Capt. Robbie’s going to be all right, lovey.

"How can you say that, Dickon? Two pods! There were 15 people on that ship! How can they get that many people into two pods?"

Maybe they haven’t found all the pods yet. Let’s keep watching.

0500h was the time the Murchys normally got up, and Wilda found herself trying to get her grumpy boys ready for school and herself ready to be at work at 0700. By that time, one pod was aboard the Reliable, and the other had been located by one of the three additional rescue vessels that were scouting the target area. And a third beacon had been detected, at a much greater distance from the asteroid. It would take several more hours to fetch that one in. And that was all Earth was to know for a while. Luna Base had announced a blackout on communications until 1300h British Time.

The twins were upset that they had slept through the birthing and they wanted to hear about everything that had happened.

Wilda said, Oh, you two, sit down and eat your toast.

I’m afraid the news isn’t good, boys, said Dickon gravely.

It seems they had to evacuate the ship, said Wilda, but we don’t know why yet.

There could be some casualties, said Dickon. They had to launch escape pods.

Both boys’ eyes had gotten big. Escape pods! said Augie. Gar! You mean, the ship broke up?

But Capt. Robbie’s all right, isn’t he? asked Julie.

Wilda sniffled. I don’t know. I don’t know, son.

Oh, I’m sure he is. Three pods … said Dickon.

Richerd Murchy, one of those commentators mentioned that each pod holds four people. With 15 crewmembers … well, you do the arithmetic! And didn’t you ever hear of the old seafarers’ rule that the Captain has to go down with his ship?

That’s just sort of an old folk-story. Surely Robbie wouldn’t buy into that!

Well, the idea is, the Captain gets everybody else off first. Robbie cares a lot about his crew, Dickon. That’s why I wonder … That’s why I just don’t know …

At 0900h Adm. Soemady showed up at the Base Commander’s office. Believe me, I have no desire whatever to talk to Adm. Menton, she said to a protesting Office Assistant. I only wanted you to give him this, with my regards. He’ll understand. And she deposited a vial in the middle of the assistant’s desk. It contained two Nendirol capsules, intended for the relief of migraines and other headaches associated with changes in the female physiology.

*****

On the morning of 12 May the citizens of Earth learned that the third escape pod had been picked up, but no more information was forthcoming until later in the day, when a bulletin was issued stating that ten of the Darter’s crewmembers had survived with injuries and five had been lost, but that no names would be released until relatives of the victims had been notified. Of course, Wilda wasn’t a relative, so she couldn’t expect to hear anything. No further announcements concerning the casualties were made until the 17th. Those were the longest five days of Wilda’s life.

In desperation, on the 15th she called Adm. Soemady, who said, I’m not in the loop, either, Ms. Murchy, and I know exactly how you’re feeling – this suspense is keeping me up at night! But I assure you, there’s a lot going on. You may be aware of some of it if you’ve been following the links.

You mean, about all the special meetings and everything?

"It seems Adm. Hurtline tried to mount a cover-up. You remember the initial delay in announcing that the Darter might be in trouble? It seems Hurtline planned to withhold news of the disaster as long as he could, but Capt. Kibwana, who was serving as principal Control Officer for the mission, took matters into his own hands and flashed the information to ESC HQ on Earth. Then Hurtline proceeded to charge Kibwana with disobeying the direct order of a superior officer, and he slapped him in the brig. Now it seems that Fleet Adm. Archuleta – that’s ESC’s Chief of Staff – has countermanded the order and Kibwana is on his way back to Earth. Hurtline has sort of barricaded himself on Luna."

He keeps putting out statements implying it was Robbie’s negligence and carelessness that caused all this! I could just spit at him, Adm. Soemady!

The Admiral laughed. Shall we make that a duet? Anyway, the President has called in members of his Administrative Council for an emergency meeting, and they’ve summoned all the appropriate military brass, and they’re having – shall we say? – a bit of a dust-up?

I heard that the group of physicists who tried to protest awhile back showed up on the President’s doorstep uninvited.

Yes, I believe Turick was preparing to send for them, but they beat him to it. You know, Ms. Murchy, Earth has lived through space disasters of greater magnitude than this, but the last one occurred almost a hundred years ago, in the early days of interplanetary flight, before Earth was even officially unified. Those events are no longer in the forefront of the Earth’s collective psyche. But this involves the pair of original Starchasers who most won the world’s hearts, and it’s produced a horrendous outcome that cries out for revenge. Someone is going to have to pay for this and pay publicly. This thing is going to blow wide open, Ms. Murchy. The egg has only begun to crack.

It’s a shame it took a tragedy to blow it open, Admiral, said Wilda.

Agreed. I’m feeling a lot of regret, I can assure you.

Will we … ? What we did about the letter and all …

I don’t believe you and I will find ourselves involved in this. We’re small fish and there are plenty of more important people to carry the torch now that it’s been lighted. Besides … Adm. Soemady laughed mirthlessly. I haven’t talked with our Base Commander, but he must be feeling a few guilt pangs of his own about now. I daresay he won’t want to be dragged into the melee.

I’m glad people are going to get what they deserve, Admiral, but … Wilda’s voice quivered. … but I just want to know if Robbie’s alive and how badly he’s hurt.

An announcement will come soon. Try to hold on.

And so Wilda continued to wait. She considered ringing up Kolm’s family in Eira, but Dickon talked her out of it. If something has happened to their son, lovey, the last thing they’re wanting to do is talk to strangers about it.

Wilda could only agree. It was the same with Robbie’s mother; she had been able to find Sterling’s ID in the comdex, but she hesitated to bother her. And so she had no choice but to wait until EarthGov chose to enlighten the whole world.

And then on 17 May the bulletin was issued. Wilda was at work and Sloe Manager Ellen Bridger called her into her private office. The names of the deceased were read first. Chief Engineer Cmdr. Kolm MaGilligoody, of Wicklo Precinct, Eira Prefecture …

Oh, no! Oh, no! Not Kolm! exclaimed Wilda, her clasped hands clenched to her mouth.

… First Pilot Lt. Cmdr. Natalie Wellette, of Mount Royal Precinct, Old Kaneda Section; Assistant Mechanical Engineer Lt. Cmdr. Luigi Manticora, of Napolia Precinct, Talia Prefecture …

Ellen Bridger said, Capt. Nikalishin must be alive because they’re reading the names in descending order of rank.

" … Chief P. O. MedTech Terry Crowley, of Pikes Precinct, Koloredo Prefecture; and Engineer’s Aide P. O. Vera Storm, of Carackas Precinct, Venezela Section. This concludes the list of deceased crewmembers of the vessel Darter … "

Whew, said Wilda, sagging. You were right, Ellen. But wait …

The news head was conveying Pres. Turick’s condolences to the families of the deceased and promising them retribution on any guilty parties, and then he continued, "The Exploration Class ship Reliable has provided the following information. The search and rescue vessel GoForth remains in the Asteroid Belt and it has been able to scan, as well as visually survey, the crash site at Asteroid DR-153. The hull of the Darter is protruding from the solid rock of the asteroid with its entire front bulwark blown off so that what is left of the interior is exposed to space. A few small pieces of debris that were found floating in space a considerable distance from the asteroid have been retrieved. No human remains could be visually descried, although scanners picked up evidence of human DNA at the crash site. It is believed further salvage, as well as any retrieval of human remains, will prove impossible.

"All survivors of this incredible calamity are being treated aboard the Reliable as it makes its way back to Earth. Most sustained radiation poisoning and some suffered serious burns and broken bones. The Darter’s commander, Capt. Robbin H. Nikalishin, of Watferd Precinct, Section of Britan, along with Second Assistant Engineer Cmdr. Ian Glencrosse of Cadlake Precinct, Mitchican/Indipol Prefecture, were together in a pod with a malfunctioning enviro system, and both were suffering from carbon dioxide poisoning and hypothermia when they were picked up. Capt. Nikalishin was in critical condition when he was brought aboard the Reliable; he has since been upgraded to serious. Also in critical condition were the Second Pilot Lt. Walter Smallguard, of Bidgimmi Precinct, Minnesonta Prefecture; Communications Officer Lt. Pilar Montoya, of Chiwawa Precinct, Mehik Section; and First Assistant Engineer Lt. Cmdr. Banyat Thaksin of Bankock Precinct, Tai Prefecture. All the other rescued crew members were in serious to fair condition … " And the rest of the list followed.

Oh, Ellen, said Wilda, my Capt. Robbie was in critical condition. I guess we almost lost him. Oh, my …

All ten injured crewmembers are expected to survive, the news head was saying. "It will take the Reliable nearly three months to reach Earth … "

Three months!

That sort of slow travel was what Quickspeed was trying to fix, said Ellen.

Well, they fixed it, all right!

" … but Exploration Class ships are equipped to handle every sort of medical situation and Earthers can rest assured the survivors of the Darter Disaster will receive the best of care and be fully recovered by the time they return home. "

Fully recovered, my ass! said Wilda. She was thinking about Kolm. Robbie had lost Kolm. She knew better than anybody how Robbie had felt about his childhood friend. It’s going to be a long time before my Capt. Robbie recovers from this one!

Chapter 3

Drawing the Curtain

14 May, 2761

The third time Robbie woke up, he was alone in the cubicle, with the lights half-dimmed. He knew exactly where he was, and he remembered everything that had happened the last time he had been awake. He lay unmoving, knowing that if he thrashed around too much, it would activate an alarm and someone would come in. And he wanted to be alone for a minute. He wanted to think – to try once more to straighten out his mind.

Feeling cautiously, he found Kolm’s medal and closed his hand around it with a gasp of relief. Then he glanced carefully down at his legs. But he still saw nothing there but a cotton blanket, although now the stripes were mustard yellow and only half as wide as the previous blue ones.

A number of tubes were attached to his body. One was from the oxygen cannula in his nose and a couple of others seemed to be IVs, one inserted below each collarbone. They led up to containers of fluid, two different unidentified preparations flowing into his veins. In the dim light, he couldn’t see what color the fluids were or even if the IVs were dripping properly.

Then there was a larger tube – it came out from under the covers and connected to a …

Bloody hell, they’ve got me catheterized, he thought. But why would I find that strange? I haven’t been out of this bed for … How long have I been here? How long has it been since … ?

He looked down at his bare arm and saw some puzzling red marks on it, some little blistered sores. After a moment he thought, Radiation poisoning … But surely it wasn’t too bad – he hadn’t been exposed for long – probably longer than anyone else, though … The Reliable would be equipped to handle that. Earthers had become experts at treating radiation trauma during all those years when humans had flung radiant bombs at one another …

And then a different part of his mind began to taunt him. Why are you lying here pondering all this meaningless trivia? You know what you need to think about. You know what you have to face.

Everything that happened is your fault. You’re going to have to take the responsibility, pay the price, eat the poison. You’re going to have to face the reality that a third of your crew died because you failed to stop the mission – that Natalie flew out of gratitude to you for supporting her that other time, and now she’s dead …

… but most of all you have to pay the price because …

… because you left your best friend out there to die alone!

The last words shouted in his mind, rising stronger than the chaos, rattling his soul. Terrified, he tried to push them down, tried to repudiate them, but others reared up to take their place. Goody is dead, but you’re alive! Why are you alive? It’s grotesque – it wasn’t meant to be!

In all the terrible scenarios his mind had constructed before the mission, he had never envisioned one where Kolm died and Robbin Nikalishin lived on alone. It had occurred to him that he might die and Kolm would live, and somehow that seemed acceptable, because Kolm loved the life of Earth so much while he, Robbie, had always yearned for things that were beyond attainment. But mostly he had thought that either they would die together or they would live together. Because they were a team – they had always been a team – and …

… and I don’t see how – I simply don’t see how – I’m ever going to get along without him …

His mind was talking to him again. You killed him, you know. You sealed his fate a long time ago when you talked him into going to the Flight Academy. He would have been perfectly content to stay on Earth and build the engines while others flew them. If you hadn’t been so selfish and talked him into flying, he wouldn’t be incinerated out there, maybe still alive when the engine blew …

That last thought was too much to bear and he rejected it, crying out within himself, But I couldn’t imagine facing life without him! I couldn’t imagine going to the stars alone! And so I plagued and pestered him until he agreed to go with me …

And now I’ll be alone for my whole life. And … it’s all … my own … fault …

In his agony of guilt and loss, Robbie writhed on the bed, not caring who knew. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t live with the reality of the way things were …

One of the MedTechs, the one called Jane, came in, frowned over his monitor for a moment, and then approached the bed. What’s going on, Capt. Nikalishin? Your cortisol levels just went through the roof.

Is Dr. Souray around? Could you get her for me?

Well, she’s sleeping … But she glanced at Robbie and then said, She said to call her if you needed her. It will take a few minutes.

While he waited, he tried to get himself under control. He knew now what it was that he had dreaded remembering – that welter of guilt and horror and isolation and despair and loss that had just bared its hideous face to him. And it would always be there. If he lived to be a thousand years old, its accusatory stare would always lurk there inside his mind.

So the only answer was to conceal it – to divide his mind into two pieces and push the chaos into one of them and draw a curtain across the front of it – and never, never look behind that curtain …

By the time Dr. Souray came in, he had done it – strung that shield across the center of his mind. And so he was able to talk to her and ask questions and behave in quite a rational and normal manner.

But at the same time he knew the curtain was only a curtain – sheer and fragile, stirring in the wind, easily parted, easily torn. And that knowledge that the barrier was so frail shook terror loose in him and reinforced despair …

*****

When Dr. Souray came in, she brightened the lights a little and said, So, Robbie, how’s it going this morning?

I’m sorry I got you up, doc. I … well, I guess I had a little night terror there and I kind of wanted to see a familiar face.

Any time, Robbie. I was scheduled to get up in an hour, anyway. She was inspecting the records on the monitor.

I’ll bet all of this has really strained the ship’s resources.

"Well, we have twelve beds and we took ten patients. Then, of course, some of the Reliable’s crew had to pick the same moment to do things to themselves, like, one fell off a catwalk in Engineering and got a concussion, and another tore a groin muscle in the gym … She grinned over her shoulder at Robbie. We’ve been pretty busy."

Dr. Gummy must be happy you came out.

"Yes, he’s very grateful. Reliable has a great staff. Dr. Gum is the medical man – radiation poisoning is one of his specialties, so you can see you’re in good hands. Then there’s Dr. Una Gankowitz. She’s the surgeon. That’s why you haven’t seen much of her – you won’t require any surgery."

Dr. Souray had come to stand beside the bed, scrutinizing Robbie’s face. She wondered if he knew he had radiation sores on his face and was losing little patches of both beard and hair, especially on the back of his head. It seemed the posterior of his body had taken the brunt of the radiation.

We want you to start taking some food by mouth today, she said. No steak and kidney pie or Scotch on the rocks, I’m afraid. Just broth and cooked cereal and maybe some applesauce. Radiation does things to your gut, you know.

Yeah, I do know. What have I been doing in that regard? I can’t remember.

You’ve been unconscious or sedated most of the time – you haven’t been out of bed. We’ve had to, uh – do a little clean-up work ...

Robbie closed his eyes. God almighty. How humiliating.

Don’t feel that way, Robbie. It’s not your fault, and anyway bodily functions don’t faze medical people.

A frown twitched between his brows, but he said only, How long have I been here? I can’t tell the days apart in this place.

"It is hard. The staff is also a little disoriented, what with such irregular shifts. But this is the fourth day since we hauled in your pod."

Four days … It seems like an eternity. Doc, we’re going to be on this ship quite awhile, aren’t we?

I’m afraid so. Normally, an Exploration Class vessel takes a little less than two months to travel from the Asteroid Belt to Earth, but we had to penetrate deep into the expanse to pick up your pod.

Into the expanse?

"It seems the Darter birthed at the far side of the asteroid."

Oh. Actually, that makes sense. It was the rear half of the ship that was stuck … If it had birthed at the near side, the front half would have … and every one of us would have been – entombed … He retched, suddenly nauseated.

Easy, Robbie.

He gasped. I’m all right. So – how long will it take to get back to Earth?

It will most likely be three months. I’m sorry.

Robbie grimaced. I’m not. I don’t want to get home. I don’t even want to think about getting home. Don’t make me think about it, doc.

A little troubled, she said soothingly, That’s all right, Robbie. It’s way too soon for you to think about anything except trying to heal.

"But there is something I – I need to know. You see, things on the Darter were – a bit chaotic … and it was dark … and then the grav failed … but what I’m trying to say … I was never sure who went in the first pod. It was already loaded when I – reached the hold … but they couldn’t get the seal to release … and then they did, I guess, but … Robbie stopped, panting a little. What I’m trying to say – I know I lost a third of the crew, but – I’m not sure which ones died."

Ah. I understand.

I know … K-K- … and Natalie … You don’t have talk about them, but … He hastened on. … and then I know – Crowley Terry …

Dr. Souray looked down somberly. Yes. Terry wasn’t in the pods.

I shouldn’t have taken any medical personnel. We didn’t need his services. But you thought we ought … But I’m not blaming you for anything – don’t get me wrong. What right would I have to do that?

Dr. Souray took a deep breath. She had been quite fond of P.O. Crowley, and she herself had been feeling more than a small pang of guilt. Do you know how he died?

Didn’t Geff tell you? Geff’s all right, isn’t he?

Geff is in the best shape of any of you, but he didn’t know what happened to Terry. After the first shock, Geff never saw him again. He just seemed to disappear.

He was standing in the Medbay door, doc, and the … Robbie gasped. The goddam rock swallowed him up.

Oh, lord. Shaken, Dr. Souray bit her lip.

But Robbie said, There were two more. Just tell me. Who?

Vera Storm …

Oh … Doc, she was so young. You know, I never got a chance to know her. She was one of K-K- … one of Engineering’s protégées and … but just the same, she was part of my crew … And – the last one?

Luigi Manticora.

Oh-h-h … Luigi? I thought for sure he was in the first pod and it must be Iggy Delrey who … But it was Luigi? Oh, doc, he enjoyed life so much. All those practical jokes of his – they used to irritate me – but now … Then he said, It makes sense that those were the other two killed, when I think about it. They were responsible for the plasma engines, so they would have been in the back of the ship. They were swallowed up, too – they had to be.

During a brief silence the two of them thought their own thoughts.

Then Dr. Souray said, I think this is enough for now. Why don’t you relax a bit before we try out that oral nourishment?

No, wait – I want to know how the other survivors are doing. I know Pilar and Wally had bad burns, and Banny Thaksin – was it a broken ankle? I can’t quite remember …

Actually, none of the Bridge crew took any radiation to speak of. All the Engineers took some, but no one as much as you did.

I was – I was the last one to leave Engineering … alive – I mean, alive …

Dr. Souray watched in concern as a kind of detached terror rippled through Robbie’s face and then subsided. That probably accounts for it. But it’s a help that Pilar and Wally weren’t heavily irradiated, because those burns need all their strength to heal. The ones on Wally’s chest were third degree; he’ll probably need some reconstructive surgery but he’ll make a full recovery. But Pilar … Robbie, she lost an eye.

An eye? Robbie shuddered, clutching at his throat.

You know, I think it’s too soon for us to be talking about all this.

No, I want to know, doc. Because I need to know everything I have to suffer for … She stopped the fires by pulling out the circuit wires with her bare hands and it flashed in her face. I saw that – it was really heroic.

"Yes, her hands are badly burned, too. She’s in serious condition, but she will recover. Ruthanne and Annemika sustained only some radiation and a few bruises, and Mousa Jaballa has a couple of broken ribs. Ignacio Delrey took radiation and some superficial burns. But Banny Thaksin … " Might as well finish this, Dr. Souray thought. Banny apparently took a hit from flying debris the same way Natalie did. His right foot was mangled beyond repair – it had to be amputated. Robbie?

He had twisted around, shuddering. Amputated – shitting hell … Maybe you were right, Dr. Souray. Maybe I wasn’t quite ready for this yet.

She closed a hand on his arm. It’s amazing there weren’t worse injuries. It’s an absolute miracle that anyone survived.

Yeah, that makes me feel a lot better. Probably makes Pilar and Banny feel a lot better, too.

Dr. Souray didn’t like to hear such bitterness in her patient’s voice. "Robbie, if you hadn’t insisted the Darter be retrofitted with escape pods, and if you hadn’t calmed everybody down and made them remember the drills and gotten those pods launched … "

Did I do that?

Don’t you remember?

His voice was faint with exhaustion. I don’t remember much at all after I – I left Engineering. All I know is, I lost five members of my crew – and maimed the rest …

Dr. Souray said then, This is enough for the moment! Let’s put off your first meal until later. Right now, you need rest more than sustenance.

Chapter 4

Slow Healing

15 May-15 June, 2761

Robbie’s condition had to get worse before it could get better. The first ten days after he began to take food by mouth were the absolute nadir. Robbie had never suffered a serious illness and, like a lot of human males, he wasn’t good at being sick. Accustomed to being in control of what was happening to his body, he now had to endure the humiliation of requiring help for every physical function. He longed for the earlier days when they were keeping him sedated and he didn’t know what was being done to him. Twice every day he had to spend thirty minutes in a claustrophobic cellular regeneration chamber, but that was not the worst. He also had to be bathed by aides and dipped into a tub of some kind of bad-smelling medicated wash. Nausea and diarrhea hit him hard; he had to suffer being swaddled in nappies like an infant, because even after he was able to leave his bed and walk around with help, the aides could rarely get him to the WC quick enough. For a man who had always been acutely embarrassed by the routine examinations of doctors, it was almost unbearable.

To top it off, his skin was peeling and itching and a lot of the radiation lesions were on his back where he couldn’t reach them. Dr. Gum didn’t want him scratching them in any case and threatened only half jokingly to tape his hands together. In one way, however, Robbie was glad for all this physical misery; it kept his mind off the misery in his soul.

And then Dr. Gum told him they were going to have to shave his beard – and not only that, his entire head.

God almighty, doc, he expostulated. Why? I know I’ve got some sores in the hair there, but …

Have you looked at yourself in the mirror, Captain?

Well, no, Robbie said, fingering his unkempt beard possessively. I haven’t been able to stand up in the bathroom long enough to do any primping. I know it needs trimming ...

In fact, Robbie usually kept his beard at a perfect three centimeters in length, and he shaved a meticulous arc halfway down each cheek and also shaved the neck area. Otherwise, he thought the luxuriant dark growth on his face made him look like some kind of wild man.

Jane, bring a hand mirror, said Dr. Gum.

No, I don’t want to … began Robbie, desperately looking for help to Dr. Souray, who stood behind Gum with a slightly amused expression on her face, much to his annoyance.

But they stuck the mirror at him and he was forced to confront the gaunt visage within it. Damn, is that me? What are those patches? Son of a bitch, my beard’s falling out!

In places. So is your hair. Shaving will facilitate topical treatment of the lesions and lessen the risk of infection. I’m afraid I’ll have to insist.

And so they shaved him. His face had not been naked since he was nineteen, and he had never seen the natural shape of his denuded head, with all the irregularities of the skull beneath the skin exposed; it is a sight any person might find daunting. Dr. Souray stayed in the room while the aide did the work, understanding better than Dr. Gum that this unavoidable violation might add to Robbie’s trauma.

As the aide industriously scraped away with the shaver, she said, Dr. Souray, look at this. What’s this crinkled patch?

Dr. Souray looked, then glanced at Robbie. That looks like a scar above your left ear.

Oh, that. Yeah. An accident when I was eight years old. I fell on a rake. Usually the hair hides it.

Huh, said Dr. Souray. Must have been quite a wound for the scar to remain so clearly visible after all these years.

Yeah, quite a wound, said Robbie. And he shut down, closing his eyes.

Sensing she shouldn’t press the subject, Dr. Souray only said, You know, Captain, you look good clean-shaven. You’ve got a really … She started to say fetching, but she decided that word wasn’t flattering to his masculinity, so she said, … a really attractive dimple in your chin.

It’s still there, huh? That’s part of the reason I grew the beard.

You don’t like that dimple, I take it.

No, I don’t like it.

Here’s the mirror, Captain, said the aide.

Morbid curiosity had taken hold, so against his better judgment Robbie took the mirror. And there was that soft, round, dimpled chin that made his nose look out of balance with the rest of his face. God almighty, he hadn’t grown up at all. And there were the radiation lesions, and the dark circles above prominent cheekbones and – hell, nothing but pink, ugly, crusty scalp on the head that had so recently been crowned with quantities of wavy black hair …

He threw the mirror down, collapsing back on his pillows. I hope this was worth it, doc. I hate myself this way.

Dr. Souray squeezed his hand reassuringly. Don’t worry, it’ll grow back. We’ll keep it shaved for about ten days and then it can start growing in again. A few patches may be a little slow to regenerate, but by the time you get off the ship back on Earth, everything should look almost normal.

His only response was a slight grunt. He was thinking, Probably it will never grow back right. I’ll probably always have bald patches where the lesions were. I’ll probably have to look at my weak, stupid, naked face in the mirror for the rest of my life. Just another punishment, I guess. Another loss to punish me for what I’ve caused.

He knew he was wallowing in self-pity, but he could find no reason to care. He no longer had Kolm to slap him on the shoulder and give him a shake … "Well, now, so ye think yer friends love ye only for yer thick, manly beard, do ye? Come on, Robbie, snap out of that. Take a look at what’s really goin’ on around ye in the world. This disaccommodation that ye’re endurin’ sure will pass."

He had lost Kolm’s voice, and not just the funny, lilting, no-nonsense Eirish voice that had come from Kolm’s flesh-and-blood throat: he couldn’t find Kolm’s voice within his soul. When he tried – when he sought the voice and presence of his friend within himself – all he found was sticky blood dragging at his pants legs, and a place of blinking light within blackness, and a white, hollow-eyed face between his hands …

… and all he could hear were words that condemned him to a lifetime alone …

… I don’t want to go, Robbie, thinkin’ ye’ll be remembered as that failed Captain … the one who let his whole crew die because he couldn’t save one man …

*****

Of course, the worst of the sickness did pass, and at the end of a month Robbie was able to get himself in and out of bed again and make it to the bathroom on his own two legs. He could wash his hands and brush his teeth; he could take his own shower while sitting on a bath bench; he could eat small quantities of food without throwing up. He could sit up for increasingly long intervals in a chair without wiping out. They even allowed him to don honest clothes again – shorts and an undershirt and regulation-issue fatigues, and socks and soft house-boots. He managed to make some jokes about how he had gotten so used to wearing a nightgown that his legs weren’t sure they could stand the feel of being wrapped in cloth. He had shed about ten kilograms off his usual weight of 82 and he who had always been proud of his muscular chest and upper-body strength knew that he wasn’t capable of bench-pressing five kilos. The doctors wanted him to engage in some mild physical activity like walking up and down the corridor, but he kept stalling them. The fact was, he wanted to avoid making social contact with people for as long as he could.

Dr. Souray could sense this and one day about three weeks into his ordeal, she said, You know, Robbie, I think it’s time you had some visitors.

What? Who?

Capt. Paavo Timonen has been talking about wanting to pay his respects.

Panicked, he said, "The Reliable’s Commanding Officer? No, no, not while I’m like this. He gestured vaguely at his head and body. I look awful, doc. I don’t want to make such a pitiful impression."

Dr. Souray had known he wasn’t ready to talk to one of his peers, but she was using the suggestion to make her next proposal seem more tolerable. Then what about some of your crew? Every day they ask how you’re doing.

They do? Who?

Ian and Geff, for two. They’re both pretty well recovered. Geff left Medbay and went to crew quarters only five days after his rescue, and Ian’s ready to go in the next day or two. Why don’t you let me bring them to visit you?

Robbie sat silent, plucking at the cord of Kolm’s medal. It was on a cord because one day Dr. Souray had caught him scratching his neck and had come to inspect.

You’ve got a new rash here, she said, with a perplexed frown. It looks like some kind of dermatitis rather than radiation lesions.

Oh, I guess it’s my nickel allergy. Robbie was fingering the chain of Kolm’s medal.

Nickel allergy?

It’s got to be in the records, doc. Whenever I fill out a medical form, under ‘Allergies’ I always put ‘Nickel.’ I’ve never been able to wear cheap jewelry – not that I want to call K-K-Kolm’s medal – cheap …

"I understand, Robbie. It’s valuable for many reasons, isn’t it? But still it is made of a common alloy."

Robbie looked at her gratefully. Her empathetic acceptance of his whims meant a lot to him. What am I going to do? I want to keep wearing it, doc. I – need to.

Well, we shouldn’t have anything aggravating your skin right now. Let me ask that Quartermaster Aide who looks after uniforms if she has something we can string it on.

Later she returned, and as Robbie watched possessively, she detached the medal from its chain and strung it on a length of blue cording. There! she said, as she slipped it over his head. If you keep a piece of clothing between your chest and the medal, it should be all right. Later on you can get yourself a silver chain.

So now when Dr. Souray suggested that he allow some of the crew to visit him, he plucked at the cord and said, Actually, I’m afraid, Dr. Souray. I’m afraid – that when they look at me I’ll see – accusation – because I let … let …

Dr. Souray watched something like a flash of primal terror pass through Robbie’s eyes. Is that what you’ve been thinking? That your crew blames you for what happened? You’re completely mistaken if you think that! They’re calling you their hero – they claim none of them would have been alive without your intervention.

He stared at her as if she had suddenly started to speak in an alien tongue. Hero? They’re calling me a hero? It’s a pretty odd hero who loses a third of his crew.

Robbie, don’t think of it as losing a third of your crew – think of it as saving the lives of two-thirds of them. It’s a miracle anybody at all survived what happened out there.

He was silent for a moment. If I seem to be a hero to other people, why do I feel like such a total failure in my own mind?

"Maybe it’s too soon. Maybe time